frozensprouts Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 something in another thread has me thinking... (1) why, when presented with the opportunity to leave their marriage, do so many wayward spouses fight tooth and nail to stay? In some cases, perhaps it's financial, but I've heard of many cases where even after the divorce is final, they still want to come back...why? If one cheats because they are unhappy in their marriage, why fight so hard to stay? why, if presented with the opportunity to be with their other man/woman full time, don't they snap it up ?
mercy Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 As long as no one knows, no one knows. When the light of day comes - dd, reality comes slamming into them, shame sets in. So does, wtf have I done. To lose everything over a fling, just doesn't seem worth it, doesn't seem fair. No one was supposed to know what they were doing. It becomes unimportant compared to losing ones family. Facing who they have become is a frightening experience for most. 8
Furious Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 something in another thread has me thinking... (1) why, when presented with the opportunity to leave their marriage, do so many wayward spouses fight tooth and nail to stay? In some cases, perhaps it's financial, but I've heard of many cases where even after the divorce is final, they still want to come back...why? If one cheats because they are unhappy in their marriage, why fight so hard to stay? why, if presented with the opportunity to be with their other man/woman full time, don't they snap it up ? That's the million dollar question. For crying out loud, I couldn't wrap my head around why after i discovered my husband's affair that he didn't want to go to his other woman. She's all yours now, be happy, be together, shout it from the mountain tops. I was was shocked that it turned out that he didn't do this. 1
mercy Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 That's the million dollar question. For crying out loud, I couldn't wrap my head around why after i discovered my husband's affair that he didn't want to go to his other woman. She's all yours now, be happy, be together, shout it from the mountain tops. I was was shocked that it turned out that he didn't do this. I'm not shocked by this, at all. I think the reaction is perfectly normal. Most cheaters don't want to be with cheaters. I mean at some point one can't continue to live with lies and deception, they want their life back, they want who they really are back. One really can't be a liar forever unless it's who they really are and they never had a moral compass to begin with. 5
Betrayed&Stayed Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 why, if presented with the opportunity to be with their other man/woman full time, don't they snap it up ? For many affairs, the appeal is that it is NOT full-time. The WS and the AP don't have to deal with the mundane tasks of marriage and living together. It's a romance that doesn't include washing skid marks out of his underwear, paying bills, vacuuming, getting kids to school, etc. In this regard the relationship is a fantasy. 2
stillafool Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 There is something about leaving that completely wakes them up. It's exciting for them to sneak around as it fuels the affair. Lots of times when they no longer have to sneak and creep they view the affair and AP as not being that exciting. Especially not enough to lose your wife and kids over. 1
Ninja'sHusband Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 (edited) Lots of reasons. My WW she was willing to try to reconcile, not enough, but she did put out some effort.For the sake of the childrenThey were never in love with the APThey are still in love with the BSThe AP was marriedTotal financial dependance on the BSThey never thought the A would be discovered, cake eater.The stigma of a failed marriage and personDon't want to admit to failed life goalsFear of being aloneFear of the unknownIf the BS is walking out, all of a sudden the BS is the one they can't have, not the WS...that's a game changer.Fear of everyone finding out about the affair (the BS will start telling everyone if they don't reconcile) Edited September 28, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband 3
Spark1111 Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 something in another thread has me thinking... (1) why, when presented with the opportunity to leave their marriage, do so many wayward spouses fight tooth and nail to stay? In some cases, perhaps it's financial, but I've heard of many cases where even after the divorce is final, they still want to come back...why? If one cheats because they are unhappy in their marriage, why fight so hard to stay? why, if presented with the opportunity to be with their other man/woman full time, don't they snap it up ? Apparently they must not be that unhappy! I think claiming to be unhappy is part and parcel of the affair script. What woman in her right mind would have sex with a man on the sly, when he can break away from his family, that declares himself to be happy in his marriage? Not a one. I think the forbidden and illicit nature of it heightens the sex; he gives "love" to get sex, she gives sex to feel loved. And they sure as hell aren't paying the bills together or staying up with a sick child. So it's a lovely fantasy, one they don't think to much about when they are with their wife and family. It took me 5 years to learn this. I too threw him out and told him to go get her. I exposed the affair. I was convinced we were heading to divorce. It was absolutely the last thing he wanted, which confused me to no end. He lived with her in reality for about two weeks. It went pssssst real fast and he began begging to reconcile. 1
Spark1111 Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 PS: I found words of undying love and devotion on his cell phone while on vacation, after we had made love, and he left for the airport and forgot his cell. If I had written those words, I would have had a bag packed and been out the door a long time ago. When I confronted him on dday, and told him to go be happy, he didn't have to lie to me, the very first words out of his mouth? "Please don't tell anyone." I was stunned. So much for shouting your undying love from the rooftops. 3
2sure Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 For my ex, I swear the hardest part of divorcing was that he just could not accept that there was a real consequence to what he refered to as "his stupid problem". It was like dragging a toddler from a party when they have had too much cake. Ha! I made a pun. Cake. 5
veryhappy Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 There is something about leaving that completely wakes them up. It's exciting for them to sneak around as it fuels the affair. Lots of times when they no longer have to sneak and creep they view the affair and AP as not being that exciting. Especially not enough to lose your wife and kids over. Have you ever had an affair? The sneaking around actually contributed to mine ending. I was sick of it, of the limitations of it and I just want a normal life. I suspect he did get a high from it in the beginning, doing something he wasn't supposed to, but it was not something significant to the story and got old really fast for him too. It's tiring, it doesn't fuel anything but frustration. We both would have prefered to have a normal relationship, without sneaking around. Don't get all you know about affairs from TV... 1
veryhappy Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 Now, to answer the question: Sense of doing what's right/be responsible Kids History & Love for the W Extended family & status Lifestyle Fear of the unknown & related issues 2
SidLyon Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 ...I think for the ones who do beg and plead to come back and are then remorseful and open are the ones who did make a one time error and do really love their bs. They are also the ones who are willing to look deeply at why they hurt those they profess to love. They fix what was broken... My fWH was one who begged and pleaded to stay after d-day. It was about 4 years ago and since then he's been remorseful and strongly in reconciliation mode. There's no way what he did can be classed as just a one time error, so it can't be just limited to those who did (make a one time error). Nevertheless he turned out to be a "beggar and pleader" even though his A lasted several years (d-day was more than 6 years after the A started)! I was a total mess around d-day but still managed to be utterly surprised at the extent of the "begging and pleading" of my formerly "self-sufficient", distant and totally together H. it was almost like he was a different person. It was impossible for me to resist his entreaties and protestations of love for me (the utterly humiliated and crushed BW). On d-day I discovered pretty well everything including an e-mail he sent to the OW only a few days earlier telling her how much he loved her and hinting that he was considering leaving his family for her. I still don't fully understand why he just didn't seize the opportunity that d-day gave him, to go be with her. It wasn't a secret any more so he no longer needed to fear exposure. He says a fantasy bubble got burst so quickly (on d-day) that it was like an epiphany for him as he realised where and who his priorities were. But as for me, I still don't quite understand.
Spark1111 Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 (edited) Sometimes they stay because they really love you and they were just broken or lost and until they were faced with losing what they really did hold dear they didn't know and other times they stay because they are weak and too afraid of change. I look at is as every marriage, every relationship, every set of people is unique. Why does it have to be assumed that EVERY affair fits a stereotype. Some day, probably many do. I agree. Sometimes they are broken and lost, and sometimes they are too weak and afraid of change. I'd like to add, sometimes they just like to eat cake. Edited October 4, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator edited quote to match other edit done
SidLyon Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 That's a strange story Sid, in a way. I can't begin to fathom why he did what he did, (a long affair) and I can't fathom why you reconciled with him. That is in no way a dig, I promise. It's just beyond my level of comprehension. There are other things in regards to infidelity that I can't fathom. For instance I understand my father's serial cheating ways, but I don't understand how or why my mother did not boot him out of her life forever. I don't think I fully understand either, why he did it and why I'm still with him. Sometimes i wonder if I'm just a weak person. I know it can't be financial. People are just strange. I hope I'm not too strange, but maybe that's it too. My responses in bold. Having a bad time right now. 1
2sure Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Off topic but very important. SidLyon, our experiences with infidelity happened at nearly the same time. Both horrendous. I left, you stayed. I'll tell you something...I still have many many questions about myself, all the result of infidelity. Staying, leaving...it's not always the main point. You helped me then, still do. 2
j'adore Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Ok in all honesty, to help Ls i know my mm fought to stay because he has been married for 26 years, he respects his children who turned against me, he was scared of losing everything, the fight came as a shock, i forced it on him in an emotional outburst. he still loves me, he still wants to see me, I don't know what i want now...): it is me against his bs and his entire family. Not a fair balance.
Author frozensprouts Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 I was hoping that there'd be input from wayward spouses, and I'd like to thank those who took the time to answer ( and everyone else as well)... part of why i ask is because i want to understand why people do what they do, and also I was hoping that it may be helpful to others to hear ( or even come up with) answers themselves... When i asked my husband about it way back when, he told me that up until that point, everything had been spinning out of control, and it almost didn't seem "real" ( he wasn't saying that he couldn't control himself, but rather he was getting deeper and deeper into this weird fantasy of escaping everything that was troubling him..). As long as I allowed him to waffle back and forth, he had no reason to confront the reality and enormity of what he was doing. He could keep running with no real consequences. When I finally told him to decide once and for all what he wanted, it was like a hitting a brick wall...the "fantasy bubble" burst and he had to face reality. He had a choice to make, and the reality of being with me was what he wanted ( wonders never cease, eh:laugh:). I think it also hit him that I wasn't going to wait around forever...I had places to go and things to do in my life, and while it would be horribly heartbreaking for me, I would find a way to go on, maybe even find someone else someday ( although I wasn't even thinking about that as remotely possible) In some ways, i think it's like a child "testing" to see how much they can get away with before there are consequences. If he was going to stay, it would have to be because he wanted to, not because I made him. I've always thought the idea of a wife at home cajoling her cheating husband into staying at home was kind of weird...always makes me think of an Benny Hill sketch....a silly young woman in a tight miniskirt getting chased by some lecherous old man with him pants around his ankles...his wife ( curlers in her hair in a frumpy housecoat) chasing him with a rolling pin, and a police man chasing after the lot - all while that "Benny hill" theme music plays- if only life were that simple:laugh:
thomasb Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 I begged my wife to reconcile because I loved her with all my heart and wanted desperately to make things right. Both with her and with my Lord. I knew what wrong I had done. It really had nothing to do with her. I was the problem. It took a few weeks for her to allow me back home with her. I am happy every day that she let me. 2
Radagast Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 I was hoping that there'd be input from wayward spouses, I did not reply because it did not apply to me. I did not fight to stay. I fought to leave!
Author frozensprouts Posted October 4, 2012 Author Posted October 4, 2012 I begged my wife to reconcile because I loved her with all my heart and wanted desperately to make things right. Both with her and with my Lord. I knew what wrong I had done. It really had nothing to do with her. I was the problem. It took a few weeks for her to allow me back home with her. I am happy every day that she let me. she's probably very happy too
DBella Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 In my case, according to my H he wouldn't further pursue anything with AP because... AP was only temporarily, he wasn't planning on become serious with her because she's the type that doesn't see anything wrong with cheating, he "enjoys" family and married life, AP couldn't complete him because she doesn't have many goals in life, etc
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