ambustry Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 Been 2 months of no contact. I think of her, and I don't feel as much of longing to see her as much as I feel like crap because I feel as if I let something full of potential get away. She said I neglected her and took her for granted. She was a bit too needy and needed a lot of attention from me, as for the latter, I truly did take her for granted. I think about the scenerio of us getting back together and I can't process it because I feel like I have been betrayed by a best friend and a lover of three years. I figure if she has the capacity to do this to me, then there is no reason for why we should ever get back together. What aches hard is that I have this terrible personality flaw where I idolize that which I don't have. I placed her on a pedistil and now she seems godly to me with no faults of her own. Has anyone been in any sort of similar situation? Any friendly advice? Thanks.
Minka333 Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 She seems godly now coz' she's not around. You want what you don't have. There's solitude in the quietness that surrounds you. But once she's back, nagging and annoying you daily would you still feel the same way? 4
Sav Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 I'm in the same situation as you. But I've thought long and hard. Her faults (for me) are quite crystal clear. She is needy, clingy, irritating and perhaps many many more. For me, my ex is quite the good gf but she is just so damn clingy, jealous, insecure and it's driving me crazy on a daily basis. Sure, she has many good qualities, but having an insecure and jealous gf for me is quite a deal breaker because there can ultimately be no trust in a relationship. Once I realized this, I started seeing clearer. Of course I miss her but at least I'm clear headed now. Find the deal breaker for yours. I'm sure she has loads of annoying habits. You wouldnt take her for granted if you truly adored her anyway ^^ it's the truth. I've been going in circles in my head with this theory and finally realized that it's true. We are just not meant for each other. Find the reasons why you took her for granted and maybe you too will see clearer 1
Author ambustry Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 Sadly all I think about is the instant gratification... and even when I look to the future I can see myself being content getting back what I had before even though I know it will not work. I say this full understanding how egotistical this sounds and hypocritical when only a post ago I explained how I can't get back with someone who betrayed me. I realize that this mentality is illogical, but understanding that does not make me feel better.
Author ambustry Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 Hey, what you say is so very true. And going into the relationship I was not head over heels for her. But what scares me is that someone who I will be crazy about would leave me completely volnurable. I'm afraid that finding someone who I won't take for granted leaves a risk of being completely decimated if she was to hurt me by cheating or leaving me. You know what I mean? My ex was great. She was actuallyfunny smart and pretty. But like your situation my ex was insecure extremely clingy and needed cconstant reassurance of the strength of the relationship. I don't know exactly what led me to raking her for granted.
LostOne1 Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 Man your problems sounds EXACTLY like mines. Same here with 3 yrs and my ex being needy. She left me, and I think it was cause I didn't give her enough time. She wanted so much more, and I realized now... I just can't dedicate it in my life. I know how you feel, today I feel wonderful. It's been 30 days NC, but I laughed at all the good memories we had the fun times. The bad times are gone out of my mind now. I just remember good old times and smile. I realize these moments make me happy even after it all ending. I know that these moments will KEEP me happy till I find someone else to make new moments with... and then these ones will fade. 2
Sav Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 As I've mentioned, my situation is EXACTLY like yours. I took her for granted and she dumped me. I wasn't even in love with her. This was a rebound relationship that lasted 2.5 years. Still, I was hurt. I've thought things the way you have too. I've asked so many questions and at times find myself so scared. But then I realized, if I truly loved her, these things wouldnt have happened. I was only with her because I was afraid to be alone. Honestly, my breakup has caused me, forced me, to mature and grow up and look things with a new perspective. What I can say is that, love is always a risk you have to take. There is no guarantee that your partner won't cheat, won't reciprocate your feelings. Look at our ex's, they loved us and we took them for granted. They took the risk and it didnt pay off. So they left. It's alright to be scared. It's alright to be scarred. But in the end, this is how life is. We might not be able to find someone as "great" as our ex BUT we can definitely find someone whom we love with all our heart. And then they will be even greater than our exes in our eyes. It's not about finding the one who has the best qualities, it's finding the one who brings out the best qualities in you. Clearly this girl hasn't been able to do it, she's not for you
Sav Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 As I've mentioned, my situation is EXACTLY like yours. I took her for granted and she dumped me. I wasn't even in love with her. This was a rebound relationship that lasted 2.5 years. Still, I was hurt. I've thought things the way you have too. I've asked so many questions and at times find myself so scared. But then I realized, if I truly loved her, these things wouldnt have happened. I was only with her because I was afraid to be alone. Honestly, my breakup has caused me, forced me, to mature and grow up and look things with a new perspective. What I can say is that, love is always a risk you have to take. There is no guarantee that your partner won't cheat, won't reciprocate your feelings. Look at our ex's, they loved us and we took them for granted. They took the risk and it didnt pay off. So they left. It's alright to be scared. It's alright to be scarred. But in the end, this is how life is. We might not be able to find someone as "great" as our ex BUT we can definitely find someone whom we love with all our heart. And then they will be even greater than our exes in our eyes. It's not about finding the one who has the best qualities, it's finding the one who brings out the best qualities in you. Clearly this girl hasn't been able to do it, she's not for you
Author ambustry Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 This is truly making me feel better. I am rather OK with being alone. I can cope with it for now. But when the thought surfaces about her being with another guy and her being happy with someone else that makes me sad. So I figured if I just take herb out of my thought process and not relate my solitude to her situation consistently, then maybe I'll feel better. For that I'd have to not think about her at all, which to be honest is quite a feat. I also shared many amazing moments and she wanted me much more than I wanted her. But I still miss her presence sometimes and that dam feeling of losing something that was once yours but now will be somebody else's.
Author ambustry Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 Thank you. This is truly words of pure wisdom. Ive been reading so much lately and nowhere was it worded as elegantly as you put it.
Sav Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 Why thank you . I guess it's because I understand what you're going through having gone through them myself. It's been around 2.5 months since the breakup and its a 2.5 year relationship. I can't say I'm fully healed. I do get upset at the thought of her being happy with another guy but that's okay. We always want what we can't have. But you know what? It doesn't matter! Clearly I've been unhappy in the relationship, what's the point of wanting her back. It's just the loneliness, once you get used to being alone, things are so much more different. I really hope you will get through this soon . Don't feel regret at having lost a "great" relationship because it isn't that great. I felt regret at one point of time and realized I was in love with her attributes, not her. Most importantly, take this time as a lesson like I have. Don't enter a relationship half assed because it only ends up with both parties hurt. And this have definitely taught me to treasure my future gf. You will get through this, because this is just a minor setback (you weren't even madly in love ^^). Plough through the loneliness and you'll surely emerge a better man, more ready for a relationship than you ever were before good luck and godspeed!
winstonsdreams Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 Dude i am in a similar position, i broke up with a girl because she was VERY needy, clingy, jealous and lacking in self esteem. She hated me not being around all the time, like every day and started calling me a 'part-time' boyfriend. She said her son always missed me and i was cruel for not spending more time with him. I felt awful and guilty all the time, and eventually had to end it. Now don't get me wrong she had plenty of good qualities, she was lovely, funny, fun to be around and affectionate, i could have married her actually. But in the end i had to do what was best for both of us, so i try to remember the reasons i ended it, we have our needs and priorities too, the right person should love us for the way we are. I just need to get her off the pedestal and realize there are other girls out there!
youdunsay Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 As I've mentioned, my situation is EXACTLY like yours. I took her for granted and she dumped me. I wasn't even in love with her. This was a rebound relationship that lasted 2.5 years. Still, I was hurt. Sorry but this is a thing I don't about men. If you wasn't in love with her why do you still feel hurt? And why did you take her for granted?
Sav Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 (edited) I would say not crazily in love with her. And I've already said it, I was afraid of being alone. I didn't know how to be alone. That's why I was hurt. Why did I take her for granted? Because I wasnt crazily in love with her. Furthermore she was pushing me away by being jealous and insecure. I'm not justifying my actions, but I'm saying she did play a part too in pushing me away. What I'm saying now is we're incompatible. 10 years down the road I never know, we could be back together for good. But this break up has made me realized my immaturity at handling things (rebounding among many others) and showed me that I have to start communicating more with my future partners. I'm not totally a "loser" in this case because I learnt something and I gained something out of this. P.s Learn to read the whole thing before asking again (not to be rude tho, just that I've mentioned the afraid of being alone part and her jealousy as well as insecurity being an issue in my posts above) Edited September 27, 2012 by Sav
JayL Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 (edited) We have needs as human beings, do we not? Now, look at it this way... you cannot fulfill her needs and she's overfulfilling your needs, which makes you feel overwhelmed. On the other hand, she feels neglected and ignored. You are two different people wanting 2 different things. You have to realize this so that you can move on quickly. I'll use myself as an example. I was hurt, I still am. I need attention, but not a lot, just enough to make me feel that I'm with someone. On the other hand, she likes her space, her own time, do her own things, go out with friends etc. I do too, but not as much as hers. If it was her day off, she spent the entire day with friends first and spent the remaining few hours with me at night. Occasionally, she spent entire days off with me. On the other hand, I'm the opposite. I'd rather spend the majority of my day off with her and see my friends occasionally, just to keep that relationship with friends. I'd even bring her around, but she's not the type to bring me around. She has many, many, many great qualities that I know for a fact will be hard to find even if I meet a ton of women every single day. In the end of the day, her and I have different wants and expectations in a relationship and it will not work in the long run. Save yourself from the potential future trouble. Realize this and let it go now before you get hurt even more in the future and waste more time on something that was never meant to work out. Thinking this is helping me a lot, because it's true. Edited September 27, 2012 by JayL
youdunsay Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Sorry Sav wasn't being rude and yes Jay you're right. In fact I know he needs attention and endless fun but I cannot provide him because I'm concentrating on my career. Maybe some part of me still feel resentful for it not being able to work out. And yes maybe he's crazily in love with the other woman.
Recommended Posts