clara1 Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 A little over 2 months ago I started talking to this guy via message on the website where I found him. We talked there for 2 days until I got up the courage to give him my phone number. He called me on a sunday night and we talked for 2 hours. It was a good conversation and we got along pretty good. We hung up with a talk to you later....Now i'm not naive and did not hold my breath on us talking again. The next morning he sent me a text saying good morning, that night he called me again and we talked for 5 hours. That first week we talked on the phone for a good 20 hours total. We talked about everything under the sun, and he let me know that he wanted to take things slow because frankly relationships that start with sex never work out, and I completely agree. Now, we live about 2 1/2 hours apart, so getting together on the spur of the moment is not possible, but I found I had to be in his town to take a test and I let him know I was coming down there. We made plans to finally meet face to face. We had a great weekend, we talked, we laughed, we just hung out. He spent the weekend with me at the hotel, but nothing happened. We have plans to get together again next weekend. When I got back home, we have continued to talk, pretty much the same way we always did. He works 2 jobs and I understand that he is not always available to text me so I usually only text him when I know he is not at work. Three days ago, he sent me a text in the morning asking me if i slept well and I have not heard another word from him. I responded of course and asked him how he slept. I have sent other messages and he is not responding at all. If we are getting along so well, why just stop texting me and quit responding? This is totally not like him. Any advice?
kassy Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Call him at a time that is likely convenient to him. And when he answers just chat normally, don't start out pissed off or demanding what's wrong. If something big has come up he will tell you. And if he's trying to blow you off that will be obvious too. Don't text any more right now!
Author clara1 Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 So an update on this issue. He did finally text me back. He has been busy moving. Ok I get that that takes a lot of time. We got together again over the weekend of the 6th. It was a great weekend. I felt like we took another step forward, as he actually kissed me this time. However, we were supposed to get together on the saturday night too when he got off work and he never showed. He sent me a text sunday afternoon saying he had gotten sick at work and went home early. He called me sunday night and we talked for a bit. Now I think things went very well over the weekend, but apparently I am alone in that because it has now once again been 3 days since I have heard from him. I am not texting him anymore, ball is in his court so to speak.
geegirl Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 So an update on this issue. He did finally text me back. He has been busy moving. Ok I get that that takes a lot of time. We got together again over the weekend of the 6th. It was a great weekend. I felt like we took another step forward, as he actually kissed me this time. However, we were supposed to get together on the saturday night too when he got off work and he never showed. He sent me a text sunday afternoon saying he had gotten sick at work and went home early. He called me sunday night and we talked for a bit. Now I think things went very well over the weekend, but apparently I am alone in that because it has now once again been 3 days since I have heard from him. I am not texting him anymore, ball is in his court so to speak. Busy moving? If he has a minute to take a piss and five to dump, he can text while on the pot and say he is moving and busy and will contact soon. Why do people fall for such lame excuses? Im sure he had time to eat? I'm sure he had time to take a 10 minute break? I'm sure had time for the restroom? He had gotten sick and went home early. If he could manouver a vehicle while being ill to take his butt home, he could have texted and said something. Such disrespect to leave you hanging and call you the next day? Now, three days have passed and the pattern persists. What are you not getting or seeing? Rather than ball is in his court, stop sitting around waiting for Round 4. 3
liquid_amber Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Busy moving? If he has a minute to take a piss and five to dump, he can text while on the pot and say he is moving and busy and will contact soon. Why do people fall for such lame excuses? Im sure he had time to eat? I'm sure he had time to take a 10 minute break? I'm sure had time for the restroom? He had gotten sick and went home early. If he could manouver a vehicle while being ill to take his butt home, he could have texted and said something. Such disrespect to leave you hanging and call you the next day? Now, three days have passed and the pattern persists. What are you not getting or seeing? Rather than ball is in his court, stop sitting around waiting for Round 4. i agree. i've never understood why a person can't take just a few seconds to pick up a phone. even back in the old days when you had to use a landline phone or a pay phone, i never understood because there was always a phone available. nowadays it's even easier since everyone has a phone on them at all times. there is no excuse for someone leaving you hanging like that. it sounds to me like he wants to keep you at arm's length.
Author clara1 Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 Thanks guys. This is one reason it has taken me so long to get back in to dating.
geegirl Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 it sounds to me like he wants to keep you at arm's length. That is exactly what he's doing. Keep her close enough to get what he wants i.e. kiss and soon sex but far enough that there is no progression. You can date OP but you have to be smart. See a red flag. Get out. Next. He exhibited a number of red flags and you kept making excuses. Date smart and have boundaries. Don't sit around and settle. You have to go through toad after toad until you find that one. Just don't settle for the first toad that comes along.
Author clara1 Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 That is exactly what he's doing. Keep her close enough to get what he wants i.e. kiss and soon sex but far enough that there is no progression. You can date OP but you have to be smart. See a red flag. Get out. Next. He exhibited a number of red flags and you kept making excuses. Date smart and have boundaries. Don't sit around and settle. You have to go through toad after toad until you find that one. Just don't settle for the first toad that comes along. I have been through several toads, I thought he was the one. We talked constantly for almost two months, every day. I am seeing the red flags, I guess I just thought he was going to be different after the conversations we have had about what we want from a relationship. I see now that he is just like all the rest of the guys I have dealt with and just said what needed to be said at the time. Time to put the walls back up!!!
geegirl Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 I have been through several toads, I thought he was the one. We talked constantly for almost two months, every day. I am seeing the red flags, I guess I just thought he was going to be different after the conversations we have had about what we want from a relationship. I see now that he is just like all the rest of the guys I have dealt with and just said what needed to be said at the time. Time to put the walls back up!!! I'm 41 and have had a toad fest. Finally met a guy that's genuine. Conversations are easy. Bunch of words people want to hear. Actions matter. Words mean nothing. If the words don't match the action, red flag. Besides, you talked for two months and spoke about your expectations of a relationship? Meet the guy first. Get to know him. Go on dates. See if his words match action. Then decide if he is relationship worthy. You did it backwards. People can talk up a storm and promise you the world, it doesn't always mean that it's true. Don't let the walls come up. Just keep the boundaries in place.
Author clara1 Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 I'm 41 and have had a toad fest. Finally met a guy that's genuine. Conversations are easy. Bunch of words people want to hear. Actions matter. Words mean nothing. If the words don't match the action, red flag. Besides, you talked for two months and spoke about your expectations of a relationship? Meet the guy first. Get to know him. Go on dates. See if his words match action. Then decide if he is relationship worthy. You did it backwards. People can talk up a storm and promise you the world, it doesn't always mean that it's true. Don't let the walls come up. Just keep the boundaries in place. Im 41 also, and i hear ya on the toad fest. I have met him, we have spent two weekends together. His actions did match his words. He is very sweet in person. Its his actions since the last meeting that do not match his words. Heck I dont know. This whole thing has given me a huge headache and frankly its out of my hands now anyway. I know I can not make him talk to me and its how I handle it if he ever does text/call me again that will make or break it/me. I know that, what I dont know at the point is if I want to give him another chance or write him off.
geegirl Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Im 41 also, and i hear ya on the toad fest. I have met him, we have spent two weekends together. His actions did match his words. He is very sweet in person. Its his actions since the last meeting that do not match his words. Heck I dont know. This whole thing has given me a huge headache and frankly its out of my hands now anyway. I know I can not make him talk to me and its how I handle it if he ever does text/call me again that will make or break it/me. I know that, what I dont know at the point is if I want to give him another chance or write him off. I'll say this. You teach people how to treat you. You've taught him that he can ignore you and keep you hanging and you are perfectly okay with it. In fact he gets rewarded for bad behavior. So guess what, the pattern will persist. He will do what he does best because you are okay with it. Go ahead and give him another chance. This will be his third/fourth. What you need to ask yourself is how many more chances will it take for it to be enough for you or for you to see how dependent you are on someone that makes you feel bad. Not a good start.
Author clara1 Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 You are right and i know it....UGGHHH LOL, thanks for listening to me vent.
mtnbiker Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Thanks guys. This is one reason it has taken me so long to get back in to dating. Just want to say two things. First, distance is tough, so maybe he realized your distance wasn't going to work. Secondly, not all guys(or girls) are "toads". Dating is a difficult game for most...but that doesn't mean you throw in the towel and give up. You take the hits and keep moving forward!
Author clara1 Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 Whatever the reason is it too much to ask for a simple text stating that.
geegirl Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 (edited) Just want to say two things. First, distance is tough, so maybe he realized your distance wasn't going to work. Secondly, not all guys(or girls) are "toads". Dating is a difficult game for most...but that doesn't mean you throw in the towel and give up. You take the hits and keep moving forward! Of course, if one is emotionally mature and expresses the difficulty in pursuing a relationship with OP, then I wouldn't categorize him as a toad. But dangling carrots and mistreating her this way, shows lack of respect and emotional immaturity. Hence, toad. Edited October 11, 2012 by geegirl
mtnbiker Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Of course, if one is emotionally mature and expresses the difficulty in pursuing a relationship with OP, then I wouldn't categorize him as a toad. But dangling carrots and mistreating her this way, shows lack of respect and emotional immaturity. Hence, toad. I in no way disagreed with your sentiments. My thought were strictly about the OP's persepective.
curlygirl40 Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Good morning!! Another early 40's, recently back in the dating pool chiming in. Here are some things that I have learned. And I think it applies to your situation. 1. It's not real until he's your boyfriend (and then there are no guarantees) It's very hard to stay in the moment but that's all you can do. You can't say this early on if a guy is 'the one'. You just can't. You have to get to know each other, you have to progress the relationship at a pace you're comfortable with. So even though it's hard not to get attached to the outcome, you can't early on. So until he asks you to be his girlfriend, until you discuss exclusivity, you just don't know. Always keep that in the back of your mind and don't get too 'outcome dependent'. 2. Most men (and many women) would rather chew their arm out of a trap than tell you that they are no longer interested. So it's up to you sometimes by listening to their words and/or watching their actions, to figure out if they still have interest or not. YES, it takes 2 seconds to send a quick 'I'm sorry, but....' text, but many people don't want the confrontation and would rather do the fade away. Even after you've slept together. Rude but a fact of dating, unfortunately. 3. You have to decide what YOU want, and act accordingly. If you want a guy who is attentive, and who lets you know that he's interested, and doesn't back away or keep you on the back burner, then don't get yourself wrapped up with a guy who acts this way. 4. Many men will keep you on a string, just incase they want you later. They don't really want a relationship with you, but they don't want you to go anywhere either. Cake eaters. Don't be the backup girl. If they keep you on the backburner, start to simmer. 5. People (men and women) change their minds. All. The. Time. He might have been completely sincere when he said he wanted a relationship. But then he might have met someone else, the distance might be getting to him, he might be scared, maybe he's no longer interested. You need to make peace with the fact that you might never know the reason, but if he's backing away, let him go. It doesn't make him a bad person. 6. Like my signature line says, if you don't learn the lesson with this guy, this situation will present itself over and over again until you 'get it' and make some changes. Make today be the day. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Best of luck!!
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