How Do You Date Someone Who is Computer Illiterate?

[MilitantPacifist]

I know this may sound like a joke question, but I'm completely serious. I really like my new girlfriend and when we get together it's pure gold. She genuinely laughs at my jokes, we have a fun time, and our conversations are freaking epic. We close restaurants and bars without realizing it because we're having such a good time.

 

But, we're both busy people so we only go on a couple dates a week, sometimes just one. And all the time in-between I'd like to stay in touch with her, but she's like the Rain Main of remote communication.

 

Her responses are never more than a sentence, and usually just a few words. She never expands on anything or offers a new subject herself, and her "data transmission rate" is probably about 1 bit per hour. It's frustrating, and not a problem I've ever encountered with any girl I've gone out with or been in a relationship with.

 

Talking on the phone is also generally out of the question because she's usually either at work, or at home where she's either too busy with her kids to pick up, or if not I'll probably wake up her kids when I call.

 

Some background:

 

Me - Born with a keyboard in my hand. Logging onto the proto-Internet (BBSes, Usenet, Fido, etc for those of you who remember those pre-Internets) at the age of 5. Had my own computer with modem at 8. Was typing above 70 words per minute by teenage years, and currently score a solid 110 words per minute with zero errors, way faster than I could ever actually speak. Seriously considering career as a computer-security expert (aka a white-hat hacker who makes money by legally penetrating computer networks to test for vulnerabilities).

 

Her - Did not grow up with computers. Uses them occasionally, when she has to, for work. Otherwise has no relationship with them whatsoever other than as a source of frustration. Works as a medical assistant in a pediatrician's office. Very logical and rational, but simply not interested in technology in any way.

 

So my dilemma is, I don't know if I can really fall for this chick because I feel like, however irrational I know I'm being, that she blows me off 5 days out of every 7 because her texts are like the kind of thing you'd tell a friend to let them know you're not ignoring them, per se, but you don't have anything to say to them either. And her digital presence consists of checking her email once a week, bi-monthly if she's busy.

 

What can I do to get over this, or maybe get her interested in interacting with me in the majority of the time when we are not, in fact, able to be together in person?

[CarrieT]

I know it is not a joke and was one of the factors that led me to break-up with a guy I was with for almost 12 years.

 

I only found out several years into the relationship that he was functionally illiterate. I bought him child-like programs to teach him how to type and I helped him get an email address, but he never worked at it or even tried.

 

Now, six years later, I know that he still does not have an email address and is mostly isolated because of his illiteracy (despite the fact that he READS incessantly - he just can't write or type).

 

That said, I think you are being a little harsh in that a relationship shouldn't be built on texting but full-on communication. Why don't you TALK TO HER?

[MilitantPacifist]

That said, I think you are being a little harsh in that a relationship shouldn't be built on texting but full-on communication. Why don't you TALK TO HER?

 

I know my post may sound shallow, but honestly talking to her is exactly what I'm trying to do. Computer communications are out. Texting is out. Phone conversations are out. The only time we can talk is during our occasional dates since we don't live together.

 

Is that really enough to base a relationship on though? I don't know.

[CarrieT]

Yeah - I see your point.

 

On your next date, I would express your sadness at not being able to communicate more during those times you are apart. See how she responds.

 

She might see you as just a good-time guy in between all the work and kids and stuff and not long-term relationship material.

 

Ultimately, if there is no happy medium, move on...

[Art_Critic]

Is that really enough to base a relationship on though? I don't know.

 

Until the internet it was.. it was for your parents....

 

I think maybe you might be too attached to being computer savvy.

I was much older than you during the bbs years.. and even was on the internet before browsers were around and everything was put and get commands.. etc etc and I'm not so into my computers that I can't have a relationship with someone who isn't..

 

Part of my daily job is IT and I mange at times up to 50 computers at work.. so I get you...I really do...but it is up to you to come down to peoples levels at times in order to become more social and connected.

 

There is nothing wrong with going out on dates and not texting every thought...

The phone thing however.. that isn't your problem but hers.. She needs to give you more phone time.. what about 10-11 at night ? I've had many a relationships spawned from late night talk.

 

I think you are going to have to talk with her.. maybe she is one of those people who opens up the more you get to know them and putting time in at this time would give you what you are looking for.

[MilitantPacifist]

Yeah - I see your point.

 

On your next date, I would express your sadness at not being able to communicate more during those times you are apart. See how she responds.

 

Thanks, I was wondering if maybe that's what I should do, but I don't want to come off as needy or clingy, because I'm really not. I'm just more interested in a romantic relationship than a casual one.

 

She might see you as just a good-time guy in between all the work and kids and stuff and not long-term relationship material.

 

Ultimately, if there is no happy medium, move on...

 

You may be right there. I'm uncertain whether she truly is this autistic when it comes to communicating in any media other than in person, or if she's just not that into me. I guess I'll find out one way or the other.

[MilitantPacifist]

I'm not so into my computers that I can't have a relationship with someone who isn't..

 

Thanks for the response man. I've dated girls in the past who had absolutely no interest in computers, but they could at least hold a conversation via text or IM.. which requires basically 0 computer skills or interest.

 

but it is up to you to come down to peoples levels at times in order to become more social and connected.

I totally get that man. I don't expect other people to be interested in the arcane and esoteric crap I am, and as someone who's also a writer, I think that if you can't communicate a concept in the simplest terms, you don't actually understand it yourself. I relate to a lot of different types of people.

 

The phone thing however.. that isn't your problem but hers.. She needs to give you more phone time.. what about 10-11 at night ? I've had many a relationships spawned from late night talk.

 

That's a great point. I think I'll maybe let her know how much I enjoy talking with her, and ask her if it'd be okay if she calls me when she's not busy, or sets aside some time with her ringers off where I could call if I want and not wake up her kids.

[CarrieT]

The phone thing however.. that isn't your problem but hers.. She needs to give you more phone time.. what about 10-11 at night ? I've had many a relationships spawned from late night talk.

 

Me as well. After emailing our first week, my current BF and I started talking every night at 10:00, after he put his kids to bed. In the first few weeks, we were sometimes having two and three-hour conversations.

 

Even now, when we are apart, we check in every night before we got to bed.

[ChatroomHero]

I'll be honest, when I got my first real job we had pagers and the internet was all via modem. My work now is all technology but I remember back before instant communication and instant responses were expected.

It's funny to me sometimes how others get upset when i don't text them or call them back immediately because I am in the bathroom or the store or actually talking to someone else in person.

 

Texing and email is great and all but I remember when I wasn't in constant contact with everyone I knew all the time and it was a lot less stressful and I was a lot more productive personally with things I needed to accomplish without the interruptions and the one thing my past taught me was patience and the fact that nobody really needs immediate responses to most questions.

 

Think about the texts you send, what earth shattering conversation do you want to have via text anyway? The thing that gets me the most is you can spend 40 minutes texting back and forth when you could have had a 1 minute conversation.

 

She sounds pretty busy, give her some credit that she doesn't have a lot of time to waste texting nonsense jokes or stupid back and forth or posting FB pictures of her every lunch.

 

She should make time to talk on the phone though, I would push for more communication from her, just via the phone.

[MilitantPacifist]

Think about the texts you send, what earth shattering conversation do you want to have via text anyway? The thing that gets me the most is you can spend 40 minutes texting back and forth when you could have had a 1 minute conversation.

 

Agreed on the 1 minute conversation part. Depending on the content of the communication I'll often prefer phone calls over digital messages. For instance if I want to give someone directions or explain how to do something, I'm not going to spend 20 minutes texting back and forth when a 2 minute phone call would resolve the problem much more easily.

 

In terms of friendly conversation and romantic stuff though, I'll take digital conversations every time, because it's easier to balance doing something else with texting or IMing than it is to hold a phone conversation and also do whatever else you have to take care of.

 

And in terms of "earth shattering conversations" via IM/txt, if you haven't had one, I guess I can't explain it to you. Not everyone is a tween idiot using txtspeak and yelling omg! lol! as their means of communication. Blame the idiots using the medium, not the medium itself.

 

She sounds pretty busy, give her some credit that she doesn't have a lot of time to waste texting nonsense jokes or stupid back and forth or posting FB pictures of her every lunch.

 

You seem to have a very negative attitude about digital communication. It's understandable considering what most people do with it (lolcats, Facebook narcissism, etc) but my friends and exes have never used it in the fashion you're suggesting.

 

She should make time to talk on the phone though, I would push for more communication from her, just via the phone.

 

I'll take either. I consider a good digital conversation to be equally valuable, and usually better when both people live busy lives. But I'm more than willing to set aside some phone time too in order to explore that connection.

[yongyong]

This is not about computer illiterate. Anyways, actually I'd prefer if she doesn't have facebook and online dating account where she can do a lot of attention whoring.

A lot of chicks these days think what they are getting is a genuine interest from guys which affects their behavior towards other guys in reality.

('I met this guy at coffee shop but he doesn't treat me like a princess...guess how many guys added me on facebook? guess how many guys sends me a message on OLD? why should I go out with him' LOL)

[Eternal Sunshine]

I don't get this thread.

 

She knows how to use the phone and how to send a text...this is seems to be more the case of "she is not that into you".

[MilitantPacifist]

I don't get this thread.

 

She knows how to use the phone and how to send a text...this is seems to be more the case of "she is not that into you".

 

As I've said, that may be the case. But from my perspective, it's more a matter of her being unable to communicate. She knows how to use a phone, yes, but she doesn't use it, because she's too busy usually. And she does not, in my opinion, know how to send a text. She's functionally illiterate in my opinion in that regard. She texts but she doesn't actually say anything. That's the problem.

 

We'll see how it goes. If when I propose she set a time where she can turn the ringer off so the kids aren't woke up, she's into the idea, we'll know it's just a matter of semantics. If she's not, it's that she's just not that into me. And that's cool. At least I'll know what I'm going for (a friend, since we have way too good a time to shoot for nothing at this point).

[carhill]

Hey, if she's dating you a couple times a week and appears to enjoy your company/is into you physically when in personal contact and communicates well in person, go with the flow. That's my opinion.

 

We're all different as to particulars. It's synergy that counts.