I am so screwed up! first post.

[EmeraldStar]

I had a nice post all typed out but I got logged out and lost it. UGH!

 

So, in a hopefully simplified, slightly ticked off version:

 

I met my now H through his now-ex-wife 14 years ago. We started dating 11 years ago and have been married for 9.5 years. He was abusive: belittled me, manipulative, angry, threw things. Over the years I tried numberous times to get him to stop and it worked but after a few weeks would start again. At least 3 times a year I asked him to stop certain behaviors or else we were done but it never worked.

 

We've lived with my parents most of the time we've been together. Still live with Mom, Dad died 2 years ago.

 

He was still seeing ex-wife from the time they split, through their divorce, and until 9m before we got married when he got called to active duty from the reserves. I found out about that when he broke up with me after a 1.5 yrs because "he couldn't support me financially" but found out a few months ago it was because he wanted another woman who didn't want him. He cheated on me for 3 months with a co-worker starting when our son was about 9 months old. I discovered that because he wasn't too careful about hiding it. Looking back, the abuse was worse when there wasn't another woman in the picture. But I loved him, I stayed, I helped him.

 

I finally had it after I found online friends he couldn't chase away by limiting my contact. They supported me by helping realizing it was abuse. I finally got the courage to ask for a divorce last Oct., it took me 2 weeks to do it, but I did.

 

He decided he didn't want the divorce and did everything he could think of to get me to stay. So far, it's worked. He stopped his old abuse habits and moved on to new ones. Even after swearing he'd do anything, he goes out and opens a single checking account and has his paychecks deposited there where I have 0 access unless he transfers money. He bought a house on land contract under the excuse his brother needed a place to live but admits now he needed to prepare for the worst. It's not even in a decent school district and the upstairs appt is too small for the 3 of us but he said he wanted us to move out of my Mom's. He opened up his own cell phone acct and then moves mine over from my mom's under the excuse of saving my mom money, even bought me an iphone. Now all he does is babysit my calls.

 

He manipulated me with suicide threats, begging, pleading, inturuptions in my side of the conversations, and other things to get me from the divorce decision to a separation, to in-house separation (that was a joke), to roommates in the same bedroom, to FWB, to taking him back.

 

Whenever I tried to kick him out, he'd fight to stay. I end up caving every time. My Mom won't kick him out because it's my fight but says she'll back me up once I succeed.

 

When I asked for the divorce, I was done. I started moving on. I started opening up to one Online Guy in particular. Total opposite of H even to this day.

 

H accused OG of everything from trying to stealing me by lying about H to casting magic spells on me. Got my family to believe OG threatened my family. Got SIL to say OG threatened him on FB. I still haven't seen the proof of all that. When I wanted to visit OG, I made all responsible arrangements for me and our son. But everyone here tried everything to talk me out of it. OG was a serial killer, drug-addict, rapist, etc. The bus became the most dangerous form of transportation because more people like OG were out to hurt me, and I was abandoning my responsibilities as a mother for leaving my son by putting myself into a deadly situation. And finally, my son was too much of a burdon to watch for 4.5 days. So the night before I'm supposed to go, I have to cancel. I have yet to meet OG in person.

 

No lawyer will help me without money, the free consults don't want to talk about my rights to get him to leave only about what I'm entitled to once the D is final. Unless he physically abuses me or our son, the cops can't remove him.

 

And any time I get up the nerve to break it off again he starts his stuff again. He says he loves me with all his being, he apologizes for stupid stuff and thanks me for the simplest of things. And as long as I'm not talking, he thinks things are going great between us. I have a horrid week and he thinks we're improving because it wasn't anything he said or did. He wants me to be "happy" but won't give me the one thing I asked for.

 

I want out but I'm too weak to stand up for myself. Most of the time he doesn't give me a chance to get things out the way I want them to. He'll inturrupt me, twist the last statement I've said, anything until he gets what he wants.

 

What I want is for him to realize he how bad he hurt me, that I can't "get over it" because it's so deep. Apologies and promises to not do it again aren't good enough. I want him to just leave, take what is his, leave what is mine. I don't want arguements over how he deserves yet another chance because this time he's taking it seriously. It's been almost a year and I can't get him to realize any of this. I feel so broken, lost, lonely, scared, hurt, etc.

 

Anything anyone can give me will be appreciated. If you stuck around this far, thank you.

[Brooklynkid]

Are you a massochist? Do you enjoy abuse and head games? Do you want to look back on your life in 20-30 years and say to yourself, 'why did I waste my life on someone who isn't worthy of me?' Life is too short and as far as we know, we only have one go around. Do you want to keep wasting your life or do you really want to move ahead and on to better things and better people? The choice is yours.

[EmeraldStar]

Are you a massochist? Do you enjoy abuse and head games? Do you want to look back on your life in 20-30 years and say to yourself, 'why did I waste my life on someone who isn't worthy of me?' Life is too short and as far as we know, we only have one go around. Do you want to keep wasting your life or do you really want to move ahead and on to better things and better people? The choice is yours.

 

Thanks for the reply. No, I don't want any of those things.

I really want out but don't have the finanical means or apparently legal ground. Or the "balls" to stand up to him. I cower when he raises his voice. I feel weak. I let him walk all over me.

I know I need to find strength against him, I just don't know how.

[Silly_Girl]

Your mum must be aware of how bad things are? Is there anyone else you can talk to? What about a women's shelter?

 

You need a strategy, you need to have an end goal then work backwards to see how you achieve it. What are you hoping the outcome will be here?

[EmeraldStar]

Your mum must be aware of how bad things are? Is there anyone else you can talk to? What about a women's shelter?

 

You need a strategy, you need to have an end goal then work backwards to see how you achieve it. What are you hoping the outcome will be here?

 

 

Mom knew most of the problems but I didn't share everything with her. She knew what she could see and she didn't like it.

 

I really don't have anyone to turn to. I know a woman's shelter will get me and my son out but I'm worried about what H will do to the pets or any objects left behind. He has an If it's mine, it's mine and if it's yours, it's mine attitude. I can't afford to buy a new bed or bedroom set, etc. Hell, he'd probably try to take my books. Nevermind he's a hoarder and has more stuff than me, he wants more stuff.

 

 

My end goal is for H to move out. I've tried yelling & screaming "Get out".

I've tried helping him pack his stuff. I've thrown some of his stuff out the door. I don't know what else to do but save my pennies and move out from under him but that could take years and I still have no place to go.

[2sunny]

Tell HIM to move!

 

You live with your Mom? He moves. Change the locks and file a restraining order if he comes near you.