ID80 Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 I recently got engaged and love my finance and I know he loves me. However, it is his lack of interest when it comes to planning a holiday or weekend getaway or just a weekend that has started upsetting me. Before I delve in, I will brief you on our background. We are both Hindus belonging from conservative communities. Before, he proposed, we will dating for more than a year, which caused a lot of worry among the parents, as they didn't know where the relationship would head. Through out this period, "Us time" in a form of a holiday was impossible, as our parents would freak and we felt we were too old to sneak around and lie and take off for days. Through out this entire period, I never took a vacation solo ( I am an avid traveller), or with him, where as he already took one golf vacation, two trips to the US for work/pleasure and one or two weekends as well. Don't get me wrong, he never stopped me, but its something I had to do, given the stressful situation at home. The last trip was a 2 week combined work/pleasure trip right after the engagement and its been just a week since he has come back. We always kept talking about sneaking away to my family holiday home in the mountains, but it never materialized. Now I get to know he is already planning a golf weekend with his buddies to an exotic location. He did ask me later, but I refused, since I dont fancy sitting around the hotel, on our first holiday! I was pretty upset and told him, that he never takes any sort of INITIATIVE when it comes to us. Our dates are planned by me. If there is a state holiday, his first instinct is to book a golf game and spend the entire day on the course. If its a special occasion like my birthday, and the idea was to spend the entire day together and I leave the planning to him, it is always something haphazard. Even day trips which we have taken, have been suggested/planned by me. The only time he takes initiative or plans something when he wants to do something related to his golf. I just feel amazed that the same kind of enthsusiam is not shown when it comes to us, especially after the engagement. Also we don't live together, see each other 3-4 times a week on an average and usually for a couple of hours post work. So us being intimate is also very restricted, since both of live with our families (though we will move out to our place after marriage). Am I being too sensitive to this? It is not about him taking a solo vacation again, what hurts me more is that his lack of planning/initiative in planning something for us ever! He did call me at night and explained that his trip isnt 100% sure, but for me that is not the issue. I just feel that his first instinct should be planning something for us be it a holiday or a daytrip, given the stressful journey I had to go through with my parents regarding him and now they have accepted us 100%. I don't know how to tackle this issue without sounding too clingy.
Author ID80 Posted September 30, 2012 Author Posted September 30, 2012 Anyone has any inputs? Feeling a little down right now!
TaraMaiden Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Oh that's very helpful. Is he this reticent in other areas as well? Is his home life matriarchal or patriarchal? in other words (regardless of culture!) who seems to be the dominant partner in his parents? When a man behaves in what one might take to be an untraditional manner, in a culture where tradition is still extremely important - look to upbringing. Because - he won't change. if you're doing all the arranging - and he's letting you - then get set for a life-time habit. And if you continue doing it - he will continue letting you.
Author ID80 Posted September 30, 2012 Author Posted September 30, 2012 Abandon your culture. Lol if only I could!! His mother is the more dominating one, however he is pretty independent and doesnt really listen to her or his folks. He is an easy-going and laidback guy on the whole. And does try to recitfy his behavior at times. Like I spoke to him briefly today (he was at a golf game, something which he easily plans in advance) and he only talked about booking tickets for a weekend getaway, which we had discussed months ago hundred times. He realised I got upset at his golf weekend trip and now insisted that I look up tickets. But I just felt so let down, that the excitement for me just went away. Because I just feel I keep forcing it down his throat and feel like an after thought!
TaraMaiden Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 His mother is the more dominating one, however he is pretty independent and doesnt really listen to her or his folks. Is he an only child? Only son? Eldest? He is an easy-going and laidback guy on the whole. And does try to recitfy his behavior at times. "At times". In other words, when it suits him, or if it's to get him results. And the results he wants are to keep you happy, stop you complaining and restore the status quo.... Like I spoke to him briefly today (he was at a golf game, something which he easily plans in advance) and he only talked about booking tickets for a weekend getaway, which we had discussed months ago hundred times. He realised I got upset at his golf weekend trip and now insisted that I look up tickets. But I just felt so let down, that the excitement for me just went away. Exactly. Quick back-pedal to keep her happy. That way, she'll stop complaining and comply.... Because I just feel I keep forcing it down his throat and feel like an after thought! he's a 'me first merchant' and perhaps always has been. maybe that's what he learnt....and what he may never be able to change. he needs a conformist wife. Are you that person?
O'farrell Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Lol if only I could!! His mother is the more dominating one, however he is pretty independent and doesnt really listen to her or his folks. He is an easy-going and laidback guy on the whole. And does try to recitfy his behavior at times. Like I spoke to him briefly today (he was at a golf game, something which he easily plans in advance) and he only talked about booking tickets for a weekend getaway, which we had discussed months ago hundred times. He realised I got upset at his golf weekend trip and now insisted that I look up tickets. But I just felt so let down, that the excitement for me just went away. Because I just feel I keep forcing it down his throat and feel like an after thought! I feel your pain. I am Afghani and my mom was a control freak. Let me tell you why he is like this. It is very simple. Over-controlling mother who justifies her control through "culture" = The women in his life controlling things He will never be the proactive one when it comes to the two of you. He is used to the woman taking the initiative. You might even have a couple assertive/controlling qualities yourself and he might have subconsciously fell for you because of them lol.
Author ID80 Posted September 30, 2012 Author Posted September 30, 2012 I don't know if thats an apt description. Whatever issues have cropped us between, we have always been able to discuss them and try improving ourselves. In fact whenever there is a problem or a fight, he is the one who initiates contact, discussion, while I tend to go into a shell. I don't agree with the conformist wife, because he knows I am extremely independent and both of us are quite individualistic. And thats why we got attracted to each other in the first place. I don't want you guys to read too much into our cultures, as he has lived most of his adult life in the US and has a very very progressive thinking. The culture thing was mentioned in my post, since right now we are back in India, and living with our folks and hence just respecting their stance, but not in an extreme way. How do I get my point across and my feelings without coming across as too emotional or needy?
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