Collegeguy4948 Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 Hello everyone; this is my first post here. Here's my situation and it's very long, but I need help: I'm a 20 year old gay man. I go to school in Massachusetts, but am from Texas. I met this 24-year-old guy over the Summer (in TX, our families live around the same city) and we went on dates everyday for about 7 days. These dates were amazing and we just couldn't get enough of each other. However, he had to leave for an internship in Mexico. We had sort of established that since he goes to school in MI, we could visit each other frequently. It did not happen, as he went to Michigan (this is his last year and wants to go there for grad school, as do I but I'm a Junior) for 5 days (while still talking to me, although he stopped, sort of) and went back to his ex-boyfriend, who he said he was still in love with (he said he couldn't control his feelings). I suffered so much that Summer, was depressed, but nevertheless still in love. Fast forward and he broke up with his boyfriend .He realized he fell for me and the ex cheated on him after my guy stopped acting like his bf and everything. He visited me at school in MA on Labor Day weekend (said he never takes risks but he had decided to do this sort of suddenly) and we had the greatest time. We went to NYC, he bought a car. we slept together, etc. He is always so happy when he's with me, and I'm happiest with him. The goodbye was painful but I'm visiting him in 6 days. The problem is that I'm feeling him extremely detached from me for the past week. He doesn't show me affection, calls me nice names like he had been doing, and doesn't text me first anymore. I feel like he's losing interest, but why? I'm also thinking he might need space, since we have been texting all day everyday, but it might get boring for him. I had confronted him about him not talking about his feelings about 3 weeks ago, but he said that he was upset that he couldn't see me when he wants me, which causes him to shut down. He told me that me doubting the "relationship" (we are not official as I told him doing this would put pressure on us; he used "us" or "this," I forgot which) was a turnoff because he likes confidence, so he was doubting is as well now. He told me I should think if we should end it, but of course I said no. He said to think about it, but I said no after I "thought about it" the next day. One day though, he told me "And don't feel like a bother, I love you tons!" He told me his feelings for me hadn't changed. After wondering why I'd get extremely anxious about anticipated texts, I realized that I might have an anxious attachment to him, especially because texts are basically the only way through which we communicate. I don't want to lose him, but I realized that me freaking out so easily and not letting the relationship breathe would kill it, so I stopped freaking out so much. Now I think that it's his personality though. I feel like he might be a little insecure himself, but doesn't like admitting it. He likes to think of himself as being very alpha, very proud, a very charming and confident guy, but I know he also has a soft spot. I just know this whole wall he puts (pushing away) is because he's been hurt before, so he does it to not get hurt anymore. It's a coping mechanism. The thing though, is that sometimes he will tell me "I just realized that 8 guys like me," and the other night I told him I'd give him a massage and he replied "I really need one. I know there's at least one guy who would give me one, but Idk:/" I got mad and just said goodnight, to which he replied "goodnight " sarcastically. However, later I said that it wasn't cute he did that and that the last thing I wanted from him was mistrust. He told me he wasn't talking to anyone, but I'm feeling that him trying to get me jealous (which he has told me he likes his bf being jealous because he feels protected) just adds to me feeling anxious and insecure about the relationship, although I do feel like he would never cheat and I know he has told me he would stay single for me, to allow us to develop. His parents divorced when he was a child (his father left him and his family and then he accused them of being drug addicts, etc so he wouldn't have to give them money) and his mother has never really showed him affection. He says she never really tells him she loves him or anything, but I have noticed he loves the woman (he said she's the most important person in his life). He's also very conservative for a gay man, although he does wear Abercrombie and likes money a lot. I feel like the issue with his parents' divorce is why he might be like that. He's studying Law and I told him maybe he has issues with divorce because of his childhood, to which he agreed. In real life, however, he's very affectionate to me; it's so perfect and we both say it! We have told each other we are perfect for each other, and it's endless happiness when we see each other, which is why I'm visiting and his school to hopefully transfer there. I know I'm in love with him. I just don't know why he hasn't been showing affection lately though, although he has been having A LOT of work and has been sleeping at 4 a.m., 5, etc. I guess him texting me means he still likes me, but he hasn't told me he loves me in a week even after I tell him I do. Now the big question: Could it be that he's losing interest/attachment, or he is just busy? And how can I make him communicate with me and tell me nice things yet not force anything? I don't like forcing things and know I do better with him when I'm myself and honest. I'll be seeing him for a week in about 6 days, but what should I do to keep this going after that? I won't be visiting him again until Thanksgiving, so I'm afraid that a 2-month physical separation might bring out demons. Thank you. Edit: It's the weekend right now and we hadn't talked all day, but now he's drunk and is sort of making conversation...what does this mean? I mean, he's sending me photos of what he's doing, but is it for attention, or because he actually likes me? As I said, we hadn't talked all day but after I called him, I told him about the affection thing and he didn't really respond to it. I told him myself that it was probably because he's busy, but I think I said that to reassure myself.
justwhoiam Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 Could it be that he's losing interest/attachment It could be. how can I make him communicate with me and tell me nice things yet not force anything? There's no magic secret. Talk about these things when you're both fiully relaxed when you meet up with him, in 5 days. Maybe not on the first day. The second day is fine. what should I do to keep this going after that? Time's a good testing factor. If he can't keep his interest high past a week, or past a month, then you should ask yourself what your limits are, how far you can go with loss of interest or lack of affection. now he's drunk and is sort of making conversation...what does this mean? That he feels lonely? he's sending me photos of what he's doing, but is it for attention Yes. By the way, are you sure he wouldn't want to be bossed around by you?
Author Collegeguy4948 Posted September 29, 2012 Author Posted September 29, 2012 By the way, are you sure he wouldn't want to be bossed around by you? Hi, thank you so much for your reply! What do you mean by this though? He has told me he appreciates it when his partner tells him he's being over the top with his attitude and says he also likes to know when he's doing a good job.
Author Collegeguy4948 Posted September 29, 2012 Author Posted September 29, 2012 Also, I am kind of broken over him now. Last night he was doing the drunk texting (after we didn't text all day) and this was our conversation: *sends me a photo of him with friends playing a drinking game we talked about * Me: Looks like fun Me: I think I might stay in and watch movies tonight Him: Okay Him: The guy behind the guy in white is our RA Me: Ha ha. I love that. My RA this year is lame but I was friends with the one last year so we had wine and conversations. She's the Italian girl who lives in Venice when we were talking about Eleonora. Him: I don't know. I'm stinks Him: Drunk Me: Haha. Okay. Me: You look like you're having fun though Him: Omg I just burped and I thought I was going to vomit. Thank God it was just a burp Me: How drunk are you? Him: Pretty drunk Me: I see Me: For some reason I want you to tell me something interesting while drunk but Idk lol Him: What do you wanna know? Idk, anything pertaining to you. Me: And since you're so chatty right now (which I don't mind). Him: What do you wanna know? Me: Tell me what you think of me right now and of me visiting. Him: I think it's cool Me: Hahaha. Just that? Him: I think it's cool. And I will put up with it Him: Huh? Him: I don't know. I'm in love with my ex still. Shame. Terrible Me: Nothing, that was just a follow up. Me: Are you being serious right now? What ex, still Sean? I almost don't believe that. Him: Me: Oh gosh that face At this point I thought he was kidding, but then... Him: Huh? Me: I don't want to believe what you said about your ex. It could be true but I feel like I'm not dumb to believe that. Him: Ha ha. Dork Me: You're not telling me anything there. Him: What? I don't know. I'm drunk Me: I know you are but look at what you sent.me. Him: What did I send you? Me: "I don't know. I'm in love with my ex still. Shame. Terrible" Him: I don't know. I don't know who your ex is. Me: Not mine, yours. You sent me that. Him: I did. Oh Me: Yeah, oh. Him: Me: So you're happy you told me that? Him: Huh? I don't know. I don't know what is going on Me:I don't know. I don't think we should talk right now. Him: What? Me: I'm saying that you should just to me when you're sober because you're not making sense. Him: I don't love you. I love Sean. I don't want to hurt you so I hide it Then I call him, and through very broken sounds I hear him say something like: Why are you calling him? I'm not in love with you (although it sounded like he said "I'm so lovable," but that makes no sense) and he quickly hung up. He sounded extremely inebriated. I text him after that. Me: You should have told me this from the start then Him: Huh? I don't know Can someone explain to me what the hell is going on here? I honestly feel like he's doing this (his mind is) just because he has commitment issues and doesn't want to deal with the whole me seeing him and us falling, then leaving again. At this point, however, I don't know. I'm ready to give up on him if he doesn't take responsibility for his actions.
justwhoiam Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 Hi, thank you so much for your reply! What do you mean by this though? You're welcome. I guess he wants to see the alpha male qualities in you. That doesn't get along with you whining. Maybe he needs an assertive guy sort of bossing him around. I don't know though.
Author Collegeguy4948 Posted September 29, 2012 Author Posted September 29, 2012 You're welcome. I guess he wants to see the alpha male qualities in you. That doesn't get along with you whining. Maybe he needs an assertive guy sort of bossing him around. I don't know though. Right, that makes sense. Well, I've tried being an *******, detaching, but I feel like I care about him and love him too much to actually be like that. I put my guard down, and he probably didn't see that as strong. But how are you supposed to show a person like that who you are when two people have a shell? I'm thinking he sent me those messages to deceive me or as a test, but what the hell. He's been testing me for long enough, and I can't read him anymore. When he stopped talking to me because of his ex, I showed him I cared for him and eventually it worked because he came back to me. Now he's drifting again, but I don't want to be the guy he goes to when his relationship breaks; that's unhealthy and I'm not a loser. I deserve better.
justwhoiam Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 He told you he doesn't love you, his ex is still on his mind. That means he's still in love with his ex. He may be attracted to you, but not that much. So he's just letting this dead story go on until something good comes up. He warned you. As soon as he falls in love again, he will leave. So, I guess you should just break up with him.
Author Collegeguy4948 Posted September 29, 2012 Author Posted September 29, 2012 Yeah, I should just get over him and get my $200 back. I'll buy clothes with that or pay a school loan lol. I think I need to focus on my career because that's the only thing I have which is completely stable. I'll just leave them two to deal with themselves and their troubles and not look back. That way I don't get hurt anymore, and can focus on my own life. I'm more resilient that I make myself seem. All I need is a little boost after stuff like this, and I'm back on track. Thanks for the help Anyone else is still welcome to post. 1
justwhoiam Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 that's unhealthy and I'm not a loser. I deserve better. Great. That's the right mindset. Keep your cool when you meet him and talk to him, otherwise he'll think you're being impulsive. I guess there are fewer people around here during the weekend. Also, gay love is not everybody's cup of tea. Some people wouldn't know what to say. But more posts might be coming soon. Keep checking.
Author Collegeguy4948 Posted September 29, 2012 Author Posted September 29, 2012 Great. That's the right mindset. Keep your cool when you meet him and talk to him, otherwise he'll think you're being impulsive. I guess there are fewer people around here during the weekend. Also, gay love is not everybody's cup of tea. Some people wouldn't know what to say. But more posts might be coming soon. Keep checking. Thank you. And yeah, it's probably emptier. My post is long, so that's probably why too. And gay love is just as complicated, because one has to understand both partners and the things gay men go through due to society, which kinda ****s us up. I just want to be happy, but I'll be happy by myself.
Author Collegeguy4948 Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 Okay, so after looking up online, I honestly believe he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I told him about it, but he is refusing to talk to me because of his ex. He said they're dating again. I feel like my heart is going to explode, yet I only feel bad for him because he'll never be happy if he doesn't get help. It's hard for them to get help though...
justwhoiam Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Don't take him back after they split up again.
Author Collegeguy4948 Posted October 2, 2012 Author Posted October 2, 2012 I miss him. I want to talk to him and make him comfort me, but I think that' sonly because of the whole thing being sudden. I just miss him in my life, so much :/ I feel like in a way, he was my best friend. At the same time though, he hasn't had the decency to talk to me because he will put everything for his boyfriend.
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