StartingOver4 Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Hello everyone. I am really struggling. It's like this. I can handle the break-up of a 14-year relationship. I can handle setting up an apartment by myself. I can handle two small children on my own. But all 3 of those at once? I am losing it. I had no idea it would be this hard. I have panic attacks multiple times each week. I get so overwhelmed when my to-do list is a mile long and I can't do anything because I have the kids 26 days out of the month. It's been 3 weeks, and things have gone from bad to worse. I really lost my temper today, and my wonderful children do not deserve that. I don't see any way out of this mess. I know I don't want to go back, but seem unable to get to anywhere near a peaceful place with this. Please help.
paperboy48 Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Thats a tough one...damn if you do, damn if you dont... Just know we are hear for you. You ae not alone.
Damia Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Yes it is hard but in time it will get better I promise. You have the answers to your questions in your own post.you can deal with things one thing at a time. I'm sure you have heard of the quote about "eating an elephant one bite at a time"? That's how you need to tackle life at this early stage. Make your list smaller not everything needs to be done today,seriously lots of things can an will wait until you have the head space to sort them out. Call in your support network you will be suprised who wants to help.its Ok to ask for help Look after yourself first ,be kind to yourself.In my experience things aften fall into place when you take care of you
riverratt Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 I can't say I have been where you are because I haven't but....... Take the same advise given on this forum for general usage....One day at a time..Don't get in a hurry to start you new life...Patience.... Focus on your little ones...and you... If you have OCD then It will be harder but try not to sweat the small stuff....I know a few that have OCD and they get cranked over little things that really don't matter..I know that easier said then done though. Panic attacks are a [email protected] know..My ex went through them I know how to ease them... If there is something specific that is causing them..avoid it.. Just focus on your little ones...let the other stuff take care of its self...
Author StartingOver4 Posted September 30, 2012 Author Posted September 30, 2012 Thank you for the replies. I want to be happy, I really do. That's why I made this move. For some reason, it just seems like things keep getting worse, not better. I don't have much of a support network. No one seems to understand.
defense7575 Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 im just curious, cause im a guy and my wife of almost 20 years, 3 kids, is about to leave me. is it really that easy for a women to leave 14 yrs, for u? everyone has their reasons, but as im soon to find out how horrible this is gonna be. u have a lot on ur plate, kids, apt. try to find family, friends, co-workers to help u out so it doesnt seem so overwhelming. try to take a little time for yourself everyday if its possible. things will get better, good luck to you
january2011 Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 How old are your kids? Are they old enough to do some things themselves or for the older one to help out a little? Is there anyone who can take the kids for a few hours a week or come watch them while you do what you need to do around the house? Sometimes, all you can do is keep treading water until help arrives. So, one thing at a time. Kids and finances are the priority. But if you need to just shut the door for 5 minutes while you cry in the bathroom, perhaps you need to just give in to that feeling now and again.
riverratt Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Thank you for the replies. I want to be happy, I really do. That's why I made this move. For some reason, it just seems like things keep getting worse, not better. I don't have much of a support network. No one seems to understand. Quit "trying" to be happy..That will come on it's own.. Don't try to make people understand.... You don't need too. 1
Author StartingOver4 Posted September 30, 2012 Author Posted September 30, 2012 Defense7575 - it's not that it was easy so leave. I just said that I could handle it. With tears, setbacks, etc. - but I know I would get through it. What I'm dealing with now is just incredibly overwhelming. I'm sorry for what you're going through.
Author StartingOver4 Posted September 30, 2012 Author Posted September 30, 2012 I guess the issue is that I have no idea what's "normal" for a single parent. I don't know what's being caused by the grief over the loss of my relationship and the chaos of the move. What is life like as a single mother of two young children? Is it always stressful and overwhelming like it is for me now? Are there any upsides, besides not living with a man with whom I'm no longer in love?
defense7575 Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 the fact that your not w/your husband and your on your own right now, may seem like your on an island byyourself and kids. stay strong for them, try to make everyday better than yesterday. you will have setbacks, thats normal, but you may even end up back w/ur husband or not. just try to rest, eat well, stick w/ a hobby u like, or try something new, anything to stay busy, the down time is what sucks
CarrieT Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Quit "trying" to be happy..That will come on it's own.. I totally disagree with this philosophy. I rant over-and-over on this concept of walk-the-walk and talk-the-talk. In short - like exercising - the longer and more consistent you do something, the more your brain and body get accustomed to that sensation. I know I spelled it out in one of Ross's threads. If you wake up every morning and smile and pretend to be happy. And you do this every day for a week. It will create endorphins in your brain that react to that "fake" happiness so that a week later, it is physically harder to not have those endorphins exist and you will feel much more wanting in your daily existence. The more you exude joy and pleasantness, the easier it is to be surrounded with it and have it exist in your life. 1
riverratt Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 I totally disagree with this philosophy. I rant over-and-over on this concept of walk-the-walk and talk-the-talk. In short - like exercising - the longer and more consistent you do something, the more your brain and body get accustomed to that sensation. I know I spelled it out in one of Ross's threads. If you wake up every morning and smile and pretend to be happy. And you do this every day for a week. It will create endorphins in your brain that react to that "fake" happiness so that a week later, it is physically harder to not have those endorphins exist and you will feel much more wanting in your daily existence. The more you exude joy and pleasantness, the easier it is to be surrounded with it and have it exist in your life. I agree with you but what I mean is don't rush to do this or that to try to be happy. Many times those quick knee jerk attempts to be happy may not work out then you become less happy.. Be patient with the process and it will come..
M30USA Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 I guess the issue is that I have no idea what's "normal" for a single parent. I don't know what's being caused by the grief over the loss of my relationship and the chaos of the move. What is life like as a single mother of two young children? Is it always stressful and overwhelming like it is for me now? Are there any upsides, besides not living with a man with whom I'm no longer in love? Do you have any family in town or nearby? What was the reason for the divorce?
sad puppy Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 My dad died and left my mom with 3 kids, I was 6, my brother 4, and the littlest one was 9 mos old. She raised us, worked, dragged us to church & Sunday school every week, took care of a house, cut the grass, took care of a garden, and volunteered. When I was older, she said "people always asked me how I did it on my own. I told them I had three little kids to raise, I didn't have time to feel sorry for myself". My mother relied on her faith. She never complained, as many people observed. She was gracious, generous, and kind. We were not perfect children, especially me. She didn't have another parent to share parenting with, ever. She did it on her own. With grace. Dig in, you can do it. Rely on your faith. Be grateful for the blessings in your life. Get enough rest and exercise. Breathe. Dig in and you will find you have more power, ability, and strength than you ever realized. You will be fine. Remember my mom. It is possible. She has passed now, but I look back at her in utter awe and respect. Your children will too. Do the best you can. You may surprise yourself.
riverratt Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 My dad died and left my mom with 3 kids, I was 6, my brother 4, and the littlest one was 9 mos old. She raised us, worked, dragged us to church & Sunday school every week, took care of a house, cut the grass, took care of a garden, and volunteered. When I was older, she said "people always asked me how I did it on my own. I told them I had three little kids to raise, I didn't have time to feel sorry for myself". My mother relied on her faith. She never complained, as many people observed. She was gracious, generous, and kind. We were not perfect children, especially me. She didn't have another parent to share parenting with, ever. She did it on her own. With grace. Dig in, you can do it. Rely on your faith. Be grateful for the blessings in your life. Get enough rest and exercise. Breathe. Dig in and you will find you have more power, ability, and strength than you ever realized. You will be fine. Remember my mom. It is possible. She has passed now, but I look back at her in utter awe and respect. Your children will too. Do the best you can. You may surprise yourself. Great story....The world needs more people like your mom around.. I will toast your mom when the next round of frosty beverages are opened... 1
Author StartingOver4 Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 CarrieT - that is great advice. I believe in the power of positive thinking. I just haven't been putting it to use. Riverratt - I also know I need to have more patience. It's definitely something with which I struggle. M30USA - I have no family nearby, but my father-in-law has been a big help. We're not divorced, just separated. The reasons for it are a physical and emotional distance between us that's been growing for years (on which he refuses to work), some personality traits of ours that are mismatched (a fact that life is becoming too short to ignore), and his inability to accept me physically (a fact I realize should have been a dealbreaker from the start, but I was only 18 - what did I know?). Sad puppy - I'm sorry that happened to your family. Something eerily similar happened with my family. 3 kids, dad suddenly disappeared (like, off the face of the earth) - I know what I'm going through pales in comparison to what either of our moms went through. And I'm pretty sure I'll look back and wonder what all the angst was about. But damn if it isn't incredibly painful right now. Thank you for reaching out.
M30USA Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 CarrieT - that is great advice. I believe in the power of positive thinking. I just haven't been putting it to use. Riverratt - I also know I need to have more patience. It's definitely something with which I struggle. M30USA - I have no family nearby, but my father-in-law has been a big help. We're not divorced, just separated. The reasons for it are a physical and emotional distance between us that's been growing for years (on which he refuses to work), some personality traits of ours that are mismatched (a fact that life is becoming too short to ignore), and his inability to accept me physically (a fact I realize should have been a dealbreaker from the start, but I was only 18 - what did I know?). Sad puppy - I'm sorry that happened to your family. Something eerily similar happened with my family. 3 kids, dad suddenly disappeared (like, off the face of the earth) - I know what I'm going through pales in comparison to what either of our moms went through. And I'm pretty sure I'll look back and wonder what all the angst was about. But damn if it isn't incredibly painful right now. Thank you for reaching out. What do you mean by saying he won't accept you physically?
Author StartingOver4 Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 I mean, I've always been a "curvy" gal (not obese, just some extra pounds). He's pressured me to lose weight for 14 years, even though after 2 kids I'm within 15 pounds of the day we met. I guess I'm just not his type. I bought into it for a long time, and hated my body right along with him. Then at some point in the past year, it just became clear to me that it's HIS problem, there are plenty of men who are attracted to me, and I will NEVER allow a man to be "settling" by sleeping with me, if I can help it. It's a non-negotiable at this point. I don't see how anything short of a lobotomy (on him) can fix this.
Clarence Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Newly single mother applying for assistance? I am a newly single mother of three children, all preschool age. I am living at my dads house, but he doesn't support me as far as paying bills and for food. I live off of food stamps, WIC, medicaid and I am in school full time.
todreaminblue Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Hello everyone. I am really struggling. It's like this. I can handle the break-up of a 14-year relationship. I can handle setting up an apartment by myself. I can handle two small children on my own. But all 3 of those at once? I am losing it. I had no idea it would be this hard. I have panic attacks multiple times each week. I get so overwhelmed when my to-do list is a mile long and I can't do anything because I have the kids 26 days out of the month. It's been 3 weeks, and things have gone from bad to worse. I really lost my temper today, and my wonderful children do not deserve that. I don't see any way out of this mess. I know I don't want to go back, but seem unable to get to anywhere near a peaceful place with this. Please help. I feel fro you have been in a similar situation.I did have family support girlfriends and my faith to help me....sent many prayers heavenwards to help me.....and they helped....gave me peace of mind...i have five children one mentally impaired three younger girls and a boy in juvenile justice when my ex and i separated....so it was intense to say the least.......i got quite sick but i got better its taken me a lot to recover the first year is the toughest dont make nay major decisions in that first year......like dating for one....your kids and you need space.....don't put too much pressure on yourself to be mum and dad all at once.....fall into it if you are the primary care giver now your role has changed and needs to incorporate the parent who no longer resides with you.... you will adapt if you take time out to center yourself....do what you love dont disappear into just being a parent...you have needs too....look after yourself.....take up an activity or do something you couldnt do in the relationship that your partner took the time away for....the time you spent on him....channel it into something that is just for you that you always wanted.....is there something you can think of....kids do sleep take that time you spent with your partner to follow something you love doing....realise there will always be down days.....i am having one today.....injured due to stupidity...so i am now feeling a bit trapped......so i wrote a poem that's what i do or write notes to myself....like a crazy person but that's me .....is there anything you can think of that you enjoy immensely?????.......have you got external support from family?.....best wishes..... deb
Author StartingOver4 Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 Thank you, todreaminblue. There's a lot of good, practical advice here - especially the part about not making big decisions or putting pressure on myself. Thanks again.
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