AnotherRound Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Brown (2001, 89) suggests a spouse's obsession with the affair provides another place for the couple to hide. “It is much easier for the spouse to focus on the drama of the affair than to face all the issues and underlying emotions that have been avoided so far.” Thoughts on this?
seren Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Brown (2001, 89) suggests a spouse's obsession with the affair provides another place for the couple to hide. “It is much easier for the spouse to focus on the drama of the affair than to face all the issues and underlying emotions that have been avoided so far.” You having a night of insomnia AR and internet surfing? If it is the BS's 'obsession' with the A then I think obsession is possibly a poor choice of words. But might be in context if the paper or piece was mentioned, what was Brown discussing? The A or the reaction to it, the obsession from the WS or BS? I think one of the reasons so many of us differ in our understanding of why people have A's, can people be in love and one still have an A will elicit different responses as all A's and all marriages are different. If the needing to know all about the A from the BS point of view is seen as obsession then I would say to Brown, just you wait Brown until you experience being a BS. I would need to know what the context of her argument this quote was taken from.
Author AnotherRound Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 Brown (2001, 89) suggests a spouse's obsession with the affair provides another place for the couple to hide. “It is much easier for the spouse to focus on the drama of the affair than to face all the issues and underlying emotions that have been avoided so far.” You having a night of insomnia AR and internet surfing? If it is the BS's 'obsession' with the A then I think obsession is possibly a poor choice of words. But might be in context if the paper or piece was mentioned, what was Brown discussing? The A or the reaction to it, the obsession from the WS or BS? I think one of the reasons so many of us differ in our understanding of why people have A's, can people be in love and one still have an A will elicit different responses as all A's and all marriages are different. If the needing to know all about the A from the BS point of view is seen as obsession then I would say to Brown, just you wait Brown until you experience being a BS. I would need to know what the context of her argument this quote was taken from. It was a quote about healing after an affair, and "the spouse" referred to is the BS. It was a website with TONS of information, and this was in the healing section and the idea behind it (I think) was that if the BS focuses too much on the affair, that this is another form of avoidance in that they are focusing on a "symptom" and not the true problems of the marriage. I don't think that Brown was saying that the need to know was an obsession - just that if the BS isn't able to move PAST that at some point, or just kind of focuses on that and doesn't address anything else, that the couple could possibly STILL be avoiding the "true" issues. And I always have insomnia bc I work different shifts all the time, lol. Tonight, I'm off, but couldn't sleep, so thought I'd research instead. I found some pretty riveting reading... well, riveting for a nerd like me, lol. 2
seren Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 I have chronic insomnia, marry that with a knackered back and it is a recipe for unhealthy amounts on internet surfing on all manner of stuff. If anyone went through my surfing history they would wonder at the jumble and probably section me! I think in the early days after D Day the going back over and over the mechanics of the A are a mechanism for wanting to believe what the WS has said. The need to ask the why? questions. For me, there came a point when I just got bored with it all, I got tired of asking the same thing over and over. I think this endless questioning makes the WS uncomfortable as they very often just want to forget the A and move along, not so if you are the one searching for answers. It will of course deflect from the hard work of reconciliation and believe me it is no walk in the park, to reconcile after D Day is going to break those relationships where there is no strong foundation. it is hard to get your (general) head around how the WS could lie, have an A and present a happy face. I suppose there comes a point where natural questioning slips into obsession and the rebuilding stops as there may be a question that can never be answered, usually, Why didn't you talk to me about things? many WS do anything but answer outright, many want to hide what they have done and many feel guilty when the A is all laid bare, note I say many and not all. 2
Radagast Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Thoughts on this? I have not experience reconciliation, so cannot comment from that perspective, but it has certainly been my experience that this is so when the unfaithful spouse chooses to leave the marriage. My ex-wife could not accept the validity of a single claim on my petition. She was entirely focused on the "symptom" of the affair, to her the marriage itself had been perfectly fine and would have continued to be fine had it not been for my selfishness in wanting to have my own needs met as well as everyone else's. That removed any shadow of a doubt in my mind that I was doing the right thing. If she could not even consider that there was any validity to my unhappiness that might have led to my seeking closeness elsewhere, there was no prospect that the underlying issues in our marriage could ever have been satisfactorily and sustainably resolved. 3
OpenBook Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 It was a quote about healing after an affair, and "the spouse" referred to is the BS. It was a website with TONS of information, and this was in the healing section and the idea behind it (I think) was that if the BS focuses too much on the affair, that this is another form of avoidance in that they are focusing on a "symptom" and not the true problems of the marriage. Yup, I think you (and Brown) nailed it. Avoidance, and lack of accountability for their own M ("It's the OM/OW's fault for ruining my M"). Good luck with THAT victim mentality. The BS's obsession with the OP is illustrated in abundance here with the overwhelming participation of BS's on an Internet forum for OM/OW. Makes one wonder why they're expending so much energy focusing on the OP?? Seems counterproductive to their M, not to mention their own mental health. The ironic part about the whole thing is that if the BS and WS fail to come together and resolve the underlying issues/emotions in the M, the same outcome (cheating) will likely happen again. I don't understand why they would want to go thru that again??? 3
underwater2010 Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Quote: Brown (2001, 89) suggests a spouse's obsession with the affair provides another place for the couple to hide. “It is much easier for the spouse to focus on the drama of the affair than to face all the issues and underlying emotions that have been avoided so far.” Thoughts on this? The obsession with the affair is often a BS way of trying to understand WHY. While it is true that the to hide in the drama and not address the underlying issues is a coping mechanism, how can a BS correct their part of the marriage if they do not have all the answers. In my case, I come here to help other BSs realize that there is hope in reconciliation if they own their part of the marriage and if the WS is willing to work on the part also. I often search the OW/OM side to try and understand why a MOW/OW would want a MM let alone not have the empathy to realize the damage they are helping to cause. Or why the OW/OM would want to put themselves through the pain that comes at the end of the affair. It does not mean that I am hiding from underlying issues. It is simple curiosty. 3
Got it Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 I have not experience reconciliation, so cannot comment from that perspective, but it has certainly been my experience that this is so when the unfaithful spouse chooses to leave the marriage. My ex-wife could not accept the validity of a single claim on my petition. She was entirely focused on the "symptom" of the affair, to her the marriage itself had been perfectly fine and would have continued to be fine had it not been for my selfishness in wanting to have my own needs met as well as everyone else's. That removed any shadow of a doubt in my mind that I was doing the right thing. If she could not even consider that there was any validity to my unhappiness that might have led to my seeking closeness elsewhere, there was no prospect that the underlying issues in our marriage could ever have been satisfactorily and sustainably resolved. Very similar to dMM's case as well. Any discussion of his needs meant selfishness including his feelings over her affair. 1
Author AnotherRound Posted September 30, 2012 Author Posted September 30, 2012 I do understand WHY some BSs do this - obsessively focus on the AP and are convinced that was the only problem. Sometimes, they are so blindsided by the affair that in their world, the affair really WAS the only problem - as they were not aware of any other problems (for whatever reason - denial, avoidance, etc.). I just thought the quote was dead on. It would be like if you stepped on a nail and were losing blood profusely from your foot... but instead of focusing on stopping the bleeding and taking care of your foot - you just yelled at the nail and cursed it and hated it and lamented on how it hurt your foot for the next week, or month, or year. Eventually, you are going to bleed to death that way... as you're not addressing the real problem at all, but the identified "cause" of the problem in your own mind. I guess that there are some situations where the WS was the sole cause of the problem. I keep hearing about "entitled" WSs who have zero reason (according to some, I don't know all the situations, so can't verify it or call it false) to have an affair bc they are in a perfectly satisfying and happy marriage. But from all my reading, it seems that there is usually some weakness in the relationship prior to an affair. And I have no idea now, looking back, why I DIDN'T focus on the OW of my exHs. I just remember when he asked me not to hurt her (lmao), I looked at him oddly and said, "why would I? She's NOT the problem here." It was an off the cuff feeling, but it struck me as true throughout. I never gave her more than a very brief and momentary thought and then my focus immediately went to "why was my husband unhappy enough to seek out another woman?". It's an odd thing sometimes, how our minds work - and our hearts! And of course, I think obsessing about anything is unhealthy (and as a dxd OCD sufferer, I often catch myself being obsessed with thinking about things! lol), even though I can understand why it happens, and why people do it. I just think that in the end, it's not going to do anyone any good, kind of like worrying. It just seems like a lot of wasted energy to me - and I waste enough time in my life as it is, I don't need another thing to eat up my time that isn't going to be conducive to anything I'm trying to do! lol
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