Necris Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 I'm just curious I noticed when you tell people about dating issues or mainly for me the inability to even get a date issues the standard responses are don't worry the right one will come to you, if you stop searching they'll come, when they get older they'll mature and see how great of a catch you are, and the big one never give up and have confidence (honestly if you have no charisma and not attractive confidence will just make you look annoying and people naturally perceive you as over confident if they don't already like you). Also some common dating methods I've heard of for people who can't get a girlfriend is to become her friend and try to slowly work your way to becoming her boyfriend somehow and on the other end of the spectrum just go outside and approach hundred of random women and maybe one of them will accept. Problem with all this advice is it is blatantly false advice that will most certainly not work for most people but why do people keep repeating it?
SmileFace Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Because telling someone ... "You're fu(ked"..."Why are you wasting your time? You're horrible!"... "It will never work for you"... "No one will love you!!"..."You will be alone forever"...Isn't actually nice. 7
ThaWholigan Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 (edited) Because telling someone ... "You're fu(ked"..."Why are you wasting your time? You're horrible!"... "It will never work for you"... "No one will love you!!"..."You will be alone forever"...Isn't actually nice. Nor is it true 95% of the time. OP, do whatever you wanna do. If you really don't want to believe you can start dating then that's your prerogative. I do what I can to give you guys advice that worked for me, and more often than not it falls on blind eyes and deaf ears, so I don't actually care much anymore. I don't know what it is you actually intend to do since you have "tried everything and nothing works" - so all I can say is good luck. Edited September 30, 2012 by ThaWholigan 6
SmileFace Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Nor is it true 95% of the time. But one day true love will find you. Oh get up and lose some weight? No you need someone that will love you for you!! People can be so shallow. Can't hold a conversation. No you will find someone that will just make the words flow. No of course you shouldn't work on your people skills. Only see your partner as sex/money. Don't worry your match will be right along. 2
NoMoreJerks Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 I'm just curious I noticed when you tell people about dating issues or mainly for me the inability to even get a date issues the standard responses are don't worry the right one will come to you, if you stop searching they'll come, when they get older they'll mature and see how great of a catch you are, and the big one never give up and have confidence (honestly if you have no charisma and not attractive confidence will just make you look annoying and people naturally perceive you as over confident if they don't already like you). Also some common dating methods I've heard of for people who can't get a girlfriend is to become her friend and try to slowly work your way to becoming her boyfriend somehow and on the other end of the spectrum just go outside and approach hundred of random women and maybe one of them will accept. Problem with all this advice is it is blatantly false advice that will most certainly not work for most people but why do people keep repeating it? I hate it when they say that the right one will come to you. No, he probably won't, unless I make an effort to find him, actually. That is, if I sit at home and don't go out and socialize, chances are, if I lived for another 200 years, I will still not find someone to be with. My sister kept telling me to stop looking, that the right person will not come when I am looking for him, but it will happen when i least expect it. Fine, whatever, but there is no evidence of this. Also, even if true, that won't happen unless I go out to wherever it is that I might have a chance of finding someone to date. Also, I hate the whole cliche about not being able to find someone by going to a pub, because all men who go to pubs are looking for ONS and are not relationship material. That's BS. I hang out at the pub with my friends a lot, and I think we are decent people and some are married couples, people who are very well-educated and have successful careers and want/have long-term relationships.
suladas Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 I hate it when they say that the right one will come to you. No, he probably won't, unless I make an effort to find him, actually. That is, if I sit at home and don't go out and socialize, chances are, if I lived for another 200 years, I will still not find someone to be with. My sister kept telling me to stop looking, that the right person will not come when I am looking for him, but it will happen when i least expect it. Fine, whatever, but there is no evidence of this. Also, even if true, that won't happen unless I go out to wherever it is that I might have a chance of finding someone to date. Also, I hate the whole cliche about not being able to find someone by going to a pub, because all men who go to pubs are looking for ONS and are not relationship material. That's BS. I hang out at the pub with my friends a lot, and I think we are decent people and some are married couples, people who are very well-educated and have successful careers and want/have long-term relationships. It's more of avoiding clubs, not so much bars. However there is some good catches there, it's just finding the people who aren't there every night, and are more of a rarity at the clubs. 1
suladas Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 I'm back and forth on waiting for the right one to just come along. I never looked overly hard for someone, my first relationship just kinda fell into my lap without trying. So on one side i'm like well is that going to happen again? Or was that just some really freak luck and am I going to have to really put in the effort to find someone next? Or should I even be looking is that past relationship not dead? But I will say you have to look at yourself realistically. EVERYONE can work on themselves in some way. I suck at meeting new people, I use to be so quiet and reserved. I'm working on it and doing much better. Working on yourself is never a bad thing.
Author Necris Posted September 30, 2012 Author Posted September 30, 2012 (edited) But I will say you have to look at yourself realistically. EVERYONE can work on themselves in some way. I suck at meeting new people, I use to be so quiet and reserved. I'm working on it and doing much better. Working on yourself is never a bad thing. Totally agree you do have to work on yourself to achieve results though it does seem in the realm of dating achieving results is extremely difficult as everything is subjective so its not like Calculus where there is a right answer. I have done some things to work on myself I've tried acting and speech classes to help me with socializing, I've also tried forcing myself into social situations to get more used to it. To improve my looks I've tried working out more though it didn't help me look better but I did get stronger I went from having difficulty doing a single push up to being capable of benching 270lbs, though I'm not cut or ripped or anything close to that. I also try to look clean and presentable before going anywhere public, though I don't really have any fashion sense so I just wear what other guys wear. Edited September 30, 2012 by Necris
insertnamehere Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Because there's no socially acceptable way to slip the word "monastery" into a conversation. 1
Titania22 Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 I have no idea. Maybe because many people like to live in denial.
Pyro Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 I'm just curious I noticed when you tell people about dating issues or mainly for me the inability to even get a date issues the standard responses are don't worry the right one will come to you, if you stop searching they'll come, when they get older they'll mature and see how great of a catch you are, and the big one never give up and have confidence (honestly if you have no charisma and not attractive confidence will just make you look annoying and people naturally perceive you as over confident if they don't already like you). Also some common dating methods I've heard of for people who can't get a girlfriend is to become her friend and try to slowly work your way to becoming her boyfriend somehow and on the other end of the spectrum just go outside and approach hundred of random women and maybe one of them will accept. Problem with all this advice is it is blatantly false advice that will most certainly not work for most people but why do people keep repeating it? FTR I don't support the 'be her friend first' thing. They tell you not to worry so that you stop worrying about it. Has worrying about it helped? Try something different and not think about it. No one is going to find a person attractive who can't be at ease with them self. 5
Anela Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Because telling someone ... "You're fu(ked"..."Why are you wasting your time? You're horrible!"... "It will never work for you"... "No one will love you!!"..."You will be alone forever"...Isn't actually nice. It's weird. I know there are people who don't like me, but the number of people who do like me - and seem to like me more than I do, always surprises me. I've been feeling like no-one could actually love me. I just feel messed up now, but I'm working on it, just like I worked on it (over a number of years) after I lost my social skills - still working on those, too. When I saw this thread, though, the first thing that came to mind was that it happened to the people dispensing the advice. Their partner came along eventually, either when they were ready for them to come along, or when they stopped looking. Or they just bumped into each other - or got to know each other online.
Bristolius Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 People who say that "it just happened." may be misremembering how much they did to start a relationship. It reminds me of the criminal who says, "I didn't shoot him, the gun just went off." Another approach is to always be open to a relationship. Spend some time getting out there and trying . And take some time off to just live and not worry.
january2011 Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Problem with all this advice is it is blatantly false advice that will most certainly not work for most people but why do people keep repeating it? Pretty much what Smile and ThaWholigan wrote. It's the last resort standard response when someone seems beyond help or advice and who keeps coming up with reasons (excuses) as to why they've tried x, y, z and none of it is working for them. At that point, people have basically switched off and don't really care because ultimately they are not invested in the outcomes of your dating activities. All people can do is offer strategies that they've tried themselves or that they think might work based on observing other people. They don't owe you anything. Least of all a 100% guarantee that you will be successful. There are no guarantees. It's all about testing various theories and finding what works for you. My guess is that your frustration and resentment is probably like water off a duck's back. In this situation, the only person you're hurting is yourself. That is, it probably hampers your chances of getting into a relationship because all people can see is the anger and negativity. 4
Author Necris Posted September 30, 2012 Author Posted September 30, 2012 Pretty much what Smile and ThaWholigan wrote. It's the last resort standard response when someone seems beyond help or advice and who keeps coming up with reasons (excuses) as to why they've tried x, y, z and none of it is working for them. At that point, people have basically switched off and don't really care because ultimately they are not invested in the outcomes of your dating activities. All people can do is offer strategies that they've tried themselves or that they think might work based on observing other people. They don't owe you anything. Least of all a 100% guarantee that you will be successful. There are no guarantees. It's all about testing various theories and finding what works for you. My guess is that your frustration and resentment is probably like water off a duck's back. In this situation, the only person you're hurting is yourself. That is, it probably hampers your chances of getting into a relationship because all people can see is the anger and negativity. I'm not angry nor resentful, but I am frustrated. Its not that I don't take people's advice, I actually go out and follow through on the advice but I seem to never get anywhere close to any sort of results. What I don't like about the whole dating/relationship thing is that its so subjective, more subjective than even art. The Dating/trying to get a date/relationship thing is like taking a test that has no right answers instead your grade is dependent entirely on how the person grading the test feels at that particular moment, you could have studied and thought you put in 'A' effort but if the grader feels like its an 'F' well its just an 'F' its just the nature of it, there's nothing bad about that but it can make things incredibly frustrating.
ThaWholigan Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 I'm not angry nor resentful, but I am frustrated. Its not that I don't take people's advice, I actually go out and follow through on the advice but I seem to never get anywhere close to any sort of results. What I don't like about the whole dating/relationship thing is that its so subjective, more subjective than even art. The Dating/trying to get a date/relationship thing is like taking a test that has no right answers instead your grade is dependent entirely on how the person grading the test feels at that particular moment, you could have studied and thought you put in 'A' effort but if the grader feels like its an 'F' well its just an 'F' its just the nature of it, there's nothing bad about that but it can make things incredibly frustrating. The difference is that the test is continuous and you have to KEEP TRYING.
soccerrprp Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 ...to be nice and give you hope. The reality is that sometimes the "one for you" doesn't come along in a lifetime. People know this to be true, just don't want to admit it.
MilitantPacifist Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Soul Mates (Even if you have a soul mate, it's statistically improbable that you'll ever find them. Settle.)
Author Necris Posted September 30, 2012 Author Posted September 30, 2012 (edited) That advice is aimed at WOMEN. Not men. "stop looking and the right one will come to you" Meaning the right man will come to you(as a woman). Women don't come to men so offcourse if you follow this advice you'll end up nothing but lonely. Men come to women. So you will have to look, activley search and put in effort to get a woman. Actually that's usually a woman's advice to everybody, but I see what you are saying. Also even for women that wouldn't really work, if she's not willing to go find the right man, chances are she'll end up with the wrong guy. Though I have noticed women do often approach guys that they are super into so some of the guys that I know that do excellent with women do not even approach they just arrive into the general area and women are all on them, but its alot rarer than a man approaching a woman. Edited September 30, 2012 by Necris
Mrlonelyone Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 (edited) In my life I have had relationships of varying quality and nature with men and women (and a roomate who wasn't a SO but in some ways it was like having an SO). I never met any of those people by way of looking for them. So yeah, it can happen. It's not often though, about every couple years on average I meet someone worth a damn. When you do meet them you still have to have the social skills to talk to them and everything. If they are remotely compatible it won't be hard. That advice is aimed at WOMEN. Not men. "stop looking and the right one will come to you" Meaning the right man will come to you(as a woman). False. As I said one still has to have the social skills to turn that initial spark of interest into something. That goes for men and women. Even if they abide by strict gender norms, a woman has to respond to the man in the right way. Edited September 30, 2012 by Mrlonelyone To reply to something I hadn't seen.
Dessembrae Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Because it happens. All the serious relationships I've been came about at the point where I had been fed up chasing after girls that turned out to be not my ideal match and decided to take a break and just have fun hanging out wih my friends and all of a sudden there she is. It's one of those things where they don't show up when you want them to but when you're ready for them too. But that's just my experiance
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