Tired of feeling unloved

[caligirl23]

At 33 years old, I have been in many relationships, some ending badly, others just ending. I have not been in a serious relationship in 3 years and have grown tired of meeting people and things not working out. I am successful in my job, attractive- I am a former model, and I have a heart of gold. I treat everyone I meet respectfully and present myself in a manner that exudes confidence. I know because I work at it. I have been used up and thrown away like garbage recently more times than I care to admit with no clear understanding of why. The most recent is a man who I have written about before on this blog. I stopped because readers were becoming cruel, telling me to get over it and stop whining about it etc., and little by little I started getting back to my old self, realizing that maybe things end for a reason. Last night, the man I mention invited me out for dinner and drinks after a 4 month break. I should have said no, but I fell in love with this man very easily, which doesn't usually happen and the relationship ended abruptly with him saying "there isn't a spark". I had this overwhelming desire to hear what he had to say. Last night, he changed his tune from the "no spark" to telling me he missed me, made a mistake, and wanted us to try again. He admitted that he ended things because he had feelings for an ex that he was hoping would come back. She didn't. At first, I appreciated the honesty, but then realized that I am a runner-up. Second best. Not good enough the be number one, but good enough to have around now that she isn't. I tore myself to shreds wondering what I did and why I wasn't good enough, only to know that he ended things for another reason and deceived me the whole time. I declined physical activity of course because I am not a booty call kind of girl, thereby changing the whole tune of the night from "Let's get back together" to "On second thought...let's just be friends". It's amazing what refusal to have sex will do. I found myself absolutely irate. Furious at myself for even believing that this man could love me the way I love him and furious at him for treating me like I am not worthy of any value. I vowed that he would never fool me again only to hear "Well, if I felt a spark, I never would have lied to you about the other girl". I am back to square one and have nobody to blame but myself. Truth is though....when someone treats you like you are nothing, you start to feel that way and no matter how nice you are, no matter how kind you are to others, that feeling of worthlessness trumps it all. I have barely moved from the couch, slept 2 hours last night, and can barely see from the tears. I am tired and find myself thinking bad thoughts about self harm and hopelessness. How is it possible that one human being can make another feel so terrible?

[Mike_d]

well, prob not what you want to hear, but nobody can *make* you feel like that, you are in total control of your emotions and feelings. At it's simplest level - if you don't want to feel like that? then dont. But I understand that it takes time to process all this hurt and rejection, I'm sorry you have to feel like that, you sound like a great person.

 

Time to get back to all the things you need to do so that you don't just sit there and allow your brain to have at it. Pick up the phone, call friends, go out, write a gratitude list, volunteer to help people that are more disadvantaged than you to help keep things in perspective. Your mind is your worst enemy at the moment. But do try to keep in mind, hard as it is, that it is 100% up to you as to how you feel.

 

I used to try to go 1 minute, I'd actually set a timer lol, and "allow" myself not to feel bad. crazy hard at first, near impossible, but with practice you can get there, then go for 2 mins, see where it takes you.

 

Hang in there, and keep your eyes pointed forward, ignore the rear view mirror as best you can, lots of dynamite guys out there, self included, and you sound like a keeper. head up!

[caligirl23]

Thank you, Mike. I appreciate the kind words. I get what you're saying..nobody can "make" you feel a certain way. But, they sure can stir up some stuff that wasn't there or only rears its head when a person is feeling at their lowest. I know I will bounce back, as I have before. But, as kind hearted as I am, I sure am wishing some bad karma on this guy. I have been nothing but good to him and just cannot understand how he or some people in general can sleep at night knowing they are liars and do things to intentionally hurt people that don't deserve it. We live in a cruel world, which is part of the reason that sometime I don't feel like I belong here. In my ideal world, people are good and kind and build each other up, not hurt each other. I wonder if I will ever get away from the fantasy I live in....

[Calico]

We live in a cruel world, which is part of the reason that sometime I don't feel like I belong here. In my ideal world, people are good and kind and build each other up, not hurt each other.

 

The world is what it is, and people are who they are. Labels like "good" and "bad" are all relative, and no, reality is not like a Disney movie. Often, when someone says they wish others were "good" and kind (to them), it just means that they want people to want the same as they do.

 

We have no real control over others and their thoughts, needs and wishes, but we do have power over our reactions. In your situation, that man seems to be a little confused about what he wants. It's pretty common. Does that make him "bad" and malicious? I doubt he had intentionally meant to hurt you. He's probably just another person who is desperate to be loved.

 

His preference for another woman doesn't say anything about you, but you do make it about yourself and feel that because of a choice he made it means that you're not good enough. It's nothing like that, though, and it doesn't make the world a cruel place. It does make the world a place where you can decide how you react to other people's actions, where you have control over how you look at a situation, and where you decided which aspects you focus on. That's your power.

 

As Terry Pratchett wrote in one of the Discworld novels, "There isn't a way things should be. There's just what happens, and what we do."

[caligirl23]

As Terry Pratchett wrote in one of the Discworld novels, "There isn't a way things should be. There's just what happens, and what we do."

 

This is a great quote. Thank you, Calico. My power now, though it seems pointless to some, is the ability to finally have some closure and know that I was right all along about him leaving for another girl. It's all in the game of love right? It may seem simple, but just having that validation that I am not crazy and that the feeling that there was someone else was real kind of lifts a weight off my shoulders. I see the lying to me and then having me come over only to again tell me there is no spark is the part that seems malicious to me. He went out of his way to rope me in and spit me out again and I let it happen out of not wanting to see a bad side of him. In a matter of one hour he went from wanting to get back together, to just wanting to be friends. It's almost like "Hey, I want to screw. Let's get back together. Oh, you don't want to? Well, let's just be friends then". To me, that is where it became mean, in addition to lying to me throughout our whole relationship. Well....whatever. I am just rambling now.

 

Seriously though, I appreciate your input. Thank you.

[smokey bear]

The crying and bad feelings can go away, emotions are controllabled and you can help yourself greatly, google emotions and research and understand why we get sad etc, you can change how you feel by changing what you know.

 

Understand emotion, its a great tool.

 

Next google how to release emotion, the exercises are great and work.

[caligirl23]

I did that and I actually feel a little better! Now, I need to really read multiple sites and use that advice, as one site was about vibration exercises and spirit guides, etc., and that's a bit "out there" for me, but overall...your advice was great and refreshing. Thank you!

[Pacman]

If you're a model - Then the nice guys you're looking for are probably too intimidated by you to ask you out.

 

Fault lies with them though

[soccerrprp]

caligirl23,

 

the world is what it is...i don't know you, so don't know if you're one of the good girls or someone who is experiencing what almost everyone else experience at least once in their lives. it's funny, how dating again has really made me more cynical...like wondering if you, an attractive woman, has ever rejected a guy because he wasn't good enough for you as you are experiencing now.... don't mean to make things worse. The most attractive and seemingly least go through what you are going through. It's part of the current, modern state of things.

 

I am convinced that more recent, modern socio-economic dynamics have made many people very cynical and jaded.

 

I'm babbling, sorry. Hang in there and remember that you, ultimately, have control over how you feel and how you spend and orient your life. Don't allow your value and worth be dictated by how much someone else thinks about you. If you are a good person, you rock! If not, you suck! Be more cautious and feel good about yourself.

 

Good luck.

[NoMoreJerks]

At 33 years old, I have been in many relationships, some ending badly, others just ending. I have not been in a serious relationship in 3 years and have grown tired of meeting people and things not working out. I am successful in my job, attractive- I am a former model, and I have a heart of gold. I treat everyone I meet respectfully and present myself in a manner that exudes confidence. I know because I work at it. I have been used up and thrown away like garbage recently more times than I care to admit with no clear understanding of why. The most recent is a man who I have written about before on this blog. I stopped because readers were becoming cruel, telling me to get over it and stop whining about it etc., and little by little I started getting back to my old self, realizing that maybe things end for a reason. Last night, the man I mention invited me out for dinner and drinks after a 4 month break. I should have said no, but I fell in love with this man very easily, which doesn't usually happen and the relationship ended abruptly with him saying "there isn't a spark". I had this overwhelming desire to hear what he had to say. Last night, he changed his tune from the "no spark" to telling me he missed me, made a mistake, and wanted us to try again. He admitted that he ended things because he had feelings for an ex that he was hoping would come back. She didn't. At first, I appreciated the honesty, but then realized that I am a runner-up. Second best. Not good enough the be number one, but good enough to have around now that she isn't. I tore myself to shreds wondering what I did and why I wasn't good enough, only to know that he ended things for another reason and deceived me the whole time. I declined physical activity of course because I am not a booty call kind of girl, thereby changing the whole tune of the night from "Let's get back together" to "On second thought...let's just be friends". It's amazing what refusal to have sex will do. I found myself absolutely irate. Furious at myself for even believing that this man could love me the way I love him and furious at him for treating me like I am not worthy of any value. I vowed that he would never fool me again only to hear "Well, if I felt a spark, I never would have lied to you about the other girl". I am back to square one and have nobody to blame but myself. Truth is though....when someone treats you like you are nothing, you start to feel that way and no matter how nice you are, no matter how kind you are to others, that feeling of worthlessness trumps it all. I have barely moved from the couch, slept 2 hours last night, and can barely see from the tears. I am tired and find myself thinking bad thoughts about self harm and hopelessness. How is it possible that one human being can make another feel so terrible?

Honestly, I know it sucks, but why are you even feeling terrible about this? Worst case scenario, I'd feel disgusted by his desperation for sex, and I'd just be happy that I told him off and didn't give him what he wanted. You're better off without him, and the fact that he made it clear he wanted you as a booty call just makes it easier to actually move on, IMHO.

[caligirl23]

If you're a model - Then the nice guys you're looking for are probably too intimidated by you to ask you out.

 

Fault lies with them though

 

 

Thank you for that. Maybe I will find myself a nice, nerdy kind of guy who I will pursue. Time to try something different. Besides, nerds really do have a better reputation when it comes to women. At least, that's what I have heard.

[caligirl23]

Honestly, I know it sucks, but why are you even feeling terrible about this? Worst case scenario, I'd feel disgusted by his desperation for sex, and I'd just be happy that I told him off and didn't give him what he wanted. You're better off without him, and the fact that he made it clear he wanted you as a booty call just makes it easier to actually move on, IMHO.

 

Well, I never really though of it that way, but you are so right! Desperation. That is exactly what it was. I definitely am better off without him and I am happy that I told him off. I needed to get that out and tell him what I really thought of him, which I didn't do before. I wish it was easier to walk away now knowing it was a booty call, but that is the part that bugs me. I am good enough for that, but not for anything else. What a jerk. "How dare you??" is what I said. Man, that felt amazing!! Now...once I get out of this funk, living well will be the best revenge. Thank you for your thoughts.

[CopingGal]

The most recent is a man who I have written about before on this blog. I stopped because readers were becoming cruel, telling me to get over it and stop whining about it etc.

 

I'm so sorry. I've been writing and writing and writing about my ex for a very long time. That what these forums are for. Sorry you met some insensitive people on here.

[CopingGal]

When people deceive and play games it can be incredibly painful. Believe me I know. My ex actually went looking for other women when he was with me and then made me her backup without me even knowing it because he was lying to me so much about why he couldn't see me. What he did to me traumatized me, esp. when he kept throwing her in my face and trying to force me to be his talking buddy so he could talk about her.

 

It traumatized me for a long time. I'm still healing. This was a man who said he loved me. And he did all that to me and a whole lot more. There are no words to really describe what he did to me and he had no remorse and was happy to do it. He told me stomping on my heart and making me physically sick because I was so upset was worth it to him...so, there you go. I'm still healing as I said. He went on his merry way with a wink and a smile and left my roommate to clean up the mess, which was me.

 

My ex is a very sick man...sick in the head. I'm at the point where I feel very, very sorry for him because he's so dysfunctional. I cry when I need to. I stay away from him. I never call him. I never email him. He doesn't deserve my time or my words. He can go and live his life and be as dysfunctional as he feels he needs to be. I will never grace his life again and it's his loss.

 

There is no stronger feeling of being unloved as when you stay connected with a man who treats you like crap. I learned that.

Edited September 30, 2012 by CopingGal

[Calico]

Thank you for that. Maybe I will find myself a nice, nerdy kind of guy who I will pursue. Time to try something different.

 

"Something different" would be befriending yourself, not switching the type of man to validate yourself through and base your worth on. (I mean this in a loving way.)

[hinatticus]

Try reading "the mindful path to self compassion" by christopher germer, my counselor suggested it to me and so far I think it's pretty good. it's helping me to live in the moment and take better care of myself. It actually does make me feel better after I read a few chapters;)

[caligirl23]

I'm so sorry. I've been writing and writing and writing about my ex for a very long time. That what these forums are for. Sorry you met some insensitive people on here.

 

I agree that forums like these are here for a reason- a way to get it out without burdening friends with the same story over and over. So far, everyone has been incredibly warm and considerate with this most recent issue on here and it really is appreciated more than you all know. I read your story down below and it makes me sick because while I don't know you, I don't need to. I don't think anyone deserves that and I aqm sorry that happened to you. Hearing the story of others is healing in a way because while I hate that another woman is hurting, having that feeling of "I am not alone" is what draws strength for so many. I hope that you continue to heal from what happened from you because that is traumatizing, but you seem very caring and wonderful and will hopefully find a man who appreciates you when you are ready.

[caligirl23]

Try reading "the mindful path to self compassion" by christopher germer, my counselor suggested it to me and so far I think it's pretty good. it's helping me to live in the moment and take better care of myself. It actually does make me feel better after I read a few chapters;)

 

I will try that too. So far, it has been suggested that I read "Act like a lady, think like a man", "Why men marry bitches", this book above, and another about emotions by Deepak Chopra. Quite a selection all across the board!

[caligirl23]

"Something different" would be befriending yourself, not switching the type of man to validate yourself through and base your worth on. (I mean this in a loving way.)

 

Haha! Thanks for smoothing it over I know what you're saying. I just meant that when I am ready, after I have done all of the work on myself (Hopefully not too much), perhaps getting away from the "typical" guy I go for might be worth some investigation.

[Fitnerd]

Haha! Thanks for smoothing it over I know what you're saying. I just meant that when I am ready, after I have done all of the work on myself (Hopefully not too much), perhaps getting away from the "typical" guy I go for might be worth some investigation.

I understand that you may want to change the type of guys you date but you say "nerd" like it's a weird/bad thing

 

I mean, I consider myself a nerd, I play video games, but my other hobby is working out (I read so much books on it and I LOVE it). But I am nicer to girls

It's not like the movies (gross, pimples, huge glasses, etc...)!

 

I'm sorry that you haven't had much luck with guys, but with the way you described yourself, I'm sure you'll find the right one

[CopingGal]

I agree that forums like these are here for a reason- a way to get it out without burdening friends with the same story over and over. So far, everyone has been incredibly warm and considerate with this most recent issue on here and it really is appreciated more than you all know. I read your story down below and it makes me sick because while I don't know you, I don't need to. I don't think anyone deserves that and I aqm sorry that happened to you. Hearing the story of others is healing in a way because while I hate that another woman is hurting, having that feeling of "I am not alone" is what draws strength for so many. I hope that you continue to heal from what happened from you because that is traumatizing, but you seem very caring and wonderful and will hopefully find a man who appreciates you when you are ready.

 

 

Thanks so much for your kind words. I really appreciate it. Sometimes when I feel down, I tell myself at least he didn't try to rape or kill me. Sometimes I go into the Abuse forum because I was psychologically abused. Some of the stories in there are absolutely horrific and it makes me realize it could have been worse.

 

I'm glad you have a doggy with you. You say your are isolated. Are you in Alaska? I had a dog many years ago. She was so sweet and she was so warm and soft. Sometimes it was like have a live teddy bear around.

[caligirl23]

I understand that you may want to change the type of guys you date but you say "nerd" like it's a weird/bad thing

 

I mean, I consider myself a nerd, I play video games, but my other hobby is working out (I read so much books on it and I LOVE it). But I am nicer to girls

It's not like the movies (gross, pimples, huge glasses, etc...)!

 

I'm sorry that you haven't had much luck with guys, but with the way you described yourself, I'm sure you'll find the right one

 

Hmmm....nerds to me are definitely not a bad thing. Perhaps the wording was off. I just mean the guys who have more intellect than brawn. No offense meant.

[caligirl23]

No, I didn't mention a dog. I wish I did have one, but with my job, I work too much to enjoy an animal. I have a hamster. Yes, 33 years old and a cuddly hamster is my pet. It is almost embarrassing to admit that! It's just nice to have a life in my house other than a plant after I come home from a 12 hour shift.

[Sameold]

This place if rife for heart-ache and we are all here to help.

 

I lost my everything, the girl I wanted to marry but slowly, slowly day by day I am trying to forget and let other things and other people in to my life to make me smile. Never stop doing this.

 

Remember, you are amazing, you are good looking and guys would be lucky to have you. Just don't look at any man too seriously at the moment and have fun. Who knows when the right person might just show up? Just make sure you put the effort in to be there in case they do.

[caligirl23]

This place if rife for heart-ache and we are all here to help.

 

I lost my everything, the girl I wanted to marry but slowly, slowly day by day I am trying to forget and let other things and other people in to my life to make me smile. Never stop doing this.

 

Remember, you are amazing, you are good looking and guys would be lucky to have you. Just don't look at any man too seriously at the moment and have fun. Who knows when the right person might just show up? Just make sure you put the effort in to be there in case they do.

 

 

Thank you so very, very much for taking the time out of yor day to wish good things upon a stranger. I appreciate it and I am sorry for your loss as well.