Axolotls Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 It has been just over 2 months since she left me and our 10 year marriage, i still don't know why and she still won't speak to me. She moved back in with her parents and i've been left alone in our rented flat to pick up the pieces. Everyday has been a huge struggle for me and i've really taken a turn for the worst, i can't eat because i feel sick all day and night and i've lost 10kg in the last 2 months, i feel so anxious all the time that i have panic attacks when people are around me, yesterday a panic attack was so bad i passed out and worried everyone around which i feel really bad about. I've seen my GP twice now, the first time he prescribed sleeping tablets, the second time was 2 weeks later and after a long talk he suggested i start taking antidepressants and stronger sleeping tablets which i'm not happy about but i can't cope with how i'm feeling right now. I've also been having counselling for the last 2 weeks and i don't know what to make of it, she's been listening which relieves the pain and anxiety but only until i leave then it all rushes back in. I wake up in the middle of the night because of dreams/nightmares of memories with her and they haunt me, i can't fall asleep again and with the heavy dosage sleeping tablets i just lie here in zombie state, not sleeping but not awake and my head just driving me crazy. I've run out of energy now, i can't do it anymore, i'm really scared of what i'm becoming, i'm so negative and unmotivated at the moment, i'm stuck in a country miles away from my family and friends and it was all for her, i gave her everything and now i'm so alone and everything is crushing me at the moment. I just want to go home, i'm a grown man but i can't handle this by myself right now because the one person i put all my trust in for a big part of my life has let me down. I'm worried about all the consequences of just leaving (rent, bills, my belongings, etc.) but i'm scared of what i might do if i stay here any longer. I've been hanging on to hope for too long now and it has really affected my mental health, i feel i can't handle being here anymore, i'm disgusted with myself for not being able to handle and deal with this but i just don't know what to do and it's only getting worse. Why am i feeling bad about putting her in a ****ty situation of cleaning up my mess after i go when she is the one that left me in the first place??! I know i'm answering my own question but i just can't sink it into my thick skull!! Some advice please.
riverratt Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 You know what you need to do for you..You aren't running away.she did. Now take care of yourself and get home so you can move on with your life..
Yasuandio Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Your medications do not seem to be working properly. Perhaps you need to see a psychiatrist instead of GM. He/she may be better able to medicate your anxiety and sleep disorders. Lack of decent sleep exasperates all the other issues, and make the anxiety worse. I know because I have coped with severe anxiety for years, along with a difficult marital issue. Your head is full of unanswered questions. You are spinning. The first thing that has to happen - is, you have to stop spinning and calm down, so you can sleep, eat, and think straight. Your marital issue is not going to get resolved any time soon - so you just have to let go of it for now, and take care of regulating you body so that you can function in daily life. First things first. When you are functioning, and your body is regulated, then it will be time to think about this marriage, and your next decisions. But before you can make good decisions, YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF YOUR HEALTH! Yas
Author Axolotls Posted September 30, 2012 Author Posted September 30, 2012 Thank you, i have booked my tickets to go home on Tuesday 8th Oct, it's the earliest i could get but it gives me time to sort stuff out on this side. I've decided i'm not going to just leave everything for her to deal with, i don't want to do to her what she has done to me and besides she wouldn't have any free time between her partying and "having fun" anyway. It's still hard, i still have severe anxiety and last night i had such a bad panic attack that i passed out for 20 minutes but i've realised now that i have to look out for myself, i'm hanging onto the fact i know i'm leaving, it's the only thing i have right now. The GP said i need to give it 2 weeks for the meds to kick in and by then i will be gone, i don't like the idea of being on meds but right now i think i need it to calm me down so will give it a chance. My wife does not know i'm leaving unless someone from my family or work has told her but i don't want to give her the chance (i'm not hopeing anymore) to come running, i couldn't handle talking to her, nevermind seeing her, it's the last thing i need before a 12 hour flight and could lead me to jumping out in mid flight, ha! Today a silly friend blurted out what she's been up to and how she's been acting, i've been clinging on to things out of my control, if she wants to sleep with someone, then she will, for all i know she already has. If she wants to see if the grass is greener on the other side, then she will test it anyway, will i be standing here waiting when she realises like many that it isn't? I don't know that yet but i won't be hopeing that she does, either way i'll still be filing for divorce and whatever happens after that will happen...or not! Somehow i feel better off without her now but i'm sure it will change soon, i'm desperately hanging onto this calm right now but i'd like to think i am prepared for the next wave when it comes. I lost my way in the last 2 months and possibly even in the last 2 years, i'm not perfect and i have issues from my past that i need to work on but i have never deserved to be treated like this! There were 3 people in my life that i have trusted myself to be completely open with, she was one of them, there are 2 left and i will see them in a week. Now i need to build myself up again, learn from these mistakes and move forward with a positive attitude and hopefully never look back. Someone told me today to live without regret and appreciate every moment i have had, i have a lot of regret but will have to learn to live with it and maybe someday it can be fond memories...not just yet though. It really helps to talk, anyone relating to this, do yourself a favour, don't do what i did and hold it all in, no matter how strong you think you are, it will only get worse and worse until you feel you can't handle it anymore and want to give up. Let it out at every opportunity! I can't listen to music anymore, songs i never cared about before are like triggers now, never a good trigger though so i've stopped listening to music and it is still hard with a spinning head but slightly easier i think. Sorry, i'm going on a bit now but thank you for letting me, this is what i needed.
trippi1432 Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Hi Axolotls - Welcome to LS and so sorry for what you are going through. First, as Yas advised, please take care of you first. Anxiety and stress from this it totally understandable, put you first and get back to where you can surround yourself with people who care and support you. As to regrets, only own what is yours to own and be kind to yourself. 1
Recommended Posts