LotusProphecy Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 My boyfriend and I have been together for fourteen years. Because of my family situation (chronically ill family member that I care for), we don't live together, but we see each other every day and spend a lot of time together. Long story short, I am a very self-centered person. I am selfish, and uncaring about others. Usually I only think about what I want, and doing what I want, without thinking about how it will affect other people. My boyfriend is a wonderful, caring person, who is very selfless and giving. We have struggled for many years to try and help me become less selfish. I will try for a couple of months, but inevitably slide back into being selfish and only thinking about myself again. I usually end up hurting my boyfriend, because I kind of steamroll over him and his feelings with my selfishness. I'm trying to change that this time, by doing the right thing in each situation, rather than just trying to tell myself "I'll change". Months ago, we heard a friend was getting married and we were both invited to the wedding. Off and on I would mention to my boyfriend that we needed to book a flight and hotel room and he kept putting it off and seemed to be unwilling to forward me the wedding info so I could do it myself. A couple of weeks ago, we had a pretty bad argument. I had gotten REALLY selfish again and I hurt his feelings quite badly by basically being a jerk to him. At that point, he said that he did not want to go to the wedding with me, and that I could contact our friend if I wanted to go seperately. Basically, he broke up with me and said he would deal with the social awkwardness of telling our friends at the wedding that we were no longer together. We spent a few days apart, then got back together and talked things over. We agreed to try and mend things, and help me become a better person. However, nothing more was said about the friend's wedding. I never contacted the friend myself, because I didn't want to say something awkward, especially after my boyfriend and I patched things up. At one point I said "Can I go with you to our friend's wedding?" and he made a noncommittal kind of "ehhhhh" sound that I took to mean "we'll see", but he didn't bring it up again. The wedding is now two weeks away and I don't know if my boyfriend got himself a ticket/hotel, if he booked tickets/hotel for the two of us, or if he hasn't booked anything at all. I really need to ASK him about it, so I can make plans if I need to. But I don't know if my boyfriend is still sticking with "I said I didn't want to go to the wedding with you", even though we've been getting along well and talking about things since then. So, I need to ask him about what's going to happen in two weeks. However, everything I come up with in my head sounds terribly selfish - and frankly, it IS selfish. "Am I going with you to our friend's wedding?" - things like that. Obviously I am asking him because I WANT to go, without thinking about what HE wants/how HE feels about it. I don't KNOW how he feels, at this point, about me going to the wedding. I don't know how to ask, or what to say, that isn't selfish. Should I not say anything and just assume he doesn't want me to go with him? Should I bring it up by asking "Have you made plans for our friend's wedding?" What's the right thing to do in this situation?
GG3 Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 Give examples of how you are selfish. I'm not seeing that yet.
CC12 Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 So, I need to ask him about what's going to happen in two weeks. However, everything I come up with in my head sounds terribly selfish - and frankly, it IS selfish. It's not selfish to want to know what the plans are regarding an event you were both invited to, especially the kind of event that you're supposed to RSVP to if asked to do so. You need to know whether you are going or not so you can tell the couple yourself if you'll be attending. Weddings aren't really a "drop by if you can make it" type of deal. Did you guys RSVP at all? You admit that you're selfish, so I'll take your word on that, but in this case, I think your boyfriend is the one being unfair here, because he keeps blowing you off about it and stringing you along. He either doesn't want you to go and won't just tell you that, or he's procrastinating and making this situation difficult for you. I think it would be fine to ask, "Have you made plans for our friend's wedding?" or "Am I going with you to our friend's wedding?" These are basic questions that should not offend or annoy him. If he does get annoyed, then maybe you should rethink characterizing yourself as selfish, and maybe start considering the possibility that your boyfriend is overly harsh on you. Honestly, I found it a little strange that you describe him as a wonderful, caring, selfless person, while you describe yourself as uncaring, self-centered, and selfish. And that you both have struggled for years to "help [you] become less selfish" and that you got back together to "help [you] become a better person" as if you're a project to work on. I've seen this in many abusive relationships, where one person is led to believe that they are always wrong, everything is always their fault, and that they need "fixing" somehow. I'm not saying this is definitely going on in your relationship, but your post raised some red flags for me so I just wanted to point it out to you. Something to think about.
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