TopCat22 Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 I broke NC after 26 days. Broken up for 6 weeks, haven't seen her in 8 weeks. Quick background: I was forced into a position to dump her after 18 month RS (she made me do the dirty work) even though I didn't really want to. She lost attraction for me and built up resentments due to me not moving in with her and I believe she developed feelings for a co-worker. We spoke after 2 weeks of breaking up and she told me there was no chance for us at the moment. I never begged or pleaded to get back with her at all, even though it's what I really want. In the last 3.5 weeks she hasn't tried to contact me at all and I stayed strong until 2 days ago. I sent her a jokey photo of some sweets (private joke) on IM and she responded, laughing saying she'd already had a bag. She asked how I was. I responded, I was good, what flavour sweets had she had. She went offline immediately and didn't respond. Yesterday evening I hadn't heard anything back so I sent her a text saying I think my IM messed up and I wanted to see if she fancied meeting up next week as it would be nice to catch up. So far, no response. I'm fairly certain that she switched her phone off after I IM'ed her and has kept it off since, checking only briefly yesterday afternoon. I could go into detail here but it would take too long to explain why I think that. I'm not sure what to expect now. I've made up my mind to try and win her back (I may be stupid here, but I feel I need to give it a go and at least walk away knowing I did everything I could), but it's pretty hard to do when you can't communicate. I can't understand why she responded to the message at all. I was expecting to be either totally ignored or responded to properly. We ended amicably (at least that's how it seemed) and she expressed the wish to be friends in the future (I'm not going to do that, but I haven't said either way). Why would she respond and then suddenly ignore me? She's acting like the dumpee, which technically she is, but given that it was her that forced us to break up and she apologised for hurting me etc., I can't quite figure where she's at. We don't have any mutual friends and don't run in the same circles so I have no way of finding out anything. I wonder if she still has feelings and isn't sure what to do? Or has she shacked up with the co-worker and is afraid to tell me out of guilt? I feel that if she was over me then she'd have no problem meeting up as it's me who's suggested it. I haven't chased after her as I felt this would be the wrong thing to do but I'm wondering if I should just tell her I still love her and want her back. From all the cases I've read it doesn't seem like that is the approach to take, but she doesn't seem to respond to this way either. I guess we'll see if I get a response soon, but would love to see what folks think?
geegirl Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 (edited) Do you see how you're always the one reaching out and trying to coax a reaction? She's not doing anything to reciprocate your efforts. Doesn't that tell you anything? Are her actions displaying signs of interest? I don't see it. Responding to your tweets doesn't indicate interest. It was casual banter and soon after made a quick exit. A need to be polite? If she didn't answer, it would be an issue. The alternative was a proper answer. But how does she know what to say that would read as "proper answer" to you or satisfy you? This is why you don't break NC. When you do, you set expectations. When you don't get the response you want, you're confused and disappointed. So, you expected to be ignored or responded to properly. Even if she did that, you'd most likely analyze that as well. You asked her to meet you and she has not responded. If she does then I hope you get what you need from her. If she doesn't, please stay NC. I will say this to you that women find it unattractive when a man does this. It shows desperation. She's lost her attraction for you, had a lot of resentment and may have developed feelings for a co-worker. This should be enough for you to step back and let go. Please stop pushing her to come your way. She will do so on her own accord if she wants to. Edited September 28, 2012 by geegirl
Author TopCat22 Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 Thanks Geegirl. I know you are right and I do need to acknowledge her actions not her words. I don't intend on contacting her anymore if she doesn't respond to my text. To be fair I really haven't contacted her that much since the BU anyway (this will be only the 2nd time). I want to know that I did everything I felt I could do before I walk away. Given the way we broke up I feel I need to do this and I'm well aware I may not get what want out of it. I feel I changed a lot towards the end of our RS and that caused things to go downhill. I've made a lot of positive changes in the last 2 months and I want her to see that, hence why I want to meet up. If she sees that, then great, if she doesn't then I can move on safe in the knowledge that the issues are with her and I can accept that nothing I can do will change that. Maybe it's me being selfish but I feel I need to do this so that I can be at peace with moving on.
TheDovic Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 The truth is none of us know what is going on in your ex's head, but from personal experience and seeing countless posts on this site like your own I think it's likely your ex still has feelings for you (as many dumpers still have) because in order to have started a relationship there were bound to have been some good times. However she doesn't seem angry with you but still has chosen not to communicate. To me this suggests she does not want to speak to you because she no longer wants you as a boyfriend. It's different if she didn't want to speak to you because she was angry because anger is a strong emotion, so the person you're angry with must hold some stock with them! I think you know this deep down, but like me early on you are refusing to see things in black and white, probably because you are in denial like so many of us are/where. So my advice is simply this: You are going to do what FEELS right to you regardless of what anyone on this site tells you! This is going to lead to you regretting things, being angry, being sad and being desperate at times, but this is the path in front of you. It's your path and maybe it's the one you must walk in order to get over this so walk it and see where it takes you!!! We try and pass on our wisdom on this site because we've made the same mistakes, but maybe we wouldn't be in the position we are in if we hadn't walked this same painful path!!! In saying this I have no doubt this will all be a bad memory one day regardless of whether you get back together or not, and you will be happy once again. 1
Author TopCat22 Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 Thanks Dovic, I actually found that post quite helpful. I am going to do what I feel is right because how could I be any other way? If I mess it up and end up hurt again then that is the path I have to take and it will be my doing. I'm man enough to accept that responsibility. Part of me struggles so much with it because she has been such a closed book. I'm actually not even sure of the real reasons we broke up. I've made a good guess at things that seem to make sense, but she has confirmed very little to me. That's why I'm not sure if she's angry or not. She's very good at hiding that stuff (she was angry at me for not moving in with her and kept that totally under wraps until the week before we broke up). You are probably right in your assessment, but knowing her ways as I do, I'm well aware that she might actually be VERY angry with me. But she won't yell or have a fight with me because she is not confrontational by nature. She runs away. I know I'm not going to get this figured out but it's good to hear what people on the outside think.
geegirl Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Thanks Dovic, I actually found that post quite helpful. I am going to do what I feel is right because how could I be any other way? If I mess it up and end up hurt again then that is the path I have to take and it will be my doing. I'm man enough to accept that responsibility. Part of me struggles so much with it because she has been such a closed book. I'm actually not even sure of the real reasons we broke up. I've made a good guess at things that seem to make sense, but she has confirmed very little to me. That's why I'm not sure if she's angry or not. She's very good at hiding that stuff (she was angry at me for not moving in with her and kept that totally under wraps until the week before we broke up). You are probably right in your assessment, but knowing her ways as I do, I'm well aware that she might actually be VERY angry with me. But she won't yell or have a fight with me because she is not confrontational by nature. She runs away. I know I'm not going to get this figured out but it's good to hear what people on the outside think. The thing is, you will never be able to determine where her mindset is and the more you try to uncover, the more unresolved issues you create for yourself. She can feel your interest. She's not stupid not to decipher your reaching out as a sign of interest, testing the waters. If she were in any way inclined to reciprocate, she would show you a sign. Fighting for a relationship is wonderful but there has to be TWO willing, interested and emotionally available partners to make it work or even attempt to rekindle. You can't clap with one hand. Sometimes it's best to just accept silence or indifferent behavior. Accept it as it is rather than put a twist on it. Sometimes the obvious is most likely your truth. I hope you try to step back from this. If there's any chance of this turning around, you would have a much better chance at disappearing. This way, she is forced to realize your value and actually face her loss rather than run. If she comes back great. If she doesn't you will be well on your way to recovery to let it affect you.
Author TopCat22 Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 I've never done NC before so this is a new process for me. The thing is, the longer I went (I know 26 days isn't that long, but it feels like an eternity!) the more I wanted to reach out. Her reaction to me reaching out is actually quite helpful as it makes me realise she really wants nothing to do with me and is most likely with her new crush. As painful as that is, it helps to know. Hope is actually the worst thing. We'll see if she repsonds to my text over the weekend, but I am planning on stepping back and going NC for good. I thought enough time had passed for me to reach out, but clearly I was wrong. At least I can do NC now safe in the knowledge I'm doing it for me.
geegirl Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 I've never done NC before so this is a new process for me. The thing is, the longer I went (I know 26 days isn't that long, but it feels like an eternity!) the more I wanted to reach out. Her reaction to me reaching out is actually quite helpful as it makes me realise she really wants nothing to do with me and is most likely with her new crush. As painful as that is, it helps to know. Hope is actually the worst thing. We'll see if she repsonds to my text over the weekend, but I am planning on stepping back and going NC for good. I thought enough time had passed for me to reach out, but clearly I was wrong. At least I can do NC now safe in the knowledge I'm doing it for me. NC is a process of "it gets worse before it gets better." So it's normal that after 26 days, which is not even a little blip on the healing chart, you feel the need to reach out. NC is not a tool to try and manouver ways to rekindle. It's sole purpose is to help the dumpee move on and heal. You implement NC when you decide you are ready to prioritize your emotional health and well-being and put the rest of the BS aside. What you're doing right now is just sitting around and hoping for someone to determine your fate. It's fine to do that and hope is bad thing but at some point you have to ask yourself how much more of this uncertainty will you take? The only certainty you can control is knowing one day you will be able to achieve emotional freedom. Anything other than that will indefinitely keep you in turmoil. This is your journey and you only have one shot at it. Hope you do what's best for you.
Author TopCat22 Posted September 30, 2012 Author Posted September 30, 2012 Well still not had any reply from her and I have to say it's actually made me feel better about things. I feel quite at peace that I now know where her head is at. If she can't even bring herself to talk to me then I know this is truly dead. Strangely though, yesterday evening her brother sent me a FB message. It said how sorry he was to hear about the BU, wished me well and told me I was the coolest bf his sister ever had. I replied back nicely and told him to stay in touch if he wanted (we always got on well and I have no problem being in contact with him). I'm not reading too much into it, but it was the timing of this message that made me wonder. I've no idea when she told him we'd broken up but we've been apart now for over 6 weeks and they are quite close so I would have thought he's known for a while. Anyway, it doesn't really matter now. I'm back to NC and will be sticking with it for good. I feel far better about why I'm doing it now.
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