What is the right way to "deal with" a compulsive liar?

[xxirynaxx]

In short – how do I deal with a compulsive / pathological liar, and is it worth is to try to maintain a friendship with such a person?

 

I am thirty. About six months ago, I met “Josephine” because we have similar jobs. She is over twenty years older than me, but right away, we hit it off. We found that we had similar interests and similar senses of humor and genuinely enjoyed spending time together. In her job, she goes above and beyond to help people – more so than other people I know in the same line of work. She is single, and – I always got the impression – a little lonely. (But that is NOT why I became friends with her.)

 

The only thing that bothered me about Josephine was the stories she told about her past. At first they were amusing, but as the friendship progressed, they became fantastical and just, well, unbelievable. But I guess I kept believing her until about a month ago she told a whopper that contradicted everything she had said prior. I did a little digging (thank you, Google!) and discovered that A LOT of what she told me about her past was false. I uncovered several huge lies, and I felt very, very betrayed.

 

I have been thinking a lot about what made her lie, and I know I will probably never know the real answer. I do get the feeling that her childhood was somewhat traumatic (based not only on what she has hinted, but things I found online). If anything, her lies make her life seem easier than it actually has been. But I think she lies about stupid, insignificant things, too. I am not sure if she realizes it, even. She has said before that she feels really “off” a lot of the time, and has even sought professional help, to no avail.

 

And honestly, I think the reason that she seems to have so few friends (and can’t keep a romantic relationship either) is her constant lying. People can only tolerate so much of that behavior, no matter the cause. I imagine she is very lonely, and that is part of the reason she pursued a friendship with me.

 

So, at this point, I am at a loss. She doesn’t know that I know, and I wouldn’t want to tell her. I don’t think she can help lying and I would actually be afraid of hurting her if I let her know. And her lies aren’t malicious and don’t benefit her in any way – if anything, they have been destructive in her life. She has only ever treated me with kindness and respect. She is sweet and good natured. She would do anything for anyone – and I have witnessed this more than once.

 

But, she is a liar, and she isn’t going to change.

 

Sorry for being long-winded … any insight??

[CC12]

In short – how do I deal with a compulsive / pathological liar, and is it worth is to try to maintain a friendship with such a person?

 

If you choose to remain her friend, deal with her lies by smiling and nodding and saying things like, "Oh, that's very interesting" and then changing the subject. Maybe she'll catch on that you don't enjoy listening to her stories. She probably won't, though.

 

Is it worth it to maintain the friendship? I don't know, I couldn't do it. I've known a few people like this and once I caught on that they were big fat liars, I just stopped spending time with them. It is a betrayal, even if none of the lies are malicious. And it feels like they think you're stupid. I find lying pretty offensive, and I just can't really respect people who do it constantly, so I choose not to spend time with them if I can help it.

 

These friendships of mine weren't really worthwhile to begin with so it wasn't that hard to sever. With your friend, though, it sounds like you do enjoy the friendship, so that makes it a little harder. If you feel like you can look her in the eye next time she's telling a whopper, and if you don't mind never knowing anything real about this person, then maybe you can continue to enjoy your similar interests and senses of humor. There's really no right way to deal with people like this. It's all up to you and how much you're willing to take.