Ninjamohawk Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Hi, I cheated on my girlfriend of 6 years last fall by kissing a colleague of mine in a bar after classes. We were a little buzzed but that's it. I kept it a secret from my ex, even after we broke up. The girl I kissed was the reason we broke up; I admitted to having strong feelings and I agreed to move out of our house. The last year has been rough. My ex and I were engaged and got a long really well but I think the strain of our lives, our money added to the mix that I was staring down 30 in the eyes helped me make bad decisions. I'm not trying to shirk responsibility just what I feel led to my actions. It wasn't just the kiss. We would go out at least one night a week for dinner and drinks, alone. Well... at first it was with other people but eventually alone. Eventually for longer and longer. I think my ex started to suspect when I was 7 hours late getting home because I had been out bar hopping and smoking dope with her. I lied and said my mobile died and I was at the gym. She at least pretended to buy it that first time. After a while she stopped asking where I had been. I don't like to throw this term around: puppy love. Definitely. a 29 year old falling in confusing lust with a 21 year old. So after my ex and I broke up, I told her via text that I had once kissed that girl. I called her. She cried. Strong, strong woman. First time I ever heard her cry. It was hard for a while, but she trusts me again. We spend weekends together. We got together and moved in with each other so fast that we never got that "away time/dating" thing so now it's almost like a fresh start. We're learning all new things about one another and our time has value and a bit of chemistry instead of mediocrity. Sounds good? Then why can't I get the other girl out of my head? I don't talk to her anymore, I don't miss her company but I'll hear a song or smell something, then imagine her staring at me.. smiling. I'm a *trainwreck* for a few days. Wracked with self-loathing. I had a dream last night. A dream where I slept with her. Amazingly the first time I've had a dream like that about her. In the dream I was still awake laying next to the girl and looking at the sheets feeling like absolute scum. Still do. Never happened but I still do. I still feel the grip of guilt. I can't seem to shake it. I don't know what to do. Those eyes haunt me in every sense.
Minka333 Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 (edited) Maybe you are trying to recreate the dormant passionate feelings you once had with your gf of 6 years. The other girl stirred excitement and spark within you. You love the security and comfort your gf provides. At the same time you also desire the feeling, the fantasy, the memory that the other girl left. Some people take for granted what they have because of too much familiarity or togetherness. So they seek for a diversion. If you truly want to work things out with your gf, i guess it's better to just leave those thoughts to your imagination. But if the time comes when you realize that what you have right now is not what you really want, do NOT force it. Tell your gf and deal with the repercussions. Edited September 28, 2012 by Minka333
Author Ninjamohawk Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 I just want to erase her memory. I want the blue pill.
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