My heart is breaking

[trouble]

Hello

My fiance and I were supposed to get married November of this year. I just graduated from law school and moved back home to start a job. He lives two hours from me. I would see him on the weekends. We were both under a lot of stress with planning the wedding, careers, long distance relationship.

 

We had previously discussed many important issues and promised to always work through differences. We were very good about avoiding conflict by talking out any problems. Two weeks ago I started blowing up at him for the littlest things. I am not sure why this happened and it hasn't ever happened to me before. We had a fight that continued for a few days.

 

He was trying to tell me that he couldn't fight about it anymore and that he was beginning to feel like he couldn't talk to me. I was hurt because we had had such a great relationship up to that point. He had always been expressive about his feelings and I felt like a failure. I responded in the worst way imaginable. I was so angry I said things I didn't mean and left and told him I didn't want to get married if he really felt that way.

 

I totally realized my mistake and drove back the 2 hours later that evening. I know that it was irrational and wrong. I don't normally handle stress that way. There is no excuse for my behavior and I wouldn't want him to have to live with that if I was going to be that way all the time.

 

I apologized and told him that I obviously wasn't handling all the stress well so I started to see a therapist to ensure that I didn't ever do that again. I wanted to take responsibility for my flaws and actions. I really do love him and want to make a life with him. He said that he coudln't do it. He loved me more than any woman he had ever been with but he had lost trust in me. He said that he would always remember the hurtful things I said and how bad it hurt when I walked out. He said he would always be afraid that I would do it again in a fight.

 

I totally understand his fears and I am not trying to reduce my responsibility. I miss him so much and I know that I messed up. He was married before and with his ex-wife a total of 12 years (dating plus marriage). She cheated on him and treated him poorly. He kept trying with her until it was impossible. I imagine that he is thinking that the first sign of "crazy" is a red flag and he needs to get out.

 

I am human and I made a mistake. It wasn't a pretty one. His friends are surprised that he had given up because they know that we had a unique relationship. Some have told me to hang in there that he may come around. I know he is just hurting right now.

 

He told me not to think about us or him just to focus on me. I know that is good advice. All of my things are still at his house, furniture, computer, christmas ornaments etc. He hasn't told me to get the things out yet. We were also in the process of putting his house on the market so he could move here after the wedding.

 

The last time I talked to him he told me that he was planning on selling the house and moving out of state. My plan is to continue to go to therapy and work on me. I am not going to contact him by mail, e-mail, or phone. I am just going to give him some time and space. I am hoping he will come around.

 

Does anyone out there have any additional advice? Don't be afraid to be blunt, I know I messed up and lost his trust by leaving. I know that he is the one for me and I would do anything within reason to make this work. However, I know that if he doesn't want to make it work then it won't matter.

 

Thanks for any support.

[StartingAgain]

He's stinging. Give him some time and do what he says: work on yourself. When he gets to missing you and if he sees that you are doing as you said you would and making progress, he may come around.

 

You have to understand that it is not an easy thing for a man to open up, bare his heart and show his true feelings. It makes us feel far more vulnerable than it does you women. Understand, too, that you women can be brutal and viscious when you become angry and irrational. Your man feels emotionally betrayed by you and your excuse of being stressed out isn't good enough. It's going to take time and concerted effort on your part in order to regain his trust. You my not loose him for good, but I think it's a safe bet that the November wedding isn't going to happen.

[trouble]

Thanks for your honesty.

It is nice to get an opinion from a man. I know that being stressed isn't a good enough excuse for my actions. I don't think there ever really is a good excuse to blow up at anyone especially someone you love.

[SMF]

You are only human and you are going to make mistakes. Stress is in every relationship even the best ones. Things in life are going to get tougher and if he cannot accept you for who you are and love every ounce of you then it is not worth it for you to be in the relationship. BE GLAD that you were not walking down the aisle as this is something that could have been headed for a divorce.

 

I have friends who are crazy and their significant others accept every piece of them. Hope this helps.

 

Read my thread- let me know what you think.

[Pained]

I'm sorry for your pain. I definitely think you're doing all the right things. If he truly loves you, and if this is the first really bad thing that has happened, he will likely want to try again with you. For now, your best bet is to work on and focus on yourself.

 

I wish you the best, and hope that you two can work it out.

[trouble]

Thanks for your advice. If it helps to understand more here are the stresses I was under in a very short time.

 

April 11 I was hit by a drunk driver- in a wheel chair and had a head injury and broken writsts

 

Two weeks later I entered final exams of my third year in law school (had to postpone them)

 

May 15 graduated from Law School (had the next couple of months to finish exams)

moved to stay with him

 

June 1 He proposed

 

June 15 started my first job as a lawyer and moved 2 hours away from him

 

I know it isn't an excuse but it at least shows that I wasn't having just normal everyday stresses.

 

I searched for your string and I couldn't find it.

[SMF]

Wow you have every right to be upset. Keep your head up. G-d works in mysterious ways. My thread is on the break up page where i write about my boyfriend being overwhelmed and flipped out.

[StartingAgain]

Yes, I'd say that your life since April is enough to put you over the top. I'll bet your fellows going to realize this, too. To extend SMF's remarks, she is correct that you are only human and you will make mistakes in your life. However, we must always govern ourselves and how we relate to our mates. Just because we are married does not mean that we may speak to them anyway we wish. We must always treat them with respect and when we fight, we must fight fair. If, during a disagreement, you find that you are becoming so angry that you are about to say something hurtful, it's time to end the discussion. Not after the next folly, but immediately. All married couples fight and this should never lead to divorce if couples learn to figh fairly and never fight to win. What's the line from Jackson Brown's "Tender is the Night"? "I win. You win. We loose"

 

I find it interesting that when a woman looses it and says hurtful things, she's just being human. Yet when a man does the exact same thing, he's verbally abusive. We live in a world of contradictions and double standards. It's no wonder the divorce rate is so high.

 

May I suggest Dr. Phil McGraw's "Relationship Rescue"? His approach to getting relationships on track is to identify and correct your own shortcomings and to learn to work with your mate to build a happy relationship, rather than working agains him/her.

[trouble]

I don't think you are wrong at all about the double standard. I am sure that my tirade and break up may be cnosidered verbal abuse. I didn't mean a lot of the things I said and I should have quit arguing when I felt defeated and decided to give up. I would love to try that book I am not sure if he is ready for any relationship rescue though. I am just going to give him some time.