Online women take a defensive stance?

[irc333]

Things I've noticed with women, and online dating. They seem to be afraid to admit they've resulted in using online dating or matchmaking sites to meet men.

Or they play it down, to make it sound like they're not desperate

 

I was reading this profile, read quite a few that would start off.

 

"I'm not looking for a relationship, but I would be open to one if it went in that direction"

 

Hm, that's just a long version saying "I am looking for a man." Which she is, right?

 

Also, "My friends put me up to this!"

 

or I've even seen friends write their profiles FOR them, even to the point where the friend is being their own screener....even though their single friend is watching them over their shoulder, and dictacting.

 

What's the big deal? Why the nervousness when it comes to admitting that you're looking for a guy?

[MilitantPacifist]

lol. Your post made me realize I'm guilty of this myself. I did mention on my profile that I was "just taking a look because apparently everyone I know on Facebook is doing it." So apparently men are not immune to blaming it on our friends either.

 

I think basically it boils down to the stigma that used to be attached to Internet usage in the late 90's/early 2000's.

 

"Everyone on the Internet is a pedophile or a loser!"

 

The stigma's more or less gone, but the attitude remains that if you're using online dating, you're a loser. Despite the fact that it's now probably the primary method most people use for dating.

[oldshirt]

do your own experiment to answer your own question. Put up a fake female profile on a dating and watch the creepy/weirdo/crude/clueless/desparate messages roll in one after another.

 

Put up a female profile with a picture of a normal looking, or heck even an unattractive female and write out a tame and standoffish profile and within seconds of posting it there will be weirdo creepers asking if you "ride bareback" and asking if you do anal or swallow and if you have any girlfriends that will do 3-ways etc.

 

The reason women are defensive and downplay their participation in online dating is because of all the clueless, pathetic, creeper men and lurk around OLD sites.

 

Sure there are a few decent guys online but for a woman to admit that she is online, she is basically admitting that she is wading through all the crap to find the needle in the haystack.

[lilyblue]

I'm assuming since you're a guy you don't look at male profiles. They are exactly the same. "I don't know why I'm doing this", "I can't believe I'm doing this", etc, etc.

 

I agree with you. If someone is reading these peoples' profiles, they are on the site for the same reason. They don't need to make it try to sound like this is the craziest thing they've ever done and they don't even think it's going to work, blah, blah.

[carhill]

That's the internet version of cocking the head and batting the eyelashes. 'Oh, honey, I can't believe I'm here'.

 

Since you're posting about it, evidently it's worked to get your attention. Otherwise, those profiles would have sunk into the nether of the forgotten. Not too different from real life.

 

How about posting up some profiles you really enjoy and feel positive about and discuss those?

[irc333]

The reason women are defensive and downplay their participation in online dating is because of all the clueless, pathetic, creeper men and lurk around OLD sites.

 

Funny you mention that, the one woman in question said all this in her dating profile on POF, then mentioned in her

 

"First Date" section:

 

"I'm not looking for any 1 on 1 in person meetings through this site, because I'm not looking for anything right now, so if you would, I tend to go to POF parties sometimes, and if you'd like to meet me at a POF gathering, just show up to one of those..., if something comes of it, great."

 

Then she mentions a particular POF event that's coming up that she plans on attending.

 

Not sure why she's going this route though, but that's a rather non-traditional way of going about it I suppose.

[irc333]

That's the internet version of cocking the head and batting the eyelashes. 'Oh, honey, I can't believe I'm here'.

 

Since you're posting about it, evidently it's worked to get your attention. Otherwise, those profiles would have sunk into the nether of the forgotten. Not too different from real life.

 

How about posting up some profiles you really enjoy and feel positive about and discuss those?

 

Well, they're usually just canned profiles, pretty discussing the things that most people want in a relationship. I guess you could say they're more neutral than positive.

[oldshirt]

Funny you mention that, the one woman in question said all this in her dating profile on POF, then mentioned in her

 

"First Date" section:

 

"I'm not looking for any 1 on 1 in person meetings through this site, because I'm not looking for anything right now, so if you would, I tend to go to POF parties sometimes, and if you'd like to meet me at a POF gathering, just show up to one of those..., if something comes of it, great."

 

Then she mentions a particular POF event that's coming up that she plans on attending.

 

Not sure why she's going this route though, but that's a rather non-traditional way of going about it I suppose.

 

 

Actually she has the right idea and that is a good way to approach it. I encourage you to attend any public meet and greets too. In fact I'd say she is on the money and if she is telling you which event she is going to, I'd highly encourage you to go and to try to meet her.

 

Here's why -

 

Those events are often held in a public place and with some level of supervision. That right there eliminates a lot of the creepers, ax-murderers, dreamers, wannabes and the people that just like to lurk the internet and mess with people for their own amuzement. The people that actually take the time and effort to get out and meet people in person are serious about getting out and meeting people in person....duh!

 

Also, you will know more about a person and know how well you click with them in 5 minutes of face to face conversation than you will in weeks worth of online chatting.

 

Also, when you go to a meet/greet there will be a variety of people there. You can meet a number of people at one time and at one place. if you don't hit it off with one person you move on to the next. Even if you hit it off with several people you can take #s or emails and talk with them more later. The advantages of that over meeting one person over coffee or something are many. If that person turns out to be a complete dud you can just say it was nice to meet you and walk away, you aren't stuck with them for any period of time.

 

Another huge advantage of meet/greets is you are interacting with real live flesh and blood humans in the real physical world and not just chasing your tail trying to hook up with phantoms in cyber-space. In a meet and greet you are actually learning and developing social skills and your chances of an actual relationship developing in the real world are a million times higher than a real relationship crossing over from the cyber world into the physical world.

 

If someone is standing in front of you, they actually exist and if she went through the trouble of showing up that means she is actually there and isn't a no-show.

 

And since meet-ups are arrainged in public places with supervision, they are a million times more safer for women to actually show up vs meeting some stranger alone somewhere and so they are more likely to actually show up and not be as defensive and guarded as she would be if she was meeting someone alone and with her guard not up as high she would be a little more open and sociable.

 

So I say this gal you are talking about was on the money and her telling you what event she is going to is a positive sign and one that you should take her up on. Now keep in mind this is no where near a sure thing. There will be a lot more dudes there than women and she will have likely invited several other guys to meet her there as well but that is ok. The point to the whole thing is to meet real flesh and blood people in the real world and not be spending your time chasing internet phantoms online.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Things I've noticed with women, and online dating. They seem to be afraid to admit they've resulted in using online dating or matchmaking sites to meet men.

Or they play it down, to make it sound like they're not desperate

 

I was reading this profile, read quite a few that would start off.

 

"I'm not looking for a relationship, but I would be open to one if it went in that direction"

 

When I was OLD, I don't remember putting that on my profile, but it was the truth.

 

I did not feel that I'd "resorted" to online dating. I was fine with it, in fact, I was grateful it existed. It was a good resource for me. My lifestyle was such that it was pretty unlikely that I'd meet more than a very small handful of possibly appropriate men for me to date.

 

And, I was NOT looking for a relationship. I wanted to test the waters about dating after the end of a long marriage. It was an experiment.

 

It turned out that I met a man and married him via online dating. I also met some very nice guys whom I dated, as well as some really major creeps.

[Shaun-Dro]

Well, they're usually just canned profiles, pretty discussing the things that most people want in a relationship. I guess you could say they're more neutral than positive.

 

I still don't see the logic in using online dating at all. It's more easy to make up lies over the internet and tell it with a straight face. Not to mention all the fake photos being tossed around, showing how the person used to look and the actual reality of meeting that person becomes further removed.

 

I will always stand by the belief that online dating is false-reality-turn-fantasy and whoever participates in it deserves what ever they get, because if these people can't be bothered with meeting someone face-to-face in a real life venue, then they shouldn't be rewarded properly for that effort.

[irc333]

So I say this gal you are talking about was on the money and her telling you what event she is going to is a positive sign and one that you should take her up on. Now keep in mind this is no where near a sure thing. There will be a lot more dudes there than women and she will have likely invited several other guys to meet her there as well but that is ok. The point to the whole thing is to meet real flesh and blood people in the real world and not be spending your time chasing internet phantoms online.

 

Good points, though when I've been to regular meet and greets, I've seen men swarm the best looking woman of the group, making the lady feel uncomfortable.

[FitChick]

Men do the same. One guy who had a school photo of himself at about age six claimed that his friend had written his profile. Hmmm, how would the friend have gotten a hold of that photo, I wonder...

[jcrew11]

do your own experiment to answer your own question. Put up a fake female profile on a dating and watch the creepy/weirdo/crude/clueless/desparate messages roll in one after another.

 

Put up a female profile with a picture of a normal looking, or heck even an unattractive female and write out a tame and standoffish profile and within seconds of posting it there will be weirdo creepers asking if you "ride bareback" and asking if you do anal or swallow and if you have any girlfriends that will do 3-ways etc.

 

The reason women are defensive and downplay their participation in online dating is because of all the clueless, pathetic, creeper men and lurk around OLD sites.

 

Sure there are a few decent guys online but for a woman to admit that she is online, she is basically admitting that she is wading through all the crap to find the needle in the haystack.

 

As silly as it sounds to men, a girl actually told me that women "dream of the fantasies of meeting men like in romantic comedies" and not like a piece of meat in a sketchy dating site with rapists and freaks. Single women want the "meet cute" like in films, where its love at first site in some random store. They don't want the headaches, crazy people, and time committment for online dating. For women, online dating is a huge time commitment because they are flooded with hundreds of messages, and usually respond to only one if any at all.

[truth_seeker]

Things I've noticed with women, and online dating. They seem to be afraid to admit they've resulted in using online dating or matchmaking sites to meet men.

Or they play it down, to make it sound like they're not desperate

 

What's the big deal? Why the nervousness when it comes to admitting that you're looking for a guy?

 

1. They are embarrassed that they have to resort to online dating to meet a guy.

 

2. They do not want the perception of them being: IRL no man gives them attention or shows interest in them, so they go online hoping some men will.

 

3. They're afraid they will come off as a loser.

[irc333]

As silly as it sounds to men, a girl actually told me that women "dream of the fantasies of meeting men like in romantic comedies" .

 

Funny, there's this woman, right in my local area....over 40 divorcee'. Very attractive woman. Probably has been on and off the same dating sites for the past few years.

 

I noticed a part of her profile saying, "I want to meet a man like in the movies...."

 

Woman over 40 starts off a paragraph with that, you know she's got issues.

[irc333]

Just spotted another "on and off" regular of POF that tried to rationalize her being on the site, and just decided to throw dating to the wind, and just "meet people without expectations and making new friends", but probably ignoring their emails regardless. She has a "posed" post-work-out photo of herself in the gym mirror, major narcissist

[phineas]

I've learned to just ignore the "about me" section of what's in a woman's profile and just look at her stats.

If I like her picture & she doesn't sound like a loser with a crummy job i'll message her.

 

 

Honestly, the majority bitch & moan about:

 

Players

jerks

losers

guys looking for one-night stands.

 

Well, what that tells me is she's been pumped & dumped on the first date by guys with no jobs who live in their parents basement.

 

So, he must of been really good looking.

 

I message everyone who I find attractive & if they find me attractive they respond.

 

I've gotten better. I'm getting women to respond & want to chat online but after 30 mins of chatting or a dozen messages back & forth in a 24 hr period they disappear when I try to number close. oh well.

[hestheone66]

Hello

 

I've been on and off an online dating site for the past 4 years.

 

My profile and stats have always been honest... i tell the men that contact me that any thoughtful message will result in a thoughtful reply in return, even if it is to say, i'm sorry but i'm not interested, and will say why.

 

It has served several functions. 1) after enduring a very verbally and emotionally abusive relationship, it let me see that not all men were monsters and gave me confidence

2) as a single mom with 'needs' it allowed me to make informed judgements about who i may like to share an evening

3) after a year and a half of sporadic meetings with men who were gentlemanly and respectful, and usually good lovers to boot.. with interesting lives and the ablity to converse as well as f**K. i was able to know the sort of man I was actually looking to develop into a relationship. At that point I changed my status from looking for something NSA and casual to 'open to developing a rel'ship"

4) chatting with many men online about their relationships, what they like, etc gave me more insight into men and also myself. without the immedicate pressure of 'putting out' or stringing someone along in regular dating, it is more reflective

5. happy to announce that my 'perfect guy' has been in the picture via the same site, we are very compatible and we took the time to 'chat and email' intensively before meeting which helps. Initially I was only thinking it would be a FWB but it's been exclusive since our first date where we did sleep together about 9 months ago. I couldn't be happier with what I found online.

I know I'm not a loser, and I know he's not a loser, and neither were 98% of the men I have chatted to.

[soccerrprp]

i've had all but one date from OLD. Very nice ladies, but not the typical you would find. Using OLD is convenient and not much different from face to face dating. You meet someone online, chat a while, meet somewhere public and go from there. you don't know them at all, but you don't know the guy/girl you meet at a bar, or elsewhere either.

 

i've resorted to spending a little more time reading the profiles of women to figure out what they are "really" saying. and it's pretty amazing and predictable to figure out how their use of language directly relates to cues to what it is that they are truly looking for. I live in the dallas area and women here are predictably materialistic and shallow despite what their profiles say.

 

anyway, interesting to read profiles. i get some dates too, but the best ones have been with women who moved to Dallas and not from Dallas.

 

Yeah, most seem to feel a little self-conscious about going on OLD, but, again, it's convenient and many don't have the time nor the inclination to go out to find someone.

[january2011]

Like Mme. Chaucer, when I was on OLD, I was also testing the waters. And I didn't say anything about "resorting" to online dating sites on my profile. To be honest, I think it's a little passe to use that line in a profile. Why refer to it at all? It's a bit negative, in my opinion, and the last thing you want to do is come across as a negative person in your profile.

 

For me, OLD just seemed like another channel to explore, with the potential to meet people. Privately, I might have questioned whether or not it seemed desperate. However, having done it, I don't think so.

 

I met my SO on OLD. And I've also done a number of meetups over the last few years. I'm a lot more open to meeting online people offline, especially in groups. However, I wouldn't necessarily do it for every site I'm a member of.

[Anela]

I've learned to just ignore the "about me" section of what's in a woman's profile and just look at her stats.

If I like her picture & she doesn't sound like a loser with a crummy job i'll message her.

 

 

Honestly, the majority bitch & moan about:

 

Players

jerks

losers

guys looking for one-night stands.

 

Well, what that tells me is she's been pumped & dumped on the first date by guys with no jobs who live in their parents basement.

 

So, he must of been really good looking.

 

I message everyone who I find attractive & if they find me attractive they respond.

 

I've gotten better. I'm getting women to respond & want to chat online but after 30 mins of chatting or a dozen messages back & forth in a 24 hr period they disappear when I try to number close. oh well.

 

I've had references to those in my profile before, but I haven't been pumped and dumped. I've just attracted them, for one reason or another. I don't think it's that hard to attract them, I just feel like they make a beeline for me at times, and I'm sick of it.

[Anela]

When I signed up originally, in early 2006, I was just taking a test that others were taking at a site I'm a member of. I shared my results, and that was that.

When I took another type of test, I can't remember where, it turned out that signed me up for OKcupid, as well - so I had two nicknames on there for a while, both accounts unused for several years.

 

I remembered the first one january of last year, logged in, responded to a few messages, uploaded a photo, and just decided to see what happened. I was just curious as to who was out there, but I ended up feeling too much of a mess to meet anyone. Now I'm just looking for friends, because I would like more friends here. Most of mine are scattered all over the place. So I'm not lying when I say that.

[todreaminblue]

Things I've noticed with women, and online dating. They seem to be afraid to admit they've resulted in using online dating or matchmaking sites to meet men.

Or they play it down, to make it sound like they're not desperate

 

I was reading this profile, read quite a few that would start off.

 

"I'm not looking for a relationship, but I would be open to one if it went in that direction"

 

Hm, that's just a long version saying "I am looking for a man." Which she is, right?

 

Also, "My friends put me up to this!"

 

or I've even seen friends write their profiles FOR them, even to the point where the friend is being their own screener....even though their single friend is watching them over their shoulder, and dictacting.

 

What's the big deal? Why the nervousness when it comes to admitting that you're looking for a guy?

 

 

Some women actually mean what they say....no expectations equals no desperation....they don't want guys to think they are going to attach a ball and chain to his leg over coffee so they write exactly what they mean...but lol in a female way.......still means the same though.......it could also mean that she takes it one day at a time that she wants to get to know someoen before she has a relationship as far as pressure goes.....from family and friends who say come on come on just do it just do it.......it happens...how do you know they are dictating you got a web cam there i don't know about should i be worried.....crap are you looking at me....ahhhh similar to joys of online dating...... what to write, what not to write, what to plug in what not to plug in, what not to open in your email.......i wonder why females write what they do???? Because no one truly knows anything about one another until you meet face to face, who knows who does what with photos out there,puts them in their bathroom on the ceiling for all i know......do men do that.......haven't a clue...seen a few photos on the back of bathroom doors though should have removed them before they dated me..deb

[jcrew11]

 

Funny, there's this woman, right in my local area....over 40 divorcee'. Very attractive woman. Probably has been on and off the same dating sites for the past few years.

 

I noticed a part of her profile saying, "I want to meet a man like in the movies...."

 

Woman over 40 starts off a paragraph with that, you know she's got issues.

 

I don't think she has "issues" its just that a lot of recent divorcees have never had much dating experience, they were the hot young girl that married the alpha males that hit on her, so it was much easier for young hot women to have men coming up to her. Older people don't like computers, and view computers as nerdy and untrustworthy. There are too many creepy men online that outnumber the quality men.

 

If you want to meet women, just join a yoga class.

 

If you want women to take you seriously in online dating, differentiate yourself from the other men by "seeking marriage only" because it shows you aren't a cheating player, and a responsible and moral guy.