Truth time... stronger resolve. Getting rid of a psychopath.

[Adamgem]

I know I am posting lots.... it is just a way to help me deal with the situation. When I spoke to his ex yesterday she was able to tell me private details of the relationship I had... She told me how when I called - he let her listen into the conversation. These conversations were private. He had no right to do that.

 

I know she is being honest because when she was ranting and shouting and blackmailing on the phone - he also let me listen in.

 

He has told her many things that were private and she was able to tell me. He had lied to me about certain things that I pulled him on - he denied them, of course, and she confirmed that he had been telling me lies.

 

He then comes back to me (this was a few weeks ago) and makes plans with me for the future. She had called last week crying and asking why he never called - I found that extremely weird. Alarm bells. This is not what happens when a relationship is over. I got upset.

 

I could then hear her on the phone.... when are you going to tell her? WHAT!! I became more angry. I knew. I knew what was happening but his behavior towards me hadn't changed. It was so strange and still is. How can somebody put on such a performance.

 

I woke up this morning - still with a fire in my stomach - with a stronger resolve than yesterday.

 

I do not want to waste one more second of my life on this 'thing'.... I no longer view him as a person.... he isn't. He is completely devoid of empathy. His mentality 'what they don't know doesn't hurt them'.... makes me sick.

 

Previously I mentioned on this board that I thought I was dealing with a psychopath. Many of his behaviors had concerned me. Especially regarding his ex. The one he went back to! Now I am more convinced than ever - whatever the label - he is one seriously damaged individual. I hope this evening goes ok.

[veryhappy]

I wish you strength. You are dealing with a very, very twisted person.

[Adamgem]

Yes. I know. I hope I am not posting too much but I feel very alone until I get back to my friends. I am a little worried about what he will do but I think he will not be violent - I think he may do other sneaky things - I just do not know what yet.

 

His ex has a lot of money. He does too but is very greedy. She had been telling him 'it's all yours if you come back to me'.... so his 'feelings' changed!!! hahahahahahh what a joke.

 

It is more than likely that he is being very sweet on the phone to keep me here so that he can try and manipulate me further.

 

She is more than welcome to him. I think they are both very distrubed. It is no longer my problem. At least I hope so.

[Minka333]

I have also dealt with exes who acted like psychopaths. They are good with threats and manipulations. It taught me to be always one step ahead. I pretended to play along while i hatched my escape plans.

 

These twisted people turn relationships into sick jokes. They only care about their own gratifications. Empathy is almost non-existent. Like you i was traumatized. But i told myself i won't let these men ruin me. They can only destroy my feelings at one point but not my soul. I was devastated but i still had hope. I was left with nothing but that nothing turned me into something. The experience made me stronger/wiser. I learned to value myself more than anything else.

 

I'm glad you have the steel resolve to get out of this situation. You can do it. Find a safe place where they can't find you. They might harass you initially but eventually they'll grow tired until they find another victim.

[Silly_Girl]

I freed myself from someone who presented very psychopathic tendencies after 8 years and I started to think I wouldn't get out alive.

 

The tactic that worked for ME was to make him think I still wanted him. It made me feel sick and disgusted, but I distanced and distanced, even moving him to a separate address, all the while stroking his ego. He could NEVER have let me go and he knew how to push all my buttons. My acting needy (outwardly) and saying I still loved him, and 'pursuing' a relationship with him etc etc was how I was able to loosen his grip. He then (predictably) moved on to someone else. 3.5 yrs later he's still f**king with me but the impact on me is minimal.

 

Had he realised I no longer wanted/needed him, he'd have... well, I don't know what he'd have done. I've never really gone in to all this here but it occurred to me it could be useful info.

[CC12]

I hope this evening goes ok.

 

I am a little worried about what he will do but I think he will not be violent - I think he may do other sneaky things - I just do not know what yet

 

What's happening this evening? And why are you even wondering whether he'll be violent or not?

[Adamgem]

This evening I meet him to return his keys and tidy up some paperwork regarding business (I work for him). I do not know how he will behave. I do not know what to expect. I know he was violent with his ex on three occassions in the past.

 

He does not want to let me go. His entire world will be falling apart. I have been his life for the last 17 months. There has been little else. Work and me.

[Adamgem]

I have also dealt with exes who acted like psychopaths. They are good with threats and manipulations. It taught me to be always one step ahead. I pretended to play along while i hatched my escape plans.

 

These twisted people turn relationships into sick jokes. They only care about their own gratifications. Empathy is almost non-existent. Like you i was traumatized. But i told myself i won't let these men ruin me. They can only destroy my feelings at one point but not my soul. I was devastated but i still had hope. I was left with nothing but that nothing turned me into something. The experience made me stronger/wiser. I learned to value myself more than anything else.

 

I'm glad you have the steel resolve to get out of this situation. You can do it. Find a safe place where they can't find you. They might harass you initially but eventually they'll grow tired until they find another victim.

 

How did you stay one step ahead? I feel a little lost as I have no idea what he might do.... I really appreciate any input.. How can I play along now that I have packed all my things and booked a car?

[Adamgem]

I freed myself from someone who presented very psychopathic tendencies after 8 years and I started to think I wouldn't get out alive.

 

The tactic that worked for ME was to make him think I still wanted him. It made me feel sick and disgusted, but I distanced and distanced, even moving him to a separate address, all the while stroking his ego. He could NEVER have let me go and he knew how to push all my buttons. My acting needy (outwardly) and saying I still loved him, and 'pursuing' a relationship with him etc etc was how I was able to loosen his grip. He then (predictably) moved on to someone else. 3.5 yrs later he's still f**king with me but the impact on me is minimal.

 

Had he realised I no longer wanted/needed him, he'd have... well, I don't know what he'd have done. I've never really gone in to all this here but it occurred to me it could be useful info.

 

OMG.... maybe I have done completely the wrong thing. Making a definite exit plan. All packed and ready to go.... I am wondering if he thinks it is not really over?

[CC12]

This evening I meet him to return his keys and tidy up some paperwork regarding business (I work for him). I do not know how he will behave. I do not know what to expect. I know he was violent with his ex on three occassions in the past.

 

He does not want to let me go. His entire world will be falling apart. I have been his life for the last 17 months. There has been little else. Work and me.

 

Meet him at a public place. Restaurant, coffee shop? If that's not possible, do you have any friends who can go with you? Don't be alone with him.

 

Or, better yet, is it possible to mail him his keys or tidy up the paperwork when he's not going to be there?

 

You said you don't want to waste any more time on this guy, so do your best not to be in his presence or communicate with him more than you have to. Be done with him.

[Adamgem]

Meet him at a public place. Restaurant, coffee shop? If that's not possible, do you have any friends who can go with you? Don't be alone with him.

 

Or, better yet, is it possible to mail him his keys or tidy up the paperwork when he's not going to be there?

 

You said you don't want to waste any more time on this guy, so do your best not to be in his presence or communicate with him more than you have to. Be done with him.

 

Unfortunately it is not possible to do this. I would if I could. I will pick him up from the airport. I do not want to give him any further reason to get angry and if I do not end the work relationship well - I know he will go crazy.

 

What I will do when I pick him up is let him know that I have informed my friends about what is happening - so that he knows if something happens to me - he will be blamed. It is not his style to attack in a physical manner but you never know. He is more likely to do something sneaky... or to shout and rant.

 

I am in a country where I do not have my friends around me. I am very much alone (that is why this forum is so important to me)... I have good friends when I get out of here. I have a long drive and it will take me two days to get where I am going.

[Minka333]

One step ahead was like what silly girl did. I made them think i was ok when in fact i was already making plans on leaving. It wasn't easy as these types of men never want to let go.

 

I booked a ticket and hid in another country. Actually i still am until now. That's how bad things were. They are still harassing my family. The last 2 exes of mine were utter psychos. I feel safer now and finally i have some sense of peace but i still worry about my love ones i left behind.

 

The moment i was out it was truly a liberating feeling. It was like i was freed from a miserable jail. Now i appreciate even the smallest things. It was like i was given a new lease in life.

[TaraMaiden]

While I see Silly_Girl's strategy may well work, the fact that this psycho-ex is still yanking her chain occasionally, is worrying and in my opinion, with the greatest of respect, it's not a good strategy.

The only way to get rid of someone like this is to take every preventative measure that would enable them to even be within a mile of you - even if it means taking an order out against them....

The further away you are from a person who has no limitations in-built to their character, temperament and method, the better.

 

Cancel the 'appointment' to meet, if you can.

Mail him the stuff. Change the locks, change your number - hell, even look for somewhere else to stay for a while - or if needs be - move.

It happens...

 

Get out of his range and fall off his radar. Do not remain in contact with his "ex"... she's obviously not handling this well, and you should sever contact there, too. Hell, you're being battered from both sides!

 

Move right away from him - mentally, psychologically, emotionally and physically.

 

And I must use this line, because it's so worth repeating:

 

Do not be a prisoner to someone else's dysfunction".

[CC12]

Unfortunately it is not possible to do this. I would if I could. I will pick him up from the airport. I do not want to give him any further reason to get angry and if I do not end the work relationship well - I know he will go crazy.

 

Get creative, then. Pick him up from the airport in a cab, and say, "I hired a cab because my car wouldn't start! I don't know what happened to it!" Then you can go straight to the workplace or wherever you need to go and have the cab wait outside for you. Do whatever paperwork you need to do, then tell him, "Welp, nice knowing you. Gotta run because the cab is waiting. Goodbye forever."

 

I mean, you're ending a work relationship. This part needs to be kept professional. Don't do more than a regular employee would do. You don't owe him much.

[Adamgem]

One step ahead was like what silly girl did. I made them think i was ok when in fact i was already making plans on leaving. It wasn't easy as these types of men never want to let go.

 

I booked a ticket and hid in another country. Actually i still am until now. That's how bad things were. They are still harassing my family. The last 2 exes of mine were utter psychos. I feel safer now and finally i have some sense of peace but i still worry about my love ones i left behind.

 

The moment i was out it was truly a liberating feeling. It was like i was freed from a miserable jail. Now i appreciate even the smallest things. It was like i was given a new lease in life.

 

Ok... He already knows I am leaving. It is too late for me to not let him know.... do you have any suggestions?

[Adamgem]

While I see Silly_Girl's strategy may well work, the fact that this psycho-ex is still yanking her chain occasionally, is worrying and in my opinion, with the greatest of respect, it's not a good strategy.

The only way to get rid of someone like this is to take every preventative measure that would enable them to even be within a mile of you - even if it means taking an order out against them....

The further away you are from a person who has no limitations in-built to their character, temperament and method, the better.

 

Cancel the 'appointment' to meet, if you can.

Mail him the stuff. Change the locks, change your number - hell, even look for somewhere else to stay for a while - or if needs be - move.

It happens...

 

Get out of his range and fall off his radar. Do not remain in contact with his "ex"... she's obviously not handling this well, and you should sever contact there, too. Hell, you're being battered from both sides!

 

Move right away from him - mentally, psychologically, emotionally and physically.

 

And I must use this line, because it's so worth repeating:

 

Do not be a prisoner to someone else's dysfunction".

 

I can not cancel the meet with him. He would hunt me down forever. I am certain of this. I would have to move to another continent.... not country. I sure. Once I am away I do plan to cut all contact and I do plan to disappear for a few months. Completely off the radar. No phones. No fb. No emails. Nobody will know where I am. I know he will start calling my friends - so I have already instructed them.

 

The most important is to make the meeting this evening go smoothly.

[Adamgem]

Get creative, then. Pick him up from the airport in a cab, and say, "I hired a cab because my car wouldn't start! I don't know what happened to it!" Then you can go straight to the workplace or wherever you need to go and have the cab wait outside for you. Do whatever paperwork you need to do, then tell him, "Welp, nice knowing you. Gotta run because the cab is waiting. Goodbye forever."

 

I mean, you're ending a work relationship. This part needs to be kept professional. Don't do more than a regular employee would do. You don't owe him much.

 

Thank you for your input but I am using his car to pick him up... The office is right beside the house.... it will take a few hours. I am leaving a big mess by leaving so suddenly. I can not give him a reason to hate me even more.

[Adamgem]

I have been doing some reading about psychopaths and Narcissists.... he seems to be both.

 

From what I understand - they will never take responsibility. I must pretend I still adore him, it is not his fault, he is not losing control etc.

 

I am wondering if it would be wise (however, revolting) to blame his ex for my departure and not him (even though it is 100% his fault not hers). If I should say something like I am so heartbroken - I really neeed time to process all of this and be alone - I know you are a good generous man and you will let me have that.....

 

..anything to get away easily. Once away I will cut all contact.... What do you think?

[Adamgem]

In fact I think he may be more angry about me leaving work than him..... He kind of views it as the same!

[CC12]

I am wondering if it would be wise (however, revolting) to blame his ex for my departure and not him (even though it is 100% his fault not hers).

 

What? No, don't pull the ex into your mess. You want to leave him and it is 100% his fault, according to you. Handle your problems on your own, don't involve the ex.

 

Wait, is this the same ex that he got violent with on three occasions? What the **** are you thinking trying to pin this on her? Do you want her to get beaten again?

[Silly_Girl]

While I see Silly_Girl's strategy may well work, the fact that this psycho-ex is still yanking her chain occasionally, is worrying and in my opinion, with the greatest of respect, it's not a good strategy.

The only way to get rid of someone like this is to take every preventative measure that would enable them to even be within a mile of you - even if it means taking an order out against them....

The further away you are from a person who has no limitations in-built to their character, temperament and method, the better.

 

Cancel the 'appointment' to meet, if you can.

Mail him the stuff. Change the locks, change your number - hell, even look for somewhere else to stay for a while - or if needs be - move.

It happens...

 

Get out of his range and fall off his radar. Do not remain in contact with his "ex"... she's obviously not handling this well, and you should sever contact there, too. Hell, you're being battered from both sides!

 

Move right away from him - mentally, psychologically, emotionally and physically.

 

And I must use this line, because it's so worth repeating:

 

Do not be a prisoner to someone else's dysfunction".

 

It worked for me, TM, because it was my only option. Only one. If I could have severed ties and moved away I would have.

[Adamgem]

What? No, don't pull the ex into your mess. You want to leave him and it is 100% his fault, according to you. Handle your problems on your own, don't involve the ex.

 

Wait, is this the same ex that he got violent with on three occasions? What the **** are you thinking trying to pin this on her? Do you want her to get beaten again?

 

Yes, what you say makes perfect sense when you are dealing with a 'normal' person. He is not. He will never accept responsibility for the situation. Never. He must blame someone else. He will be very frustrated and will take his frustrations out on whoever he thinks is responsible. I would rather it be her than me.

 

I even spoke to her about this on the phone. I asked her - why was she telling me these things if he had threatened her like she said? She said she didn't care and that she had been hurt so much that this was nothing new for her....

 

So I wished her luck and thanked her for talking to me. I told her I was sorry for her situation and would not like to be in her shoes and, therefore, I was getting out.

 

She has experience dealing with him and is happy to do so. She wants him in her life even if he beats her. She is willing to give up her vast wealth - as long as he stays with her. He told me this and she told me this. At any cost. She has no regard for me - she has made this clear on several occassions.

 

I am in a vulnerable place right now and if it prevents me from danger - I will take this option. These are my reasons. I can not think of another way but if someone has some ideas I would gladly listen....

[CC12]

Yes, what you say makes perfect sense when you are dealing with a 'normal' person. He is not.

 

You can try to behave like a normal person, though.

 

He must blame someone else.

 

Like you're trying to do by blaming his ex?

 

He will be very frustrated and will take his frustrations out on whoever he thinks is responsible. I would rather it be her than me.

 

That's really ****ed up.

 

I am in a vulnerable place right now and if it prevents me from danger - I will take this option. These are my reasons. I can not think of another way but if someone has some ideas I would gladly listen....

 

Look, I understand that you're in a vulnerable position right now, but throwing that other girl under the bus to save your own ass would be really wrong.

 

People have suggested several different ways to deal with this, and you have not "gladly listened." You shot them all down for one reason or another.

[Adamgem]

You can try to behave like a normal person, though.

 

 

 

Like you're trying to do by blaming his ex?

 

 

 

That's really ****ed up.

 

 

 

Look, I understand that you're in a vulnerable position right now, but throwing that other girl under the bus to save your own ass would be really wrong.

 

People have suggested several different ways to deal with this, and you have not "gladly listened." You shot them all down for one reason or another.

 

I am fully aware that is is messed up. I do not like the situation. None of the options suggested are remotly possible. I am doing the best I can in this situation. I must not allow him to direct his rage at me. I am so isolated you have no idea.

 

She has already agreed - she said she is used to it. So why get in to a fight with a psychopath when it can be avoided? She already knows he is angry with her.

[CC12]

I am fully aware that is is messed up. I do not like the situation. None of the options suggested are remotly possible. I am doing the best I can in this situation. I must not allow him to direct his rage at me. I am so isolated you have no idea.

 

She has already agreed - she said she is used to it. So why get in to a fight with a psychopath when it can be avoided? She already knows he is angry with her.

 

There are lots of ways to avoid getting into a fight with a psycho. I don't think you're really interested in knowing them, though, because it's much easier to let some other person take the fall. And to convince yourself that said person is so used to it that it doesn't matter to her anymore.

 

If you choose to go that route, fine. But just remember that you screwed someone else over to make things better for yourself. If you can live with that, then...I don't know. Good for you, I guess.