Coffee date last Sun, now what?

[jrhdkc]

Alright, I will try to keep this concise, I can be pretty windy..

 

My ex and I were star-crossed lovers, when we were together nothing else in the world mattered. That didn't work out so well, after a year and a half and moving in together, we really hit a wall and weren't growing personally anymore, and our relationship more or less deteriorated. She left me, an agonizing decision she struggled with for months, and I had never been so heartbroken in my life. I made many mistakes in the first few months, kinda lost it and had her worried about me.

 

Then we went NC for several months. In that time she has found a steady job and moved forward, but really hasn't had much luck finding love. I have completely changed my life, I have been reborn. I have gotten into a research lab, am about to graduate biochemistry and head to grad school for neuroscience, am far more outgoing and have realized how many wonderful people I am surrounded by.

 

About a month or so ago, I received a text from her, and we caught up. She followed up the next day with "We had it really good once," to which I responded "I know we did, I will never forget it. You will always be my [petname]. Too bad we have so much to take care of."

 

NC for another month. She texts and we chit-chat, she asks if I'm dating, and I told her I am but nothing's panned out. The next day, she asks me to have coffee with her and quickly retracts the invitation. I had flowers on the way before this conversation. She gets the flowers last week and says Thanks, but you shouldn't have. Told her I was just thinking about her. The next night I get a drunken voicemail/text wanting to see me, but I was otherwise engaged. Called her the next morning and again later, she said she couldn't talk, I said it would be really nice to have that coffee.

 

The next time I heard from her was the following night, asking me to meet her in an hour for coffee. I went, we had a great conversation, and a wonderful embrace afterwards, I almost kissed her but turned it into an awkward hair sniff, and we joked about it. I left knowing she is the love of my life. After her initial text, she said "Can I tell you a secret: I wanted you to kiss me." I said "We should take it slow this time. Lol, jk. I think we could make pretty good friends though."

 

That was Sun night. Since then, we have been texting daily, but I think I have gone a little too far--you know jumping the gun a little. I think she doesn't want to start anything b/c she thinks we (I) cannot afford to be distracted by our all-consuming love again. Maybe she's right, I have been a bit out of sorts this week. Today there was not much contact, two brief messages from her.

 

I'm still not exactly sure what her intentions are; when I was with her Sun I knew she how truly she loves me, but now I am doubting. She admitted she's a little sad and lonely and not thinking rationally, and told me to keep her far away. Could she just want the attention/affirmation, a safety net, to know she still has me wrapped around her finger?

 

I know I need to cool my jets. Truly I just want to be her friend, to start as two new people, but we don't have the time like we used to. I have not been on top of my **** the past few days, not like it's been lately. Could we have been a little to correct, this relationship is not in our best interest? How is that so, we make a team for the history books. I know neither of us are as happy or as fulfilled as when we are together, how could it be wrong?

 

What I really want to know is how to move forward, knowing that I won't live it down if I don't at least try to take advantage of this second chance. Maybe this really isn't a second chance just yet, but I don't know where I will be next year, and I don't know if she can really go that long without some perfect guy realizing what a ****ing catch she is. I don't know what the next move is.

 

I guess the plan is to bide my time a little longer. If she continues to initiate contact, see if she wants to go on a hike/picnic in the next weekend or two. But it seems as though she's backing off a bit, probably due to my openness about my feelings towards her--I've told her how great she is and much she means to me, put some heartfelt but tasteful (not desperate) lyrics on facebook, been pretty flirtatious in my messages, and, unfortunately, made a few references to good memories. Could I have already blown it?

 

Okay, after all that (sorry) here's the questions: What does she want? If you don't know, how can I find out? How can I capitalize on this opportunity to get back in touch with her? Should I call just to chit-chat after a bit if I stop hearing from her, or wait for her to make the next move at all costs? How can I mitigate the damage of more or less revealing my hand? When she says we can't, does she mean it? How much is too much, is asking for another "date" in the near future too much or absolutely necessary? Blah...it was so much simpler a couple weeks ago.

[salmagundi]

"She admitted she's a little sad and lonely and not thinking rationally, and told me to keep her far away."

 

^this...correct me if I'm misreading but it sounds here like she is giving you fair warning that she is a head case and if you pursue anything with her she won't be responsible for any heartbreak she causes. And as for her being sad and lonely, is that because she is not with you and genuine no **** misses you? Or is it that she hasn't found anyone better like she hoped she would so she is checking out the possibility of using you as a backup plan? That is not a good place for you to be, playing the role of old faithful until she finally does find the guy she is really looking for, at which point she will be gone...

 

I would be extremely reticent about pursuing anything beyond friendship with her, she sounds like she doesn't have it together and is looking for an emotional crutch to get her through hard times.

[jrhdkc]

Right, I was a bit leery of that myself. However, checking the text log shows something slightly different...

 

"Please keep your eyes on the prize. don't let me distract you. I might try despite all better judgement. Im a little lonely and a little sad these days acting from emotion and not sound reasoning. Keep me at an arms length, out. Far. For both of us."

 

As far as genuinely missing me vs backup plan, I have no ****ing idea! I wish I could tell you, when we were together I got the sense she did miss me dearly, but who knows? How can I figure that out? I'm not that great at reading these kind of situations...I think she does miss what we had though, but I'm not sure I can juggle another go with her while maintaining my newfound success which undoubtedly has her intrigued again.

[Slooop]

The reason all those bullsh*t pickup artist sites tell you basically the same thing and why NC works to bring them back is the same principle at work.

 

It's a principle you've internalized. When you say she's sensing this new found success, what she's sensing is what you've accomplished, and what you've accomplished is this:

 

You've proven to yourself that you are a worthy dude.

 

As a worthy dude, you have internalized, that in the end, no matter what happens, you are going to be alright. In fact better than alright, you're going to be great.

 

The way to handle this then, is to not put too much investment in the outcome of what happens here. You don't need to have expectations that start to spiral out of control and need satisfying. If it happens that you get back together, it happens.

 

You are going to go to graduate school in neuroscience, you have completely turned your life around, it would be great to have her as the cherry on top sure, but you don't need it. You've proven to yourself that you can survive and do great without any external input.

 

My advice would be to not spend all your time thinking about it, only allow yourself a set amount of time a day to let her occupy your thoughts and destabilize you if you must. And realize that she has that power, and to give yourself a break if you find yourself slipping.

 

She is a great girl, but you are a great guy, you made the relationship great, and there will be other great relationships. See where it goes, but not at the expense of the peace, security and sanity you've built up over the past year.

 

If you find yourself becoming too destabilized, perhaps the best medicine will be to be honest with her about that and to go NC again.

 

If you think you can handle it, keep contact with her, but remember to try and tell yourself that it's not as big a deal as you're making it seem in your head and that everything will be alright in the end no matter what happens.

 

In the end, it's only pain, mind rending, soul splitting pain, but just pain nonetheless, you came through the pain the last time and ended up a better man, you will only continue to get better as you get older and wiser as time passes.