nightonthesun1234 Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 So. He broke up with me two months ago after two years together. I was devastated at first, but was slowly moving forward, even thinking I was ready to try dating other guys. Then out of the blue, he texts me about two weeks ago. Making casual conversation, and saying he'd hate it if we never spoke again (I actually posted a thread about it). It was casual, and I'd randomly get texts from him about random stuff until yesterday, when he invited me to go to an event thing for the university we both attend. We met up there, and it was a fun time. It was honestly just like hanging out with a friend. We had conversation like nothing happened. The night ended with him saying he was so glad we could hang out again, and referencing doing other things together in the near future. Ever since, I've been feeling a mix of emotions. I thought I was more over it than I am, because part of me was hoping he'd make a move, or at least talk about things. Instead, he acted like nothing ever happened between us, even after being so cruel and dealing several "low blows" when we were breaking up. I don't understand how he can be like this, but I guess that shows he's completely over me? Both emotionally and physically? If that's the case, I don't understand why he'd even reach out to me or want me in his life at all. I had no plans to ever speak to him again. If he's done, shouldn't he be completely DONE?
Million.to.1 Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 I don't think how he feels should come into it. Dumpers usually want to relieve their guilt, and by "being friends" and the dumpee accepting this, they are relieved of that guilt. If you had feelings that arose and your healing has been set back since seeing him, don't do it again. 2 months is no way long enough to be "moved on" and ready to hang as friends. Give it 2 years. What he wanted from this meet-up is for you to show that you are completely over him, so that he felt free to move on. His guilt is what he is trying to heal from and you gave him the right to do so by playing along. Now he is feeling much better, and you are feeling worse. I don't know what you expected. Of course this would have set you back.
Author nightonthesun1234 Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 I don't think how he feels should come into it. Dumpers usually want to relieve their guilt, and by "being friends" and the dumpee accepting this, they are relieved of that guilt. If you had feelings that arose and your healing has been set back since seeing him, don't do it again. 2 months is no way long enough to be "moved on" and ready to hang as friends. Give it 2 years. What he wanted from this meet-up is for you to show that you are completely over him, so that he felt free to move on. His guilt is what he is trying to heal from and you gave him the right to do so by playing along. Now he is feeling much better, and you are feeling worse. I don't know what you expected. Of course this would have set you back. I guess I never looked at it that way. I was expecting more, but didn't acknowledge it until I actually saw him. I see where you're coming from, him wanting to relieve his guilt. Yet, I had friendly conversations with him over text, so I assumed if that's really all he wanted, he didn't have to actually see me to no longer feel guilty. Part of me wants to see if maybe he feels the same way and maybe we can talk about things, but I don't even know how to go about that, because he could be very well over it
TaraMaiden Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 nots1234, I think it would help you to read the "All-New Caliguy No Contact Guide" in my signature. Every question you asked in the first post, has not only been succinctly answered by Million.to.1 but is also addressed in slightly more detail, in that link. Everything he did was to appease his guilt, not to make you feel better. Yup. Read away, learn, and move on. Sorry you had to go through that to find this all out, but - well, now you know.....
Author nightonthesun1234 Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 nots1234, I think it would help you to read the "All-New Caliguy No Contact Guide" in my signature. Every question you asked in the first post, has not only been succinctly answered by Million.to.1 but is also addressed in slightly more detail, in that link. Everything he did was to appease his guilt, not to make you feel better. Yup. Read away, learn, and move on. Sorry you had to go through that to find this all out, but - well, now you know..... Thanks for the reply. I wish I would have been strong enough to ignore him completely when he first broke NC. It was wishful thinking I guess. I was doing well when we weren't talking and I hope I can recover and just continue to move forward. I was thinking of contacting him to tell him I don't want to be friends or speak to him again, but instead can I just assume now that he feels better, I won't be hearing from him anymore?
Regrets58 Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Had the same thing.Ex pursued me for "friendship",was very persistent. Texting and turning up at my house unexpectedly. Fell for it and ended up with months of false hope/breadcrumbs. We would have trips out,go shopping together,nights out. She cooked for me,I still saw her family,even a w/e away camping. Gradually dawned on me that "friendship"was all it would ever be. Began to mess badly with my mind and had to go NC. Never amounted to anything(she is with someone else now) and cost me months of anguish. Follow in my footsteps by all means,however I wouldn't recommend it!
TaraMaiden Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 Thanks for the reply. I wish I would have been strong enough to ignore him completely when he first broke NC. It was wishful thinking I guess. I was doing well when we weren't talking and I hope I can recover and just continue to move forward. I was thinking of contacting him to tell him I don't want to be friends or speak to him again, but instead can I just assume now that he feels better, I won't be hearing from him anymore? No, you can never assume anything of the kind. Once he knows that he can yank your chain, get a response to his breadcrumbs and that it appears you've accepted the "Heeeyyyy! We can be good buddies now!" line, there is every good possibility he will do it again. Let's make one thing clear: This isn't a conscious strategy. He - or any dumper - doesn't necessarily calculate ways to do this, or is even conscious that this is their motivation. It's subliminal. They don't deliberately think "I want to make sure we're on buddy level, because it would make me feel so much better about having dumped his/her ass... I feel guilty about that, so if I can friends-zone them, at least I won't then feel so bad." However, that is precisely what it is. And sometimes, just sometimes - it is a conscious plan. Unfortunately for you, this has brought him right to the forefront of your mind. So effectively - sad to say - because NC has been broken - big time - THIS: This is DAY ONE. Count from here. Read the NC Guide until you have the words imprinted so well in your mind you can see them with your eyes shut. heck, print them off, and paste a copy on the walls of every room where you live. Repeat this mantra over and over, "No Contact means never having to say you're sorry". Send him a brief text: "I would like us to remain in No Contact. Please do not contact me again unless it's to suggest we make a really concerted effort to try again. Otherwise, barring genuine emergencies, please respect my request." Then take all the measures you need to block his number and email, and do not - repeat, do NOT respond, reply or react to anything else he communicates - unless it's "Can we make a concerted effort to try again?" Start again, time to hit the heal-road.... Day One. And if her really wants to get that message to you - then he will.
Sugarkane Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 No offense but I would've even bothered meeting him. If he feels guilt thats his problem. Dumpers don't care at all about us. Why should we? 1
Pacman Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 No offense but I would've even bothered meeting him. If he feels guilt thats his problem. Dumpers don't care at all about us. Why should we? Beautiful.
NoMoreJerks Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Had the same thing.Ex pursued me for "friendship",was very persistent. Texting and turning up at my house unexpectedly. Fell for it and ended up with months of false hope/breadcrumbs. We would have trips out,go shopping together,nights out. She cooked for me,I still saw her family,even a w/e away camping. Gradually dawned on me that "friendship"was all it would ever be. Began to mess badly with my mind and had to go NC. Never amounted to anything(she is with someone else now) and cost me months of anguish. Follow in my footsteps by all means,however I wouldn't recommend it! Wait, what? Are you serious? OMG. Hm. So, out of curiosity, during this time that you went shopping together, etc., did you actually also sleep together? I am wondering because I am kinda facing a similar situation with the ex, where he initially said he wantd to be friends, then said something akin to wanting to give our relationship another try, and when he comes back to my city, we will probably be hanging out most days, going shopping together, grabbing dinner/food, cooking at home, etc. I'm just wondering if I'm gonna end up being used as a friend to fill the void in his life, and give him free sex, without realizing i'm being used.
Regrets58 Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Hi NoMoreJerks,sadly no sex that would have been very nice though! We did hug and she would kiss me on the mouth(something she stopped doing towards end of R!).Sharing a double airbed for 3 nights was surreal. Will never really understand what went through her head. She obviously still liked me,just not enough to stay in R. Probably using me for support whilst she launched herself into singledom! Who knows! Was a weird time and until I found this site,thought I was only one to experience it. Don't enter into something similar,unless you enjoy anguish lol!
antelope82 Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 been dealing with this type of thing myself. 3 months ago was when she broke up with me (had ring in hand too). after about 5 weeks of very limited contact, we started to hang out and talk again through some circumstances, and even though she was sorta seeing some other guy, she hung out with me, slept with me a few times, and then we did more couples type things. and it got weird this past weekend for me. didnt expect me to feel it at all because i thought i had gotten it out of my system but it came rushing back after spending two full quality days and nights with her in a row. i had to end it and trying to go back to limited to no contact again now. it was fine when i didnt see her much except for a couple hours every couple days, but the feeling came back when we spent a lot of time together, a lot of happy, fun time, together.
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