Silly_Girl Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 Do you trust your MM? Do you believe he is being honest with you about his feelings for you? About his marriage? Why do you trust him? Or why *don't* you trust him? Did you used to trust him and now don't, or didn't trust him initially and now do?
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 29, 2012 Author Posted September 29, 2012 I see the sense in your post LFH. I started speaking online with MM with no plans to meet whatsoever. We covered ground I can't imagine ever doing in that way in a dating scenario, where one is possibly slightly guarded, or reticent, because of the vested interest. He had zero reason to lie to me and I am perfectly happy that what he shared was the truth - HIS truth. I grew cynical when we became involved. I realised he had something to protect, a motivation to keep me sweet. Fortunately (or unfortunately) my relationship with ex-SO had given me ninja-standard truth-finding skills and, as much as I hate to say it, I made many mental notes and added up a big jigsaw in the back of my mind, and try as I might to catch him out my suspicions were unfounded, sometimes resulting in my embarrassing myself. That I had to do that I find sad, I *did* have to do it - many point out here, 'if he can lie to his wife he can lie to you... I needed reassurance. That said, I don't think I could again be with someone where I needed to work hard to be sure they weren't pulling the wool over my eyes. The marriage (or lack of) was emotive for him, and he was always kind about his wife. Her behaviour (as reported to me, of course, I never saw it) was consistent with what he'd described. I was also easily able to locate her affair partner on several sites and see events they had been involved in together. It took a long time for me to trust him, but trust him I did. My later, post-affair experience of him and his family/friends backed up things I had learnt. Ironically the one way it seemed I couldn't trust him was each time he said he would be leaving to be with me
AnotherRound Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 Do you trust your MM? I do. Do you believe he is being honest with you about his feelings for you? I do. He isn't a "future faker" like some seem to be, and there is no reason not to believe what he expresses. About his marriage? Yes, even though I know it is "his" side that I hear. I hear it from others too, and it has always verified what he has said. There is his truth, and her truth, and then there is the real truth - somewhere in the middle. Why do you trust him? He has never given me any reason NOT to trust him. He has never lied to me, or hidden anything from me, or been anything other than completely straight forward and open with me. Or why *don't* you trust him? The only thing that would cause me to not trust him would be if he ever gave me a reason not to. So far, in the past 8 years, nothing he has ever told me or expressed has turned out to not be true, so, I think that's a pretty good sample of his trustworthiness. Did you used to trust him and now don't, or didn't trust him initially and now do? I think in the beginning I was skeptical - when I first found out he was married. But, as I got to know him, and other people who know him and his stbxw and their marriage, everyone's "stories" all matched up. So, maybe initially I was doubtful, but that was verified pretty quickly, and has continued to be verified the entire time that I've known him. And, other than that first lie of not being married, he has never lied to me again. So, I choose to forgive that one (not that I forgot it, or didn't hold him accountable), and base my "judgment" on the other 8 years and not that one night. 1
Summer Breeze Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 Do you trust your MM? Do you believe he is being honest with you about his feelings for you? About his marriage? Why do you trust him? Or why *don't* you trust him? Did you used to trust him and now don't, or didn't trust him initially and now do? I trusted him completely when we were in the A and now that we're possibly starting something post A I have no reason to feel any differently. He told me he was never going to leave home so he had no reason not to tell me the truth. I have no reason to doubt what he said about his M. Talks with his BS after ddays confirmed a lot of things and getting to know his close family through the time we were together did too. When xH cheated on me it opened a whole can of worms about trust for me. The obvious was that I didn't trust him and I knew that couldn't be fixed. My BFF came to me a couple of days after our dday and told me about the A. I hadn't told anyone other than his family about it at that point. My BFF risked all sorts of things to tell me and I knew then she was a keeper. So many other people I thought I was close to knew about it and over the next few months I found out many of them knew. None came forward. I never trusted them the same way again and I look at the people I have around me and judge their deserving of my trust pretty harshly. MM was in a worse position. I tried to catch him out and never did. He was literally like an open book and as far as I know he has never lied to me. I'm going to take it a little further and say that I don't believe all MM are honest. I can only speak of my situation and our R. 1
Adamgem Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 I do not trust him and I was always very cautious from the start. He has always said to me that he would never leave his ex and children.... when I said I though he had - he would then say - yes he has but he means he would never stop supporting them or being part of their life. I had thought he was being correct. What a fool I was to listen to that. What a sick man. What a sick family. Thank god I am getting out. I am going to be free. Everybody including my friends, his friends, his family and his ex say he cares for me and has very strong feeling for me - yet his behavior says something else. No. I do not trust him. I think he is fooling everybody. Except me. I am finished with that. 1
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 29, 2012 Author Posted September 29, 2012 I'm going to take it a little further and say that I don't believe all MM are honest. That's not a stretch SB!! I never believe ALL [anything] are [insert what you like here]! Every situation/person is different. And there are plenty of people who are less honest than we'd wish them to be. A read of this board alone shows some will not be truthful and some can be downright cruel. 1
Summer Breeze Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 That's not a stretch SB!! I never believe ALL [anything] are [insert what you like here]! Every situation/person is different. And there are plenty of people who are less honest than we'd wish them to be. A read of this board alone shows some will not be truthful and some can be downright cruel. Sorry SG I didn't mean it that way. I wasn't stretching in the belief some MM lie. To me that's a given much the same some OW/OM/BS/WS lie. I meant taking it further on this particular thread. You'd asked about our individual MMs and I made a comment about them in general. Sorry about that! 1
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 29, 2012 Author Posted September 29, 2012 Sorry SG I didn't mean it that way. I wasn't stretching in the belief some MM lie. To me that's a given much the same some OW/OM/BS/WS lie. I meant taking it further on this particular thread. You'd asked about our individual MMs and I made a comment about them in general. Sorry about that! Aha! Gotcha. Sorry
Radagast Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 Do you trust your MM? Do you believe he is being honest with you about his feelings for you? About his marriage? Why do you trust him? Or why *don't* you trust him? Did you used to trust him and now don't, or didn't trust him initially and now do? I hope you don't mind if I reply to this thread, as I was reflecting on this issue myself recently. It is many many years since I was "the other man" but it was the start of my lengthy marriage and it did set the tone for our continuing relationship, so it was a useful reflection for me. I did trust her. I did believe she was being honest with me about her feelings for me, and about her marriage, although it also became clear to me quite early on that she was deeply damaged. Still, at that state I believed that that damage arose from the marriage itself, and that rescuing her from that marriage would enable her to recover. I believed I was "saving" her. I suppose the most basic reason for my trusting her was my youth! At that age I had not encountered women who deceived or manipulated men either in a calculated way or through a paucity of proper relating skills. I took people pretty much at face value. When she said he was abusive, I believed her, even though he wrote to me and gave me his side of the story. It was only much later as I grew up and gained perspective that I was able to understand how mistaken I'd been. My real breakthrough in understanding came many years later during a separation, when I was able to get some distance and realise just how dysfunctional the relationship was and how perverse her view of the world and "reality" was. Counselling helped me to put it all in perspective and to step away from that warped view permanently.
Ladydrib Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 Do you trust your MM? Do you believe he is being honest with you about his feelings for you? About his marriage? Why do you trust him? Or why *don't* you trust him? Did you used to trust him and now don't, or didn't trust him initially and now do? I trusted some of what he said. I trust that he was honest with his words, feelings, and thoughts. He was conflicted and I believe that's why the actions did not line up with the words. But conflicted or not, I didn't want to be in the middle of it. So that explains 'what' I trusted about him. What I didn't trust about him related to manipulation. I believe he did everything he could to buy more time with me, and to keep me from walking away. This is where manipulation came in. Because while he was sure he wanted me, he was not sure he wanted to do what it would take to keep me. So he either had to let me go, or try to manipulate me to stay, since he couldn't deliver what I wanted. I don't think he was evil. I do think he was sly and cunning. But I do believe he honestly had two paths to chose from, and if I wasn't willing to participate, then he had to let go of me or change. It was a misalignment between us. Nothing more, nothing less.
Ladydrib Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 I do believe he intentionally lied to me when he said he "didn't want am affair". I believed it because I did not want one, so I found that totally believable. But now I see it as a tactic to get me to participate and keep me from leaving.
cocorico Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 Do you trust your MM? Do you believe he is being honest with you about his feelings for you? About his marriage? Why do you trust him? Or why *don't* you trust him? Did you used to trust him and now don't, or didn't trust him initially and now do? I don't trust anyone, but I learned to trust him because his track record consistently showed him to be honest, transparent and trustworthy in all aspects of his life with everyone who mattered, and everyone but one who did not, but most especially because he showed me that I could trust him fully. And I've consistently been proven right. 1
MissBee Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Do you trust your MM? Do you believe he is being honest with you about his feelings for you? About his marriage? Why do you trust him? Or why *don't* you trust him? Did you used to trust him and now don't, or didn't trust him initially and now do? It depends on what trusts means... At the time I did believe he was honest about his feelings for me, still believe that. He wasn't married and didn't say anything negative or in detail about his relationship so I had nothing to not believe him about (although I'm wondering if believing specific things is the same as trusting). I was aware that in SOME instances, it would profit him and the situation of the A to downplay or omit certain things. So I lived with the reality that, just like a friend may not always be forthright about every single thing, for a certain reason...and in the case of the A, it was the simple reason of sparing feelings and all that, he probably wouldn't be 100% transparent about that. But in terms of his feelings for me and generally I trusted him. I didn't think he was an all around liar lying about every and anything. However, I did see realistically that he was capable of cheating, it did make me think if we ever were together in a normal relationship I would be foolish not to take that into consideration. I also realized the nature of the beast is that he probably doesn't out and out lie but omitted. However, I did trust him in the large sense but would I believe every single thing he said or didn't say, err...maybe not.
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 30, 2012 Author Posted September 30, 2012 Seriously: All of us trusted our SO. Trusting is easy when there is no prior history of cheating. The issue is why trust someone with a past record of cheating? Luckily for you folk have gone to the trouble of posting and explaining
AnotherRound Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Luckily for you folk have gone to the trouble of posting and explaining True! There are a lot of different perspectives available on these forums for sure. For me, I don't condemn a person for one thing. If someone lies to me once, I don't assume that they lie about everything, or all the time. I accept that they lied to me once. Then, I just have to choose if I can forgive that or not. If I choose to forgive it, then I have no right, imo, to treat them as a liar for the rest of their life. Especially if they prove over the next 8 years (in my case) that they aren't lying to me. I think that far outweighs one lie. Doing something once, imo, doesn't make the person a "fill in the blank", forever and always. And I'm certainly glad that others think this way too, as I've made mistakes in my life and am glad that I'm not judged on them forever and for the rest of my life. If I make a mistake, learn from it and grow, and improve myself and never do it again - I am appreciative that there are others that can see that and appreciate it in me and not just write me off for that one time at band camp all those years ago.
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 30, 2012 Author Posted September 30, 2012 Note, how philanderers trust no one. They don't trust because they see the world from the perspective of a cheater. My ex-MM trusted me totally. And also his wife. I don't understand your claim.
cocorico Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 My ex-MM trusted me totally. And also his wife. I don't understand your claim. I would not class all MMs as philanderers, only those who are unfaithful for enjoyment. So perhaps it has to do with the *type* of MM, since that claim was specifically made about philanderers. 1
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 30, 2012 Author Posted September 30, 2012 I would not class all MMs as philanderers, only those who are unfaithful for enjoyment. So perhaps it has to do with the *type* of MM, since that claim was specifically made about philanderers. Good point, C.
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