spareohs Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 I don't really know where else to vent this kind of LDR frustration stuff except here and you guys are always great about listening. Lately I have been so down and frustrated. It seems like we never get any time together, and I rarely feel like I am a priority in his life. I try really hard to cut him slack and to keep the nagging to a minimum. The last thing I want to do is make a big fuss about something trivial. Still, it gets hard when you just want to feel wanted. He's started a new job and works from about 2pm to 1 in the morning and has three day weekends. I work a 9 to 5, and go to school full time so there isn't much time to begin with. He also has a very active social life while I am more of a loner by choice. I don't expect him to spend every waking moment talking to me, but it's hard not to take it personally when I get a 30 minute FaceTime chat and then he goes out all night to a show and then spends all the following day at his friends. We do message throughout the day, but it's never anything of great significance, and I feel like I have to initiate most of the conversation. During the week I set my alarm so I can at least tell him goodnight when he gets home a few times. I bought him a MacBook so we could FaceTime after problems with Skype. He had a few rough months with transitioning with his new job so I sent him some money and send him care packages, etc. Honestly I try to go out of my way to show him he's important to me. Not because I have to, but because I WANT to. It's not like I need to see him every single day or something, it's just that I wish he was more observant. He doesn't know how much it would mean for him to take a day to spend with me, even just a few hours, but instead I feel mitigated and pushed aside for more fun and entertaining things. We've talked about it, and he always promises to do better, but I just truly think he's scatterbrained. I don't want to nag at him, or beg him to talk to me. I'm not going to be some crazy overly attached desperate girlfriend. The distance is harder for me than him, he's a good guy and wouldn't hurt me intentionally. Still, I feel like I'm not getting the attention I need and I'm not sure how to bring this up without it being the same old tired and annoying conversation. The last thing I want to do is be petty and give the cold shoulder or play some stupid mind games like a teenager, so advice, comments, and the like are more than welcome.This is all new still fairly new to me, I've always been happier having my space, I've never needed a huge commitment from any past relationships. This one is different though, and I actually care about where it's going and if Is screw it up. Please help me not feel less crazy.
justwhoiam Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 I'm afraid I can't help you on this. But you're a classic example & clear case of how women can go out of their way big time with men who are cool as they are and not moving a bit or a foot in either direction. I guess he won the lottery with you, for what I have read. So, what did he do for you? You seem too concerned about giving a wrong impression about yourself. And I would say: stop giving. Stop. He might notice the difference and want it back. Who knows. I know that's your way of loving, but worth a try. And the bottom line is an apple will never become a pear.
esstea Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 After reading your post I actually started to laugh and literally yelled "IS THIS ME??!" Hahaha I went through the EXACT same problem! Everything you said (minus the buying of a Macbook) I can 100% relate too. So don't worry, you're not alone. From my experiences, I literally had to make every mistake in the relationship book to know better. I knew I wasn't getting the attention I wanted, and I knew it wasn't his fault intentionally because my boyfriend was a good guy. He was just a "scatterbrain" like yours lets say. But anyways yes, I knew my neediness would catch up with me one day and it did. I honestly tried so hard to take myself out of the equation whenever I felt like he wasn't making an effort to initiate conversation and spend time to really talk to me, but I was a ticking time bomb. And every moment it happened, I grew bitter. And one day I just snapped and we got into a heated argument and broke up for a couple days because I couldn't deal with it anymore. Needless to say, the short lived breakup (2 days I think?) made me realize two things: 1. At the end of the day, you could either focus on what's keeping you together or what's tearing you apart. 2. I had to slightly detach myself emotionally from the relationship in order to regain my sanity. The adrift in our communication got to me bad, and I realized I can't change the way things are on his end because that's simply his life. If I want it to work, I have to make adjustments to MY end of the relationship. #2 probably isn't the greatest advice, it's honestly just my personal opinion. I still love him to death; by detaching myself, I meant more along the lines of gained a "don't give a f*ck" attitude. You seem to be more of an independent homebody type of person. My advice (and you'll hear this alot on LS), keep yourself busy. I feel like you're living his life and yours at the same time, when really you just need to focus on yours, and let him do his own thing. Also, re-read #1. It's all a mindset. Good luck. 1
justwhoiam Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 I guess I identified with some of the things described, not really the whole situation, which is quite different. But I had to ask him if he thought he was scatterbrained. His answer: More as I get older but not much. I don't know if it's reassuring because of the "not much" or alarming because of the "more as I get older". For now, I decided to go on autopilot mode and see what happens.
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