defense7575 Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 been married 19 years, been together for 24, just found out 3 days ago my wife wants out. we split briefly 2 years ago, (she wanted a seperation), I went ahead and talked to a marriage counselor, and after about 4 visits, she said she wanted to talk to my wife. My wife agreed and after that session, i i was at the house, and we made love like crazy that night, and we ended up being back together. I was happy we were back, although I knew our seperation time wasnt long enough, and my wife said she didn't like what the lady said to her. i still dont know what she said , but my wife told me the other day that she came back for the kids, she wanted to stay together for the kids, and that she wasnt in love with me anymore. that was difficult to hear, but I get a call later in the day, and someone tells me to check out a dating website, and lo and behold, there's my wife with photos and how she wants to date other men. she still hasnt told the kids about whats coming up, she doesnt want our youngest son(last year of high school) to be affected, but i asked her then when he walks across that stage to receive his diploma, your gonna jump in your car and spit? the worse part is due to our financial situation, she really has no place to go(she says) she stayed with her sister for a couple days and wont stay with my in laws, (the last time they told her no ,she couldnt stay) so therefore, she will be coming back to the house tomorrow, said she would sleep on the couch. I told her so everyday she comes home from work and opens the door, Im gonna get my hopes up thinking she might say this is what i want, i really do love you. Or i see here walking outta the house on a Sat night, all dressed up to go on a date? i would rather not see her at all so i can start to heal, and move on, her emotions seem to be all over the place. what was weird was i havent even cried yet(A guy thing, i guess), but she did a lot of crying the other day. I dont think it was necesarly for me, but she seems real concerned about how my family, her's, and the kids will look at her, like she's almost try to make this out like i want this divorce. the next few months are gonna suck
Author defense7575 Posted September 30, 2012 Author Posted September 30, 2012 still in love with her, not really sure if a seperation is gonna do it, she seems like she wants to move on, she would mention from time to time how she's been w/me half her life and i feel like she thinks shes gonna miss out on something
riverratt Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 what was weird was i havent even cried yet(A guy thing, i guess) That isn't a guy thing bro. If it hurts it hurts. If you haven't wanted or felt like crying then I would question how strong your feelings are for her. Sounds like she needs to decide exactly what she wants. While she is doing that you should think about what you want.
Author defense7575 Posted September 30, 2012 Author Posted September 30, 2012 appreciate the advice, not really sure what I want. I do want to work things out and stay married, but 6 weeks, 6 months from now, if some flare up or something happens, then i know she'll feel like things wont really change.no way can a marriage not hit a few bumps in the road, especially how long we were together. im at 50-50 right now
M30USA Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 I no longer believe "the kids" are a good reason to stay married--especially if you don't love each other anymore. It will only result in a divorce the minute they move out or graduate school. Happens all the time. Then you are farther in the hole, wasted more of your life, and have to pay alimony due to a longer marriage. Secondly, if you had a high-conflict marriage, it may actually HARM the kids to stay married.
Author defense7575 Posted September 30, 2012 Author Posted September 30, 2012 i agree, no one should stay together because of the kids sake, I didnt realize this until she told me the other day. I do love her, but i know she does not love me in the same way, i just want to fast forward the next 6 months or so, and get this done with
riverratt Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 i agree, no one should stay together because of the kids sake, I didnt realize this until she told me the other day. I do love her, but i know she does not love me in the same way, i just want to fast forward the next 6 months or so, and get this done with I look at the "kid" scenario from a this view..No, two people shouldn't stay in a loveless marriage for them but I know two couples that put an effort to save their marriage and be happy for themselves because of their kids and it worked for them both. I think that a lot of marriage issues are from people thinking about themselves and not others. You have to put your partners feeling about somethings in front of yours. Do things for them you may not want to do. Give and Take and be happy doing it. It is a family that is coming apart not just a marriage and kids get left behind to many times. Parents should really take time and talk to them and make sure they understand that it's nobodies fault,whether it is or not. They don't need to hear those kinds of things from a counselor but their parents. They are the ones they trust at this point. People that say bad things to their kids about the other parent is doing anying but harming their kids.
Author defense7575 Posted September 30, 2012 Author Posted September 30, 2012 havent said anything to the kids yet, my boys are older, but 2 years ago, when we had a brief seperation if was brutal on them, cant imagine them not feeling the same way. I would never talk negative about my wife in front of them, im just not comfortable tellling them on D-Day, with my wife, that were divorcing. I dont want to divorce, she does, so the truth should be told, no matter how brutal its gonna be. She has mentioned how much my family will hate her,her parents, the kids, but i dont think she really thought this out to the point where she knew how affected everyone becomes from a divorce....this sucks
riverratt Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 I dont want to divorce, she does, so the truth should be told, no matter how brutal its gonna be. She has mentioned how much my family will hate her,her parents, the kids, but i dont think she really thought this out to the point where she knew how affected everyone becomes from a divorce....this sucks Be truthful to the kids..People don't give them enough credit..They are smarter then we think..They will see things we miss because we are emotionally charged and may miss them.. Mine has noticed a lot of things I missed..he is 12.
Author defense7575 Posted September 30, 2012 Author Posted September 30, 2012 ya, i dont want to be untruthful to the kids. they are older, 2 are legal adults, one is still a minor, they still live at home with us, I wont bad mouth my wife in front of them, but i dont want to show a united front in front of them either, saying "WE" think this is best, i think it sucks, i dont want a divorce or seperation, we havent had that talk yet, but i sense they know somethings up, wife has been " helping ' her sister the last 4 days and has not been home
riverratt Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 O would tell them now..They will not like being told what is going on. This is a family matter and they are part of the family.. You really should tell them..
riverratt Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 they will not like not being told...Sorry
EmptyinNV Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Go out and find a copy of "The Divorce Remedy" at least skim through it at a book store or library! I've been reading it for about a week now and it's already helped me make a lot of improvements within myself at the very least. I'm so sorry you're going through this, my heart really does go out to you.
Recommended Posts