Feel so unappreciated

[KS11]

So im back again. Just as i thought things were getting better.

 

I dont want to go in the detail again as im not sure where to begin or where it would end. The long and short of it is i've been in love with this girl for two years now. It was and is pretty complicated, but she did tell me she felt the same...but nothing has ever happened for a number of reasons.

 

She started a new job recently teaching and is super stressed about it, so i've been trying to just keep everything as relaxed as possible, and not mention about where i stand (which i find so hard), and things have been a lot better when we hang out. The problems are when we're not together i feel she never makes any effort with me, or as if im just another source of stress she has to deal with.

 

I purposely didnt contact her since the weekend this week, but buckled yesterday. But she was really blunt, so i jjust had to ask her whats going on...to which she got pretty angry. All i said was i miss talking to her, and she said its annoying when you say **** like that all time, and plus you shouldnt just not contact me because you think i might not want it on top of everything else...be more forceful if you want to talk to me.

 

I really have no idea what im supposed to make of that. I messaged her later that night asking if i could call at some point in the next few days because i think i explained myself like an idiot. But havent heard anything.

 

I just cant deal with it being like this anymore. And i know this must sound pathetic to everyone. The thing thats hard is that i wouldnt keep bringing stuff up if she just showed me the slighest bit of affection..or the odd text message every now and then, like we used too. Whats even more annoying is on my phone you can see when someone is on that stupid facebook chat..and shes on it all the time!! Yet supposedly too busy to talk ( I know thats lame, but its the little things that get to me).

 

Im just not sure what to say, i dont understand how she cant see it from my point of view, what am i supposed to think if she just ignores my message?! Whats worse is im too afraid of losing her that i can never fully say what i want to incase it pushes her to just saying enough is enough.

 

Theres loads more i could write. It sounds like im just acting in ignorance to the signs, which i guess in some respects i am, but when we hang out and the things she says when are together just make me think she does still feel something.

 

I dont know. I'd really appreciate some thoughts! Should i just give up?! We've done NC before and letting her go then was honestly the worst thing ive ever felt!

 

F**k im such a mess

[Mike_d]

the moment you act from a place of fear you are f*****. when you have something to lose then you give up your power.

 

read this, maybe more than once: http://www.osirusworld.com/temp/temp/TYG.pdf

 

see if you recognize yourself anywhere within the book

[url=http://www.osirusworld.com/temp/temp/TYG.pdf][/url]

Edited September 27, 2012 by Mike_d

[KS11]

Wow, i must say after reading the introduction i was pretty skeptical considering the source, but there is some really interesting things in that so thanks!!

 

My only worry is that in a lot ways its kind of telling you to change yourself? or behave in a way that is not you..

 

Its also pretty hard to try and work these things into a relationship having shown your true colours already if you know what i mean. Seems like its aimed at the early stages of a relationship.

[Mike_d]

My only worry is that in a lot ways its kind of telling you to change yourself? or behave in a way that is not you..

 

lol, exactly right, whatever happens is all about you. you are in control of your emotions, you are in control of your reactions.

 

how's "being you" in this problem that you are in been working for you?? put you in here right? prob not so good then. the idea is that what you/I/them are doing isn't working, and that it's time to try something new.

 

change you, and the world around you changes. what do you have to lose?

 

how's the reading coming along?

 

Its also pretty hard to try and work these things into a relationship having shown your true colours already if you know what i mean.

 

ah, there is that place of fear again... ^

[KS11]

Yeah i know youre right. Its just hard. The overriding thought i had throughtout all that book was that it was like playing games with the other person. And perhaps im being naive in thinking it shouldnt be like that.

 

I know, for sure there i things i would like to change about myself. But in many a lot ways i feel like ive done the right thing. Im forever reading on here stories from women who have been screwed over and treated like ****, and i look back at this relationship i know i couldn't have done anymore to be there for her, show her i care etc.

 

I guess none of this matters anymore anyway. Yesterday i finally admitted to myself that im struggling. Not just with this issue, but a number of others things. Its just that she used to be, and sometimes still is, the only thing that used to help. Just really hurts to see that when i need her now, shes not here.

 

So i got prescribed some medication yesterday, who knows...if im really lucky they might me forget her...

[TaraMaiden]

medication is just the sticking plaster over the gaping 9-inch wound....

 

I think you've thrown everything you possibly can at this, and it's all just been thrown back at you with derision and contempt.

 

You're a handy guy to have around, a soft place to fall, an option when required.

You should be up there as number one thought.

If she's not being as considerate and thoughtful towards you as you are to her - then clearly - something is seriously askew, isn't it?

 

Go No Contact, immediately.

You have to do this, for yourself. You need to get some self-respect back - as things stand, you're bending over so far backwards, all you can see is your own dark hole.

And that's not a good place to be.

 

You need to fall off her radar... and in a week or so, she may think "huh...I haven't heard from *KS11* for a while.... Is he trying that NC schytt again? Yeah, ok, well, I can wait him out, he'll come crawling back, he always does...."

 

But this time - you have to prove her wrong.

This time, you have to wave it goodbye - for good.

 

Do not react, reply, respond or retort to anything she will send you.

And she will.

Remember the adage - If there's no "I'm sorry" then it's "I'm throwing you breadcrumbs."

 

Don't lick the floor for those.

[KS11]

Yeah i know, the medication was really a last resort, as its not going to stop how i think. I've read some of the side effects to the drug and some people have reported feeling numb...so might help!

 

I know going NC is the only thing i can do. I just know, having tried it before and her coming back, this time it really will be it and thats so scary.

 

My biggest worry is that im the one being unreasonable. I know shes under heaps of stress with the new job, maybe i need to be more understanding of that? and eventually it will get better? But then im conflicted by the thought that if i mattered as much as she does to me, nothing would get in the way right?!

[River Rain]

My biggest worry is that im the one being unreasonable. I know shes under heaps of stress with the new job, maybe i need to be more understanding of that? and eventually it will get better? But then im conflicted by the thought that if i mattered as much as she does to me, nothing would get in the way right?!

 

I could have written your first post on this thread. My ex was exactly like her. Ignored me when all I wanted was to understand the situation. He had stress from work and his daughter and I was simply disposable to him. You are NOT being unreasonable by wanting to spend time with her and connecting with her. If people want things, they always find a way don't they? I hope that didn't sound harsh, it wasn't meant to be, it's just, I've been there and I know how much it hurts and we all deserve to be with someone who wants to make an effort to spend time connecting and being together.

[kae]

to her you sound more like a baby than a man who knows what he wants or what he`s doing.

 

i think you my sound whinny and annoying. dont do that. Only call her to ask her out or to command something and when ur absolutely strong feeling. Dont call her for nothing.. if she wants more attention she`ll call you. dont worry about her.

[KS11]

Thanks River Rain. Im really sorry to hear you were treated badly also. Yeah, i keep thinking along those lines. I know deep down if i mattered that much, nothing would get in the way.

 

As it is we havent spoken for a week now. The last message i sent her has just been ignored, it didnt even have anything to do with our relationship! I just find it so hard to accept that you could just flat out ignore someone youre supposed to care a lot about. Knowing full well that it would hurt them. a lot. I want so bad to send her a message, but i know somehow the response will just be blaming me.

 

I keep thinking about all the things we had planned. I had really thought her moving here would be the start of the something great, not the end! I honestly think im too far into this to see the way out. The funny thing is, her ignoring me, is about the only clear message shes ever given me.

 

I read something on here once that i think is whats making this so bad. ' its the you that is, yearning for the her that was'.

 

I dont know how to begin to accept the girl i love has gone.

[River Rain]

Thanks River Rain. Im really sorry to hear you were treated badly also. Yeah, i keep thinking along those lines. I know deep down if i mattered that much, nothing would get in the way.

 

As it is we havent spoken for a week now. The last message i sent her has just been ignored, it didnt even have anything to do with our relationship! I just find it so hard to accept that you could just flat out ignore someone youre supposed to care a lot about. Knowing full well that it would hurt them. a lot. I want so bad to send her a message, but i know somehow the response will just be blaming me.

 

I keep thinking about all the things we had planned. I had really thought her moving here would be the start of the something great, not the end! I honestly think im too far into this to see the way out. The funny thing is, her ignoring me, is about the only clear message shes ever given me.

 

I read something on here once that i think is whats making this so bad. ' its the you that is, yearning for the her that was'.

 

I dont know how to begin to accept the girl i love has gone.

 

Gosh, you sound like me so much!!! I could never understand why my ex ignored me either. And I told him how much it hurt me the first time he did it, yet he CHOSE to do it twice more before it was over. The thing is, you have no choice but to accept it right? We can't make someone love us or want us as much as we love and want them. If she wanted to, she'd make an effort, she'd reply to your message. It takes a minute to reply. There was a time when my ex actually climbed up a mountain to get a cell signal so he could call me. Near the end, he couldn't even muster up a one line text to me. Not worth it. I have such a huge heart and lots of love and affection to give and I won't put up with being treated like I'm disposable any more. I made the mistake of staying too long, having faith in him, but I ignored the red flags. I'm smarter now. And I refuse to allow his memory to keep me in a state of despair. You have to accept it and move on so that you can find that happiness again with someone who deserves you. I know it's easier said than done, but it can be done. And yes, I think that we hold on to the good memories and the what could have beens, instead of focusing on the ways the person hurt us and took us for granted. Once we focus more on the bad points, we become empowered and able to stand up and say, to hell with them. At least that's what's working for me. And thanks, I hate that he hurt me like that too. It was damaging, but I'm not giving up hope. And you shouldn't either. Just take it day by day and definitely no contact with her, it's tempting, but will only serve to hurt you more.

 

Wow, that wasn't meant to be a tirade I guess I'm empowered or something :-) Must move on.

[KS11]

Its awesome how strong you sound! It wasnt a tirade at all

 

I totally understand what you mean about having so much love and affection to give. Im pretty sure i said the exact same sentence in another thread. Thats one of the things that hurts the most. This is the first time ive ever felt close to someone, in all manners of speaking and really thought after her confiding in that i mattered.

 

Im dreading when, eventually she does contact me. I find it impossible to ignore her. Like i would be in the wrong if that makes sense. But equally, i still dont think i could say stop talking to me. How ridiculous is that!!!

 

Has or did you ex every try to get back in contact? how long have you been NC?

[River Rain]

Its awesome how strong you sound! It wasnt a tirade at all

 

I totally understand what you mean about having so much love and affection to give. Im pretty sure i said the exact same sentence in another thread. Thats one of the things that hurts the most. This is the first time ive ever felt close to someone, in all manners of speaking and really thought after her confiding in that i mattered.

 

Im dreading when, eventually she does contact me. I find it impossible to ignore her. Like i would be in the wrong if that makes sense. But equally, i still dont think i could say stop talking to me. How ridiculous is that!!!

 

Has or did you ex every try to get back in contact? how long have you been NC?

 

Thank you I do feel quite strong these days. I'd been alone 18 years, he was the first bf since I was 26 years old...long story, but depression was the main culprit in my solitude for so long. I've been feeling good now and managing the depression almost two years now, so that wasn't an issue at all - though he did throw that in my face one time...I hate when trust is breached like that.

 

Our breakup lasted about 3 weeks, going back and forth...exhausting, damaging, hurtful... I knew it was over from the start, but I let him keep coming back and dangling that hope in front of me. He knew how vulnerable I was, and also how inexperienced, relationship-wise. He also knew that ignoring me was hurtful. But, like the silly girl I was, I responded when he broke the no contact. He broke it 3 times in those 3 weeks, and I fell for it. Now it's been officially 4 days no contact, but I've taken measures. I blocked his number and his email address. I changed my cell phone number. I know that if I don't do these things, he will try to contact me again and I will never move on, he will continue to play with me. You may have to be stronger than you think you are and ignore her if she does contact you. It's not fair to make people wait and wonder, leave them hanging. It's just cruel in my view. Be selfish and think of only you for a while.

 

Someone here gave me some good advice. The next time my ex breaks the contact and tries to pull me back in, come here, post it all and wait for answers. If I'm not strong enough to decide on my own to ignore him, let everyone here burn it into my brain that I will only hurt myself further if I respond. I think it's excellent advice, so I'm sharing that with you too!