ace5950 Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 long story short. My ex of 12+ years broke up with me 6 months ago. Very messy break up, he did a lot of mean unnecessary things to me. a few weeks ago he tells me that he made a mistake, is still in love me with and wants to get back together. I agree to meet with him to have a talk. During our talk I tell him if we are going to get back together he has to do 3 things for me. 1. Make me a priority. For a lot of our relationship I was always put on the back burner to his friends, drinking and work. 2.cut back on drinking- hes got a drinking problem 3. Have no contact/delete off Facebook and girls hes messed around with since our break up. my "demands" pissed him off and now I am pretty sure he doesn't want to get back together. I thought these were pretty reasonable requests but maybe I am wrong. am I just being an emotional women or what here?
beyond Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 long story short. My ex of 12+ years broke up with me 6 months ago. Very messy break up, he did a lot of mean unnecessary things to me. a few weeks ago he tells me that he made a mistake, is still in love me with and wants to get back together. I agree to meet with him to have a talk. During our talk I tell him if we are going to get back together he has to do 3 things for me. 1. Make me a priority. For a lot of our relationship I was always put on the back burner to his friends, drinking and work. 2.cut back on drinking- hes got a drinking problem 3. Have no contact/delete off Facebook and girls hes messed around with since our break up. my "demands" pissed him off and now I am pretty sure he doesn't want to get back together. I thought these were pretty reasonable requests but maybe I am wrong. am I just being an emotional women or what here? Totally reasonable requests. What does his reaction to this tell you?
CarrieT Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 I thought these were pretty reasonable requests but maybe I am wrong. am I just being an emotional women or what here? They are VERY reasonable requests. However... 2.cut back on drinking- hes got a drinking problem You can't reason with an alcoholic. I tried. They are going to drink what they are going to drink. Ultimately, my relationship ended as he chose alcohol over me. It is usually not an ultimatum you can give someone and a true alcoholic, when given such an ultimatum, will choose the booze. Sounds like you are better off without him.
Calico Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 The drinking request is reasonable. If he is an alcoholic, the addiction will kill any hope for a healthy and viable relationship. Don't expose yourself to that. The two other demands are unrealistic and make it clear that you cannot have a relationship with him again. This is broken and will remain broken. You don't trust him and you want to control him, that's what those demands say loud and clearly, and that's what he reacted to. Look for a partner whom you effortlessly trust and who makes you a priority without you having to chain them to you. Love doesn't require contracts and terms.
Author ace5950 Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 They are VERY reasonable requests. However... You can't reason with an alcoholic. I tried. They are going to drink what they are going to drink. Ultimately, my relationship ended as he chose alcohol over me. It is usually not an ultimatum you can give someone and a true alcoholic, when given such an ultimatum, will choose the booze. Sounds like you are better off without him. Hearing this kills me, but I know its the truth. This is what I said cut back on the drinking instead of giving it up because I know he would choose the booze over me.
Calico Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 This is what I said cut back on the drinking instead of giving it up because I know he would choose the booze over me. Alcoholics can't "cut back" on the drinking in the way you believe it's possible. They can extend the periods between binging, but that doesn't change anything because alcoholism isn't just the physical aspects; there is a mental component, and it's the bigger part of the problem than the physical need. With alcohol, if it's an addiction, it's all or nothing.
Author ace5950 Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 The drinking request is reasonable. If he is an alcoholic, the addiction will kill any hope for a healthy and viable relationship. Don't expose yourself to that. The two other demands are unrealistic and make it clear that you cannot have a relationship with him again. This is broken and will remain broken. You don't trust him and you want to control him, that's what those demands say loud and clearly, and that's what he reacted to. Look for a partner whom you effortlessly trust and who makes you a priority without you having to chain them to you. Love doesn't require contracts and terms. Hmm.. My intent was not to be controlling. Ive pretty much let him do what he wants when he wants for our entire relationship. I personally don't see a need for him to keep in contact with random girls he's hooked up with in the past 6 months. These would be all new girls, none of them have been long time friends or anything like that. As far as for making me a prority this is a must. I by no means mean he has to make Me #1 all the time. By this I mean I want him to spend time with me, show interest in things that are important to me... I'm running a marathon in a week and wanted him there for support...stuff like that. maybe he took these as me trying to controll him and that's why he got mad. Thanks for your input.
CarrieT Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Alcoholics can't "cut back" on the drinking in the way you believe it's possible. ^^ THIS ^^ Hearing this kills me, but I know its the truth. This is what I said cut back on the drinking instead of giving it up because I know he would choose the booze over me. Ace, I tried the same sort of negotiation. When I started my Ex, he would wake up in the morning and pour vodka in his orange juice and continue drinking all day long. I "negotiated" that he drink apple or pear cider in the morning instead; thinking that a 4% alcoholic drink would be a step closer to sobriety than the hard alcohol he was consuming. That's why I said you can't request something like moderation of alcohol consumption. Because it just never (or rarely?) works with a true alcoholic. They have to want to cut back on their own and not for someone else.
Author ace5950 Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 ^^ THIS ^^ Ace, I tried the same sort of negotiation. When I started my Ex, he would wake up in the morning and pour vodka in his orange juice and continue drinking all day long. I "negotiated" that he drink apple or pear cider in the morning instead; thinking that a 4% alcoholic drink would be a step closer to sobriety than the hard alcohol he was consuming. That's why I said you can't request something like moderation of alcohol consumption. Because it just never (or rarely?) works with a true alcoholic. They have to want to cut back on their own and not for someone else. This is what everyone keeps telling me. I am worried that he would just find better ways to hide it from me like drinking when I am at work and then stopping with enough time to sober up before I get home. It hurts when someone chooses booze over you but I know realistically there is nothing I can do about it. If he doesn't want to stop then nothing I can say or do will change anything.
Leigh 87 Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 ....Why would he need to keep in contact with some girls he hooked up with, once he was back with you? Why the need to talk to them still? Guy's only need to talk to such girls to flirt and to possible cave in and hook up with them again:sick: And I know this is off topic, but how soon did he mess around with other people? It is just with me ( and my own partner) we cannot really fathom hooking up with new people, whe your still in love and stuck on another person. 1
LostOne1 Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 I'll say this.. if he REALLY loved you, he would accept those demands. I wish my ex woulda sat down and talked. But it ain't happening and this guy is nuts. He gets to sit down and talk.. and doesn't even want to meet you halfway. Some people are nuts really...
Author ace5950 Posted September 30, 2012 Author Posted September 30, 2012 ....Why would he need to keep in contact with some girls he hooked up with, once he was back with you? Why the need to talk to them still? Guy's only need to talk to such girls to flirt and to possible cave in and hook up with them again:sick: And I know this is off topic, but how soon did he mess around with other people? It is just with me ( and my own partner) we cannot really fathom hooking up with new people, whe your still in love and stuck on another person. The one girl he didn't want to delete off his facebook is a coworker... well kind of. He claims nothing happened between the two of them, which I do believe but I know they went out. I think he was interested in her until then went out and realized it was a no go. I have no idea how soon he started hooking up with girls, or what he did, or anything like that. I personally agree with the hooking up with random people while you are still in love with someone, I have no interest in that right now. I think was going through GIGS, and wanted to see what else was out there.
Author ace5950 Posted September 30, 2012 Author Posted September 30, 2012 i agree, ace5950 , this guy has no respect for you whatsoever. He has no respect for himself by the looks of it. and no Leigh 87, it`s not off topic at all, but you hit the nail on the head. Why would anyone hook up with someone else so quick when they still are in `love` with you? 1, cos they are lying to you about the way they really feel about you.. or 2, You mean nothing to them..or 3, They `like` you but will use you, to get whatever they want from you 4. They are insecure 5...6..7.. the list is infinate.. Personally if it was me, and i truly loved you. i`d agree with all your demands except the 1st 1. Make me a priority A healthy relationship is give and take. even ppl in love need `time alone`. We all need time to ourselves, to do what WE want to do, we are individuals and should be respected as such. I completely agree with you for the make me a priority issue. I love my time alone. We work opposite hours, him nights me days, so when we were living together I only saw him from 6:30pm-10pm a few days a week. we only share the same days off i would say less then 15 times a year maybe? By making me a priority I just wanted us to spend a little more time together. Towards the end of our relationship we both got comfortable, lazy and almost started to live separate lives. Hes obsessed with working and works sometimes 60-80 hrs a week, which is unnecessary and not needed to pay our bills. He's notorious for not wanting to make plans and I just wanted us to go out, or stay in and spend some quality time together. The issue was, was that when we met and I told him what I needed from him he just got mad and our conversation did not go over well. The only one we really discussed was about the having no contact with the girls issue. He said well I can kinda see where you are coming from but I don't think its that big of a deal. Personally if I he was uncomfortable with me having a guy as my Facebook friend (for a good reason) I would delete them. If he wanted me to delete my whole Facebook, I would. Its just Facebook... who cares! I really have no idea which one of my "demands" as he likes to call them he is pissed off about. I am trying to be reasonable but I know that these are things I need from him... I am willing to work on them but that a hard thing to do as he is not an easy person to communicate with.
I'm nuts Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Forget it, a leopard can't change it's spots, this guy is not I repeat is not going to change one iota, neither 1,2 or 3 he will not change. If you're not a priority now you never will be. Cut back on drinking, oh dear, forget it. Delete girls of facebook, he might, but they will be replaced by others. These people are unchangeable, you will not change them. It is not unreasonable, it would get me down too and I'm a bloke, but it ain't gonna happen.
Author ace5950 Posted September 30, 2012 Author Posted September 30, 2012 Forget it, a leopard can't change it's spots, this guy is not I repeat is not going to change one iota, neither 1,2 or 3 he will not change. If you're not a priority now you never will be. Cut back on drinking, oh dear, forget it. Delete girls of facebook, he might, but they will be replaced by others. These people are unchangeable, you will not change them. It is not unreasonable, it would get me down too and I'm a bloke, but it ain't gonna happen. It hurts to read this but i know its the truth. Its hard to give up on someone you love and have spent the past 12 years of you life with. The old me would have taken him back in a second no questions asked, so at least the new me told him what I would need in order to be happy and if he can't do these things I know its not going to work. I really don't think its wrong to want to be a priority in your significant others life... I mean in all reality do I really want to be with someone who doesn't consider me a priority?
I'm nuts Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Many blokes my self included will put other priorities first in our life. It may be our job, football, beer, our mates, we just focus on other things we think are important. Priority wise you should be the first person, facebook is bad, so are dating sites, there is just too much temptation these days to meet and find people making a good relationship hard, I know I have experienced this myself it's not nice other blokes making snide comments about someone you love or scoring her out of 10 So I agree 100% with you but I am very old fashioned when it comes to relationships. 2
Sameold Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 This guy should want to delete these girls, he should be begging for forgiveness and showing you how he is going to attend AA meetings etc. Until then this relationship is broken and you need to try and move your own life forward. Everything you have requested is reasonable, but that is just it, you have requested he behaves reasonably and quite simply you just should not have to! 1
Author ace5950 Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 How did you meet? We worked together. I met him when he was 15, I was 17. We were friends for two years before we started dating.
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