Is it easier to move on if they leave you for someone else?

September 27, 2012

I'm sure this question has been asked a hundred times here, but I'm curious. My ex didn't leave me for anyone, but just wanted to be single- or at least, not be with me. I know that he's been on dates since we broke up and apparently now, according to mutual friends, has completely moved on from me and is happier and more outgoing than he ever was before we dated. Of course that thrills me to know that him dumping me and breaking my heart has turned him into a cooler person.

I see him out every now and then and neither of us acknowledges the other (mature, I know). But for me- what else is there to say? "Hey, hope those other girls are giving you what apparently I couldn't."

I feel like I wasted so much time after the breakup pining for him and living in this state of limbo feeling that it was only a matter of time before he came to his senses. If he would have left me for someone else, I'm not sure I would have held out for months and months hoping for him to come back.

What do you guys think? Is it easier when they leave you for another?

September 27, 2012

she left for someone else in my case.

I can tell you: I spent quite a bit of time thinking this was just an infatuation, that he's a rebound, whatever,...

Plenty of ways to cling onto hope that she'd come back for many months.

Whether it is easier, I can't tell. I find it f*cking hard.

September 27, 2012

pretty sure its much. much worse... at least from a guys standpoint. You obsess over "the other man." Its eats at you and tears you apart if you let it. It much easier to take when its just the two of you and things didn't work out. Its usually not because of anything you did or because they don't have feelings for you anymore anyway - its just because the spark went out or the people went in different directions... it happens. Another person in the mix adds a way more sinister element imo

September 27, 2012

I don't think it helps them personally. If anything it just delays the inevitable healing they need to do.

Three years ago I got into a relationship with my now ex boyfriend. I was naive at the time, believed every word he said, but at the end of the day, he started a relationship with me a mere two weeks after dumping his long term girlfriend.

We had been strictly friends for about three months prior to that but i was falling for him (I wasn't aware he had a girlfriend, so don't bash me!)

He finally came clean that he had a girlfriend and at that point I told him he either needed to make it work with her, or he needed to end it with her if he wanted to be with me. There wasn't any sharing to be going on.

So in the end he chose me. We had what I thought was an amazing relationship. We just clicked. We had chemistry. We were super affectionate, we spent all our time together, did new things. His family members told me they'd never seen him this happy in years. I was beyond elated.

Well, come to find out that 4 months into this "oh so wonderful" relationship, he cheated on me with his ex. He finally confessed around our two year anniversary because someone threatened to tell me. He said that things were "horrible" between us, and that he was so unhappy and he didn't know if he wanted his ex back, and we were having so many problems?

This was all news to me because our first YEAR together was problem free. No fights. All we did was stare lovingly into each other's eyes. Go on vacations. All of this "miserable" stuff he was telling me made ZERO sense to me. Because he didn't relay those feelings to me.

In one breath during his confession he was saying that our first vacation together was our best trip and that's when he was happiest, and in the second breath he was saying things were so bad and that's why he cheated.

Just for time frame reference here, our first vacation happened when we were at our 3 month mark, he cheated on me literally 3 weeks later. So he's either full of s.hit or he just has no idea what he's remembering.

Anyway, yeah, he left his ex for me, and no it doesn't appear he was any happier even though he put on that facade. Even though multiple family members told me he was so happy and that he was smiling again. His entire family LOVED me. They saw a complete change in him. But it was lies from his end. On his end, he was still unhappy. And I was nothing but a rebound. A rebound which lasted almost three years, and towards the end was so unhealthy for me, so horrible, so dysfunctional.

If he's "so happy" now, I bet it's a front. It's a front to hide from any pain. He's just enjoying the "newness." Once it wears off he'll be right where he left off and he'll come crashing back to reality. And then there's even more pain and hurt left in his wake.

September 27, 2012

My girlfriend left me after 3 years and had just moved in for 90 days. She was as far as I knew super happy, was talking marriage and buying a condo with me just a week before she left me for a guy younger than both of us. Me 28 Her 26 Him 23. It's not easy because I wonder what he offered her that I didn't. He's a pot dealer but I'm much better looking and have a trade job. I don't know why she left, we didn't really have blow out fights, just the odd spat.

I don't think it makes it easier knowing they have a crutch and **** buddy right away to deal with it, while I'm stuck being alone to pick up the pieces.

Ive wrote all my stuff out in a thread on here.

September 27, 2012

I'm sorry for all of your experiences. I can see now that if my ex had left me for someone, I would definitely be comparing myself to the new person wondering what they had that I didn't. I guess the moral is that being broken up with is no fun regardless of the circumstances.

September 27, 2012

Oh and also, take solace in the fact that most people that do this (leave one relationship right into the next) are emotionally unavailable people, ore they are emotionally immature people.

One trait I really noticed with my ex is that he's completely incapable of manning up to the next level. He expects that relationships just cruise on the same level always. No problems, always happy, zero conflict, always a spark. He's completely living in a dream world.

Relationships take a lot of work, especially once you start getting into the long term ones. There are going to be problems, ups and downs, and it's up to the couple to work through it and come through cleaner on the other side.

These "jumpers" I will call them, can't take the intensity or stress of a real relationship. They run at the sign of problems. Instead of sticking around and working through issues, they end it, and jump into the next thing. The new thing. The thing that has no baggage, no drama. It's a clean slate for them, and they can hide right back into their dream world.

Once problems start with that, they'll jump again.

The problem is within themselves. Not with us. It's not like the new person is any better, or is offering something more.

September 27, 2012

My ex had cheated on me and then got instantly together with the same guy when I walked away from it all. In spite of the extra pain, I think it was ultimately for the better.

If she had not done this, I may not have been able to let go as quickly (not that it was fast, but I didn't get stuck for months) and just kept trying to get her back (even longer than I did). I would also have fretted over her possibly getting together with someone else, worried that every day of NC removes me more and more from the picture (wrong way of looking at it, but easy to do), and I would probably have kept asking and checking if she found someone else, making it all much worse in the process.

I was never tempted to fall into that trap because the worst had happened right together with everything else: she was with someone else. It's something that is bound to happen anyway, so getting to deal with it early on may be an advantage.

But at the end of the day, YOU have to do the moving forward and the letting go. It's hard no matter what happened, and it's your work regardless of what the ex does or doesn't do. Only because they didn't start dating someone else doesn't mean that they want you back. The finality is no different.

September 27, 2012

I'm sorry for all of your experiences. I can see now that if my ex had left me for someone, I would definitely be comparing myself to the new person wondering what they had that I didn't. I guess the moral is that being broken up with is no fun regardless of the circumstances.

I actually found out that my ex was dating about a month or two after our split.

This was after telling me he just wanted to be single to "find himself." He really thought I was so stupid. I knew there was someone else, I felt it.

And it's hilarious because his new girl looks EXACTLY like me. Same hair. Same religion, same body type, same structure. It's like he jumped from a long term relationship with me, to a "KatZee version 2" that had no baggage. The only difference is that she's about 6 years younger than me. Which further proves my point that my ex is so emotionally immature. He can't man up at 27 to move to engagement. He needs to date children so he can hide and stay in his perpetual limbo.

I saw her and just LAUGHED my a.ss off because the girl is literally me. And then I laughed even HARDER when I found out she was canned not even 30 days later.

I'm LOVING the fact that I pretty much set the bar for every relationship that comes through his life now. I'm a tough act to follow and I'd never compare myself to anyone. I know I was an AMAZING girlfriend from start to finish. I had guys lined up at my door trying to date me once they knew I was single.

I actually told my ex "Good luck!! Because you'll need it." Karma's a b.itch and she's coming for him.

September 27, 2012

I actually found out that my ex was dating about a month or two after our split.

This was after telling me he just wanted to be single to "find himself." He really thought I was so stupid. I knew there was someone else, I felt it.

And it's hilarious because his new girl looks EXACTLY like me. Same hair. Same religion, same body type, same structure. It's like he jumped from a long term relationship with me, to a "KatZee version 2" that had no baggage. The only difference is that she's about 6 years younger than me. Which further proves my point that my ex is so emotionally immature. He can't man up at 27 to move to engagement. He needs to date children so he can hide and stay in his perpetual limbo.

I saw her and just LAUGHED my a.ss off because the girl is literally me. And then I laughed even HARDER when I found out she was canned not even 30 days later.

I'm LOVING the fact that I pretty much set the bar for every relationship that comes through his life now. I'm a tough act to follow and I'd never compare myself to anyone. I know I was an AMAZING girlfriend from start to finish. I had guys lined up at my door trying to date me once they knew I was single.

I actually told my ex "Good luck!! Because you'll need it." Karma's a b.itch and she's coming for him.

Srsly Katzee, a lot of your posts scare me sometimes

September 27, 2012

What do you guys think? Is it easier when they leave you for another?

no.

if they leave for someone else, you question YOURSELF and why that other person is better than you.

if they leave because they "don't want to be with you/be in a relationship" then you question YOURSELF and why you aren't good enough for them to be with.

its a lose-lose situation, really.

September 27, 2012

if they leave for someone else, you question YOURSELF and why that other person is better than you.

... and eventually realize that the other person isn't actually better than you.

Well, I guess it depends on who they get together with. In case of my ex, I'm pretty confident that I'm more desirable and interesting than the kid she choose to be with instead. Took a few weeks to realize that, though, so yes, there are those self-doubts to chew on.

September 27, 2012

I told myself if I seen her with someone else it would make it easier and it would because it would mean she was a liar and i'd never want her back. So in theory yes, but at the same time it would really hurt to see her with someone else. Knowing she wants to be single makes it easier. But at the same time, it makes it tougher to let go and realize you won't be together again.

Being with someone else means nothing. I went on a date a few days ago and it didn't mean anything.

September 27, 2012

For me it would be easier. It would give me some sense of finality or closure. The fact alone screams we're over! If he loved me he would have stayed or just asked for space. But to know he is already out with somebody else sends me a message i wasn't good enough..if i was he wouldn't even have the heart, zest or desire to try it with someone new. He should be healing on his own first.

That would make me question his sincerity the entire time we were together...and i refuse to become just an option if they don't work out.

Edited September 27, 2012 by Minka333

September 27, 2012

No, it is much harder. Being left for someone else is extremely traumatic experience and its consequences usually lead to overall change of one's philosophy and worldview regarding relationships. Such an event is likely to mess you up completely and you will never forget the feeling and the pain.

After time, the feelings for the person who did that to you will fade, but you will never forget what happened and how you felt, you always remember the moment in which you find out- whether you see the truth yourself or someone else tells it to you.

If you were left for another man/woman (that does not happen out of the blue) that means that all has happened behind your back. You have been lied and cheated to, manipulated and let down... Your girl/boy proved what you really meant for them and you feel so betrayed. You were thinking about the future together while they were having fun on your expence.

The pain is extreme, believe me. I was left for another man and I still keep on thinking about this 6-7 months later... I witnessed with my own eyes before she or anyone else to tell me... Believe me, I have such a grudge in my soul, such a bitter, heavy burden. I struggle everyday, can't let go...

She is no longer with the other and I found out she's been crying for me every day. You constantly wish the things didn't play out like this but you were left no choice... You wonder what could it be if...

It takes time and you never know what you'll be after making it through. You may have trust issues for the future relationships. BUT, you also can become a better person, grow above this kind of things and make it a good lesson.

But the bitter feeling will never go away when you remember this period of your life...

Good luck, fellas...

September 28, 2012

The answer is no.

Regardless of the reason, rejection still hurts.

September 28, 2012

NO!!! Certainly not for me. I find it makes it MUCH harder.

September 28, 2012

There's also two different ways it can play out though. If they are sneaking behind your back with someone else, then end it with you that's a lot different then them ending it then very quickly starting up with someone else. The latter is not really a big deal to me, I mean as long as they aren't sneaking around behind your back, they are welcome to do whatever they want because you are no longer with them.

September 28, 2012

One trait I really noticed with my ex is that he's completely incapable of manning up to the next level. He expects that relationships just cruise on the same level always. No problems, always happy, zero conflict, always a spark. He's completely living in a dream world.

Did we date the same guy? My ex was shocked that after 6 months the spark had died down. The first few months of a relationship you're super excited all the time and you're willing to go with less sleep and see friends less. But then reality sets in and you do have to be able to make the relationship work with the rest of your life. You have to balance things and shift priorities. Just because it isn't as easy anymore doesn't mean it's the wrong thing.

Remember in Mad Men when Don was dating that psychiatrist then he disappeared for a little bit and decided to marry his 25 year old secretary? When he told the psychiatrist this she said, "I hope she knows you only like the beginnings of things" or something like that. We all like the beginning, it's so fun, but life isn't like that. Eventually you settle into it.. whether it's a new relationship or job or apartment or purse or pair of shoes.

But you're right - the problem is within him.

September 28, 2012

Actually, he left and I didn't know why until someone told me that he was having a hot and heavy affair with a married woman who had 2 children and that he was crazy about her. The person who told me even gave me her name and the town she lived in. Prior to me finding out he denied, denied, denied, that there was anyone else and that he just needed his space. But, I knew he would contact me again one day and I planned on doing a number on him when he did.

Sure enough, last week he called to say 'hello baby'. I was sweet as sugar. I told him how great my life was since I met this great new guy and told him how wonderful this guy was and how happy I was to finally find someone on my intellectual and academic level. LOL. All this a-hole could say was 'gee, that's great. I'm so happy for you.' But he was clearly deflated. Then I lowered the boom on him and in my sweetist voice said, George, by the way, who is this woman who called me the other day? She said her name is XXX from blank town and that she got my number from your cell phone and she wanted to know who I was and what I was to you. He freaked out! He started stumbling and bumbling and kept saying over and over, 'I don't know what you are talking about, I don't know what you are talking about' and he raced to get me off the phone. And I know why, because he was going to call her up and fight with her. LOL. So, little miss sweetness and light me, put a huge seed of distrust between them. Evil huh? Vengence is super sugary sweet!

September 28, 2012

Oh and also, take solace in the fact that most people that do this (leave one relationship right into the next) are emotionally unavailable people, ore they are emotionally immature people.

One trait I really noticed with my ex is that he's completely incapable of manning up to the next level. He expects that relationships just cruise on the same level always. No problems, always happy, zero conflict, always a spark. He's completely living in a dream world.

Relationships take a lot of work, especially once you start getting into the long term ones. There are going to be problems, ups and downs, and it's up to the couple to work through it and come through cleaner on the other side.

These "jumpers" I will call them, can't take the intensity or stress of a real relationship. They run at the sign of problems. Instead of sticking around and working through issues, they end it, and jump into the next thing. The new thing. The thing that has no baggage, no drama. It's a clean slate for them, and they can hide right back into their dream world.

Once problems start with that, they'll jump again.

The problem is within themselves. Not with us. It's not like the new person is any better, or is offering something more.

I am curious and this got me thinking: if they leave when the going gets tough, how on earth are they able to move on to someone else, if they were truly in love with the first person!?!?!

There would have to be some transitional period, where they slowly checked out of the relationship " wow this is not all sunshine and rainbows I am going to phase out of this rather than dealing with all these undesirable issues at hand"

My partner and I have had a lot of issues (that we worked out instead of leaving the relationship). If we DID break up over one of the issues, it really sickens us both to think of moving on to another person right away.

How on earth can a person be totally in love and extremely close with their partner, the just leave and get with another person? .. Feelings do not fade.

He took 7 months after his 4 month travel fling who he loved, before he hooked up with another girl.

I cannot comprehend being with a person, being in love, and then checking out slowly of the relationship untilt he point where you can move on to another person.

I am either really into a person and totally about them, or I do not bother with a relationship at all.

And that aside, even if I did break up with my partner and then realise I had the hots for another guy.... it is just plain RUDE to move on to fast!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I care very much about my partner and I cannot imagine hurting him in that way! :sick:

September 28, 2012

I am curious and this got me thinking: if they leave when the going gets tough, how on earth are they able to move on to someone else, if they were truly in love with the first person!?!?!

There would have to be some transitional period, where they slowly checked out of the relationship " wow this is not all sunshine and rainbows I am going to phase out of this rather than dealing with all these undesirable issues at hand"
My partner and I have had a lot of issues (that we worked out instead of leaving the relationship). If we DID break up over one of the issues, it really sickens us both to think of moving on to another person right away.

How on earth can a person be totally in love and extremely close with their partner, the just leave and get with another person? .. Feelings do not fade.
He took 7 months after his 4 month travel fling who he loved, before he hooked up with another girl.
I cannot comprehend being with a person, being in love, and then checking out slowly of the relationship untilt he point where you can move on to another person.
I am either really into a person and totally about them, or I do not bother with a relationship at all.

And that aside, even if I did break up with my partner and then realise I had the hots for another guy.... it is just plain RUDE to move on to fast!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I care very much about my partner and I cannot imagine hurting him in that way! :sick:

Some people just do this. Usually unavailable people. These people are incapable of really understanding true love, so that's why it's so easy for them to do what they do.

I had a conversation with my ex before it ended. And I remember saying, "I've forgiven you for everything you've ever done to me. I've stayed with you and excused all your behaviors, you know what? Because I unconditionally love you. I love you enough to work when it's hard. And I know now that your love comes with conditions."

And he didn't even say anything to that. He only loved me when I acted the way he wanted me to. When there were no problems. When I wasn't asking him questions about his past, or our issues. The second I pushed him out of his comfort zone he would retreat for days and then try to come back like nothing happened.

The issue is him, not me. He's not suddenly with someone new and in love. He was never in love with anyone except himself to begin with. He's not capable of that lasting kind of love.

September 28, 2012

The thing is, maybe there was someone else who took a interest in them, but since they were in a relationship they didn't do anything and once the relationship was over they went to the person who showed an interest before. It's not that uncommon. Or someone who likes them and is waiting for them to become single, then jumps on the chance.

If it was me I would gladly jump to someone new very quickly if they made the move. Being with someone new would make you feel much better about yourself and move on a lot quicker. Granted if I did it, i'd make it clear it would take a bit to move on and get close to them.

September 28, 2012

Some people just do this. Usually unavailable people. These people are incapable of really understanding true love, so that's why it's so easy for them to do what they do.

I had a conversation with my ex before it ended. And I remember saying, "I've forgiven you for everything you've ever done to me. I've stayed with you and excused all your behaviors, you know what? Because I unconditionally love you. I love you enough to work when it's hard. And I know now that your love comes with conditions."

And he didn't even say anything to that. He only loved me when I acted the way he wanted me to. When there were no problems. When I wasn't asking him questions about his past, or our issues. The second I pushed him out of his comfort zone he would retreat for days and then try to come back like nothing happened.

The issue is him, not me. He's not suddenly with someone new and in love. He was never in love with anyone except himself to begin with. He's not capable of that lasting kind of love.

I feel like I would be leading an unfullfilling life if I were to not be able to extend my love into true love.

I just feel that loving fully makes life 100% more meaningful, even with the bad bits and the horrendous arguments.

I understand things getting hard. My partner feels more love for me when I am my funny, fun usual self, than when I am stuck in a stupid depressive mood, being a total nightmare to be around. The love is unconditional, yet of course the moments when he thinks " wow I love her so much" do not occur when I act like an idiot, for instance:

- This is full on, but early on, because I have had mental health issues..... He has literally seen me kicking and screaming, trying to jump off a bancony once and ...... he still loved me, albiet he was a bit like " holy sh*t Leigh you have issues I am not sure how I can handle all of this it is a little much omg"

Love may be unconditional, but it sure is hard to be with someone you love, when your really tested.

My partner thought " this is it" a lot of times, but thankfully he was not able to leave me. Because he loved me too much. And wanted to try anything to make it work out before leaving.

It feels awful to put someone you love through that much.

But I feel ..... awful I put him through so much, yet thrilled I can be loved at my worst I( not that I plan to be like THAT again:sick:)

September 28, 2012

This is a hard one. Ive been on both sides. I would def say knowing that your ex left you for someone else gives you that automatic closure. cuz you know the reason. So even though its more painful, and i mean you cant breath sleep painful 6 months from then at least your moved on.

As for which is my most recent breakup, my ex did not leave me for someone else. He really did not give me a good valid reason. So therefore the breakup was not as painful because he remained in my life. and i went through cycles. happy one day miserable the next. Held on to hope for a long time its been over a yr and a half. and i still have a lil bit of hope that he will change and come back. As for me waiting for him, that stopped about 3 months ago.

So yeah I would say that id rather go through pain knowing my ex left me for someone so then i can at least move on quicker

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