Author BreakOnThrough Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 Now the question is...is your wife concerned about you and this woman who resembles her, or is she not? I'm not sure yet, I am going to talk to her more about it this weekend and see...
Author BreakOnThrough Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 You say how your wife used to act and look.... Has your wife changed? Can she get back some of that stuff you are nostalgic for? I'm older than you, married longer, so I understand that there are things we each "used to" do.....but we kept the good stuff for the most part. I wonder why you don't say she reminds you of how your wife looks and acts, rather than "used to"? It isn't like you two are old. Well, she has changed a bit, but for the better IMO, of course I miss some of the "old times" because everything was so new and we were more "unencumbered", but what we have now is much better than before. We really don't have any major issues, though, we greatly respect eachother and tell eachother everything. I generally don't get freaked out often, so this is a bit unusual for me...
Sauron Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 If you are a man, I am sure you wonder just "how much" is she really like my wife. I know that I would think that. You planted the seed and I am sure you had "those" thoughts. Of course you have a lot of folks on here that will tell you exactly how to be morally and some are already judging your intentions. Good luck to you.
xxoo Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Well, she has changed a bit, but for the better IMO, of course I miss some of the "old times" because everything was so new and we were more "unencumbered", but what we have now is much better than before. We really don't have any major issues, though, we greatly respect eachother and tell eachother everything. I generally don't get freaked out often, so this is a bit unusual for me... Try to identify what you miss about the old times, and get some of that back. Couples can get the excitement of "new" by doing new and exciting things together. My H and I started doing a sport together last year, something we haven't done together since our dating days, and it really has brought back a lot of the rush of dating.
xxoo Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 If you are a man, I am sure you wonder just "how much" is she really like my wife. I know that I would think that. You planted the seed and I am sure you had "those" thoughts. Of course you have a lot of folks on here that will tell you exactly how to be morally and some are already judging your intentions. Good luck to you. A woman might, too. No biggie to have a passing thought, but if you become consumed with thoughts of her, that can easily be a problem. That's when it is time to refocus on your marriage, getting it as strong and as fun as possible, and your thoughts will follow.
Sauron Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 You sound like a love-sick teenager. If this woman is no good and eventually gets off on the vibe you're already (and going to be repeatedly) sending her way, then you're going to fold like a deck of cards. Just because you spoke with your wife and are here acknowledging this "stressful," "jarring" and "thought-consuming" drama you've created in your head, doesn't mean nothing is likely to happen. In fact, it sounds like you're setting yourself up for something to happen. Not what you want to hear, but I call it like I see it. Red flags are flying all over the place. You should have this moved to the infidelity section, since it's obvious where this is headed. What is a no good woman Alice? Yes you do call it like you see it for everyone to read. If I was this guy I don't know if I would come back here. It's not like he said he is secretly lusting after her, of course if he has functional testicles, he probably is, that is the way nature designed men. What a leap.
whichwayisup Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 I love my wife dearly and love everything that we have built, but if you happen across someone that reminds you of that "newness" that originally occured between eachother, the experience is REALLY jarring. I generally don't get freaked out often, so this is a bit unusual for me... I mean this nicely.. Get over it. Really.. Stop being so shocked and taken in by this 'wonder' woman who reminds you of your wife's younger years.. Stop over thinking this and put up the wall towards this woman at work. Stop letting yourself freak out about this, even more so WHILE at work. Stressing out and letting it interfer in your work day, or even at home (please be honest - Do you think about this look alike at home? In bed at night, while falling asleep or in the morning? Have you fantasized about her?) and having it on your mind all the time eventually WILL upset your wife. Fact is, without knowing it, this has become a huge issue and yes, it's good you told your wife, but what if she starts to worry and eventually down the road gets jealous/concerned that you are going to cheat on her. Never say never! This is why you must affair proof yourself now and get your emotional wall up now before your emotions take over. This look alike IS NOT YOUR WIFE. So no more comparing her to your wife. Reverse the situation, your wife at work has a look alike 'you', a younger version. How would you feel? Especially if she felt as you do towards your co worker? give that some thought. 1
Phoenix In Flight Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 I love my wife dearly and love everything that we have built, but if you happen across someone that reminds you of that "newness" that originally occured between eachother, the experience is REALLY jarring. I get where you're coming from. New love, or rather, the process of falling in love, is amazing! The excitement, the daydreaming, being unsure but hopeful of what might come next... But it doesn't last. Some people (I am one of them!) crave that though and it's hard once things are so settled and comfortable, but it can also be better! Because you KNOW what you have, and you know it's more than just that initial attraction, lust, and excitement... It's something solid. Something lasting! Use this situation to your advantage. Turn these feelings around and take them home and use them to kick start things with your wife! Do something new together, something that will stir up some excitement and novelty! It sounds like you love your wife a lot, but it also sounds like you might be in a bit of a rut, which can happen in the best of relationships! This could be a great, relationship revitalizing thing, IF you DON'T make it about this woman, but rather about wanting to relight that spark that you and your wife had in the beginning! 2
xxoo Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 It's not like he said he is secretly lusting after her, of course if he has functional testicles, he probably is, that is the way nature designed men. What a leap. Sure. Whatever. That makes him a sexual human (women have lustful thoughts, too). That doesn't mean that it needs to progress to an affair, or that she would be a better partner, or a better lover, or anything except that he is having a sexual fantasy. The antidote, should he choose to accept it, is to reinvest in his relationship with his wife, injecting excitement from years past. 2
xxoo Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 (edited) Sure, we all have thoughts. I don't have thoughts that CONSUME me however. The OP has some issues. And it's not his marriage - it's HIM. Eh, I think it's normal to develop a crush now and again. The bigger deal you make of it, the more power you give it. The OP's marriage sounds like a good one, but he is in a vulnerable place right now--a little bored, a little nostalgic. Again, this is a normal human feeling, and doesn't mean something is wrong with the marriage. He doesn't need to freak out; he just needs to recognize what is going on, and act with intention to strength his marriage. A successful marriage is built on a lifetime of intentionally putting the marriage first, even when it would feel good to do otherwise in the moment. In the end, it feels better to have a great marriage. As for the young coworker--imagine her in less flattering ways. How about this one: imagine her going all bunny boiler on your family. That should pour a bit of cold water on the fantasy. Edited September 29, 2012 by xxoo
HokeyReligions Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 difficult situation. you sound like a professional and imho the professional thing to do is to find another project or job. I know its tough nowadays, but start looking now. If your personal life gets messed up, it will impact your professional life too and I guarantee, it will be noticed by someone and at some point will be detrimental to your career. you got some great opinions and have some great thoughts too, on how to handle this personally with your wife (i don't agree with all the opinions, but you do have different viewpoints from which to learn). It may sound like I'm putting your professional life ahead of your personal life priorities, but the two are tied together. It would be much easier to look for work and go thru difficult financial times with your soulmate at your side, than it will be to find that you've hurt the ones you love and end up a shadow of your love at the end of the day. You know that if that happens the Differences you do not see now, will become the first thing you see later. Good Luck. I know it can be tough. I quit a good job that I really liked because of a potential romantic involvement at the office. I went down the 'get him & hubby' to meet path too - hoping it would make me open my eyes and my feelings would change. It did, but not in any way I could foresee. I found a job - took the first thing that came up. Several jobs and many years later I got my career back on track. I'm so glad I had my husband me during that time. 2
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