cdt76 Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Ok. I was on here years ago due to an extreme anger issue with an ex girlfriend who cheated on me with a co-worker of my own. It was a very trying time and I lost both trust, friends and eventually moved out of that office all together. I moved to a city 3.5 hours away and it just so happened that I started talking to a girl in the old city at the same time. That was back in April/May of this year. She had a baby in July. SO yes, she was pregnant when we started dating. Everything has been great up until Wednesday of this week. Suddenly, she doesn't text me or call me in the evening or morning like she normally does. (I go see her every weekend) so we are pretty close. So, Wednesday night, Thursday morning go by and I get 2 texts from her all day until 5 p.m. when she calls me and tells me the baby daddy came by to "see the baby". Then he is back all night and she texts me at 11 p.m. I gotta be honest, I know what is going on, question is should I blow up and start an argument or just walk away. There is the slight chance she didn't do anything with him but I'm not one to put stock in that chance. She has to maintain contact with the guy because he basically supports her with money at the moment. I know...I'm an idiot for getting involved in this. So, if you have any advice, be gentle. I'm already so pissed off I couldn't sleep last night. Oh and I'm supposed to go see her tonight and go to a wedding with her tomorrow.
amaysngrace Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Ask her how she feels about the guy. She may still love him or she may not like him at all. Did you ever have that conversation with her? 1
Author cdt76 Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 Yes, she says she can't stand him, that he makes her ill. I believe her in that. However, I also believe she would do just about anything to get child support from the guy. I've told her to meet him in a public place for visitation or with family present but up to this point she won't. She said in her last text that she doesn't text me while he is around because she doesn't want to "hear his ****". Well, I don't care what he thinks and if there is no funny business going on then she shouldn't care either.
amaysngrace Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 However, I also believe she would do just about anything to get child support from the guy. She doesn't have to do anything special...just go to her local courthouse and file a motion. She should also file for custody if she hasn't done that already.
TMichaels Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Just curious... After your "extreme anger issue years ago" did you ever speak to anyone about that problem as in seeing a counselor or participating in an anger management class? If so, were there any coping skills you could draw on to help you deal with your current situation? If not, why not consider seeking out the same kind of assistance, now -- especially if this woman means a lot to you or hope to have a healthy relationship with another? Best, TMichaels
Author cdt76 Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 Believe me, I've tried to get her to move on this. I even took her to the Division of Family Services to get it done. Well, she had already done it and needed to call and find out what has been going on and she has not even made the phone call this week.....SHE'S HAD ALL WEEK TO MAKE ONE FREAKING PHONE CALL!
Author cdt76 Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 TMichaels, I was in counselling for several months after the incident and have actually been very very stable and comfortable for the past 3 years and it's gotten even better since I moved out of that office and to a different city. Believe me, my emotional/depression issues are behind me, however the mistrust is DEFINITELY still around and though I've taken a hands off approach on this issue to date, I think it's time that the gloves come off. Reason I say that is because yes, I've fallen for her and getting hurt again is not a high priority for me.
amaysngrace Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 I think you're putting yourself into a situation that you really don't belong in as it really isn't any of your business. However if she is relying on you for support of this baby then it most definitely is. So do you buy diapers or formula? If not, butt out. It's not your business.
Author cdt76 Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 AMAYSNGRACE, so my suspicions of her sleeping with another man are none of my business?
amaysngrace Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 AMAYSNGRACE, so my suspicions of her sleeping with another man are none of my business? That is your business but getting on her about not making a phone call isn't unless you have to support the baby. I don't understand why you got involved with a pregnant girl when you had to clearly know there would be another guy in the picture in some regard. But here you are so you need to deal with it. Find out how she feels about the guy and flat out ask her if she slept with him if you want. If you approach her nicely about it and let her know your fears of being hurt you will be more likely to get the answers you're looking for. If you come across as pissed off you will put her on the defensive and are likely to get nowhere.
Author cdt76 Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 True, and I agree. However, there is a side of me that needs her to see how serious I am and being Mr. Nice is not going to convey that message....at least I don't think it will.
amaysngrace Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 True, and I agree. However, there is a side of me that needs her to see how serious I am and being Mr. Nice is not going to convey that message....at least I don't think it will. She will see what she sees. You have no control over that, other than what you show her. Show her that you have feelings of being hurt, not just angry. Be sweet, kind and caring rather than angry, bitter and controlling. You will be much more attractive that way. 1
TMichaels Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Believe me, my emotional/depression issues are behind me, however the mistrust is DEFINITELY still around and though I've taken a hands off approach on this issue to date, I think it's time that the gloves come off. Reason I say that is because yes, I've fallen for her and getting hurt again is not a high priority for me. Good to hear you got some counseling after the last incident and that you've been doing well. However, I'd be careful about thinking "things are stable" and everything's "behind you." It's possible in the three years since you sought help you just hadn't encountered the right combination of triggers -- but you may well have, now. I'd also caution you about thinking "taking control" of the situation will ensure you won't get hurt. Imposing your will on another person will not help you cope with your trust issues nor protect your heart. In fact, it will most likely will increase the likelihood of both. Perhaps your level of anger, distrust and need for control in your personal life is less than before, but the tone of your posts here belie that. IOW, I think it might be time for a visit or phone call to your old therapist -- or to seek out a new one where you live now as clearly this woman/relationship has pushed some of your buttons -- not all of them in a positive way. If you truly want to make a go of it with this new woman you owe to yourself (and her and her newborn baby) to get some outside and qualified advice and guidance now, instead of making a mess of an already very complicated situation by thinking you're infallible. Best, TMichaels 1
amaysngrace Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 I think it's time that the gloves come off. What do you mean by this?
Author cdt76 Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 Thank you both for your kind words and wisdom. I see what you are saying, however, walking the walk is a lot more difficult, considering the feelings of mistrust and her lack of motivation to take any of my suggestions to heart, for example, meeting in a public place. How can I trust her if she doesn't show some sign that she understands that the appearance of impropriety is rampant and that just doing small things to respect me would go a long way to solidifying this relationship? I dont' want to control her, however I do want her to respect me. The feelings I have would be multiplied by a 1000 in her if I were doing what she is. I mean, consider this scenerio and how odd it would sound coming from me: Me and my ex girlfriend have a puppy and we share custody. Well, I've missed the dog a lot lately and I have been going over to her place to see the dog and I haven't been texting or calling my girlfriend because I didn't want to upset my ex or hear crap from her about the girl I'm dating currently. And yes, I may or may not have spent the night there this week because she was giving me some money to cover veterinarian expenses I incurred last week. I use a puppy in this scenerio because he cares as much about the baby as I do a dog. Now if I was telling my girlfriend this story, how likely is she to believe it? And how upset do you think she would be? I guess my question now is given the unrealistic nature of this story, why am I not allowed to be upset or angry or hurt? Why do I have to turn the other cheek and not get aggravated for this kind of disrespect of me and our relationship? I suppose I'm not asking for permission to feel the way I do because my feelings, at least in my mind, are justified. My reaction to the situation is not yet known. Odd, though that it's almost 11 a.m. and I haven't hear a peep from her. In the end, I'll probably take your advice and simply gauge her response to my calm and controlled hesitation to believe that she didn't have innappropriate relations with him this week. In the end, I'll listen to her and see if I believer her and is she is sincere.
amaysngrace Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 You sound clearer. I totally understand why you feel concerned about their meeting. Something sounds off to me too and you have every right to feel as though something isn't right. Especially now that she's blowing you off again, or so it seems. I agree that it's pretty disrespectful. But here's a thought. Why not just let her be for now? Make plans for tonight that don't include her and go do something for yourself instead? If she knows you will be there whenever she says jump she could easily become disrespectful and take you for granted. Why not adapt a more "whatever" type of attitude for now? Recognize that there are things you have control over and those you do not? You can't make anybody respect you...all you can do is be your best and then you'll be able to respect yourself. That's much more important.
justwhoiam Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 So, you start dating a 6-month pregnant girl. She has the baby and your relationship with her goes on. 1. What was the deal between the two of you? 2. Do you have plans with her or is it just a day-by-day thing? 3. How do you feel about the baby? 4. Do you see yourself living with her and the baby at some point in time? 5. Does she have a family who supports her, even if just psychologically? Like mother, father, sister, etc? If not, or regardless of any external support she has, did it ever cross your mind that she might like you being there for her, as she could have someone/a man by her side? 6. How does she really feel about you? Are you at stage "we're getting to know each other and being cautious" or "we love one another, we found our soulmate"? So these are the questions you need to face, not "did she sleep with her child's father?"
justwhoiam Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 P.S. Don't ever compare a dog to a child, unless you're talking to some woman who could care less about children. I'm not underestimating dogs or life in general. I had dogs myself. But this is my advice. P.P.S. Life during pregnancy and early months after childbirth can be tough. 20% of women go through baby blues. So pay attention to possible signs. At times, it's just stress and the baby can totally suck the mother's brain. So don't put all that emphasis on a phone call. It's not like she's sunbathing at the Bahamas.
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