niknak Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Hello All, I was searching for some online thoughts about my current situation and stumbled across this site. As The title says - I have fallen in love with an escort girl. Here is some background. I have known her for the last 7 years, and would see her for paid "dates" every few months. Sometimes more frequently, sometimes less, but I always enjoyed our time together. She seemed to like me too. I know the whole escort experience is somewhat of an "illusion" in that you are paying them to pretend they care, etc. I always felt close to her emotionally but at some point about a year ago I sensed something had changed. She was opening up and talking to me about her personal life, and her feelings. Long story short, I asked her out for a "normal" date to go to a concert. She told me she couldn't go at night but she agreed to meet me for lunch one day. She told me she wasn't "free" she was married to a jerk who managed to abuse her and land in jail. She is in the process of divorcing him. Since he is out of the picture for now she has become more attached to me. I helped her move to a new apartment, and have begun to spend 5 or 6 nights a week overnight with her. We go out and do the things "normal" couples do - restaurants, movies, shopping, etc. Of course I no longer pay her and we have a great time sexually. She's even talking about marriage in the future. When I bring up her profession, she says she needs to earn as much money as she can now as she will need it to live in the future. Although I have a steady job with a good income she can make 4 or 5 times as much as I can in a month. She said I shouldn't worry about what she does, that when she makes love to me it's from her heart. In summary, other than what she does for a living, we are very compatible in our likes, dislikes, favorite hobbies, etc. I'd just like some opinions on where you guys think this is going. Is it possible she wants a "normal" relationship or is she just setting me up for a huge disappointment? When I bring up the money issue, she says she doesn't care if I'm rich or poor only that we are "compatible" She says she wants to get out of the business by the time she's 40 which is still 7 years away. Do you think I can remain sane enough to endure the next 7 years knowing what she does for a living? Thanks to all !
Robert Z Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Do you think I can remain sane enough to endure the next 7 years knowing what she does for a living? Thanks to all ! I think the real question is, do you? I don't see any reason to think she is toying with you. How do you feel about it now? Does it bother you to think of what she does?
FitChick Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Enjoy it until the husband gets out of jail. I bet she goes back to him. 5
Robert Z Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Enjoy it until the husband gets out of jail. I bet she goes back to him. Why? Beyond taking a wild, negative, cheap shot, just to be negative, why would you assume this?
todreaminblue Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Hello All, I was searching for some online thoughts about my current situation and stumbled across this site. As The title says - I have fallen in love with an escort girl. Here is some background. I have known her for the last 7 years, and would see her for paid "dates" every few months. Sometimes more frequently, sometimes less, but I always enjoyed our time together. She seemed to like me too. I know the whole escort experience is somewhat of an "illusion" in that you are paying them to pretend they care, etc. I always felt close to her emotionally but at some point about a year ago I sensed something had changed. She was opening up and talking to me about her personal life, and her feelings. Long story short, I asked her out for a "normal" date to go to a concert. She told me she couldn't go at night but she agreed to meet me for lunch one day. She told me she wasn't "free" she was married to a jerk who managed to abuse her and land in jail. She is in the process of divorcing him. Since he is out of the picture for now she has become more attached to me. I helped her move to a new apartment, and have begun to spend 5 or 6 nights a week overnight with her. We go out and do the things "normal" couples do - restaurants, movies, shopping, etc. Of course I no longer pay her and we have a great time sexually. She's even talking about marriage in the future. When I bring up her profession, she says she needs to earn as much money as she can now as she will need it to live in the future. Although I have a steady job with a good income she can make 4 or 5 times as much as I can in a month. She said I shouldn't worry about what she does, that when she makes love to me it's from her heart. In summary, other than what she does for a living, we are very compatible in our likes, dislikes, favorite hobbies, etc. I'd just like some opinions on where you guys think this is going. Is it possible she wants a "normal" relationship or is she just setting me up for a huge disappointment? When I bring up the money issue, she says she doesn't care if I'm rich or poor only that we are "compatible" She says she wants to get out of the business by the time she's 40 which is still 7 years away. Do you think I can remain sane enough to endure the next 7 years knowing what she does for a living? Thanks to all ! working girl relationships are a hard ask for the guy in question.....it isn't appropriate fro a guy to date a girl who is still working the issues will arise that aren't pleasant to have in a relationship......that's my opinion either she leaves her escorting days behind to have a relationship with you or she continues to make money that way....if money isn't the issue she doesnt care if you are poor be poor together....she shouldn't mind getting a normal job......it is not a good idea on anyone's behalf to start a relationship where one of the partners is a professional dater....huge problems.......you will nto remain sane.......its worse enough telling a guy if you have that in your past and have him deal with that........dont put yourself through seven years of it into your future.....its not fair on you...if she loves you she will quit......deb 1
Robert Z Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 ...if she loves you she will quit......deb What makes you so sure? How can you know her mind and heart?
todreaminblue Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 (edited) What makes you so sure? How can you know her mind and heart? I don't know her mind and heart.I gave you my opinion based on the industry your girlfriend is in...not her mind and heart......her mind however will be on other men it has to be, it is her job..even if she doesn't like it it will be, the longer she stays it has more of an effect...and if she continues to work in it for seven years which is not actually the span of a working escort......its a short term high turn over industry because it chews people up and spits them out and women are the ones getting chewed up its not glamorous...i don't care if people see it as limos and high class.....its never high class.....its being in the trenches and a lot of pain is there..its not all rich men adn pretty woman syndrome.... there is only so long a woman can work in it without maintaining damage emotionally and physically.....seven years is over due by about four years..in reality its overdue by seven years.....its not fun....three years is a normal if you can call it that...its not normal. Your girlfriend will have residual effects coming home from work......which will carry on into your relationship if she quits does that not show you her dating other men is less important than a relationship with you?.....a choice needs to be made.. i knew this girl who was in the industry her boyfriend got her the job they didn't work out...he didnt care about her at all to get her that job and he got paid for it..a large sum she was not aware of...which she found out later much later.....end of relationship..because he didnt love her he didnt mind her working...she quit and it still didn't work out for them.....damage was done.....this is my opinion going on an industry where i have seen relationships fail........my opinion is mine and you can take it or discard it....i only wish you the best and I have been honest.....good luck.....best wishes.....deb Edited September 28, 2012 by todreaminblue
JamesM Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 I know of a guy who also felt as you did for an escort. The girl was very bewitching. She even quite the industry. But in reality, he was rich enough to support her so that she didn't need to work. Long story short...she milked him for what he had, and he never quit loving her until she left after a few years. I won't fill in all of the details, but she did get busted after she left him and got remarried. I don't know what happened to him, but the hurt he endured thinking she actually loved him changed him. She now has started over in the industry as more of a "massage therapist" and psychic. Yet she continues to push the limits of the law and I have no doubt that she will find some other guy. As for your situation, I have no doubt that this girl may "love" you. The question is how much. You mentioned an abusive husband who she is divorcing (but hasn't). It is likely that since she knows you as one of her favorite clients, she was able to imagine you as a BF during this difficult time. You may be the rebound guy. As don't forget...your question is can you forget her profession while with her. The other side of that is can she forget the fact that you visited her (and others) for sex instead of building a relationship with a woman. Can you trust her not to want to go back into her profession if she does quit, and can she trust you not to want to pay for sex when she is no longer the one who sexually interests you? While it is possible to build a relationship from where this one started, it is risky and not so likely.
Emilia Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Why? Beyond taking a wild, negative, cheap shot, just to be negative, why would you assume this? Because it is what abused women with a damaged self-worth do 1
Eve Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 I have worked with women who are prostitutes and would say that the work they do often becomes an intrenched part of their personality. Mainly this is expressed via a subtle yet also strict compartmentalisation of their social and emotional roles. In essence, practically speaking, as soon as you have left the room, you will be placed in a box until the next time she sees you. It is a survival technique, linked closely to pattens seen with people who have been sexually abused. So, any progress you see may not be what you think it actually is. Of course, not all are like this but it may be difficult for her to assign you a full time place in her life because of what I have tried to described to you. I mean, how much do you know about her past? In many respects, you have been playing along by not saying anything ealier. OP, if what you say is true, you should have insisted earlier that she leave her profession before mingling your life with hers. Personally, I would say that it is now too late to be calling the shots. Realistically, it is up to you to make up your mind what you are going to do. I would agree with the dynamic that she may return to her currently prison bound ex partner. It is likely that he could be useful to her if she is to continue with her current life plan. Take care, Eve x
Robert Z Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 I have worked with women who are prostitutes and would say that the work they do often becomes an intrenched part of their personality. Mainly this is expressed via a subtle yet also strict compartmentalisation of their social and emotional roles. In essence, practically speaking, as soon as you have left the room, you will be placed in a box until the next time she sees you. It is a survival technique, linked closely to pattens seen with people who have been sexually abused. In the confessions of a call girl thread, the op commented that she thinks about her clients all the time. But call girls learn to separate work from pleasure, just as we must all do. But this is something she is still trying to achieve. She said it's hard to not get involved with her clients personal lives. If people are going to make comparisons, it is important to distinguise street walkers and bar flies from high-end call girls. They are very different worlds.
Eve Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 If people are going to make comparisons, it is important to distinguise street walkers and bar flies from high-end call girls. They are very different worlds. I would argue that the esteem connected to being an 'escort' could put an even harder slant on the decision making process; both sides could be compelled further into thinking that she is more entitled to pause because she is 'not quite like' other prostitutes. This is a falsity. Really she just earns more and is less likely to come into view of services that can help. If the OP wants to help her I would advise that he ask that she talks to a professional whilst making any decision about their relationship. Take care, Eve x
LuckyLady13 Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Um...I'm sure that sometimes there's abuse and low self-esteem and whatever other bad things going on with an escort or prostitute but sometimes that's not the case. A woman I knew closely used men for money in this way so fast and with no problems at all doing it. I'm eating a small box of raisins right now and as fast as I can eat these little raisins, one after the other is how fast she could go through men for their money. In her mind though, even though I saw her as almost a predator preying on men who were socially awkward who couldn't get themselves together for a real relationship with a woman, she kept thinking the entire time that through her work, she may meet the guy she's been looking for to get into a relationship with. All the guys who weren't her type? She just thought "Next! Next! Next!" like the guys had no feelings. And every single solitary man, everyone thought he might be the guy she's interested in because she seemed so interested and seemed so nice. Every guy thought she liked him more than the others. In the end, she found a guy she somewhat liked but after a little while, she got bored and missed all the money and dumped him.
Eve Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Um...I'm sure that sometimes there's abuse and low self-esteem and whatever other bad things going on with an escort or prostitute but sometimes that's not the case. Yes, I have found that there are some people (not just prostitutes but within all walks of life) who are simply not open to self reflection and as such see no problem with what they are doing to themselves or to others. The talking point of concern in these cases will come usually from someone who wants better for them/is trying to tame them. My view would be to ascertain if they want change as a priority. If they do not, don't bother with them. I only believe in there being ways to help people out of such lifestyles - but if they decide to stay it is better to invest time elsewhere rather than try to convince them otherwise. It is also wise to look closely at why you want to help them. Take care, Eve x
Lobouspo Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 This thread reminds of that classic South Park episode where Butters falls for the Hooters type girl, and she goes along to just squeeze him for money, until he takes his parents there to meet her.
Author niknak Posted September 29, 2012 Author Posted September 29, 2012 Thanks to all for your comments.... to answer a few of your comments in no particular order I should explain some more.... She's not a "high class lifestyle" escort. It's more of a massage parlor setting where services above and beyond the basic massage can be negotiated. She comes from a country where massage with "happy endings" is common and a quazi-acceptable occupation. Its widely accepted that men need to visit "comfort girls" , and so it is more of an occupational opportunity for the girl if she has the personality and looks to do it. She reassures me that it is just her "occupation" and that her heart is true to me. So far in the past 3 months she's done nothing to lead me to believe otherwise. When she's not working, we are together and she treats me better than my ex-gf. The husband was jailed for spousal abuse but he is out of jail and out of sight. She has nothing but derogatory remarks for him. She said that the marriage was a "green card thing" and there was no love involved. She has no intention of going back to him. The divorce is working its way through the court, since the ex would not just agree to a divorce unless she paid him off with money. She told me she would never give him a penny of her money. I don't think there is any chance she is going back with him. As I stated before she wants to stay in the business to earn enough money to buy a house and have a secure future. She has told me that she wants to buy a home together with me and has opened up a joint savings account with me. - I know what you must be thinking - she's just waiting for me to put all the money I can in the account with the promise that "one day we will buy a house together" and then clean it out. I tend to agree with that thought except the account is in my name only (at her request) and she has put thousands of dollars in there already. As far as me being a rebound guy, once again I would tend to agree except for the fact that she has plenty of opportunities all day to be around a lot of guys but when she comes home she wants me to be by her side. For an example, she had a friend from her country come and visit for two months, last July and August. The friend was staying with some other friends, but on the day before she was leaving to go back home, there was an awful flood in the apartment whee she was staying. The friend asked my friend if it would be all right to stay at her place for one night since it was closer to the airport. My friend asked her where will you sleep? I chimed in that she could share the bed with my friend, and I would either stay home that night or sleep on the couch at her place. She was very annoyed with me saying that my place was beside her in her bed, and her friend could sleep on the couch or go to a hotel She has studied and applied and has been sworn in as a citizen now so there is no issue about needing to be married to legally stay in the country She has given me her ID, and SS card so that I can run her credit reports in advance of us purchasing a home together. When my mom was ill and in the hospital she came with me to visit her a number of times As far as using me for money - as I said, Although I make a decent salary and can support myself, she can easily earn 4 or 5 times my monthly salary I don't have that much money for her to take. If that is what she wanted to do I'm sure lots of the guys getting massages have more money than me. She has told me she doesn't care if I'm rich or poor only that we are compatible. As far as her getting a normal job, she has said they all pay "peanuts" compared to what she can make. For some added insight, I will tell you a story she told me when we were talking about our pasts and what it was like growing up for me, and her in China. She said that her family was poor and lived in a very small government apartment. One day when she was 10 years old a classmate came to play after school at her home. All went well but the next day at school the girl told the rest of her classmates that my friend "lived in a very cheap, poor house in a cheap government apartment". This embarrassed my friend and she told me that right then she made up her mind that she was never going to be poor. Apparently there was a woman in the neighborhood who was a masseuse and made good money, always dressed in nice clothing, etc. and my friend resolved that that was what she was going to do when she was older. She started out there doing that kind of work, then moved to the UK, and Canada before moving to the USA 7 years ago. There is a whole undergroumd network of Asian women working in massage parlors in cities across the USA. It is very easy to find a job looking at the ads in the Chinese language papers. They can move around to different cities if they want or stay local. My friend stays local but she told me in the past she would go away for a week or so to another city, usually a few hours away. She showed me the paper and pointed out the cities, there were jobs listed for just about every state in the country. My friend says that its good to go different places since the clientèle likes to see new faces and gets bored if the same girls are there every time. She told me she wants to stay local now so that at night she can be home with me. She adjusted her schedule to work when I'm working and to be off when I'm off so that we can be together. Thx for all the comments I appreciate your insight
jcrew11 Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 I suppose it could work, but really only if she leaves the business. No other job pays as much, but that kind of job breeds distrust. If you are serious about marriage, just get her pregnant and she'll be stuck with you for a few years. If you don't want kids, then don't get married, your wallet will be happier.
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