Heartache, I think it's over

[River Rain]

Hello Everyone,

 

I'm new here. I've been alone for a long time, but during the summer met a guy through a forum for lonely people. We bonded instantly and had a whirlwind email/text/video/phone romance. Lots of promises made. We live on either side of the country but planned to meet in December. It's been difficult for me, the long-distance, but I keep trying to remember that he's worth the wait, that "we" are worth the wait.

 

Two weeks ago, he stopped contact. I heard nothing for two days. But saw him posting on the forum (of course I'm still a member there). My defenses went up and I got angry, asking why he was suddenly ignoring me. Honest to goodness, we had NO issues and were getting along so well, texting throughout the days, calling each night and speaking for hours...the conversation always flowed and we were very intimate with our affectionate words. His reply was accusatory, saying I "must be someone who needs daily attention"...of course I wanted his attention, I love him and I told him that. Some nasty words were exchanged, so I broke up with him and we didn't speak for a week.

 

He wrote back one week ago, saying he was sad. I sent him a very heartfelt video, that apologized, told him how much I loved him, that I still wanted everything we'd planned, and I outlined what I would do to resolve conflict in the future. He said the video moved him and that "we" were too important to give up on. He also admitted that he set me up to expect a lot of contact and didn't mean to say what he said. All seemed hopeful and fine again.

 

In the last week, I got one text message saying "I know I need to call you, but I feel vulnerable and it scares me. Please be patient with me". You know, because I can't hear his voice or see his face, his mannerisms...I wasn't sure what to think of this.

 

Guys, girls, I'm in my 40's and due to an illness, have been alone for nearly 20 years. This is my first relationship since I was in my 20's and I took a huge risk with him because I'm genuinely terrified of getting hurt, what with being alone so long, it was me at my most vulnerable. I'm inexperienced.

 

I'm upset, thinking he doesn't want me anymore because of the lack of communication, but I just don't know. I had been sending him very tender and loving emails, sending him photos of me, and texts just to say I love you. My last contact with him was yesterday, I sent a voice recording to tell him that the silence is hurting me and that I thought we were back together, asked if he loved me still, asked him to figure things out within a reasonable time frame, and told him I loved him dearly. No response to that either. But now I'm discouraged and I stopped all contact.

 

Can anyone advise me? I'm sincerely lost here with a feeling of humiliation for getting my hopes up with him. I've been told men need time to process things, but is the silence fair? I'm certainly not suffocating him by asking him to call me over and over. I just asked once. I'm really devastated at this point. I feel like I should contact him to say that he has to take a risk and call me or else I can't wait indefinitely, but I don't want to give an ultimatum...yet I don't want to be a door mat. AAAACK! I almost think I'm better off in solitude for another 20 years, but that brings tears to my eyes because I'm so darn lonely.

 

Thank you for letting me bare my soul, advice will be greatly appreciated.

River

[mysteryscape]

sounds like he's having lots of trouble with feeling trapped, scared, etc. etc.

 

I suggest a book called "Make up don't break up" that you can get used on Amazon for peanuts. Except for the constant advice to "see other people" when the going gets rocky, I think it has a lot of good insight into how to deal with the pursuer-distancer dynamic.

[justwhoiam]

I got angry, asking why he was suddenly ignoring me.

You did what many women would do in this case, when he creates a disconnect. I guess I would have waited for him to get back to me and then drop the bomb. The more days he would ignore me, the bigger the bomb. Few would get away with it. Come on, you had plans together, serious talks, some kind of commitment. He can't just drop you like that and then come back whenever he feels like. Many men don't have a clue... what that would imply. It seems unreal, but they don't. Had he written a line to you, something like "I'm taking tonight to myself and I hope this won't affect our relationship. TTYT." The next day you would have asked why and he could have explained. Not a nice gesture, but people need time to themselves now and then. If you love him, you'll give him that. And more.

 

His reply was accusatory, saying I "must be someone who needs daily attention"...of course I wanted his attention, I love him and I told him that. Some nasty words were exchanged, so I broke up with him and we didn't speak for a week.

You did the right thing. He had a chance to make up and he acted like a jerk instead. Very common. But he's a man, and his logic is far from yours.

 

He wrote back one week ago, saying he was sad. I sent him a very heartfelt video, that apologized, told him how much I loved him, that I still wanted everything we'd planned, and I outlined what I would do to resolve conflict in the future. He said the video moved him and that "we" were too important to give up on. He also admitted that he set me up to expect a lot of contact and didn't mean to say what he said. All seemed hopeful and fine again.

IMO, you had nothing to apologize for. He tried though, at least. Be stronger next time. Yes, there will be a next time. Don't send videos, don't sound desperate. He must want to be with you for who you are, not to avoid seeing you desperate.

 

In the last week, I got one text message saying "I know I need to call you, but I feel vulnerable and it scares me. Please be patient with me".

He came to his senses. He knows what's wrong, he detected it and let you know. This is good. He's saying: "Don't give up on me, even if I'm having issues. I'm trying to overcome them." So be confident. He got very attached to you and for a man that's scary, because he's less in control of himself. He's worried you'll get advantage of that or that he will lose his capacities somehow. Silly stuff.

 

I'm in my 40's and due to an illness, have been alone for nearly 20 years.

What illness? Can you tell? I guess you told him about it? Is he having second thoughts because of it maybe?

 

I'm genuinely terrified of getting hurt

Almost everyone is. I'm around your age and I am too.

 

I had been sending him very tender and loving emails, sending him photos of me, and texts just to say I love you.

I know what it is like. I am more or less like that too, I mean I'm a giver and would expect him to be a giver too. Unmet expectations create a lot of tension, especially in the long run. It's very frustrating. But if it's love, things will start coming from him. You need a **LOT** of patience, going through hell and back. Are you ready for that? Fighting an illness is consuming on its own, but I'm also sure that because of that you are a strong person. So you can overcome anything. As long as you want it.

 

I sent a voice recording to tell him that the silence is hurting me and that I thought we were back together, asked if he loved me still, asked him to figure things out within a reasonable time frame, and told him I loved him dearly. No response to that either. But now I'm discouraged and I stopped all contact.

Yeah, you shouldn't have sent any email. I know it's hard. Just let him know that you can be strong enough and overcome anything as long as he's by your side. If you're left alone on anything this early into the relationship, he's just gonna lose you. Make that clear once for all, so that there are no misunderstandings or hard feelings. His needs are as important as yours. He needs to weigh his decisions carefully.

 

I feel like I should contact him to say that he has to take a risk and call me or else I can't wait indefinitely, but I don't want to give an ultimatum...yet I don't want to be a door mat.

Don't. Don't write to him at all. This time alone will be useful to be prepared for when he's back. Don't attack him ever, try to be calm. But, even if it ends up with a breakup, it doesn't mean you'll be alone forever. There'll be other people entering your life, and hopefully better.

[River Rain]

JustwhoIam...that was such a considerate response!!! Thank you so much. Wow...I'm touched.

 

My illness was depression. Yes, he knows about it, and I'm 99.999999% of the time fine and can manage it. I'd love to say I've recovered from depression, but you can't really recover from it, just manage it. So I manage it.

 

Your response really helped me because I feel as though I'm emotionally immature sometimes due to not having any relationships for so long. I just sent him an email, very short but sweet to tell him I'm not going to contact him anymore...I used some of your ideas (and words!!) in the email, and I actually feel so much better right now. It's up to him, but I'm not going to sit at home and cry like I have been doing.

 

If things don't work out, at least I know I'm a good person with a big heart and I know that there is a man out there who will want that too.

 

Thanks again, sincerely, thanks.

River

[justwhoiam]

You're welcome.

I actually feel so much better right now. It's up to him, but I'm not going to sit at home and cry like I have been doing

This is good, RR. You must be proud of yourself.

 

I know that there is a man out there who will want that too.

This is it. Have a positive attitude. If it goes wrong with this man, look around you first, before engaging in a LDR.

 

I'm happy for you.

[River Rain]

I guess that was all easier said than done. I am still glad that I stood up for myself and stated what I wanted, but I feel empty without hearing from him. I will still try to keep busy, but the crying won't stop, nor will that cold tight feeling running from my chest to my gut. He said I was his soul mate. Sigh.

[justwhoiam]

He said I was his soul mate. Sigh.

When? Are you talking about the past or today?

[River Rain]

Just a week ago, so I suppose that's the past.