Should I be a bad girl for a while?

[whisper90]

Well, I will talk this straight.

I'm an Asian and I met this guy in the elevator 3 or 4 months before. Our apartments are in a same floor. He’s an expat in my country. He asked for my number and I gave him (I was just being friendly ‘cause he’s my neighbor and a foreigner).

He asked me out right in the afternoon that day but I was busy.

I wondered whether I could trust this guy because some days we texted and I said that night I couldn’t meet him because I would be with my friends. Then he said let he know when I’m back and we could have coffee at any time.

We texted back and forth for 3 months and couldn’t meet each other since that first day. The reason is I was back to my hometown then he was back to his country, things like that.

He was the one had more interest but then we both seemed to lose interest.

 

About 3 weeks before, finally we have chance to meet.

First day, we texted. Then I fell asleep : D

Second day, I texted ‘sorry I fell asleep last night’ and continue the texting thing. He said ‘oh I intended to invite you to my house for some cake’. First time we meet, in his house, at that time? Hum… no way.

But I still wanted to give him chance because I interested in the idea that we live next to each other and that would be fun.

He asked again the morning come to his house and he would make me omelette. I said how about the coffee shop near by us. And he didn’t reply.

Haiz, then I knew all he wanted was just sex.

 

One week before, we accidentally met. He looked at me and smiled softly. The funny thing was I couldn’t remember his face. I just remembered he’s tall, looking ok, at first I didn’t have any attention with him so..

He had some troubles with the language thing talking to a service guy. I helped him. Then we went to the elevator together to get to our houses. He said he couldn’t believe I didn’t remember him. He seemed to interest in me, asked me where I’ve been, what I’ll do next, ask me how’s everything going 2 times.. things like that. I acted normal, friendly enough but still kept distance. I didn’t want to make big deal of everything but still didn’t want him to think that I’m easy (and I’m not). He seemed to care about me and a little bit awkward maybe because the way he acted.

We paused at our doors for a while, just a little while because I didn’t want to keep the conversation for long and say bye bye. He seemed to want to talk more. Maybe I made myself clear to him that I don’t have any intention for him.

 

However, this second time we met, I was attracted by him a little bit, I observed him this time and his body is kind of attractive and this time I knew he is a pilot.

Next several days, I thought about him a little bit now and then, just some thoughts over my mind for a short period of time.

But then today I have a business lunch with my new boss. My boss knows him a little bit. My boss said he’s a good guy (just for a feeling, my boss don’t know him much).

And I think he’s a good guy too because of the way he talks. But maybe he doesn’t looking for anything serious. Since my boss said he’s a good guy, I can’t stop myself thinking of him (not really intense but..)

 

Yes, and it’s the whole ‘story’. Sorry that it takes so long.

What I’m thinking right now is.. Should I have some kind of romance with him just for the sake of sex? Because that’s what he wants, and what I want too.

But as I said, I’m an Asian and you know our culture right? About sex, we’re not free like you guys. So this is would be really, really, really bad in my culture. And I’m a virgin. I’m 22.

But I’ve been affected much by Western culture and I want to ‘live’ a bit. No one would know about this. I’m a good girl and always will be. But I just live one time, I want to try things. Then I will be a good faithful girlfriend/ wife.

Since this will be kind of secret interest things, since his body is hard to look for in Asian guys.

I know I’m talking like a bitch, but that’s what I think right now and I just want to be honest…

 

Please give me advice. Thank you.

[whisper90]

Please help me, I really need your advices...

[irin]

dont do it. hes just going to use, theres a very good chance of you getting emotionally attached. its a whole lot of heartache.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Whisper, you have to do what is true to yourself. Are you only not having sex because of cultural reasons? Or do you think a part of you isn't into causual sex even if you are curious about sex yourself? If the only reason you aren't having the sex is because of the expectations that are placed on you by your society, then I say go for the sex. But if you aren't having casual sex because of your own beliefs, because of the way you may want to be treated, even if you are curious about sex, you really need to figure that out.

 

When I was around your age, a lot of my friends were partying a lot and getting into things that I wasn't ready for. I thought I needed to be more like them so I tried to be. But ultimately it wasn't for me. I don't necessarily regret those few experiences I had. They did teach me things. But I also might have been just fine without them too.

 

You're young and you are going to make mistakes. This is part of figuring out who you are. You need to figure out exactly what is holding you back and only you can really answer that. Also, be careful in over-romanticizing men because of their looks or even sometimes the way they treat you at a surface level. Although I understand your desire about sex, when it's with the wrong person, it's not exactly cracked up to be all that. And from the information you gave, despite this guy's nice figure, I am not convinced it sounds like you two have all that much of a connection.

[Mint Sauce]

My 2 cent: you'll regret it. The concept of "I do this once and then it's out of my system", I don't believe that.

 

Plus, if you've really been raised conservatively about sex, chances are high you'll have a guilt-hangover.

 

I understand the tension between upbringing and western culture, but you can't get your virginity back...Think about this very hard, best at a moment when your sexual desire is low (you probably know how to reach that state )

[Yamaha]

Should I have some kind of romance with him just for the sake of sex? Because that’s what he wants, and what I want too

 

It seems like you've made your decision.

 

If your ok with giving your virginity to a guy who just wants sex, but is different from Asian men, that is your call.

 

You want to experiment with men before you settle down with someone serious. It happens all the time.

 

Personally I would advise against it and wait until you find someone you like and love but if you want to be the bad girl and try the exciting life you wouldn't be the first. Can a unknown person on the internet advise you on how to live your life?

 

You will do what you want to do!!

[Quiet Storm]

It sounds like you are attracted to him and want to explore this.

 

What do you want for your future? Do you see yourself marrying an Asian man? If so, how would you handle this subject with your future husband if you decide to do it?

 

I would go into this understanding that if you marry within your culture, your future husband will judge you for this. I do not think it would be a good idea to start a marriage with a lie. Your husband may never find out, but YOU would know. And that knowledge would create a barrier to true intimacy in your marriage. It may be only one lie about something that happened way before your marriage, but deceiving a person about something you know would be very important to them, is wrong.

 

If you don't want to get married or would consider marrying someone outside of your culture, then this little escapade won't matter as much.

 

As for him using you, that's a possibility, but it sounds like there would be mutual using going on. You are aware he likely just wants sex, and you are physically attracted to him, so it would be about mutual pleasure, and not about expectations for a future together. However, I will tell you that sex can bond you emotionally to a man. You may not intend for that to happen, but it often does. If he only wants sex, and you end up wanting more, you will feel hurt and disappointed.

 

Just think about what you want for your future, and the possible ramifications and consequences of this.

[church9832]

You should lose your virginity to someone you really love not some random, you'll reget it

[stillafool]

 

 

 

I’m an Asian and you know our culture right? About sex, we’re not free like

you guys. So this is would be really, really, really bad in my culture. And I’m

a virgin. I’m 22.

 

Oh yes, all Asian women are virgins until they marry.

 

 

I know I’m talking like a bitch, but that’s what I think right now and I just

want to be honest…

 

Please give me advice. Thank you.

 

I say go for it because you know you still want to. Otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread. Just don't expect anything other than sex from him.

[whisper90]

Thank you for all the advises, I appreciate them, really I do.

 

I listened to myself and did what I heard from it.

Asian.. culture.. nothing means a thing. I'm individual me myself. I live and I do what true to myself.

 

I texted him and we met, in his house, 10pm.

We drank wine and talked.

A knew a lot more about him.

He's a sweet nice guy who love his family so much. His apartment is well decorated. He's older than me 12ys but he seems to be young, both personality and appearance.

I started to have feelings. I'll get to know him a little more.

 

When I say I started to have feelings, I mean he's all I think about since we said good night to each other.

I know he didn't want me to leave soon but I should go.

 

We talked things straight. He said maybe he was too old for me. I said for me it was about feelings and I wanted to get to know him more. And he asked me whether I would like him after that. I smiled maybe, maybe not.

 

But the truth is I like him already.

 

What should I do next? Wait for him to contact me or do whatever I want, meet him whenever I want. He seems to want to meet me whatsoever.

[Ninjainpajamas]

The reality is whisper90, the moment you walked into that door he already had you.

 

He was going to talk to you, and "get to know you" and then you'd walk away feeling like you really liked the guy as long as he didn't screw it up. The wine of course always helps people open up and the conversation to flow.

 

The guys got 12 years on you though, he'd have to be a complete fool to screw it up because he's already been down this road...where as for you everything is an exploring and wandering journey, so you'll be open to things even If they aren't any good for you.

 

The balls in his court really, you've already showed your cards/naivety in saying it's about emotions than age, and If he has any sense he already knows he has this in the bag...it's just a matter of pacing and again, not doing anything stupid or shows any waning flags like having a wife or GF back in the motherland. He's not a fool though, he knows where this will lead...and once your emotions start to direct your emotions, it's game over for you.

 

Now it's really up to him to decide what he wants to do here....listen to his gut or conscience that he's older than you...he can very likely tell you are inexperienced and he'll come to realize that the more he talks with you...then he'll be able to see the vulnerability, as well as the opportunity.

 

Chances are he'll end up sleeping with you, you'll catch feelings and in the end he'll be back in his country. The virginity thing will slow the pace down, this is a part where he may either push or bide his time with you. He'll weigh in the consequences here and there, but that will ultimately allow him to be much more patient than he may otherwise be with a woman.

 

But the good news is you'll probably still think he's a great guy and all of that (not saying he's a bad guy or anything, it's just kind of irrelevant) and walk away valuing that kind of experience because he's likely already used to damage control and he'll tell you that he loves you, just not ready for a relationship/not in love with you, since he travels and all of that. Although it will ultimately hurt you very much to give your virginity to a man, which will naturally allow you to attach to him and see him as something special automatically, and won't want to see that end.

 

If he's a good guy though he'll tell you what his intentions are and what he is looking for...this is definitely the next conversation you should have, and don't make it a one question type of thing...really talk about it, talk about his past relationships, why he's here, what his long-term plans are...get a feel for his ambitions and goals in life before you start getting your heads in the emotional clouds.

 

If you feel like he's being short or telling you what you want to hear or being vague about it, that's a definite red flag because he's not being open about it. And If I were you I wouldn't sweep that under the rug, because you think you're going to just go into this and enjoy the experience (as many women do) but you will always catch emotions, that should really just be a given for you and don't fool yourself into thinking it won't....It ALWAYS does develop (especially with virginity), whether he's a complete idiot or great guy, It never fails because then your emotions make all the decisions for you.

 

Hopefully you'll use your better sense before you become emotionally attached to this guy and then you just become wrapped into it, also you seem to be cultured and a bit repressed/traditional...that will either help you or hurt you in this situation. I would really think about what you're doing and what you want, your virginity is up to you and If It was special to you in the past then I wouldn't just throw it away on a guy his in and out of the country and possibly not as cultured or traditional as you'd like...which you may not think makes a difference now but trust me..it always comes into play at some point, especially If things were to become serious....for a fling however, Of course that has little bearing.

[NoMoreJerks]

Well, it looks like you were looking for something more than just sex initially, but now you say you only want sex. Are you sure? If not, I'd be careful because chances are, you might get emotionally attached to him, and if he's only after the sex, I'm afraid you will get hurt. You talk about culture and how your culture is more conservative when it comes to these things. Do people need to know, though, if you have a one night stand with this guy ? I am assuming you live on your own?

[NoMoreJerks]

He's a sweet nice guy who love his family so much. His apartment is well decorated. He's older than me 12ys but he seems to be young, both personality and appearance.

I started to have feelings. I'll get to know him a little more.

Listen. If your instincts told you that he wants sex from you, nothing that you talked about really matters. He's just doing it as a way to get to the sex. Be careful. You're already getting attached to this guy. He reminds me of my ex. I swear, after having gone out with him for a month, I kept telling my friends that he was such a nice guy who loved his family, has a nice house, lives on his own, is 10 years my senior, he looks younger than he is, etc. And I developed a lot of feelings for him... I was a virgin when I first met him, and lost my virginity to him.

 

Then he started asking for "space" and talking about how he was "single" because it's hard to keep a relationship going when he travels around so much, etc. Key word for "I was just looking for casual sex, and didn't intend for you to get emotionally attached to me."

 

Be careful.

[NoMoreJerks]

Most excellently played.

In the end, though, the player ended up being played as well.

[whisper90]

If he's a good guy though he'll tell you what his intentions are and what he is looking for...this is definitely the next conversation you should have, and don't make it a one question type of thing...really talk about it, talk about his past relationships, why he's here, what his long-term plans are...get a feel for his ambitions and goals in life before you start getting your heads in the emotional clouds.

 

If you feel like he's being short or telling you what you want to hear or being vague about it, that's a definite red flag because he's not being open about it. And If I were you I wouldn't sweep that under the rug, because you think you're going to just go into this and enjoy the experience (as many women do) but you will always catch emotions, that should really just be a given for you and don't fool yourself into thinking it won't....It ALWAYS does develop (especially with virginity), whether he's a complete idiot or great guy, It never fails because then your emotions make all the decisions for you.

 

Hopefully you'll use your better sense before you become emotionally attached to this guy and then you just become wrapped into it, also you seem to be cultured and a bit repressed/traditional...that will either help you or hurt you in this situation. I would really think about what you're doing and what you want, your virginity is up to you and If It was special to you in the past then I wouldn't just throw it away on a guy his in and out of the country and possibly not as cultured or traditional as you'd like...which you may not think makes a difference now but trust me..it always comes into play at some point, especially If things were to become serious....for a fling however, Of course that has little bearing.

 

Thank you. I'll be more careful. And he did tell me what his intentions are.

He has 5 years time to be in my country, and there's one year left. Before there was a girl for 1.5 year and then things got serious. She had to get married, and he wants to marry someone with the same origin. The reason is about the kids. He comes from Canada but originally his family comes from the Middle East. He wants to teach the kids Arabic, what if the wife wants to teach the kids her language, things like that.

 

And I have to say, the reason he didn't do anything stupid maybe because my uncle was in the next door. I live in my apartment with my young uncle.

 

One more year he will return to his hometown mostly because he's homesick. The guy maybe a player but for sure I know he loves his family. He shows me text messages and videos of his niece (11) and nephew (5) talking about normal silly things. They love him. Maybe this is just a tool to get my emotions but what he does with them is for real. He also said when you have kids, all the priorities in your life will change, it's all for the kids and smiled 'That's what people say, I haven't have kid yet'.

 

I asked about his past, about his childhood and teenager times. He said he don't remember much, when he was 12,13.. maybe just normal things, came to school, played with his cousins. Then teenager, he became tall fast, skinny boy, wanted to try new things, normal like that.

I said he's in good shape right now. He said because he exercised a lot and he thought he still should gain 5 more kgs and asked me what I like, skinny or.. (I guess he's used to be an insecure guy like most of other teenager boys)

I said um, I like boys in good shape. He asked so you like my body? I smiled it's ok and he repeated softly it's ok.

I tell you this short conversation because I think it can tell you anything?

[whisper90]

Listen. If your instincts told you that he wants sex from you, nothing that you talked about really matters. He's just doing it as a way to get to the sex. Be careful. You're already getting attached to this guy. He reminds me of my ex. I swear, after having gone out with him for a month, I kept telling my friends that he was such a nice guy who loved his family, has a nice house, lives on his own, is 10 years my senior, he looks younger than he is, etc. And I developed a lot of feelings for him... I was a virgin when I first met him, and lost my virginity to him.

 

Then he started asking for "space" and talking about how he was "single" because it's hard to keep a relationship going when he travels around so much, etc. Key word for "I was just looking for casual sex, and didn't intend for you to get emotionally attached to me."

 

Be careful.

 

Um.. I think if I'm easy, that what he will do to me too..

[ascendotum]

dont do it. hes just going to use, theres a very good chance of you getting emotionally attached. its a whole lot of heartache.

I didn't see the bit were this guy said he was not interested in a relationship and just out for NSA.

[bobsmith76]

You can't be bad for a while then be good, that's not what good is. If you do a bad deed you always be less good than you were before. The less promiscuous you are, the better your chances are for a successful marriage.