missykay Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 hello alll I've never really had a need to post to one of these forums but am just so lost right now that I need any assistance I can get. I've been with my man for just over a year. we had been friends for longer than this and we grew our friendship into suddenly love one day... which was amazing and felt so right. We've had our stresses right from the start, would we work as lovers after being friends? dramas wondering if we were doing the right thing? WE stupidly had unprotected sex before he got tested which was a big stress and waiting for stupid text results. Anyway we seem to always fight. About nothing in particular i guess. Hes 10 years older than me (i'm 32) we dont live together but I guess we both planned that we'd be together in the future. We love each other a lot but we've always had a problem connecting sexually which has caused us great grief.. ie: i want it more than him, he has issues finishing... and wont look into it. So we have that strained problem which is always there. I've had anxiety and depression for the last 10 years which is manageable sometimes, and sometimes not... hes known this as he's been my friend and lover now for quite sometime. I broke it off with him about 3 months ago because it got too much for me. I was going insane with not feeling affection from him due to lack of sex and felt he didnt care about me...it got to breaking point and we separated for a total of 2 weeks. We were both miserable. He didnt want to lose me, I didnt want to lose him.... it wasnt about just missing the company or missing the that perosn in your life... i just completely and utterly wanted my lovely man who seemed my match back in my world... We got back together and the sex was great, we were happy and so glad to be back with each other.... we were both happy and wanted to do our best to be with each other and make each other happy. This didnt last long.... i did my best to make things work. I went back on medication to try and be more relaxed about things so I wouldnt be that 'insane' girlfriend that overreacts to everything... I hate meds but i felt I had to otherwise I would push him away. 2 months down the line I couldnt deal with the meds and went off them We celebrated our 1 year anniversary a few weeks ago, which was great... but the tension was still there. We would spend only 1 or 2 nights a week at each others houses... even though he lives less than 1 km from me... this has frustrated me greatly... i want to be that couple that spends more than 2 nights sleeping over.... i feel like this could hve been one way to keep our sex life in tact... I feel like i am demanding of him, he does not seem to want to be the one to look after me if I am feeling sick, is not clear about what he is up to in the evenings and I seem to always be the one making the phone calls and going to him.... recently he's been really impolite and is disrespecful towards me (could be me over reacting again... maybe i just need to chillax?) I know I am painting a bad picture but I know he loves me and cares for me... I am sure I'm not the most awesome girlfriend to him sometimes either... and drive him nuts... but anyway It got to breaking point again today, I've tried to do different things with him sexually,tried to be more understanding but its just not right. He cant even shower with me or organise a weekend away. Saying this, we are good together when its good. We are both nerds and love computers, riding our bikes etc..we laugh and have wonderful hugs and kisses and love going out for dinners etc. The breaking point today was that he said he could never make me happy and felt he was always doing something wrong. I felt like nothing had changed since we broke up last time. I love this man and he and I can both see us being together in the future.. but am scared he has no empathy or me or has any desire to look after me and be the man I want.... I want him to say things like 'message me to let me know you get home safe' I want him to come over and be with me after i've had a migraine for 2 days... but he said he was too tired to come over. So anyway he said he'd had enough today... we tried talking about it.. again which he hates... he said that its... its over.. even though he loves me and things I am wonderful.. etc My heart seems to be coping right now i guess... but my brain thinks no... its not over... There is no questions of him cheating on me, but he does have a lot of family stress in his life right now and I'm sure my needs do to not help that. We are both very similar on so many levels...and get on well intellectually.. but we are both very much 'wired' people... The first time I met him I knew we had something, and i feel like we should be fighting for this,,, for our relationship,,, for us... but how much agony do we keep having to go through. I have no idea what kind of picture I have painted here or our relationship... but how much fighting should you be doing to be with someone... I recently found out theres a good chance I may not be able to have kids... i told him this week and its been a great concern of mine, he seemed to think it wasnt a big deal... we would cross that path when and if we ever wanted to have kids.... but i dont think he saw how much the test result meant to me... and didnt even seem to worry if i was ok after we departed ways that night. I am not sure what I want people to tell me... but I guess i want someone to say... you are both stressed out and you need to go back to the start and get to know each other.... spend more quality time together.... I dont know... Sorry for the huge rant... hopefully someone can give me some insight that I need.... thank you:confused:
Author missykay Posted September 29, 2012 Author Posted September 29, 2012 anyone? pleaze? its the next mornig :(0
Author missykay Posted September 30, 2012 Author Posted September 30, 2012 I am still really confused by this relationship. part of me thinks that its not for the best... but the other half knows how much we both care about each other. I messaged him tis afternoon saying I wish it didnt have to be this way and how sorry i was for everything. i guess thats it now.... he has not replied and i know I need to give him space right?? the more and more I talk about it with friends the more it makes me think that its best we're not together.. but i dont want it to be over with him... I just want it to work with him. I know my post was long and ranty but I am hoping that someone at least could give me their perspective... please? Thank you
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