How do you stop crying?

[River Rain]

I'm in the limbo phase of my first relationship in nearly 20 years. I'm waiting on him to decide if he wants me or not. I guess I'm desperate huh? Twenty years ago, I told the last bf to leave because of his drama. Now I feel trapped because I don't want to lose this one. I'm living in an isolated area where there is zero chance of meeting anyone new. I will be moving, but that's another seven months away...it's sad. Am I holding on to him because of that?

 

The ball is in his court, and even though I felt somehow empowered by standing up for myself and making my desires and needs clear, I still feel like I messed it all up.

 

I never knew I could produce so many tears. I don't know how to deal with this waiting. Do I assume it's over? How do I stop crying? I'm doing all I can, watching comedies, cleaning the house, walking my dog...I just burst into tears at any moment. I know this sounds pathetic, I'm 44 years old for chr**t sake...

[TaraMaiden]

I'm in the limbo phase of my first relationship in nearly 20 years. I'm waiting on him to decide if he wants me or not. I guess I'm desperate huh?

At face value, it sounds like it, yes.... Are you desperate for him - or desperate to be loved? Are you sure it's him you want, or just to be wanted..?

 

Twenty years ago, I told the last bf to leave because of his drama. Now I feel trapped because I don't want to lose this one. I'm living in an isolated area where there is zero chance of meeting anyone new. I will be moving, but that's another seven months away...it's sad. Am I holding on to him because of that?

You shouldn't ever want or expect another person to fulfil the person you already are. it's not up to them, to make you happy. It's up to you, to make you happy.

 

The ball is in his court, and even though I felt somehow empowered by standing up for myself and making my desires and needs clear, I still feel like I messed it all up.

Possibly because your stance is an unfamiliar one. Doesn't make it wrong though, does it? it's important to have standards and principles.

 

I never knew I could produce so many tears. I don't know how to deal with this waiting. Do I assume it's over? How do I stop crying? I'm doing all I can, watching comedies, cleaning the house, walking my dog...I just burst into tears at any moment. I know this sounds pathetic, I'm 44 years old for chr**t sake...

 

'Christ's sake' is fine, if that's what you need to say....

 

Don't do things to infill and replace. Do things because you want to breathe, grow and improve.

And quit crying round your dog, they sense weakness. And then assume it's their responsibility to take care of that..... (sorry, that's my Dog Behaviourist side coming out.... )

 

Look in the mirror, observe your face as you cry. Look at how red, swollen and puffy you look. Why do weeping women never look like that in films? because it's undignified.

So ask yourself: "Why am I making another person so worthy of this indignity? What has he truly got that i could get unto this state, over?"

 

I mean, he must be a "walk on water" kind of guy, huh?

 

Yes?

No?

Don't know?

 

Damn, for all of this, he had better be!

[River Rain]

I would love to know the answer. My wife and I separated 2 years ago....she left with our kids, but I sort of showed her the door (figuratively). I thought I was better off w/o her, and for a long time, I lived as if I were. Then I realized that she's the only thing in the world I want. Maybe we can reconcile, maybe not.

 

But I cry all the time. Sucks. I wake up in the middle of the night and lose it. I will be at work or in a class, and I get to the point where I have to get up and go into the bathroom or my car because my eyes are tearing up.

 

Resolution and closure, in your case and mine, is probably the most important thing in helping with those intense feelings of sadness.

 

One thing that my therapist told me was that we get sad as a reaction to our thoughts. In other words, we're not sad about what is happening, but what we think is happening, whether it actually is or not. When we start to have those thoughts, the key is to recognize what we're thinking about, breathe it out a little, tell ourselves they're just our thoughts and not what is happening, and to steer those thoughts in another direction.

 

Granted, thats easier said than done, especially when you wake up in the middle of the night from some horrible dream.

 

I'm sorry about your wife. Do you think after so long you can reconcile? Have you tried to date again? I can't imagine dating anyone else at this point. I'd been alone a long time, and I feel like I'm better off not making myself vulnerable again - of course, that's the broken heart speaking for me.

 

I don't believe closure exists in any form to be honest. But I think you're right about resolution. I don't know that I'd feel such despair if he wasn't giving me the silent treatment. Knowledge is power so they say, and by not speaking to me, he's taking my "power" away so to speak. Weird because a week ago, he said I was worth it, "we" were worth it and he cared deeply about me. Even called me the pet name, he called me "Freckles". But since then, one text and nothing else. We used to talk daily on the phone, text and email, then this. Makes we wonder what I've done wrong this time, but I can't figure that out. I'm the type who needs answers, it's my curious nature, so I know that's why it's so hard to deal with.

 

But this crying...just out of nowhere I'm heaving and in a weeping heap on the floor. I'm so thankful that my dog is here to give me a little comfort, he's so sweet, nuzzling up and giving me those doggie kisses (probably just likes the taste of my tears!), but it's comforting. I'm quite isolated, my dog's been right by my side for 17 years now. More loyal than any partner I've ever had

[Minka333]

Crying over someone who makes you feel unimportant is sending you alarms that you aren't really crying over them. You are really crying for yourself..for all the emptiness/sadness you feel deep within you. These people are just mere representations of what you lack.

 

A person worth crying for is someone who gives you tears of joy. Someone who cries with you through sorrow, triumphs and joy. Someone who values /protects your emotions above all else.

 

But since we're human and we get blindsided by emotions, it is ok to cry. Release our frustrations. It's ok to cry until we can clearly see again.

[CopingGal]

Hi. I was in a relationship that I spent a lot of time crying in. This fool made me cry and cry and cry. Or, I was missing, missing, missing him because he was VERY shelfish with his time and acted like he so wanted to see me all the time but he couldn't because of his son, because of his job, because of lack of money. So I put up with it, off and on for three years. After three years he confessed that he could have seen me more if he wanted to...he just didn't want to. That was the kind of disgusting person I spent years waiting for and crying over. Well no more. I don't know what kind of person this is. I do know that if he loved me so much he wouldn't have strung me along for three years, consistently lied to my face and made me cry. That's my experience. In the end, I should have left him before the second date. No man is worth all of the crying I did and I cried a lot, so many times. He ended up being just a waste of skin. I hope your bf is better than that.

[River Rain]

Oh well, I did stop crying. He was very selfish. I don't think I really loved him. I was in love with the romance. You are right, no person is worth crying over like this. I'm a strong woman, the hell with him. He was a difficult man, very stubborn, always thought he was right, wouldn't budge and admit any wrong doing...often treated me like a child if I really think about it, talking down to me, and I caught him in a few lies that I never called him on. Not to mention him ignoring me so much, even though I told him the first time he did it, that it hurt me terribly. He kept doing it anyway.

 

You know, writing all of that above makes me wonder what the heck I was doing with such a person. Sure he had his good points, but the bad ones really outweigh them. I'm not wasting any more time on him. Yes, I totally felt strung along. But I allowed myself to dangle too...

 

Thanks for everyone's support of late. I got the dump email last night, although I already knew it was over. I'm ready to get back to me again now.

Edited October 1, 2012 by River Rain

[TaraMaiden]

You know, the older I get, the more I realise "it's up to me. Happy, starts here. Content, starts here. Peaceful, starts here."

 

The consideration to always take into account, and to remember, equally, is that "Sad, starts here. Troubled, starts here. Angry, starts here."

 

While in the thick of it, it's hard to remember that whatever we have in our mind, is because we put it there. Thinking one thought, is one thing; permitting it to snowball into a long diatribe and story, which then hurtles on under its own steam towards a mental car-crash - is quite another.

 

I'm so glad you've stopped crying, and I'm also very happy your train of thought brought you to this juncture, rather than any other....

 

Now - Go No Contact, because taking the stuff you tell us from your post - it rather sounds as if he will be a 'yank-your-chain' merchant.

Never, ever respond reply or react to anything he sends - and I suspect he will - until you come and vent the content to us first!

We're here to watch your back - and we'll take care of you. <3

[The other women]

It seems liken this is more about the change its goung to make go your life ratherthn the guy himself! Take someti eto really think about what you want. What you can benefit from being with him and without him. The bakks I your court too you have tghe power to leave him remember

[River Rain]

You know, the older I get, the more I realise "it's up to me. Happy, starts here. Content, starts here. Peaceful, starts here."

 

The consideration to always take into account, and to remember, equally, is that "Sad, starts here. Troubled, starts here. Angry, starts here."

 

While in the thick of it, it's hard to remember that whatever we have in our mind, is because we put it there. Thinking one thought, is one thing; permitting it to snowball into a long diatribe and story, which then hurtles on under its own steam towards a mental car-crash - is quite another.

 

I'm so glad you've stopped crying, and I'm also very happy your train of thought brought you to this juncture, rather than any other....

 

Now - Go No Contact, because taking the stuff you tell us from your post - it rather sounds as if he will be a 'yank-your-chain' merchant.

Never, ever respond reply or react to anything he sends - and I suspect he will - until you come and vent the content to us first!

We're here to watch your back - and we'll take care of you. <3

 

You're so sweet Tara! xxxxx

I doubt I'll hear from him, I said some very nasty things last night...but I feel as though he deserved to hear them. But it's okay. It's kind of like an insurance policy that he will never contact me again. Plus his email address is blocked. I changed my cell number too. I really took action to make sure I can't get in touch with him and vice versa. I deleted him as a contact and I don't even remember his cell number to be honest.

 

I'm strong and confident today. I just did a manicure and a Tarot reading for myself. I read the cards. For so long it was all about him and the message was always the same, I just didn't pay attention to it. Kind of like what you said regarding being in the thick of things. I couldn't accept the message because I was clouded with pain...but it was pain I created because I wanted the romance so badly. I actually remember thinking to myself earlier on that I shouldn't be with him because we were too different. He has a kid, and I'm not kid-friendly at all. But I overlooked that first very important red flag of incompatibility, all for the romance.

 

Live and learn. Life is too short to waste, I'm moving on.

[River Rain]

Hi,

I'm new to this forum, but I was reading your thread and I was feeling so sad that you couldn't quit crying over this guy. I was so happy to see that you finally did quit crying and realize now the reality of how he is and how he treated you.

I think sometimes when we're getting dumped it's just that feeling of rejection in general that makes you think the other person is better than you and you lose sight of some of the bad things.

Glad you're getting back to YOU!

 

Thank you!

You're right, it's the sting of rejection. How could he not want me? That makes me laugh now. I know he wanted me, he often told me of his desires. But in the end, someone else will enjoy me, he missed out big time. He's probably very angry with me right now, which is fine, because of the things I said to him; but down the line he'll realize that he missed something special. His lifestyle is such that he doesn't have time to date..work, traveling and his kid consume his time so much that he already lacks proper sleep. I was accepting of this lifestyle, and he told me I was the only one who ever was. It empowers me to know that he's put himself back into loneliness, as harsh as that sounds right now. But I think eventually, if it had continued, I would have gotten sick of his controlling attitude and eventually dumped him. Doomed from the start as they say. I'm good though.

 

You know, every time I go to the grocery store, the guy behind the deli counter checks me out and smiles, maybe a little grocery shopping is in order today for an ego boost?

[CopingGal]

 

I never knew I could produce so many tears. I don't know how to deal with this waiting. Do I assume it's over? How do I stop crying? I'm doing all I can, watching comedies, cleaning the house, walking my dog...I just burst into tears at any moment. I know this sounds pathetic, I'm 44 years old for chr**t sake...

 

44 year olds cry too. I'm 46 and I cried and cried and cried. I'm glad your dog is there. Dogs can be a great source of comfort.

[River Rain]

44 year olds cry too. I'm 46 and I cried and cried and cried. I'm glad your dog is there. Dogs can be a great source of comfort.

 

Oh, I know, I guess I was beating myself up a little huh?...actually I don't think crying is a bad thing, it's a very good release of emotion, I just feel so immature sometimes. I think it's my lack of relationship experience that made me feel like a desperate teenager. And you are so right, my dog is my rock at the moment!

[TaraMaiden]

Seriously, I'm a little worried for your dog.... don't depend on him for your support too much.... it's too much of a responsibility for an animal that can't understand how your mind is working.....

And truly, believe me when I say that with kindness....

[RaeRae961]

Hello,

I wanted to chime in here a bit, I'm new to the forum and it seems like I've been through a lot of what others here have been through.

 

First of all - being in my 40s as well, crying is not foreign to me either, between getting divorced a year and a half ago and then suddenly losing my bf a few months ago, I never knew so many tears could come out of these eyes. And I don't think there is anything wrong with crying in front of your dog. My dog always brings his toy to me when I'm crying, he is very intuitive and comforting.

 

Also - It's great about your comment about the deli guy.

[TaraMaiden]

It's one thing to cry in front of your dog, but to rely on them as an emotional support and prop can be distressing to them. I'm not being holier-than-thou, but as an experienced dog behaviourist (Think Cesar Millan without the dominant aggro) I have seen for myself how helpless pets can feel in the face of something they don't understand.

 

Anyway, this is O/T and not really what the thread is about, so no further thread-jacking from me. Apologies to the OP.

 

For more info, you can come here....

[River Rain]

Seriously, I'm a little worried for your dog.... don't depend on him for your support too much.... it's too much of a responsibility for an animal that can't understand how your mind is working.....

And truly, believe me when I say that with kindness....

 

I know it's with kindness, thanks. But don't get the image of a broken woman crying 24 hours a day on her dog's shoulders. When I'm down, I hug him, he gives me little pug kisses, snuggles in my lap and falls asleep. I don't think he's traumatized at all, he has no anxiety, no signs of sadness at all...I've been his fur-mom for 17 years, he's a happy old-timer who only wants to bring me joy.

[River Rain]

Hello,

I wanted to chime in here a bit, I'm new to the forum and it seems like I've been through a lot of what others here have been through.

 

First of all - being in my 40s as well, crying is not foreign to me either, between getting divorced a year and a half ago and then suddenly losing my bf a few months ago, I never knew so many tears could come out of these eyes. And I don't think there is anything wrong with crying in front of your dog. My dog always brings his toy to me when I'm crying, he is very intuitive and comforting.

 

Also - It's great about your comment about the deli guy.

 

Oh the deli guy, lol...I'm actually on my way to the store, lol...that's just for ego though, he's at least 20 years younger than me!

 

I'm sorry for what you've been through. Yeah, the tears...there's no shame in it. I used to bottle everything up and it ended coming out in other ways, so the tears are very healthy. I think they dehydrated me at some point though, like a river they were flowing.

[TaraMaiden]

I know it's with kindness, thanks. But don't get the image of a broken woman crying 24 hours a day on her dog's shoulders. When I'm down, I hug him, he gives me little pug kisses, snuggles in my lap and falls asleep. I don't think he's traumatized at all, he has no anxiety, no signs of sadness at all...I've been his fur-mom for 17 years, he's a happy old-timer who only wants to bring me joy.

 

He's a pug - ?! Oh forget everything I've said!! :laugh:

 

They are the most 'human' dog breed there is! Hell, they're more human than humans sometimes!! I love pugs! huge characters in little bodies! They definitely know their minds!

[River Rain]

He's a pug - ?! Oh forget everything I've said!! :laugh:

 

They are the most 'human' dog breed there is! Hell, they're more human than humans sometimes!! I love pugs! huge characters in little bodies! They definitely know their minds!

 

LOL...okay you totally made me laugh to TEARS...tears of joy Tara, thank you. And yes, pugs are like little humans, I always say I have a hairy toddler who just refuses to grow up, lol...he's velcroed to me. I had another one, but he passed in 2011 at 16 years old. Those two little guys thought they were people.

[stemac]

Hello river

 

I'm 43 and I am sick of crying for someone

Who doesn't give a toss about me, had a really

Bad day today got home and cried my eyes out

I emailed her after, had so much in my head

I had to pour it out in a email, I know I shouldn't

Have NC, I except she gone now, she just walked

Away from me like I was nothing, it's hard to except

When someone you truely love, calls it a day for

No real reason, my tears have tried to wash the

Pain away, think I would have to cry forever for

That to happen, so I'm doing as you have I will

Delete her number and all the texts we have sent

From day 1 and her email address, she not worth

My love, I deserve better and so do you river

[River Rain]

Hello river

 

I'm 43 and I am sick of crying for someone

Who doesn't give a toss about me, had a really

Bad day today got home and cried my eyes out

I emailed her after, had so much in my head

I had to pour it out in a email, I know I shouldn't

Have NC, I except she gone now, she just walked

Away from me like I was nothing, it's hard to except

When someone you truely love, calls it a day for

No real reason, my tears have tried to wash the

Pain away, think I would have to cry forever for

That to happen, so I'm doing as you have I will

Delete her number and all the texts we have sent

From day 1 and her email address, she not worth

My love, I deserve better and so do you river

 

I'm so sorry for your loss!!! People can be so cruel. The worst feeling is when you don't know why it ended, when you think genuinely that you've done everything right and yet, they still walk away. You are right, she's not worth your love. We all deserve happiness, understanding, caring and affection. If the person we are with or who left us doesn't feel the same way, they are dirt. It's hard, but you can move on, we can move on. We only live once in this life, we must seek out the best and never settle. Hugs.

[stemac]

hello river thank you for your words

 

yes its so hard when they go for no real reason, ive taken this break up very badly lost alot of weight, i just hope i can come to terms with it... its been 8 or 9 weeks now, and its still as painful as day-one :0(

 

hope your getting by ok?

[River Rain]

hello river thank you for your words

 

yes its so hard when they go for no real reason, ive taken this break up very badly lost alot of weight, i just hope i can come to terms with it... its been 8 or 9 weeks now, and its still as painful as day-one :0(

 

hope your getting by ok?

 

Thank you. I'm doing fine actually. His behaviour got me angry and that has helped to empower me. Being angry made me go over all his bad points one by one. The bad definitely outweighed the good, I mean, I felt more alone in that relationship than when I was alone. Hindsight has allowed me to see the red flags where before I was blinded by romance. I'm keeping very busy, planning for my future and watching as many stupid comedies as I can to make myself laugh. I can't help thinking of him, it's habit, but with time that habit will be replaced, I want love in my life, so I'm out to get it no matter what. I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was the last three weeks. I guess because I have this strong view that we musn't waste time, that we just never know when our time is up you know? For that reason, I just can't allow myself to put life on hold for anyone. Seize the day and all that, I'm trying to be positive. It might be a little "fake it until you make it" going on, but it's making things a lot easier.

 

I also decided to change my perspective a little bit. I still don't know why he did what he did, so I turned it around and decided that, although he beat me to the punch, I was the one who would have ended things because of x, y and z. This also gave me a little power over the situation. Don't know if that'll help you or not, but it really helped me.

 

Oh, you need to take care of yourself. Make sure you eat and drink lots of water, stay away from sad music and movies...try to make yourself laugh. Get out of the house and just be around others, distraction is how to get through it in my opinion. I wish there was a magic formula for getting over a break up but I guess we're all different and we all need to grieve at our own pace. I just hope you can feel better soon. Heartache is the worst.

[stemac]

yeah i try to eat but my appetite just not there, ive lost 2 stone, or 28lb in 8 weeks i do drink

water, sounds like your doing very well, I really wish i could think like you are,

I think i am doing all the Wrong things, To get over an Ex no family around and

friends have moved on, you see my Ex was my best friend, she was everything

really:( so I am not busy at all mostly on my own, yeah ive been watching

comedies on Tv trying to laugh, its the morning are the killer for me, wake up

and bang its hits like a ton of bricks,

 

yes ive been listening to sad music not a good idea lol... yes Heartache is the

worse feeling ever, i really don't think i will ever love again, i was really good with

my EX we just come back from holiday week later she ended it by a heartless

text, god i thought i was worth more then that, i loved her unconditional love

and i get a text, for all i did for her just not fair, so that's why i don't think i will love again

is its really isn't worth it, to be treated like you are nothing?

 

I know ! am hurting but its the way i feel

 

but you on the other hand sounds like your ready well getting there to find

again and i really hope you do :-)

[River Rain]

Well, it does SOUND like I'm ready....putting that into practice is a whole other story! Like I said, fake it till you make it...but yes, I'm certainly trying because before the ex, I was alone for 18 years. I had depression, really bad, but now I manage it fairly well, so I'm ready for romance. I missed it a lot.

 

My ex broke it off through email. I guess he felt I didn't deserve a phone call, but honestly? Email or text breakups? Cowards.

 

I'm like you, I have no friends or family, he was my best friend too. The only people helping me at this point, besides myself, are the folks I've been interacting with on this forum. Well, my dog too, but he's deaf, lol...and doesn't understand English, lol...I'm trying to laugh as much as I can.

 

I still have no appetite, in fact yesterday all I managed besides water and coffee was a little mashed potatoes. I'm going to try to eat some steamed asparagus tonight. I think we have to eat despite not having an appetite though.

 

I actually registered for some university courses, they start in January. Right now I'm terribly isolated in the countryside, but I hope that once I'm back in school, I'll be more sociable and meet someone new. That's step one for me in trying to find love again. I'm also considering moving back to the city so that I can have more chance to meet people. Love is my number one priority right now!

 

You will love again, and you will find a woman who will love you and you will both be happy. You see, I feel as though I don't deserve love. This is an ingrained thought because of my upbringing. When my ex dumped me, I kept saying "they were right" over and over...but I still have to keep some hope that I can find love again and lasting true love. I keep having to tell myself I do deserve love and happiness because I'm a good person. Of course I still think of him, but I have to wipe those thoughts away. I have to remember the cruel person that he was, not the good times we had, because I was idealizing the good times and making myself feel worse.

 

Oh no, no sad songs!!! In fact, I've been avoiding all music, because all of it has some kind of significance for me!!! But yeah, the comedies are working. Maybe it's the mornings when you get up that you need to dive into some laughter to get your day going?

 

Another cliché comes to mind, "success is the best revenge"...maybe it's not revenge I'm after, but I won't allow him the satisfaction of him thinking I'm a sobbing mess because I can't have him...a little stubborn too, that's me ;-)