suotto Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 Hi everyone. I am a boy, 28 and I need your helP..as I am in a world of trouble. I decided to break up with my long distance gf (now 31) in the past few days.Yesterday afternoon, she understood i am not gonna reconsider, she said goodbye, after a long call and chat. But it was not ok, breaking up like this, with a chat.So i wrote her after few hours that i feel sorry, that i still have a feeling but i dont kno if it's love. That 4 years cant finish like that. So i said I need time. And she shoudl take time too to think. Probably what I want is that she understand as well that "we are going nowhere". I told her I want to break up for the good of the both of us.Because "we are going nowhere", there cannot be a happy future for us. And i think i dont love her anymore. She says she was just waiting for me to be ready to marry her..that I am the man of her life. And i ansered that nothing is gonna change if married, that we had our chances but everything failed. I try to be as synthetic as possible, in order for u to understand the situation. I am writing here because it's hard to make this decision and I need support from people that "walked in the same shoes"..or similar. I am italian, she is japanese. Here's our timeline mar 2008: met in australia during working holiday visa, stayed always together heavenly until.. jun 2009: her visa finish , she goes back to jap. (i went visiting her in septembre, just for a month) mar 2010, my visa finish, i come back to italy. She comes as well. Just for a few time on holiday aug 2010. She comes to italy .During this time she was reclusive at home when i was at work. I proposed to pay for language school , but she did not want, saying it was useless as she think she is too stupid and too old to learn, Also she missed her country a lot, saying here nothing is convenient.My friends (english speaking) always wanted to take her out, but she was not too outgoing so she almost never went. During this times we had many fights, involving crying and threatening to leave.Both of us were unhappy. nov 2010 we go 4 months travelling in asia during my time off from work. Fights were present as well, but it was overall a good time. mar 2011 We go back to italy. Situation is same as before... she decided she cannot stay there. Raising problems like "if i have a child here..i can't do anything alone". Also, she was worried her parents in japan when old would need her. Her "can't do" attitude together with the same issues as before, made me think the only way to stay together is me going to japan. jun 2011 Tourist visa expires, she goes back to Japan and get a new job , which she likes. aug 2011 I go visit her for just couple of weeks. jan 2012 I go to japan to study japanese in a school, we rent a small flat together. I was happy about my progress with the language, but then i started to realize that to memorize the kanji alphabet was way too long and difficult. Living together was not so pleasant. Fights were very frequent, almost on a daily basis, involving me punching thing because there was no way for me to make myself understand, her not wanting to reach compromises... and these fights were most of the times for small things! A few times we threatned to pack and leave. Also, during this time there, I realised i dont like that place, the culture. mar 2012 I go back to my country.. since then i met her only 10 days, when she came here on holiday. That was a good time, but I felt the "feeling" was not the same. This is what i have been speaking about to her..during all this time together: reasons why i should not go to japan 1)we have to rent house because i cannot stay in the big house with her.(even if i could.i wouldn't for obvious reasons. 2)i must study for how many years in order to learn how to READ? ok hiragana and katakana..i know 'em.. but KANJI? I should spend all my savings for expensive school ..transport..for how many years (i spent 6000 euros to stay there and study for 2,5 months) 3) Job situation is not easy for a gaijin without bachelor degree and no JLPT. If i could get a job, it would be in restaurants, bars. SO working in the night..and she works in the day. So we are never going to meet anymore! 4) It does not seem people is too open with foreigners... 5) I honestly don't like japan! at all. reasons why it's better for her to come here: 1)i own a nice apartment 2)i have a good job 3)people is more open here and everything is nicer and "less stressing" 4)my family is waaaaay more open and she can communicate with them 5)if she would study italian( and she does not have to learn an alphabet, unlike me!) she could find a job for sure. 6)manual driving licence is not impossible to get. But these things..she did not do during her time her. What makes her believe that if married she is gonna do 'em???? These are the problems: -not sure about my feelings right now (love or compassion+guilt?) -problems of communication..language and cultural barrier, which was not the case when we were in australia together. Since she came back to japan, she started to slowly change and become more "strict". -both of us always want to be right (especially her... for the small things. I am pretty easy going for this) -many fights when we were living together even turned "almost" to violence. Sometimes packing luggage to leave. - No kissing, No feeling like to do sex in the past 2 years or so. For her it's not a problem, as she things it's a normal step in a relatioship, as it's the fighting. - In the past couple of months..the emailing and skype was happening even every 3/4 days.Honestly, for me there was nothing to say anymore...it's like the relationship is on a "stalemate", where nobody of us is making any move. We have stopped talking about "what to do" "where do we go", for our future. For her it's ok, as she is just waiting for me to ask to marry her, AND FROM THERE she says everything is gonna magically change and turn to be OK (so is she gonna decide to LIKE my place,be more outgoing, learn the language, get driving licence, forget about comparing everything with her country???) Actually every married man i met when studying in japan , said that japanese women become real beetches after married, that there is NO WAY to win with them..u have to be completely under their control (but u can come home drunk or go to hostess bar.. of course.. this is Japanese culture so it's fine! ). I know my writing is very messy..but please..if there is something u guys not understand, please ask. I feel very bad right now. I just wish I could CUT this relationship..but I cannot! I was left, and it was painful.But nothing compared to this.
Hawaii50 Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 first and only question.. "I'm a boy, 28." WTF?!
Author suotto Posted September 29, 2012 Author Posted September 29, 2012 first and only question.. "I'm a boy, 28." WTF?! ok. "I'm a male, 28" Better now?
HeavenOrHell Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 Not a helpful reply at all, why did you even bother?! Also, try and be aware that many people in the LDR section may not have English as their first language. first and only question.. "I'm a boy, 28." WTF?! 1
justwhoiam Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 Relax. You did the right thing. Don't feel bad about breaking up with her. You were flexible, she's just uncomfortable in a dress that's too tight for her. She clearly admitted it, but then of course she doesn't want to lose you. So she's pushing for commitment from you. Don't fall into the trap of promising this and that out of love, when you already know it's not feasible. That's when you'd end up feeling guilty. By the way, no sex for two years? I don't understand. You were spending 2 months together in a row and you were not being intimate? How come? What's the deal there? Is she cold? You'd get a better deal with some hot Italian woman...
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