JustALittleBit Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 I know you are all most likely proponents of no contact, but I just read an article that talked it down as being emotionally abusive etc. I was fine doing no contact and think (in my view) that without a significant communication gap after a break up, it's impossible to move on and be ready for someone new, and also to form a friendship with your ex if you want it later on. I am usually good at keeping it up, I don't really want to talk to my ex. I was working through things, moving on and I guess thinking of him in quite a negative light and just feeling good about myself. Then he contacted me just to be friendly and ask how I was and I decided not to reply because I didn't want a conversation and I just didn't want to. But it's bugging me and making me feel guilty or like I will be perceived as being emotionally immature. We have been broken up for less than a month though, I don't understand why it would be appropriate to be talking? It also made me start thinking of him more positively and hoping we could work out in the future. It's like I forgot all the stuff that went down between us and how immature and unkind he was at the end of it all. I shouldn't even care about how he perceives me since I only stopped talking because I don't want anything to do with him anymore. But obviously second thought arose... So I guess this is what they mean when they talk about setbacks? I just want the best for myself and he didn't give me that, but I hate that I started to live in fantasy land again where things were different when it's just not the case. I think I was venting... guess I just want to know if it's normal and if it's ok that I don't want to talk to him?
suladas Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 If he hurt you, i'd think it's normal to not want to talk to him. Do whatever is best for you, if you don't think it's a good idea to talk to him, don't. NC is bad if you are ignoring your ex to try and play mind games or gain control, or using it to try and hurt the other person. It's meant to be used to simply forget them and move on.
KatZee Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 That article describes it as emotional manipulation because for some reason that's what most people use NC for. They use it to manipulate the EX into missing them. They think that if they withhold communication it will push their ex into contacting them and rethinking the decision. The CORRECT way to use NC is not emotional manipulation. If you're going NC to heal, or because you want nothing to do with him, that's fine. Continue about your business. If you're not looking to get back, or have him miss you or whatever, then you're fine.
Author JustALittleBit Posted September 30, 2012 Author Posted September 30, 2012 I definitely didn't mean it to be manipulative when I started it. I did it to cut ties and try to move on because I knew our relationship as it was was not good for me. I am pretty sure I still think this, but since he contacted it makes me so much just want to be with him, and then I do think that maybe if I'm gone he will have a change of heart. But even if he did have a change of heart, I know I need to be objective about it and there is a huge chance nothing would be different and I would end up unhappy again. It's just so frustrating, I was doing really well until he contacted. I don't want to miss him, but what I want from him is a fantasy relationship that doesn't exist. I really hope this is just a temporary setback
I'm nuts Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 People don't change, they may say they'll change but they don't, if he hurt you the first time he will hurt you a second time, a third time and so on, if someone was bad to you why on earth would you want to contact them again to go through the whole process again a few months down the road.? 2
Author JustALittleBit Posted September 30, 2012 Author Posted September 30, 2012 Yeah you're right... I need to focus on that. Thanks for the wake up call. He was bad to me. That is all that matters. Thanks
LostOne1 Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 People don't change' date=' they may say they'll change but they don't, if he hurt you the first time he will hurt you a second time, a third time and so on, if someone was bad to you why on earth would you want to contact them again to go through the whole process again a few months down the road.?[/quote'] I disagree.. people DO change. But something has to change them. They don't just change, some event takes place that changes them. For me I've changed a lot, not just from this BU, but other experiences travelling seeing how people live and suffer. You realize life is very precious and you work harder than ever. People do change.. not everyone, but some people do change.
lil hoodlum Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 I disagree.. people DO change. But something has to change them. They don't just change, some event takes place that changes them. For me I've changed a lot, not just from this BU, but other experiences travelling seeing how people live and suffer. You realize life is very precious and you work harder than ever. People do change.. not everyone, but some people do change. I also agree! People can and do change all of the time. Of course change does go both ways, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. My exgirlfriend had broke things off with me and I realized the mistakes that I have made and how they might have affected her. I sought out counseling afterward to deal with and learn from my mistakes. I would give almost anything for a second chance! I wasn't a horrible person either but I readily admit that my ex certainly deserved the very best from me and she wasn't getting that. I could and would give her that now. 1
soccerrprp Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 People are clearly capable of changing. What people question are whether their core personalities change...well, that, I believe is more difficult to say. People compromise all the time and that is a sign of conscious change...with the right person(s), circumstance, people "can" change. And, oh, yes, using NC to manipulate is crass!
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