Adamgem Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 I just spoke to his ex partner. They slept together the last time he went to see the children. Now I have the proof I need. I am packing my things to move out but I have nobody to help and I do not know when he will get back. She said that he had threatened her not to tell me - I asked her why then she told me and she said she was sick of the entire situation. She had been so badly hurt by him that this is nothing new for her. I told her I felt sorry for her and her situation and that I was happy that I could get out. She said she knew he wanted to keep us both. OMG. She would not have stayed with him but she has children with him. I will speak to her later as he is not picking up his phone for anybody. I know I am in for a rough few months. I know he will get in a rage and I wonder if he will beat her or me when he finds out that I have gone/am leaving. I do not know if I will be able to move house before he gets back.... My god.... this is ridiculous.
MilitantPacifist Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 If you're really concerned that he might beat you or his ex, you need to be focusing all your efforts on the move. Call in sick or skip class, and keep calling all your friends and family until someone agrees to help. Make this your top priority. You don't want to have him come back when you're only halfway through packing. In fact, the best thing to do would be to go with just clothes and the bare minimum of important possessions. But that's up to you. If you want to take most of your stuff, send out an S.O.S. to anyone in your town that could help. Also keep in mind there are agencies that help women who are abused, likely there is one or more in your town that if you called them and advised of your situation they would be able to help as well. Once you actually leave make sure and call his ex immediately so she can make arrangements for her safety as well.
Author Adamgem Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 If you're really concerned that he might beat you or his ex, you need to be focusing all your efforts on the move. Call in sick or skip class, and keep calling all your friends and family until someone agrees to help. Make this your top priority. You don't want to have him come back when you're only halfway through packing. In fact, the best thing to do would be to go with just clothes and the bare minimum of important possessions. But that's up to you. If you want to take most of your stuff, send out an S.O.S. to anyone in your town that could help. Also keep in mind there are agencies that help women who are abused, likely there is one or more in your town that if you called them and advised of your situation they would be able to help as well. Once you actually leave make sure and call his ex immediately so she can make arrangements for her safety as well. Thank you but I am in a country where I know nobody.... I am thinking about having a friend fly over to help me. I am not sure what I should do.... I have most of my things packed but I am having second thoughts about leaving before he gets back. Maybe that will make him even more angry. I do not know.
MilitantPacifist Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 I'd just like to point out that you having packed up all of your stuff is equally likely to get him angry, if he's the type of person that likes to beat women. So at this point, whether you go or not, he's going to be angry. The question is what you want. If you want to be free of the douche, go. If he's beaten you before, go, whether you want to or not. People like that don't change. And if you're worried about his ex, just keep in mind you never have to tell him that's the reason you left him. He can go on merrily ignorant that his ex spilled the beans about him screwing her. Then you have absolutely no personal responsibility for her (except of course to warn her that you've left, so he may be darkening her doorstep looking for comfort).
Fitz Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Sorry to hear about your painful situation. The bottom line is that you have to leave. However, "How" you actually leave is another question, but I would do whatever causes you the least stress. 1
stillafool Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Thank you but I am in a country where I know nobody.... I am thinking about having a friend fly over to help me. I am not sure what I should do.... I have most of my things packed but I am having second thoughts about leaving before he gets back. Maybe that will make him even more angry. I do not know. Why have second thoughts about leaving when you know he may beat you when you get back? You don't have to pack the entire house just get enough things in a sack to hold you over until you get settled. What is the point of all of this if you aren't going to make a move? 1
Author Adamgem Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 OMG fricking run. Grab what you can and get out. He will try to convince you she is lying. It does not matter if she is lying or not. If you really think this man could beat the both of you then why are you two fighting over this piece of excrement? Oh lord, I'm ill just thinking of it. Two women willing to stay with a man that they feel is capable of beating them. I just do not get it. I am a very paranoid person and believe any man, if angy enough, will do something like that. You are right about him trying to convince me that she is telling lies. He has already been on the phone trying to convince me of that. He sounds calm and business like and is telling me that he will record conversations with her to convince me that she is telling lies. I said I am not interested. He is trying to pit us against each other...
Author Adamgem Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 Why have second thoughts about leaving when you know he may beat you when you get back? You don't have to pack the entire house just get enough things in a sack to hold you over until you get settled. What is the point of all of this if you aren't going to make a move? I am sure he will not do something like that. I have packed most of my things, at this point, luckily I do not have much. He will have had time to calm down and I have let him know that I have informed many friends of the situation - to make myself less isolated. He is, of course, trying to tell me that she is telling lies. I think he knows that I am serious and there is nothing he can do about it. He offered me one of his cars to move my things but I refused. I said I did not see the point in having any more contact since he had not been correct with me. What would the point be? He said he understands.
stillafool Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 You're serious about wanting to leave, have packed your stuff, he's offered you a car to move and now you don't want to move? Why did you decide to stay when you were in so much fear of him earlier?
Author Adamgem Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 I just called his ex to thank her for talking to me today. I told her I am packing my things to leave and am cutting all contact. I told her that I wish her well and hope things work out for her in the future. She didn't know what to say - I think she was quite shocked. Well I guess she got what she wanted in the end.
Author Adamgem Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 So you are going to leave??? Yes. I am leaving. I am going to rent a car instead otherwise he would have a reason to see me again - to pick up his car. I told him I do not want to see him again. I do not see the point. I know he will not give up easily. He is telling me to - not let him down with work - Now I am homeless and without a job but I think it is for the best...... I'm running!
Author Adamgem Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 suddenly I can not stop crying. I see his things around the house and I know I love him. All his family and friends tell me he loves me. Even his ex. They all say how much happier he has been since he met me. I was never happier with anybody else. I can not imagine how my life will be without him.
MilitantPacifist Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 How about an update. It's been almost 12 hours, are you safely away? Take care of yourself and let us all know if you have any questions about where to go from here and what you can do to get on your feet in your new life free from this ahole. 1
Author Adamgem Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 How about an update. It's been almost 12 hours, are you safely away? Take care of yourself and let us all know if you have any questions about where to go from here and what you can do to get on your feet in your new life free from this ahole. Thank you for all your posts. I just spoke to him. He has a flight tomorrow. I will pick him up and then we will go over all work related matters and I will hand back the keys. He sounded calm and said he was sad. He said his ex was laughing at his upset on the phone when he called to complain about her 'lies'.... I spoke to his other (past) ex - she said she believed the ex was telling lies and that she is a very contolling manipulative nasty person. I am not really that interested. I think if that were true he would stay away from her. I have everything packed and the car rented. I just have to pick it up tomorrow. I think he will not do anything bad to me and just let me go. He has agreed to pay the extra day of car rental because he couldn't get an early flight - maybe he is just being very nice until he gets back.... I am finding it hard to stay strong. I have crying episodes and feel intensly angry and frustrated. This is the worst day ever. I hope I can stay strong. I have been making lists of all the nice things I will do when I get away. That is making me feel better.
Author Adamgem Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 Is this the one who was the OW when he was married? Or was she the one who got left? Time to break ties with all the dysfunction. Yes, I know it sounds ridiculous. He is 49 and has had two longterm relationships. The first he was married to and it is she that I spoke with. The second one was the ow in that story and it is she who told me she would never give up or let him go etc. But no matter what - I am out. This is not for me. I have more self worth than to be involved with him as long as he has this kind of involvment with another woman. It is going to be a hard few months. I am going to feel better about myself when I stick to my guns.... thank you.
MilitantPacifist Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Thank you for all your posts. I just spoke to him. He has a flight tomorrow. I will pick him up and then we will go over all work related matters and I will hand back the keys. Is that all you actually have to do, give him back the keys and talk over work matters? You can always leave the keys under a doormat or in a plant outside. And you can do the discussing over the phone if it has to be done. You're worried he might either: a) Hurt you or b) Talk you into staying, which you know will be bad for you as well So why risk it? Just leave the keys somewhere hidden outside and let him know where, and call him to discuss the work issues. He can take a taxi from the airport, that's his problem now, not yours. I spoke to his other (past) ex - she said she believed the ex was telling lies and that she is a very contolling manipulative nasty person. I am not really that interested. I think if that were true he would stay away from her.Agreed, if it was a lie he wouldn't be hanging around so much, and if she is that nasty of a person the only reason to be hanging around is for sex. He has agreed to pay the extra day of car rental because he couldn't get an early flight - maybe he is just being very nice until he gets back....Or maybe he's doing everything he can to make sure you'll still be there when he gets back, so he can control the situation. Just saying. I am finding it hard to stay strong. I have crying episodes and feel intensly angry and frustrated. This is the worst day ever. I hope I can stay strong. I have been making lists of all the nice things I will do when I get away. That is making me feel better.That's good, you should keep that up. And bear in mind also that most of those things you couldn't do if you stayed in an abusive relationship. Today and tomorrow should will be hard but you can get through it. 1
Author Adamgem Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 Is that all you actually have to do, give him back the keys and talk over work matters? You can always leave the keys under a doormat or in a plant outside. And you can do the discussing over the phone if it has to be done. You're worried he might either: a) Hurt you or b) Talk you into staying, which you know will be bad for you as well So why risk it? Just leave the keys somewhere hidden outside and let him know where, and call him to discuss the work issues. He can take a taxi from the airport, that's his problem now, not yours. Agreed, if it was a lie he wouldn't be hanging around so much, and if she is that nasty of a person the only reason to be hanging around is for sex. Or maybe he's doing everything he can to make sure you'll still be there when he gets back, so he can control the situation. Just saying. Yes.... this I believe definately. That's good, you should keep that up. And bear in mind also that most of those things you couldn't do if you stayed in an abusive relationship. Today and tomorrow should will be hard but you can get through it. It is not so simple to leave the keys... and I gave my notice to leave a couple of weeks ago but he asked me to stay three months because of the heavy workload. I do not believe he will do anything to hurt me and I believe if I left the work situation in a mess - he would become enraged. He is a workaholic. He loves his company and that is his number one love.... I will not risk that.
MilitantPacifist Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Well of course you know what's going on better than I do, I'm not suggesting you have to immediately quit, but if possible I'd recommend just going to wherever you're going to stay, and only seeing him when you can't avoid it at work. Easier for him to really get the message that you aren't going to be talked out of it. 1
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