TMR Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 New here, please read and let me know what you think:) I have been with my bf for a year. We are to get married next month. We live together, have children from past marriages. We love each other very much. Of course we have issues, every relationship does. And I know they say you shouldnt get married even if you have ONE doubt. But these are issues I think we can work through. I just need an outsiders opinion to see if this is a "normal" relationship. Here are the good things: He is always there for me. He listens to me and cares about my feelings. My needs comes before his. He loves my kids and spends alot of time with them. I come before his friends. We come before anything else/ he takes care of his family. He goes out of his way to make sure I am ok. The Bad: He doesnt want me going out with my friends without him, unless its lunch. (no bars). If I want to go for a walk alone, he gets upset. He has to have "external" validation from people to feel good about himself (so he is WAY outgoing). When we first got together there were some red flags, he hit on a 16 year old (he's in his 30's.) So I am worried he will leave me for a younger woman. He said it was a one time, dumb thing. He told me he hopes my butt dont get bigger, his hands fit perfect on it now;) So now I am worried about gaining a pound. He doesnt like fat women. Now all that said, do you think we can work through them or are we doomed? Please dont say just dump him, cause he is a great guy. I just want some opinions please:) Thanks so much!
WhatYouWantToHear Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 It depends on you. Can you be/Do you want to be subservient? Once married it will be you can't wear certain clothes or makeup. Then you're on an allowance. Then you're on a diet and exercise routine because you put on 2 pounds. Why'd his past relationships break up? And be aware, whatever reason he gives you is probably not the reason his ex would give.
GirlontheLam Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 The Bad: 1. He doesnt want me going out with my friends without him, unless its lunch. (no bars). 2. If I want to go for a walk alone, he gets upset. 3. He has to have "external" validation from people to feel good about himself (so he is WAY outgoing). 4. When we first got together there were some red flags, he hit on a 16 year old (he's in his 30's.) So I am worried he will leave me for a younger woman. He said it was a one time, dumb thing. 5. He told me he hopes my butt dont get bigger, his hands fit perfect on it now;) So now I am worried about gaining a pound. He doesnt like fat women. 1. Big red flag. You need "your time" and he needs "his time." Restriction the time of day and the types of outings with your friends is pretty ridiculous. It sounds like he might be a bit possessive or jealous, and that is a red flag. What happens if someone tries to hit on you if you are out together, or you encounter a flirty waiter/store clerk/whatever. 2. This is interesting. What causes his concern, safety or jealousy issues? 3. It depends on how extreme this is, how problematic it is. How does he fee when you compliment him? 4. How old did the 16 year old look? Under 18? Under 21 but over 18 or under 25? If he is hitting on women that clearly look too young to go to the bar, that is troublesome. 5. You need some more evidence on this one. How does he treat people who he doesn't find attractive? Does he have lots of disparaging comments about women's bodies?
weallfalldown Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 women often percieve men as posessive when they don't like you to go out to bars etc. Well it's just a basic caveman instinct from men sometimes, to keep what he has, as we all know, women go out looking good for one real reason, attention!....don't tell me otherwise. Asking you to stay the same weight? well that might not happen......so he should accept you for what you are, and look like, if you put on 60lbs and turned into a lard ass then yea ,beware lol. Sounds ok to me.......you either accept it for what it is, and who he is, or you forever moan about it.......be happy with what you have. people are all too keen to walk these days, and it aint ever gona solve anything!. your both in your 30's with kids, and remember he accepts yours and does well by them, so be gratefull!!...
Author TMR Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 GirlontheLam: 1. Big red flag. You need "your time" and he needs "his time." Restriction the time of day and the types of outings with your friends is pretty ridiculous. It sounds like he might be a bit possessive or jealous, and that is a red flag. What happens if someone tries to hit on you if you are out together, or you encounter a flirty waiter/store clerk/whatever. I agree- when we are out together and I see someone I know and say Hi, he is across the bar and by my side in like a second to see what we're talking about. 2. This is interesting. What causes his concern, safety or jealousy issues? I am not sure, even if its during the day, he has to go with me. 3. It depends on how extreme this is, how problematic it is. How does he fee when you compliment him? I compliment him all the time. He just says thanks and he loves me. 4. How old did the 16 year old look? Under 18? Under 21 but over 18 or under 25? If he is hitting on women that clearly look too young to go to the bar, that is troublesome. She looked old for 16. 5. You need some more evidence on this one. How does he treat people who he doesn't find attractive? Does he have lots of disparaging comments about women's bodies? He treats everyone the same. He is alittle nicer and outgoing to hot women lol but he is nice and outgoing to everyone. And your all right, woman do go out for attention. I am not saying I want to. Its just for like a girlfriends birthday or something, we may have a girls night. He wont go for that.
GirlontheLam Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 GirlontheLam: 1. Big red flag. You need "your time" and he needs "his time." Restriction the time of day and the types of outings with your friends is pretty ridiculous. It sounds like he might be a bit possessive or jealous, and that is a red flag. What happens if someone tries to hit on you if you are out together, or you encounter a flirty waiter/store clerk/whatever. I agree- when we are out together and I see someone I know and say Hi, he is across the bar and by my side in like a second to see what we're talking about. I think this is a little extreme. This, based on the other examples, seem pretty possessive to me. As in, you can't have any time apart from him. This is improbable and impossible. People he doesn't know are going to talk to you. Some with innocent intentions, some without. He needs to trust you to handle the situation appropriately. 2. This is interesting. What causes his concern, safety or jealousy issues? I am not sure, even if its during the day, he has to go with me. What happens when you are not with him during the day? This is a red flag for me, it doesn't sound like he is concerned about you being safe, but you being away from him and attracting attention. 3. It depends on how extreme this is, how problematic it is. How does he fee when you compliment him? I compliment him all the time. He just says thanks and he loves me. I know I personally like to have external validation. But it doesn't drive me to fish for compliments etc. I love meeting new people, and tend to make small talk, talk to strangers, and meet new people where ever I go. 4. How old did the 16 year old look? Under 18? Under 21 but over 18 or under 25? If he is hitting on women that clearly look too young to go to the bar, that is troublesome. She looked old for 16. It is hard to say if the 16 year old thing is a problem. But I didn't quite understand the context of this approach. Were you two in an exclusive relationship? Did you witness it? what exactly happened? 5. You need some more evidence on this one. How does he treat people who he doesn't find attractive? Does he have lots of disparaging comments about women's bodies? He treats everyone the same. He is alittle nicer and outgoing to hot women lol but he is nice and outgoing to everyone. Personally I am skeptical of men who are critical of body changes. Everyone changes as they age etc. Preferences are fine of course, and you want your partner to "resemble" the person you fell in love with. But if you go up a size, and he freaks out....that is a problem. And your all right, woman do go out for attention. I am not saying I want to. Its just for like a girlfriends birthday or something, we may have a girls night. He wont go for that. Personally, I have girls night. I tend to dress up most of the time. If I am going out with my friends, we are going out to have fun, with no goals of attracting attention. Of course there are some women, who go out to feel like they are still "attractive" to other people. But if your boyfriend has that fear every time you go out "unsupervised" you have much larger issues.
weallfalldown Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 whine whine whine....classic example's of women that are never happy, and never will be.......good luck!
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