Truth time... stronger resolve. Getting rid of a psychopath.

[Adamgem]

There are lots of ways to avoid getting into a fight with a psycho. I don't think you're really interested in knowing them, though, because it's much easier to let some other person take the fall. And to convince yourself that said person is so used to it that it doesn't matter to her anymore.

 

If you choose to go that route, fine. But just remember that you screwed someone else over to make things better for yourself. If you can live with that, then...I don't know. Good for you, I guess.

 

Ok then. What would you suggest? I am stuck in a vulnerable situation. I must meet him today otherwise he WILL hunt me down. It does not matter that I move country. He would find me. If I leave his business affairs in a mess - he will do this. That part is certain. There are no options here.

 

To keep him from directing his rage towards me - what do you suggest I do? I do not want his ex involved in any shape or form but I know he will bring it up and I know he must blame somebody. Tell me what options I have. Please. Do you seriously think I would want anybody to harm another person? Really?

[CC12]

Ok then. What would you suggest? I am stuck in a vulnerable situation. I must meet him today otherwise he WILL hunt me down. It does not matter that I move country. He would find me. If I leave his business affairs in a mess - he will do this. That part is certain. There are no options here.

 

Like I said before, meet him in a public place like a coffee shop or restaurant. If you need to go to the office to tidy up business affairs, then hire a cab to take you there so that someone is waiting outside for you. If that wouldn't work, be creative and come up with something else. A temporary restraining order and a police escort? Setting up the other girl can not be your only option. Think harder.

 

Do you seriously think I would want anybody to harm another person? Really?

 

Yes, it appeared that way.

[Adamgem]

Like I said before, meet him in a public place like a coffee shop or restaurant. If you need to go to the office to tidy up business affairs, then hire a cab to take you there so that someone is waiting outside for you. If that wouldn't work, be creative and come up with something else. A temporary restraining order and a police escort? Setting up the other girl can not be your only option. Think harder.

 

Yes, you said all of that before. None of it can work. The office is right beside the house. I use his car. A restraing order for what??? The police would laugh.

 

You do not know my situation. He will not beat her up. He does what suits him. He knows that will not get him what he wants. When he did this before she had stollen a very large amount of money from him. She denied it. Other people were there. Later she admitted it to me. He had tried every option. I just do not know how he will behave in this situation. I want to be prepared for every senario. What you suggest would cause him to rage like never before. I know this much about him. You probably mean very well and for that I thank you but it is not really helpful in this particular situation. I do appreciate your input.

 

 

 

Yes, it appeared that way.

No. That is not at all in my nature. She told me that she knew he would be angry with her for telling me the things she told me but she was going to do it anyway - because she did not care. What he does to her - I am not responsible. I am not going to lie to protect her. I would rather not talk about her at all. I feel sorry for her. I do not want him directing his frustrations at me either. Yes, a bad situation.

[MilitantPacifist]

Look, I understand that you're in a vulnerable position right now, but throwing that other girl under the bus to save your own ass would be really wrong.

 

^This

 

I find it unconscionable that you'd even consider risking getting someone else beaten (possibly killed because beatings don't always stop while the woman is still breathing) by trying to pin the blame on them.

 

The fact that you're even considering this is clear evidence that you aren't thinking rationally right now. I know this is an emotional time but try to calm down and think things through, don't react to things based on your feelings, *act on things based on conclusions that you come to after thinking things through.

 

You have a good plan: suck up to him and say you just need a little time to think things through, wrap up the work stuff, move everything, and then disappear.

 

None of that requires that you endanger his ex by pinning blame. He can be furious at you from afar, but once you escape there's nothing he can do. You've won. If you make him furious at his ex instead, she'll still be there, and she'll suffer the consequences.

[Adamgem]

^This

 

I find it unconscionable that you'd even consider risking getting someone else beaten (possibly killed because beatings don't always stop while the woman is still breathing) by trying to pin the blame on them.

 

The fact that you're even considering this is clear evidence that you aren't thinking rationally right now. I know this is an emotional time but try to calm down and think things through, don't react to things based on your feelings, *act on things based on conclusions that you come to after thinking things through.

 

You have a good plan: suck up to him and say you just need a little time to think things through, wrap up the work stuff, move everything, and then disappear.

 

None of that requires that you endanger his ex by pinning blame. He can be furious at you from afar, but once you escape there's nothing he can do. You've won. If you make him furious at his ex instead, she'll still be there, and she'll suffer the consequences.

 

Well this is exactly what I was thinking. She is very far away too... another country. My goal is to get out and get away.

[MilitantPacifist]

Well this is exactly what I was thinking. She is very far away too... another country. My goal is to get out and get away.

 

Yeah but my point is, he knows where his ex is. He won't know where you are.

 

If you make him mad enough at her, he absolutely can buy a plane ticket and go hurt his ex.

 

He can't buy a plane ticket to come after you, since if you do this right, he won't know where you are. So please, leave the ex out of it. That's seriously bad karma you're talking about there.

[Adamgem]

Yeah but my point is, he knows where his ex is. He won't know where you are.

 

If you make him mad enough at her, he absolutely can buy a plane ticket and go hurt his ex.

 

He can't buy a plane ticket to come after you, since if you do this right, he won't know where you are. So please, leave the ex out of it. That's seriously bad karma you're talking about there.

 

Well I got away. I have driven for three hours with all my belongings. It was very weird when I picked him up. He was silent. I stuck to business. He seemed disinterested. He kept asking me about the phone call. I knew this would happen. I was evasive. I tried to avoid saying much. I just answered his questions. I did not blame her. He wanted to know how the topic came up.

 

Looking back now - she said to me that she had already told me too much. In the end I now believe that he did warn her not to tell me about them getting back together.... but she couldn't wait. She loved telling me all the details.

 

The only point in the conversation that he started getting angry was when I went back to our usual argument 'it has nothing to do with her - YOU chose to go there and sleep there'.....

 

So in the end I was able to be honest and not cause her any trouble. I have already blocked him from facebook. Deleted his phone number. I have contacted some of his family and friends to say that I was moving on. I told him I did not know where I was going or what I was doing for the moment.

 

We wished each other well. No affection. Just cold - it's been nice knowing you - good luck. He drove off and so did I.

[MilitantPacifist]

Good for you! I'm happy to hear it went so well.

 

Make sure and keep everyone updated. I've been in that situation (on the road, not sure where I'm going, needing a job and a new home) so if you need some suggestions on where to go, I'll try to point out what mistakes not to make and what you should be doing.

[whichwayisup]

We wished each other well. No affection. Just cold - it's been nice knowing you - good luck. He drove off and so did I.

 

Ouch but in all honesty, it's good it happened this way. Reality showed you who he truly is/was all along.

 

Do take care of yourself in the upcoming weeks and months. Allow yourself to grieve the loss - The person you thought he was, never existed. Sadly that dream he built up for you and allowed you to invest in, was not real. Or if it was, things changed obviously..

 

Drive safe and do some more updates when you can.

[alexandria35]

Well I got away. I have driven for three hours with all my belongings. It was very weird when I picked him up. He was silent. I stuck to business. He seemed disinterested. He kept asking me about the phone call. I knew this would happen. I was evasive. I tried to avoid saying much. I just answered his questions. I did not blame her. He wanted to know how the topic came up.

 

Looking back now - she said to me that she had already told me too much. In the end I now believe that he did warn her not to tell me about them getting back together.... but she couldn't wait. She loved telling me all the details.

 

The only point in the conversation that he started getting angry was when I went back to our usual argument 'it has nothing to do with her - YOU chose to go there and sleep there'.....

 

So in the end I was able to be honest and not cause her any trouble. I have already blocked him from facebook. Deleted his phone number. I have contacted some of his family and friends to say that I was moving on. I told him I did not know where I was going or what I was doing for the moment.

 

We wished each other well. No affection. Just cold - it's been nice knowing you - good luck. He drove off and so did I.

 

Just wanted to wish you the best Adamgem. I have read your threads here and posted on a couple of them and I know this has been a real painful struggle for you. I'm glad you're taking action and making a change. You may have conflicting emotions for a little while but I think in the end you will be happy you put a stop to this.

[Adamgem]

Ouch but in all honesty, it's good it happened this way. Reality showed you who he truly is/was all along.

 

Do take care of yourself in the upcoming weeks and months. Allow yourself to grieve the loss - The person you thought he was, never existed. Sadly that dream he built up for you and allowed you to invest in, was not real. Or if it was, things changed obviously..

 

Drive safe and do some more updates when you can.

 

I got back home ok.... but he called me from an unknown number. Of course he is saying that she is telling lies. I said I didn't see the point of talking about any of this anymore.

 

He knows I am dropping the car back tomorrow but he has no idea at what time so I feel safe enough.

[Adamgem]

Philanderers do that sort of thing all the time. It gives them a tremendous ego boost.

 

When I discovered my exwife's affair she played me a recording of her overseas OM begging and crying to her; pleading not to end the relationship. It was eerie to hear the man crying and I then realized my wife was a monster. I left her at that moment. I felt awful for the poor guy.

 

You should have been nauseated when the MM allowed you to hear his wife on the phone. He was basically telling you he was a psycopath.

 

You will probably think I am a complete fool. I think that. I have such conflicting thoughts and feelings. I am finding it all very confusing even though it is obvious what the truth is.

 

Your ex wife sounds cruel. When my 'ex' let me listen to her on the phone - I believed it was because she had already threatened me (I was finding it difficult to believe) so when she called making threats again - he let me listen. I didn't think anything of it. That action did not make me think he was a psychopath.

 

He called me today. He sounded intoxicated and said he had been since I left. He begged me to stop being so cruel. He 'joked' that he would hunt me down. I do not believe he will do that. He is full of contradictions. Listening to him it is very difficult to believe that he feels nothing.

 

My resolve seems to have weakened. What kind of feelings did you have towards your exwife when you decided to leave? How did you get through it?

[whichwayisup]

I got back home ok.... but he called me from an unknown number. Of course he is saying that she is telling lies. I said I didn't see the point of talking about any of this anymore.

 

He knows I am dropping the car back tomorrow but he has no idea at what time so I feel safe enough.

 

Get someone else to drop the car off. Anybody!

 

Ignore him. Change your number too while you're at it and just stay out of his life and keep him out of your life so you can start your grieving and healing process.

 

This man isn't who you thought he was so don't give him the time of day.

[MilitantPacifist]

He 'joked' that he would hunt me down. I do not believe he will do that. He is full of contradictions. Listening to him it is very difficult to believe that he feels nothing.

 

Huge red flag there. Most jokes have at least a kernel of truth to them, and that one isn't even remotely funny. I agree with the last poster, ask someone else to drop the car off. Or drop it at a different location than the one you picked it up at.

 

And change your number, even consider getting a different phone, since they can be tracked via GPS. And cut off all contact. Don't let anyone connected with him even know what city you're in.

[Adamgem]

Huge red flag there. Most jokes have at least a kernel of truth to them, and that one isn't even remotely funny. I agree with the last poster, ask someone else to drop the car off. Or drop it at a different location than the one you picked it up at.

 

And change your number, even consider getting a different phone, since they can be tracked via GPS. And cut off all contact. Don't let anyone connected with him even know what city you're in.

 

I can drop the car off anytime in the next few days. He would never sit outside that office waiting to see me. It is at the airport anyway so he can do nothing. I will be changing my number as soon as I get back. I did tell him this. I said it is for the best as we both need to move on with our lives. I realise I shouldn't have picked up the phone but it is so confusing and difficult. The last 17 months with him have been the best in my life. I will miss him terribly. But I know he is not right.

[Adamgem]

Adamgen, I have only followed your story in bits and pieces. What is it that makes you so sure it is he and not his wife who is lying? I would think you would trust the man you've been in a relationship with rather than his betrayed wife. Do you have proof that she is telling the truth?

 

No. I have no proof and yes I have serious trust issues. I find it very difficult to trust men. I feel smothered and trapped in relationships when they get a bit serious and I always seem to be hyper vigilant when it comes to possible wrongs.

 

I never really feel loved and leave relationships and years later realise that they did have feelings.... I do not know how to fix this problem.

 

But in this case... I have seen him do things to her and imagined him doing the same to me. When she told me about him holding the phone so that she too could listen to me..... I believed that because it would be a very strange thing to make up. She also told me that she believed he loved me and wanted to be with us both. These are all the things I had begun to think. The sex part just finished me off. He is completely denying this.... I said if it is not true why must I listen to this? Why is she doing this? Why does he have her in his life if she is such a rotten liar? It doesn't make sense when he talks.... when she talks - it all rings true.

[ThatJustHappened]

Adamgen, I have only followed your story in bits and pieces. What is it that makes you so sure it is he and not his wife who is lying? I would think you would trust the man you've been in a relationship with rather than his betrayed wife. Do you have proof that she is telling the truth?

 

At this point, who cares who is lying? She's finally extricated herself from what was obviously a very bad relationship..she's been talking about being scared of this man getting angry at her. If a person scares you, you should not be in a relationship with them no matter what.

[Adamgem]

At this point, who cares who is lying? She's finally extricated herself from what was obviously a very bad relationship..she's been talking about being scared of this man getting angry at her. If a person scares you, you should not be in a relationship with them no matter what.

 

I have a friend living in my old apartment and that is one of the reasons I was finding it difficult to move as it is a very small place. He knows where it is and has her number. I will not be able to stay there as he just called me again....

 

He was quiete aggressive on the phone....telling me to shut up and just come back. Forget about his ex and the kids. She is just playing games and so on.... you have another motive! Imagine he says he does not believe this is the reason I am leaving. I am leaving him in a mess regarding work.... please do this and that.... talk to this client or that client.... I need the details of this and that...... then he hung up.

[Owl]

Time to block him, or change your phone number.

 

Stop taking his calls. You need to remove yourself completely from his reach.

 

His "huge mess" at work is HIS problem now.

[TaraMaiden]

Why do you stay on the phone, or even reply?

Cut him off and don't respond! Move away from this, and ignore him!

 

Isn't that the plan??

To stop playing in to this??

[Adamgem]

Yes. I know you are both right. I am really struggling today and I know I shoud not answer the phone. I am so confused. I do not know where to go to get away from him. I enjoyed being with him so much but I do not believe him. Not a word. He said she is just playing games. Do not call her.

 

I should not have picked up. I did it by accident the other night without thinking (a few glasses of wine with my friend).... and then he got me hooked again.

 

I then tried to call him about 8 times today. I am so stupid. I know I am not thinking clearly today. I just wanted to get out of this and hoped he would just accept it in a nice way....

 

He is acting very weird. He knows I will be in the area tomorrow but he will not know where or when - he is going crazy at the thought of me not seeing him.

 

I told him I would be changing my number shortly and then I will disappear travelling until I sort my mind out. I thought he would accept this. He begged me not to be so cruel. Why do I believe her and not him?

 

He hung up on me in the end. I deleted his number and texts. I will get to change my phone in two days. I find myself 'waiting' for him to call and getting angry when he doesn't!!! How perverted is that.... what is wrong with me?! I know what is wrong but I still FEEL like this....

 

I will have to be so strong tomorrow. I must not meet him and I must find the strength and resolve that I had a few days ago. I should not have gone out drinking with my friend. I was very much in a good mood... thinking I am moving on without a care in the world but it doesn't feel like that today...

[TaraMaiden]

pardon me:

Drinking is such a stupid thing to do. it weakens the spirit and makes you less inhibited. It's a crazy thing to do at the point of a break-up because nobody acts more dumbly than when they have alcohol in their hands.

 

you need a damn minder who's stronger-willed than you are.

For goodness, sake, please, be sensible - go with someone tomorrow to drop the car off. Instruct them that whatever happens, they are to completely prevent you form contacting him, at all costs, even if they have to spark you out, tie you up and gag you. And give someone else your 'phone. Until you get your new one.

but then, that's going to be a risk too, isn't it, because you keep ringing him.

You really shouldn't own a 'phone for a while!

[Adamgem]

pardon me:

Drinking is such a stupid thing to do. it weakens the spirit and makes you less inhibited. It's a crazy thing to do at the point of a break-up because nobody acts more dumbly than when they have alcohol in their hands.

 

you need a damn minder who's stronger-willed than you are.

For goodness, sake, please, be sensible - go with someone tomorrow to drop the car off. Instruct them that whatever happens, they are to completely prevent you form contacting him, at all costs, even if they have to spark you out, tie you up and gag you. And give someone else your 'phone. Until you get your new one.

but then, that's going to be a risk too, isn't it, because you keep ringing him.

You really shouldn't own a 'phone for a while!

I have deleted his number. I deleted the number of his ex. I do not remember either. It is not his car I am dropping off tomorrow. It is a rental and he will have no idea when I am dropping that. I feel completely safe regarding that. I am just in the same country for a day - he knows - but that isn't going to do much.

 

I must stop answering the phone. Drinking. Yes, I had told my friend the last thing I should do is drink at this time. That is why I am a bit worried about tomorrow. I seem to do exactly what I should not....it is like some kind of magnetic force....do not do it.... do not touch that big red button... but I must!!! I self destruct like this. I know it and yet I still do it. I do not understand my stupidity..... As I write these words (as a kind of therapy)... I imagine if someone had written them - I would be thinking 'idiot'.....

[veryhappy]

I rarely pray, but I hope there's a god out there able to keep you away from this man.

 

You got away. Stay away. He'll deal with work, it's just a way to get you back. Don't talk to him anymore, that will only weaken you and give him info on your whereabouts. Don't engage and run away.

 

There is and there was no real relationship with him.

[TaraMaiden]

..... - I would be thinking 'idiot'.....

 

I didn't like to say....

Although I did reply to someone else's posts about having an affair, with a simple "You idiot".

Difference being, he didn't think it first.

If you know you're being an idiot, and you can feel yourself beginning to think like an idiot, write, on both hands, in indelible black marker :

 

"Don't be an IDIOT!!"

 

It's a very good way of stopping yourself doing something idiotic - particularly when other people will be asking you -

 

"Why do you have 'Don't be an IDIOT!!' written across your hands...?!"