FearfulFuture Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 Its been a while since i posted on LS but i have been lurking in the shadows gaining advice and comfort from other people's posts during those dark days when you just can't pick yourself up. People here are a true inspiration. However i am back seeking some wise and hopefully comforting words as im not sure where else to turn. I have been broken up from the ex now for several months and have been slowly recovering. Don't want to bore with the details but 4.5 year relationship and she left me, been NC for the majority apart from a few months ago when she returned asking for a second chance only to change her mind and turn the other way after a couple weeks of hanging out and taking things slow. Today i am deeply hurt again as i have been informed that my ex is now in a relationship, that hit me hard i have to be honest. You see our break up as sad as it was had nothing to do with cheating and there was no one else on the scene for either us (no emotional affair etc). I accept that over the 7 months of separation she was more than likely dating/hooking up as indeed has been the case for me. Had a few dates and the occasional one night stand (didn't help me at all)! My thoughts would always be of her and although im no longer a wreck, i always hoped we could one day reconcile. I kept my distance, silence and most importantly my pride but it seems that wasn't enough. This news has killed me, i genuinely don't think she is over the relationship for a few reasons i found out after we got together for those brief couple of weeks. I know this doesn't matter or change the facts but that is why i think this has hurt me so bad, i simply wasn't expecting it. I don't want to ramble and im not sure what im asking, how do i cope (it was bearable knowing we were both single)? What is my next step after using all the advice correctly (NC)? As the title suggests, i just feel i have now lost the break up (she moved on quicker than me), my ego has taken a second hard knock. She's happy and met somebody else, im still alone and worry terribly i will never find anyone ever again. There goes my hope and there goes my sanity. Thanks if you read this far, any help or advice would be awesome.
JayL Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 There's no such thing as to never finding anyone ever again. I've only been in long-term relationships (except for my last one) and I always felt that way everytime after a break-up. As for what you went through , I really am sorry to hear that, but it's a part of life and each one of us go through it. I, myself, is still in mourning period, but I'm 80% over it. Put yourself out there, pick up a new hobby, volunteer, keep yourself busy, go out and spend time with friends, have fun! That's what I've been doing. A week after my break up, a friend invited me to a party, met a girl, said she heard so much about me from our mutual friends. We talked, she got my #, the thing is I was in no condition to even feel interest in other women as I was and still am hooked to my ex. 2 Weeks after my break up, went to another get together, a girl who has always noticed me in the past and I had no idea she did, came up to me and said "I heard what happened and I'm sorry", now we talk everyday and she admitted she's always been interested in me. Except I told her to stay as friends as I did not want to hurt her feelings due to my baggage. 3rd week, I met more people, expanded my network and slowly getting back into the game. This coming weekend I have another get together to go to. This is what you need to do, put yourself out there and meet people, meet women! Expand your network! You'll get back your confidence soon enough and meet someone "better". At least now, you're smarter and you can choose the "better" ones next time.
flitzanu Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 My thoughts would always be of her and although im no longer a wreck, i always hoped we could one day reconcile. I kept my distance, silence and most importantly my pride but it seems that wasn't enough. As the title suggests, i just feel i have now lost the break up (she moved on quicker than me), my ego has taken a second hard knock. She's happy and met somebody else, im still alone the top part is why you "lost". she wasn't busy thinking and hoping it was going to work out, she was moving on with her life, and you were pining. now, firstly, if you're split up you shouldn't be finding out that she's with some new relationship because that's not your business and not anything that's going to help you MOVE ON. secondly, now that you know this...MOVE ON and stop looking for and listening to info about her life and focus on YOURS.
Liz2012 Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 Hi, I'm sorry that it hurts so bad. I think each of these things always hits people, so the first relationship the ex has etc,...it just really puts people back a bit, no matter how 'over it' they thought / claimed they were. so what you feel is normal. That said. Ultimately whether she was hooking up / dating / in a relationship it's exactly the same. she's not with you. So there's no REAL change here. IF you're meant to be together, whatever you're up to (on either side) isn't relevant. what is relevant is action. From what I can tell you were NC and the brief reunion you had didn't head you anywhere. Plus you had this vague idea of she was going to wait for you and you'd reconcile one day - or so it really translates as. It doesn't work like that. If you want her, you gotta freaking FIGHT for her and work on YOU, make you BETTER and go WIN her and not just ignore her. Anyway for now, not much you can do until the honeymoon is over in the new RS.
Author FearfulFuture Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 Thank you very much for the quick replies, they do really help. Firstly i have been going out and having fun, putting myself out there etc which is how i have managed to secure several dates and a few hook ups. Believe me i am trying but at the age of 29 im finding it difficult to find many available friends to party with (most are in long term relationships) and i thought my days of drinking, partying and casual flings were over, i thought that was a young mans game and i have already had my time. Sorry to sound so negative, my confidence, self-esteem and all positives have seemed to have dried up at this time, i really wish i could believe there will be another 'special' one for me but im not so convinced Secondly, yes i agree Fitzanu, i am guilty of pining, believe me i have tried desperately to do/think the right things and 50% of the time i succeed. However, the human mind can be a wicked thing at times and unfortunately my thoughts can stray onto memories and hopes of reconciliation. It doesn't help that when i felt at my strongest and truly believed there would be no future with her, she pops back up and pulls some second chance *****. Not blaming her, i should have turned the other way but i am weak, this also then filled my head with "oh, she's not so sure she did the right thing. Another few months away from her and she will be back again." So stupid i know but you can't help the way you feel or think. Sorry this is so full with negativity, the news is just so fresh and im having a hard time (for the record someone decided to tell me, i don't go looking for any crushing news). I just feel that when people say "its for the best, you'll find someone better" i can't help thinking "well, thats whats she has gone and done, found someone better than me". I feel like im not good enough and don't deserve happiness. Again thank you so much, i do listen and i hope after the shock has worn i can start to feel more positive. Anymore feedback would be gratefully received.
Author FearfulFuture Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 @Liz2012 Thanks for your input, those words helped me a lot and i know your absolutely right in everything you say. I do appreciate it and i will be stronger for this, your correct, there is no REAL change and i have to man up and make myself better. Thanks again
flitzanu Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 Thank you very much for the quick replies, they do really help. Firstly i have been going out and having fun, putting myself out there etc which is how i have managed to secure several dates and a few hook ups. Believe me i am trying but at the age of 29 im finding it difficult to find many available friends to party with (most are in long term relationships) and i thought my days of drinking, partying and casual flings were over, i thought that was a young mans game and i have already had my time. Sorry to sound so negative, my confidence, self-esteem and all positives have seemed to have dried up at this time, i really wish i could believe there will be another 'special' one for me but im not so convinced Secondly, yes i agree Fitzanu, i am guilty of pining, believe me i have tried desperately to do/think the right things and 50% of the time i succeed. However, the human mind can be a wicked thing at times and unfortunately my thoughts can stray onto memories and hopes of reconciliation. It doesn't help that when i felt at my strongest and truly believed there would be no future with her, she pops back up and pulls some second chance *****. Not blaming her, i should have turned the other way but i am weak, this also then filled my head with "oh, she's not so sure she did the right thing. Another few months away from her and she will be back again." So stupid i know but you can't help the way you feel or think. Sorry this is so full with negativity, the news is just so fresh and im having a hard time (for the record someone decided to tell me, i don't go looking for any crushing news). I just feel that when people say "its for the best, you'll find someone better" i can't help thinking "well, thats whats she has gone and done, found someone better than me". I feel like im not good enough and don't deserve happiness. Again thank you so much, i do listen and i hope after the shock has worn i can start to feel more positive. Anymore feedback would be gratefully received. nah man, it's tough all around. going from thinking "this is it" to being single and starting over is an arduous task. if it helps, i know that feeling well, and i so often wish i'd not wasted the months i spent chasing my ex while she led me on in the same manner.
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