carguy88 Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 Hi everybody, i'm having a bit of a personal dilemma and figured I would ask for some advice. First off a little bit of background on myself. I'm young divorced guy with two small children. My son is six and I had him with a girlfriend in highschool, it was a drunken fling doomed to fail but I wouldn't trade the little guy for the world. My three year old daughter is from my ex-wife of three years and she is the light of my life. I met a girl through some mutual friends about ten months back and even though she lives 100 miles away from me she was pretty cool and I enjoyed spending time with her. There is another factor to this problem though. She was six months pregnant when I met her, which wasn't a problem for me. I love her little girl like one of my own and it makes the distance even harder on me. About four months back I was offered a position at a new company so I took it because the hours were good and the pay was even better . My son recently started first grade and plays sports and we enjoy going fishing all the time, my daughter has started pre-k and has little activities and programs as well. Things recently started booming at work and I have been working substantial overtime with no end in sight for at least the next two years. I haven't been able to go see my girlfriend or her daughter for two months now and it's eating at me. I will not drop an ounce of time spent with children and finding another career is not an option seeing how I purchased a new home a year ago. Sorry this is so long winded but I just don't have any other outlets to vent or get advice lol. Both of my children live 30 miles away from me in opposite directions so I burn some fuel lol. Anyways, the girlfriend offers to drive down and see me on occasion instead of me driving there but it always seems I get called for overtime or my grandparents need my help in some way on the days she wants to come down. See says she understands that I am so busy with my kiddos but every now and then I get a slight feeling that she is starting to resent it. I'm fairly trusting with her even though she has some friends that are straight up bar sluts (not accusations, I have witnessed them going home with random guys at least three times...in one week.) that beg her to go drinking every weekend. She has a few good guy friends that try a little too hard, she says they are just awesome friends, but i'm trusting not naive in the slightest bit lol. None of these things have made me give a second thought until a buddy of mine was surfing match.com and low and behold found her profile that had been checked in the past week according to match. I didn't accuse her or anything just stated I didn't know she had a match account. When I mentioned it though she didn't freak out or say anything really except that it was an old one and she had "deleted" it when we started dating. When I asked though I could tell she got a tiny bit nervous so now it has me curious. Ever since that day I have thought constantly about breaking it off because for some reason I see no future with her (I do still love her though). It wouldn't be so hard but now I feel like some bastard abandoning her daughter and I feel like the mutual friends may see it like that as well because they kept telling me it would never work because she has a kid. Anyways I was wondering if anyone has any insight on the matter. I know a decision needs to be made because I can tell I have withdrawn from her a bit since I started thinking about it all. Any pointers, advice, insight is greatly appreciated.
todreaminblue Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 Hi everybody, i'm having a bit of a personal dilemma and figured I would ask for some advice. First off a little bit of background on myself. I'm young divorced guy with two small children. My son is six and I had him with a girlfriend in highschool, it was a drunken fling doomed to fail but I wouldn't trade the little guy for the world. My three year old daughter is from my ex-wife of three years and she is the light of my life. I met a girl through some mutual friends about ten months back and even though she lives 100 miles away from me she was pretty cool and I enjoyed spending time with her. There is another factor to this problem though. She was six months pregnant when I met her, which wasn't a problem for me. I love her little girl like one of my own and it makes the distance even harder on me. About four months back I was offered a position at a new company so I took it because the hours were good and the pay was even better . My son recently started first grade and plays sports and we enjoy going fishing all the time, my daughter has started pre-k and has little activities and programs as well. Things recently started booming at work and I have been working substantial overtime with no end in sight for at least the next two years. I haven't been able to go see my girlfriend or her daughter for two months now and it's eating at me. I will not drop an ounce of time spent with children and finding another career is not an option seeing how I purchased a new home a year ago. Sorry this is so long winded but I just don't have any other outlets to vent or get advice lol. Both of my children live 30 miles away from me in opposite directions so I burn some fuel lol. Anyways, the girlfriend offers to drive down and see me on occasion instead of me driving there but it always seems I get called for overtime or my grandparents need my help in some way on the days she wants to come down. See says she understands that I am so busy with my kiddos but every now and then I get a slight feeling that she is starting to resent it. I'm fairly trusting with her even though she has some friends that are straight up bar sluts (not accusations, I have witnessed them going home with random guys at least three times...in one week.) that beg her to go drinking every weekend. She has a few good guy friends that try a little too hard, she says they are just awesome friends, but i'm trusting not naive in the slightest bit lol. None of these things have made me give a second thought until a buddy of mine was surfing match.com and low and behold found her profile that had been checked in the past week according to match. I didn't accuse her or anything just stated I didn't know she had a match account. When I mentioned it though she didn't freak out or say anything really except that it was an old one and she had "deleted" it when we started dating. When I asked though I could tell she got a tiny bit nervous so now it has me curious. Ever since that day I have thought constantly about breaking it off because for some reason I see no future with her (I do still love her though). It wouldn't be so hard but now I feel like some bastard abandoning her daughter and I feel like the mutual friends may see it like that as well because they kept telling me it would never work because she has a kid. Anyways I was wondering if anyone has any insight on the matter. I know a decision needs to be made because I can tell I have withdrawn from her a bit since I started thinking about it all. Any pointers, advice, insight is greatly appreciated. I joined dating sites and now have totally forgotten which ones i joined..pass words etc....cant be bothered thinking about them so i just dont go on them which is probably not a good thing they are out there.....if someone were to point out to me they knew i had these accounts it would make me uncomfortable because i dont even check them out.....why would they check them out it would be much better if they ask me what they need to know? Having dating profiles doesnt mean anything, i am sure my sister put me out there too who knows....i dont care because i am not using them the one i was using i shut down..just to give you a different perspective i dont know how your girl thinks or feels.....this is just a perspective that i have.....deb
justwhoiam Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 Why did you break the marriage with your ex wife?
Author carguy88 Posted September 30, 2012 Author Posted September 30, 2012 Your focusing on the wrong thing. It is her dating profile, it was active and being paid for monthly. If you get nervous because your boyfriend ask you why you have a paid for dating profile that says single and looking then that means you just got busted at something you know you shouldn't have in my opinion lol. She won't move, she has a steady career, family, and friends there. I know this because she has roughly mentioned that she loves it there and can't see living anywhere else. I divorced my wife because I found out she was having a continuing relationship with an ex-boyfriend and i'm a firm believer in if they do it once they will do it again. That's from experience a well.
justwhoiam Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 You clearly chose the wrong women and had babies with them. Here we can only hear your version of the story. If you're so intolerant and unforgiving to the point you wouldn't give a second chance to anyone, your current girlfriend is not for you, obviously. So you need to break up with her. My advice: - Always remember you are not perfect. - Don't rush headlong into anything. - Concentrate on your job and children. It goes without saying that finding a woman for you won't be easy. She'll have to accept that you have two children from two different women, and they are your priorities, always. She'll have to adapt to your schedule and probably move to your place. Being young (are you 24?) and with children from different women doesn't put you in a favorable light, so to speak. Ask yourself why a woman should be with you, what you can give her and the relationship, in short what you have to offer, and what you expect in return.
Author carguy88 Posted September 30, 2012 Author Posted September 30, 2012 You clearly chose the wrong women and had babies with them. Here we can only hear your version of the story. If you're so intolerant and unforgiving to the point you wouldn't give a second chance to anyone, your current girlfriend is not for you, obviously. So you need to break up with her. My advice: - Always remember you are not perfect. - Don't rush headlong into anything. - Concentrate on your job and children. It goes without saying that finding a woman for you won't be easy. She'll have to accept that you have two children from two different women, and they are your priorities, always. She'll have to adapt to your schedule and probably move to your place. Being young (are you 24?) and with children from different women doesn't put you in a favorable light, so to speak. Ask yourself why a woman should be with you, what you can give her and the relationship, in short what you have to offer, and what you expect in return. Just wow, it is obvious i'm not going to get much help i guess . First off just because we ended up not being compatible in the long run doesn't mean I had children with the wrong people. I would not trade them for the world along with everything that led up to me having them. I wouldn't be so quick to judge on your part about if I am too intolerant. Having two children does not put me in an unfavorable light with anyone, that is your opinion but that is intolerant and judgmental on your part. I do not need to ask myself why a woman should be with me either because that is beside the point. Why should any man be with you? Honest question and has as much of a bearing on the situation. I am not perfect and neither is anyone else for that matter, everyone does make mistakes. If your significant other cheats on you and you ask them to make a choice, their family or the other person, and they hesitate that doesn't make you intolerant. It makes you a doormat. There is no need for any other version of a story, I have made no accusations towards any of my ex's or my current girlfriend for that matter as all I was giving was the general background story. What I offer and want in return in a relationship is the same as anyone else. Mutual respect and mutual effort, if a spouse cheats on you then that means that have no respect for you or their children at all, I know people can argue against that but ultimately it is true.
Balzac Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 It reads to me that you are primarily dealing with a time & energy investment in your early career life cycle. Fortunately for you this opportunity presented itself during a bad economic cycle. Many would tell you how fortunate you are to have the steady income and a new house. How a new romantic partner files with, fits into or benefits from your career development is on her. My thought is that you focus on your kids, career and self. A two year commitment to career is relatively short. Many guys your age are looking at 5-7 years of massive hours. Her personal lifestyle choices are what they are. Her child in your hierarchy of obligations is by necessity lower rank than your own children, your personal development, financial security and extended aged family members. Putting forth life sustaining efforts to a natural relationship demise seems very short sighted. Just my view. 1
LittleTiger Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like you have a future with his girl if neither of you is ever going to be willing or able to move. You both seem to have a lot of commitments that don't involve one another. There is nothing wrong with enjoying the relationship for what it is, except that she has a young child and, the child forming a strong attachment to you would be a bad thing if the relationship is 'just for fun'. I don't think it matters what mutual friends think. It is your life and you have other obligations so it's far better to call it off now than in two years (by which time the child will be calling you Daddy). So what if they say 'I told you so'. Just agree with them and say you have learned your lesson. Nobody is perfect! Regarding her online profile. I would assume she is still dating other guys. In which case, you have good reason to call it off without anyone pointing the finger. Good luck! 1
justwhoiam Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 just because we ended up not being compatible in the long run doesn't mean I had children with the wrong people. If that is your pov, I say: wear a condom or use some other form of BC.
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