waterwoman Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 Can you be in a ltr or marriage with someone when you don't trust them? Just wondered. H had an affair. We are reconciling. Things are better. I already feel trust again. I don't feel the need to check his phone, ask where he is going, where he's been as I did in the first few months. I sometimes feel that I *should* feel the need to ask, as if I am being a fool by not doing so, asking for trouble. But at the same time I know I would go slowly crazy if I couldn't trust him on a day to day basis. Life would be impossble.
GLDheart Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Could you be with someone without trust?... sure. But, it won't be a very healthy relationship. So the real question then becomes: "Can you stay in an unhealthy realtionship?"
eleanorrigby Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 I don't know. I don't currently trust my husband as far as infidelity goes. I trust other things about him and am hoping that will be enough.
momcat5200 Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 It's a slow process. It's been over a year since I found out about my H's affair. He promptly cut all contact and deleted his email accounts he'd been using for contact. At first I continued to check his cell phone and also would go online to check the history. Finally, after about 6 months I decided I would just have to make that big jump of trusting him. It means I don't have to drive myself crazy any more. I figured if he does do something, it's his problem, and I'll probably find out eventually. Mean while, I'm so much happier not having to second-guess his every move.
Ninja'sHusband Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 One of the first things my mother said when I told her about everything that had happened: "Marriage is a trust thing, and when that trust is gone..." My therapist told me repeatedly that I'd drive myself crazy if I had to police my WW, she(my therapist) wouldn't want to live a life like that. Basically, you can weather it for a while and try to rebuild trust, but without it everything is going to eventually topple because you have a rotten foundation.
Author waterwoman Posted September 30, 2012 Author Posted September 30, 2012 "Finally, after about 6 months I decided I would just have to make that big jump of trusting him. It means I don't have to drive myself crazy any more" Exactly. It didn't take me so long which is what concerns me a little. Am I simply trusting him because I always did before the A and old habits die hard, or am I trusting him because he genuinely is trustworthy. That's the weirdest thing about this whole business - all my previous assumptions have been so challenged, all the things I took for granted were taken away, now I don't seem to trust my own judgement.
Spark1111 Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 AND, if you are having a bad day or a weak moment, TELL HIM! Tell him why. It is his job to reassure you. Don't stuff your feelings. Share them.
Feelin Frisky Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 (edited) Of course you CAN, but the conditions matter as to whether you should try to forgive and move forward or keep a grudge and either split or just live with the discomfort (something I couldn't do). My brother had an affair a few years ago. He was faithful for over 20 years but his wife is a nag that really needs to be on meds. Someone on his job--a very sexy woman he never thought would give him the time of day, well, gave him the time of day (and probably the time of his miserable life). Anyway, his wife snooped, caught him, made a scene, broke it up an my brother is back to being a doormat. I'm sure your circumstances are different. If you treat him well and he betrays you, he's not worth it. If you're a shrew and never give him any, then I'm, with him--although I chose not to marry rather than settle and he chose to settle rather than risk loneliness. (PS: I think picking her has turned out to be worse than loneliness--although they have two wonderful daughters.) Edited September 30, 2012 by Feelin Frisky
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