Is it insanity to even consider?

[Jingle14]

Apologies for all my posts on here over the last couple of days, I am boring myself to apologies to you all who may read them. I would appreciate comments on this now though:

Brief summary:

· Jan 2008 – met as part of a newly formed community group, instant connection but nothing said (both unavailable) – I denied and repressed my growing feelings (unbeknown to me, he was doing the same)

· Autumn 2008 – kissed at a group function, put it down to being drunk (I wasn’t)

· Maintain platonic intermittent contact (instigated by him generally, including using a firm in my building for work, all a ploy to see me but I had no idea)

· Winter 2009 – he splits with wife (her choice)

· Autumn 2010 – arrange to meet for (what I thought) platonic catch up when working in London but he told me he had been infatuated with me since our very first meeting, I was a ‘vision’ apparently! Started a very intense relationship which we said would be forever and we were incredibly happy to have ‘found’ each other, talked about moving in together as soon as his financial settlement was agreed, we said every day how much we loved and adored each other and were closer than we had ever been with anyone else

· Feb 2011 – he dumped me, said we had ‘hit a wall and imploded’ but we stayed in contract and even shared a bed on occasion despite him saying his feelings for me were gone. I fell apart.

· March 2011 – he ‘let go of the log and let feelings take over’ when I went to his one evening for a final talk and he persuaded me to stay when I almost left as soon as I got there, he ‘knew subconsciously’ I wasn’t going back again. His feelings were again very strong, despite his having no intentions of our getting back together and we were really happy again

· End of June 2011 – dumped again, he felt we were incompatible, despite the attraction and chemistry still being there. We remained in intermittent contact, occasionally physically. Again, I fell apart as I adored him

· Sept 2011 – a week of friends with benefits (again all the chemistry and connection was there, which he admitted saying we fit together') but he started seeing someone else the same week I thought he was considering our getting back together. I was heartbroken beyond belief and it didn’t go well.

· Very little contact apart from a few texts and emails I sent him, he only replied once – at Christmas after I had sent a conciliatory email to apologise for my behaviour at the end of September.

· 2012 – sent him 2 emails and 1 text, no reply. In May I contacted him because something he bought me and which was still under warranty broke. He replied and offered to sort it out. When I collected it, we hugged for over an hour and we both reminisced fondly (although during this time, he closed his eyes while looking into mine and also told me that I had to let him go). 2 days later in a pub, he ignored me when I went over to say hello to him and a mutual friend, he didn’t even look at me while I was talking to the friend.

· July 2012 I sent him a text to say I hoped his child had a nice birthday. I got a nice reply thanking me, which I replied to and he replied again but I left it at that.

· September – I emailed him to let him know my friend was staying at a place we had stayed and was asking his partner to marry him in a place special to us. I got a really nice reply within half an hour which was warm and friendly and with a question at the end about my child. I replied in the same warm tone as his but got no reply. Last Saturday, 4 days after the email, he walked past with his child when I was sitting outside a cafe with a friend, he half smiled and waved and I did the same.

 

So far as I know – although I don’t know for sure, I am assuming – he is with the same person he started seeing last September (although if he is, I doubt she would be pleased he was hugging me all that time, stroking my hair, holding me tightly and talking about amazing times we’d had and would still be having if we were together). He lied to me in 2008 that he wasn’t interested (he was but stayed with his then wife because he was ‘terrified’ of losing his child), and can be very detached and convincing when he lies. What I want to know now is, after getting that very nice and unexpectedly friendly email, when I hadn’t expected anything at all, would it be absolute madness to contact him and ask if enough time has passed for us to be friends – he said he had wanted this, that he didn’t want me not in his life, after we broke up. Part of me knows (the sensible part) that if he wanted this then he knows where I am. The other part... All I know is, we meant so much to each other, like we had found the other half of each other but it was a difficult time because of our circumstances and he wasn’t used to dealing with conflict. I did behave out of character, again through circumstances, and he couldn’t cope with this and thought that was the real me, which it very much wasn’t. Am I being stupid? (I can take it but would appreciate nothing too hurtful, please).

Edited September 27, 2012 by Jingle14

[Hobbit]

Sounds like you were the rebound relationship (even though he'd been split for a year+) and he was just after sex. He sounds very fickle

 

Someone correct me if Im wrong, but thats how I read it.

[Jingle14]

Sounds like you were the rebound relationship (even though he'd been split for a year+) and he was just after sex. He sounds very fickle

 

Someone correct me if Im wrong, but thats how I read it.

 

No this was definitely not the case, he had fantasised about me for the remaining year and a half of his marriage (which had not been great, he said he only knew how dreadful it was and how badly he had been treated during it when he got together with me and I showed him how things should be). He disliked his ex, said she was 'lazy, selfish and boring', she had restricted his life and expected him to do everything for her, she wouldn't even get a seat in a pub but would stand and wait for him - I'm the opposite of that. He only stayed with her because of the child, as his relative had had to go to the High Court to get access to his child when they had split and he completely and utterly adores his child. He said if it had been a straight choice between me and this woman, he would have packed and left immediately he had known I was interested. If there is one thing I am certain of it is that I most definitely was not a rebound.

[Mcnulty]

Why are you doing this to yourself?? You're looking for breadcrumbs by contacting him, when you should have been trying to heal and move on.

 

He had a new woman, he's moved on. You are being your own worst enemy.

 

FWB??? He was using you for sex, because he COULD.

 

You need to cut him out of your life completely.

[Hobbit]

You deserve more IMO

 

It sounds like he was just fulfilling his fantasy of being with you and then got bored. I cant believe some men, what a prick.

[geegirl]

Quit chasing the man. Stop. Enough.

 

No matter how many times you get lack luster responses from him after your attempts to test the waters, you still keep trying to open the door.

 

You kissed when he was married. He was with another woman when he was hanging with you. He demoted you to a f*** buddy. He broke up with you more than once. What about this makes you want to keep going back for more?

 

Friends? That's the coward's way of keeping a foot in the door because they're too afraid to let go. And you've shown time and time again, you can't let go.

 

In 4 months, your investment in this rollercoaster ride:

 

5 YEARS with Zero return

 

When does this end?

[Hindsight_is_20_20]

I've done this with a guy before. I feel like it has a lot to do with self esteem. He's telling you that he doesn't want a relationship with you for whatever reason but then when he shows some sort of sexual attraction to you, you think.. maybe it could be different now? Maybe he's changed now that some time has gone by? It's been a few months, surely he must miss me? But you're going to always fall short with him because he is who he is. And he will always be this way unless he makes an effort by his own doing to change that.

 

I feel like guys will hook up with girls that are just "there" when it's easy. As women we think they must be emotionally invested if they're doing this but truth is, that is not always the case.

 

I'm sorry, I know how you're feeling but part of you has to try and push this guy away and when the "what if" thoughts enter your head you have to rationalize them and not act on them. Seeing him, reaching out and not focusing on your own life is what is going to keep you stuck.

 

Not that it worked out for me but once I let my guy go, it wasn't long after that I met my most recent ex. Now he's the one I'm pinning over and the guy I was emotionally obsessing over for years before him doesn't seem all that special to me anymore.

 

What a waste of time I spent on the last one. It's the wisdom from this past experience that is forcing myself to not let myself go there with this most recent breakup.

 

You have to find the logic behind it and when you get emotional, you have to put it in check. It's easier said than done though.

[CopingGal]

Hi. It sounds painful. I would stay away from him. I don't think he appreciates you enough. I have a feeling one day he will be back for me. I hope you reject him when this happens.

[simpilot]

Jingle, you are WAY too good for this sort of behavior. He does not seem to want to have a relationship with you but whats the ol "have your cake and eat it too." He wants to relieve the guilt from what he has done to you by telling you that you want to be "just friends." If you are truly in love with him you will have to let him go for a long time to see if there is anything there really worth fighting for. I think this would fall under "mental abuse" by the amount of sex without emotions and attachment, as well as all the false promises and hope.

 

Trust me, I believe in love above all things. I think this will turn into your utter hell and there is a guy out there looking for YOU to change your life for the better. I would let him go if he is with someone else, you cannot make a person see things on the level you do no matter what you say to him or convey such feelings. From this perspective you have given, you are an amazing woman with such passion and empathy for another person even though they have done you so wrong. I can relate because I was born with tons of empathy for people and always try to rationalize everything that they do. I trust you know in your heart what to do with this situation, you need more time and no contact from this negativity in your life to lift you up and see the world of love you are missing out on!

[Jingle14]

Jingle, you are WAY too good for this sort of behavior. He does not seem to want to have a relationship with you but whats the ol "have your cake and eat it too." He wants to relieve the guilt from what he has done to you by telling you that you want to be "just friends." If you are truly in love with him you will have to let him go for a long time to see if there is anything there really worth fighting for. I think this would fall under "mental abuse" by the amount of sex without emotions and attachment, as well as all the false promises and hope.

 

Trust me, I believe in love above all things. I think this will turn into your utter hell and there is a guy out there looking for YOU to change your life for the better. I would let him go if he is with someone else, you cannot make a person see things on the level you do no matter what you say to him or convey such feelings. From this perspective you have given, you are an amazing woman with such passion and empathy for another person even though they have done you so wrong. I can relate because I was born with tons of empathy for people and always try to rationalize everything that they do. I trust you know in your heart what to do with this situation, you need more time and no contact from this negativity in your life to lift you up and see the world of love you are missing out on!

 

Thanks for reading and thank you for your view. You wouldn't be the first person to say that, to them and based on what I told them, it was an abusive relationship. Certainly didn't feel like that initially, and I had got to know him over time and was drawn to him based on the qualities he portrayed himself as having. If you want to see more of my ramblings, and have the inclination, I have also posted on the thread in Coping 'post here instead of contacting your ex', including one today and one yesterday.

 

It's very difficult, and I continually search for anything which will help me to make sense of the whole thing, where I went wrong etc., so I really appreciate your comments. Thank you

[Exit]

I agree with all the others and will boil it down to two words: let go. I know it's easier said than done. But based on your post, it's clear you are still deep in the stage of drowning in the details and trying to make sense of it. You know in horror or crime movies when they bust into the creep-o's apartment and find the wall covered with photos and newspaper articles of the people they're obsessed about? I'm not calling you a loony, but that's currently how you're treating the relationship. The fact that you can even make a bulleted list with dates and details about amount of contact, who sent a text to who, etc, you need to tear all of those newspaper clippings off of that wall in your mind. It didn't work for a reason. Let it go. We all want to figure out how to arrange the pieces of the story so suddenly it makes sense and we don't feel so guilty, but that type of closure is rare. You'll have to move on without getting all of your questions answered.

[Jingle14]

I agree with all the others and will boil it down to two words: let go. I know it's easier said than done. But based on your post, it's clear you are still deep in the stage of drowning in the details and trying to make sense of it. You know in horror or crime movies when they bust into the creep-o's apartment and find the wall covered with photos and newspaper articles of the people they're obsessed about? I'm not calling you a loony, but that's currently how you're treating the relationship. The fact that you can even make a bulleted list with dates and details about amount of contact, who sent a text to who, etc, you need to tear all of those newspaper clippings off of that wall in your mind. It didn't work for a reason. Let it go. We all want to figure out how to arrange the pieces of the story so suddenly it makes sense and we don't feel so guilty, but that type of closure is rare. You'll have to move on without getting all of your questions answered.

 

I remember everything because i broke up my family for this man - judge me if you want, it won't be anything i haven't beaten myself up over for two years - and am still dealing with the fallout. In those circumstances, you kind of remember the details. You also hope, and expect, the person will stand by you.

 

And I think I'm just about done with this forum now, time to deal with my heartbreak on my own.