so_difficult Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Oops i meant to say "help my husband" For many many reasons and after many years of trying hard to stay married i have finally left my husband. As of right now he is living in the house with our one son. I have paid for everything for years and am continuing to do so at the moment, though we'll eventually have to figure things out -- my parents live there and i guess he'll have to move out one day, with my financial aid of course. I now live at my parent's cottage, which is very close by and i'm seeing our son every day -- our other son is away at university. The kids are both taking it pretty well -- sad of course but they understand and one of them even admitted to me that he's thought many times i should leave, which makes me feel so much better. I've asked both of them to do whatever they can to help out their dad because he's really not taking it well. I asked our son who's away to call him a lot to talk ... Hopefully that helps my son too. I don't want to do anything to make this harder on h -- quite the opposite, despite everything he's put me through over the years. BUT he keeps phoning, sobbing, begging, pleading, promising and even showing up at the cottage to beg some more. I'm trying to be as kind as possible to him while still being firm. He,'s promised me so many times that if i stay i won't regret it, but i've always lived to regret it so when he tells me this now it doesn't sway me at all. But that doesn't mean i feel good about this. It's pretty hard to break up the family, esp after 23 years being together and 21 years married. Last night i was planning on spending the evening with my son but we realized my h needed him more so he stayed home with my blessing, but i wonder if there's anything I can do to help make this very difficult time easier on him? and how to get him to stop begging, etc? I've told him he really has to start being strong for himself and our son, that he has to try to sleep, exercise, eat -- even if that means making a nutritious shake -- but is there anything else i can do while still being true to myself and what i firmly believe is the right decision?
petterr Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Hi! So sad to read your post! I have been where your husband is now without the begging and so on! But from what you have written it seems to me that you have been down this road before. That you have had trouble for a long time and now you have made up your mind. I can only relate to your husbands situation from my perspective. Bomb drop out of the blue with everything in our life completely normal before. She went nuts and has since treated me really cruel. It seems like you want to do the right thing! And the right thing really is the million dollar question. The most important thing you can do is to understand the pain he is going through. There is really nothing you can do to help him with that. Have you been to MC? Sometimes a third perspective can help clear some of the questions and pain he is having. The most important thing is that you dont fight. That both of you are as adult about this as possible. But its hard when dealing with emotions. You cant control his feelings or actions but if you have a mindset that you will do everything possible to avoid conflict for sons sake then things will work out in the end. When my exw left she was so selfish and didnt care at all about me. That has resulted in a really infected relationship when it comes to co-parenting. So try to do the right thing and never lose respect for him. With that said things could get really desperate with him as he slowly starts to realise that you are truly gone. Hope is the last thing that leaves us and when thats gone things can get ugly. Stay firm and be gentle then back away! You really cant help him more then that.
Author so_difficult Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 Hi Peterr thank you for your response. I do want to hear from people on your side because hopefully you can help from the opposite perspective. I do want to do this in as painless a way as possible for all concerned. I wish I could cause him no pain but that's not possible. I really want the kids to have a good relationship with both of us and I want him to move on and have a good life and ultimately a good relationship with someone else. It's because I didn't want to cause him pain that I've stayed this long. He called me today and at some point I started to get angry and then pulled myself back and told him that I don't want to go there. I don't want to be angry anymore and I don't want to speak out of anger. I've always tried to speak reasonably with him and not say mean things, but sometimes I have to say things that hurt him just to explain my position. I told him I don't want to say any of these things anymore and I just want him to understand that although things seem hopeless and horrible right now and although it's a really difficult time that things will get better and that he has to be strong and look after himself -- for his own sake and for the sake of our son(s). He started saying lots of bad things about himself and how he f***ed everything up and was a stupid idiot and I would not let him go there. I said what's done is done and we now have to move on and make a better future for ourselves. I told him I'll do whatever I can to help him get through this time other than come back. If anyone else has any words of wisdom for how I can help him (other than going back) I would love to hear them.
GuyInLimbo Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Well, sounds weird, but congrats on doing the right thing for you. The fact of the matter is, HE is an adult and is going to have to figure out how to move on ON HIS OWN. Your kids might be your responsibility, but your STBXH is not. This is called co-dependency. Peterr said it best at the end of his post. Hopefully, at the very least, you can convince him he needs some serious counseling right now.
TaraMaiden Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 From my perspective, there's a choice oftwo types of behaviour you can subscribe to: One: Idiot Compassion. Two: 'Wise' Compassion. "Idiot"Compassion is based on pity, guilt and sympathy. You DISable the person by continuing to be a prop, a support and by being the source of their relief, when in actual fact, you are the source of their distress. You cannot continue to maintain this, because the more you 'support' him - the more he will let you, come to depend on you, and make the break all the harder. Wise Compassion is based of Kindness, Understanding and Empathy. You ENable the person to find their own equilibrium by retaining some support in practical matters, but encouraging them to establish their own independence and ability to function under their own steam. All the while, you have to gently emphasise that this practical support will be withdrawn and that the person must learn to function without you as a prop - and as for emotional support, you must make him understand - much as it might cut you to shreds - that emotionally speaking, that phase is at an end. When people learn to resort to logic, decisions are more often than not right. When people continue to resort to emotional impulses, decisions are more often than not wrong. 2
Author so_difficult Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 @GuyinLimbo - thank you for saying the word "codependent." I could see myself continuing on with that route, being not there but there at the same time. And thank you too for calling him my STBX because I have to start thinking of him like that. I did suggest to him that he go to a counselor and wanted to find one for him but then I guess I'm still being the only adult here, aren't I? I'll have to leave it up to him. @TaraMaiden you always make such good points and see things so clearly. I'm going to come back to your post again and again. Right now I am trying to be the latter and be kind out of compassion but I could easily slip into pity, and then I'll be back at square one, really. thanks everyone --
TaraMaiden Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 It's my pleasure - I'm glad to help. Please bear in mind that this is as much as a learning curve for you as it must be for him. You have been co-dependent for many years, and as with many matters that develop as a habit, it's one that is hard to break. Be gentle with yourself - but being gentle and compassionate, occasionally means a kick in the pants. Sharp - but necessary. Whenever the situation arises where he needs some form of input or feedback from you, stop to consider what input to give - and whether what you do will be based on logical necessity, or because you feel sorry for him, and obligated. You won't always get it right - don't expect to. And expect mixed responses from him, too. He will read 'messages' in the things you do, and nourish hope within himself. Without being cruel, you will have to make him understand that your responses are to help things move on, not to keep him stuck and effectively cripple the both of you. I wish you well.
GuyInLimbo Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 @GuyinLimbo - thank you for saying the word "codependent." I could see myself continuing on with that route, being not there but there at the same time. And thank you too for calling him my STBX because I have to start thinking of him like that. I did suggest to him that he go to a counselor and wanted to find one for him but then I guess I'm still being the only adult here, aren't I? I'll have to leave it up to him. @TaraMaiden you always make such good points and see things so clearly. I'm going to come back to your post again and again. Right now I am trying to be the latter and be kind out of compassion but I could easily slip into pity, and then I'll be back at square one, really. thanks everyone -- Glad I could be of some help. Feeling especially useless this week...
TaraMaiden Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 People who touch others are never 'useless'... even a random smile can lift a stranger's whole day. If I were a wealthy person, and I had to choose, I would gladly give it all up for that one moment,when somebody actually turned to me, and thanked me for a workshop weekend, ending with the words, "And *TaraMaiden*? Let me tell you - you made a difference." if that's the best thing I ever do in my life, every breath I take will have been worth it.
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