he stopped talking to me. having shy guy problems and have no idea .

[amber33]

So I've been dating this sweet shy guy for almost two months now (we knew each other through a mutual friend for a while, but just recently started hanging out one-on-one with eachother) and things seemed to be going great. We've been going out at least once a week since we started dating and he's a true gentleman; opens every door for me, refuses to let me pay, and takes things a little slow. He's a bit of a shy guy, he didn't kiss me until our 3rd date (which isn't a problem at all, I actually like that a lot; I'm old school and into taking things slow) but we've had increasingly more passionate make out sessions ever since that date. (No sex yet, we aren't quite at that level. Again, not a problem though.)

 

Well, the Saturday before last was the last time we hung out, we stayed in, watched a movie, and cuddled/made out until 4:00 in the morning. We got a little touchy feely with each other too, which was nice. I had a really good time and from what he says, so did he. But now I am starting to wonder about where things are going. We made arrangements to hang out that following Thursday, but when Thursday came, we didn't hang out. I sent him a text in the early evening and he got back to me around 9 at night saying he was sorry he didn't get back to me, he passed out after he got home from work. (No problem, I wasn't mad at all, as I have done this many times myself) so I asked if he still wanted to hang out and he said he wasn't sure yet, then later texted me and said he was just going to go back to sleep. (Disappointing, but I was alright with it.) He asked me what I was doing the next day, Friday, and I told him that I was throwing my grandma a party, but I would get ahold of him after to see if he wanted to hang out, then we said goodnight and he said "hopefully I will see you this weekend." So Friday came and I asked him if he wanted to hang out and his response was "I'm going to a friend's for a while and I'm not sure how late I'll be but I'll let you know." He never got back to me, so I just kind of moped around that night. Then Saturday was his birthday so I sent him a Happy Birthday text and he thanked me and apologized to me and said "I'm really sorry about last night, but I just wasn't in the mood to do anything", which I understand, but I kind of question whether that means he didn't want to do anything with me, or he was just plain feeling lazy and wanted to stay in. But I just said it was alright and told him I owed him some birthday drinks and just left it at that. (He'd already mentioned he had plans of going out for his birthday, so I didn't want to intrude on his plans and just told him to let me know when he wanted to go out.)

 

That was the last time that we talked, which was 4 days ago, and we used to talk at least every other day, and being that I haven't seen him in 2 weeks now, I'm starting to get scared that maybe he just isn't into me anymore, despite the fact that he always says he had a good time after we hang out and that he said he wanted to see me this weekend (even though it didn't end up happening). I am just worrying myself now, not knowing what to do. Part of me really wants to text him and say I miss you or something, but at the same time I'm somewhat hesitant to do so,since our relationship is still fairly new, and his recent withdrawn behavior isnt helping either. I really cant stop thinking about this situation though because I'm extremely interested in him, we vibed really well and I really dont think I did anything to scare him away, but I don't know what to do or say at all at this point. I'm just trying my best to give him his space, even though I really want to talk to him and see him again soon. I just figure that if he's really into me, he will eventually contact me, and I don't want to harass him to hang out incase he doesn't really want to. But still, I am so confused and I have no idea what to do. Any thoughts/advice?

Edited September 27, 2012 by amber33

[Shaun-Dro]

So I've been dating this sweet shy guy for almost two months now (we knew each other through a mutual friend for a while, but just recently started hanging out one-on-one with eachother) and things seemed to be going great. We've been going out at least once a week since we started dating and he's a true gentleman; opens every door for me, refuses to let me pay, and takes things a little slow. He's a bit of a shy guy, he didn't kiss me until our 3rd date (which isn't a problem at all, I actually like that a lot; I'm old school and into taking things slow) but we've had increasingly more passionate make out sessions ever since that date. (No sex yet, we aren't quite at that level. Again, not a problem though.)

 

Well, the Saturday before last was the last time we hung out, we stayed in, watched a movie, and cuddled/made out until 4:00 in the morning. We got a little touchy feely with each other too, which was nice. I had a really good time and from what he says, so did he. But now I am starting to wonder about where things are going. We made arrangements to hang out that following Thursday, but when Thursday came, we didn't hang out. I sent him a text in the early evening and he got back to me around 9 at night saying he was sorry he didn't get back to me, he passed out after he got home from work. (No problem, I wasn't mad at all, as I have done this many times myself) so I asked if he still wanted to hang out and he said he wasn't sure yet, then later texted me and said he was just going to go back to sleep. (Disappointing, but I was alright with it.) He asked me what I was doing the next day, Friday, and I told him that I was throwing my grandma a party, but I would get ahold of him after to see if he wanted to hang out, then we said goodnight and he said "hopefully I will see you this weekend." So Friday came and I asked him if he wanted to hang out and his response was "I'm going to a friend's for a while and I'm not sure how late I'll be but I'll let you know." He never got back to me, so I just kind of moped around that night. Then Saturday was his birthday so I sent him a Happy Birthday text and he thanked me and apologized to me and said "I'm really sorry about last night, but I just wasn't in the mood to do anything", which I understand, but I kind of question whether that means he didn't want to do anything with me, or he was just plain feeling lazy and wanted to stay in. But I just said it was alright and told him I owed him some birthday drinks and just left it at that. (He'd already mentioned he had plans of going out for his birthday, so I didn't want to intrude on his plans and just told him to let me know when he wanted to go out.)

 

That was the last time that we talked, which was 4 days ago, and we used to talk at least every other day, and being that I haven't seen him in 2 weeks now, I'm starting to get scared that maybe he just isn't into me anymore, despite the fact that he always says he had a good time after we hang out and that he said he wanted to see me this weekend (even though it didn't end up happening). I am just worrying myself now, not knowing what to do. Part of me really wants to text him and say I miss you or something, but at the same time I'm somewhat hesitant to do so,since our relationship is still fairly new, and his recent withdrawn behavior isnt helping either. I really cant stop thinking about this situation though because I'm extremely interested in him, we vibed really well and I really dont think I did anything to scare him away, but I don't know what to do or say at all at this point. I'm just trying my best to give him his space, even though I really want to talk to him and see him again soon. I just figure that if he's really into me, he will eventually contact me, and I don't want to harass him to hang out incase he doesn't really want to. But still, I am so confused and I have no idea what to do. Any thoughts/advice?

 

Just contact him and be upfront about how you feel. No use in doing nothing since you still care for the guy and want to continue dating him.

[amber33]

Update: I did, and we hung out last week, it seemed like we both had a really good time but now he isn't contacting me again. I haven't heard from him since the last time we hung out (exactly a week ago). What should I do this time, since I initiated the last hang out after us not talking for a week, do I sit here and wait (and hope) he's going to contact me, or do I just give in and contact him again? I'm really hesitant about contacting him this time, but it's really bothering me not knowing what's going on. At the same time, I don't want to come off as super needy/clingy though, you know what I mean?

[Ninjainpajamas]

You already are coming off super clingy and needy, and like a fool basically.

 

It seems like you've let this guy sit on his hands because you want to say he is "shy"...shy or not, a guy shouldn't have to be pushed every step of the way, and a guy will take the initiative at some point...It seems like you view this guy as more disabled or shy. But honestly It's because you like the guy so much that you don't want to feel like a fool for chasing him and tell yourself that he just needs a nudge, except you keep nudging and nudging and nudging...now you're still to feel a bit foolish because he's not reciprocating.

 

But now It's part of your doing, you let this guy be passive in the relationship thinking that would cause him to take action? doesn't work that like. The only thing you should have done for this "shy" guy was initially let him know you were interested and that was it...maybe ask him out at the most, but to follow him around like a little puppy constantly harassing him and "checking in" is now ridiculous. Now you're acting "confused" because the guy never had to take any initiative and just because he enjoys spending time with you that you think he somehow is possibly really romantically interested when he just seems to be acting like he feels obligated to make plans and respond back to you.

 

Where do you draw the line? How do you tell yourself that a guy is interested in you when you have to do all the work? Why do you assume that just because a guy is taking it slow he's just restraining himself when maybe you're just a convenient person to date and someone he is comfortable with? You basically just seem to be driving this whole thing and he's just along for the ride since it's OK, and maybe he has no one else he is dating or interested in at the time.

 

Bottom line though is that things haven't seem to have gotten that far emotionally, so not that it was your intention or plan, but at least you haven't been sexing each other up and getting attached to this guy then realizing he isn't that interested in you. At least now you might be able to confront him without worrying IF you're going to scare him away or seeing how he really feels..but that's probably wishful thinking, you'll stay quiet and keep "seeing where it goes", but just realize this is how you end up getting hurt in the end...you're not doing anything to gauge or learn how he feels or is interested in with you, you're just letting it ride out trying to enjoy the moment...well just realize the moment might not last forever IF you don't start having more serious conversation and asking tougher questions, or you kind of dig your own emotional grave and roll the dice.

[InJest]

I'm guessing he got tired of making out until 4 am with no sex. Females are the only ones who are okay with doing this. I don't care how shy a guy is he's going to be frustrated after a makeout session that doesn't end in sex, if hes any older than 16. Is he older than 16?

Edited October 4, 2012 by InJest

[gullibleme]

Hate to say it...it sounds like my ex a couple months before he broke up...he was becoming interested in other girls and did the same thing to me...I think you should leave him alone and let him contact you....IF he wanted to see you HE WOULD!!

[todreaminblue]

So I've been dating this sweet shy guy for almost two months now (we knew each other through a mutual friend for a while, but just recently started hanging out one-on-one with eachother) and things seemed to be going great. We've been going out at least once a week since we started dating and he's a true gentleman; opens every door for me, refuses to let me pay, and takes things a little slow. He's a bit of a shy guy, he didn't kiss me until our 3rd date (which isn't a problem at all, I actually like that a lot; I'm old school and into taking things slow) but we've had increasingly more passionate make out sessions ever since that date. (No sex yet, we aren't quite at that level. Again, not a problem though.)

 

Well, the Saturday before last was the last time we hung out, we stayed in, watched a movie, and cuddled/made out until 4:00 in the morning. We got a little touchy feely with each other too, which was nice. I had a really good time and from what he says, so did he. But now I am starting to wonder about where things are going. We made arrangements to hang out that following Thursday, but when Thursday came, we didn't hang out. I sent him a text in the early evening and he got back to me around 9 at night saying he was sorry he didn't get back to me, he passed out after he got home from work. (No problem, I wasn't mad at all, as I have done this many times myself) so I asked if he still wanted to hang out and he said he wasn't sure yet, then later texted me and said he was just going to go back to sleep. (Disappointing, but I was alright with it.) He asked me what I was doing the next day, Friday, and I told him that I was throwing my grandma a party, but I would get ahold of him after to see if he wanted to hang out, then we said goodnight and he said "hopefully I will see you this weekend." So Friday came and I asked him if he wanted to hang out and his response was "I'm going to a friend's for a while and I'm not sure how late I'll be but I'll let you know." He never got back to me, so I just kind of moped around that night. Then Saturday was his birthday so I sent him a Happy Birthday text and he thanked me and apologized to me and said "I'm really sorry about last night, but I just wasn't in the mood to do anything", which I understand, but I kind of question whether that means he didn't want to do anything with me, or he was just plain feeling lazy and wanted to stay in. But I just said it was alright and told him I owed him some birthday drinks and just left it at that. (He'd already mentioned he had plans of going out for his birthday, so I didn't want to intrude on his plans and just told him to let me know when he wanted to go out.)

 

That was the last time that we talked, which was 4 days ago, and we used to talk at least every other day, and being that I haven't seen him in 2 weeks now, I'm starting to get scared that maybe he just isn't into me anymore, despite the fact that he always says he had a good time after we hang out and that he said he wanted to see me this weekend (even though it didn't end up happening). I am just worrying myself now, not knowing what to do. Part of me really wants to text him and say I miss you or something, but at the same time I'm somewhat hesitant to do so,since our relationship is still fairly new, and his recent withdrawn behavior isnt helping either. I really cant stop thinking about this situation though because I'm extremely interested in him, we vibed really well and I really dont think I did anything to scare him away, but I don't know what to do or say at all at this point. I'm just trying my best to give him his space, even though I really want to talk to him and see him again soon. I just figure that if he's really into me, he will eventually contact me, and I don't want to harass him to hang out incase he doesn't really want to. But still, I am so confused and I have no idea what to do. Any thoughts/advice?

 

 

You are going to have to wait for him I guess this is my advice.He knows how you feel about him so you cant keep pushing....or roll the dice .....and keep asking.......the shy guy thing is not in play you have had sessions of extreme closeness...now i dont know his mind set.....and obviously you dont either....so you have two choices.....either ask him straight up ...go kamikaze style.....seeing he has had his hands intimately all over your body.....i would think you could do this.......or you can wait again for him to contact you ...if you feel he still has shyness towards you......i would say he hasnt.....

or you can just enjoy your life, get out try not to concentrate on him let the cards fall where they fall.....try not to rely on someone else to make you feel secure...if he sees you for who you are, how much you have to give and how much you care and doesnt follow through....then it is his loss.......the only person who can make you happy in love is you and when you are happy with your worth.....so will someone else be......and this is hard to obtain..this is what you should concentrate on....nurture your heart so you can give it to someone who will appreciate it....i wish you hope and happiness in love....deb

[fortyninethousand322]

If he cares about you he'll take the initiative. Let him be the pursuer.

[amber33]

You already are coming off super clingy and needy, and like a fool basically.

 

It seems like you've let this guy sit on his hands because you want to say he is "shy"...shy or not, a guy shouldn't have to be pushed every step of the way, and a guy will take the initiative at some point...It seems like you view this guy as more disabled or shy. But honestly It's because you like the guy so much that you don't want to feel like a fool for chasing him and tell yourself that he just needs a nudge, except you keep nudging and nudging and nudging...now you're still to feel a bit foolish because he's not reciprocating.

 

But now It's part of your doing, you let this guy be passive in the relationship thinking that would cause him to take action? doesn't work that like. The only thing you should have done for this "shy" guy was initially let him know you were interested and that was it...maybe ask him out at the most, but to follow him around like a little puppy constantly harassing him and "checking in" is now ridiculous. Now you're acting "confused" because the guy never had to take any initiative and just because he enjoys spending time with you that you think he somehow is possibly really romantically interested when he just seems to be acting like he feels obligated to make plans and respond back to you.

 

Where do you draw the line? How do you tell yourself that a guy is interested in you when you have to do all the work? Why do you assume that just because a guy is taking it slow he's just restraining himself when maybe you're just a convenient person to date and someone he is comfortable with? You basically just seem to be driving this whole thing and he's just along for the ride since it's OK, and maybe he has no one else he is dating or interested in at the time.

 

Bottom line though is that things haven't seem to have gotten that far emotionally, so not that it was your intention or plan, but at least you haven't been sexing each other up and getting attached to this guy then realizing he isn't that interested in you. At least now you might be able to confront him without worrying IF you're going to scare him away or seeing how he really feels..but that's probably wishful thinking, you'll stay quiet and keep "seeing where it goes", but just realize this is how you end up getting hurt in the end...you're not doing anything to gauge or learn how he feels or is interested in with you, you're just letting it ride out trying to enjoy the moment...well just realize the moment might not last forever IF you don't start having more serious conversation and asking tougher questions, or you kind of dig your own emotional grave and roll the dice.

Wow. Well, thank you for calling me a fool. I'm sorry I even asked for anyone's advice. I'm no expert on dating and was merely looking for some input, I didn't need to be told that I'm a fool. And how is it that I'm overly needy/clingy already? I give him his space and generally don't initiate contact/hangouts first at all. He usually does. Which is why I am worried. If you've been seeing someone at least once or twice a week for almost three months and talk to them regularly, is it not a little worrying to not hear from them for over a week? Especially when things were going really well? I'm not expecting him to "check in", by any means, I don't really care where he is or what he's doing, I just don't understand the lack of communication and I'm basically just looking for some reassurance that I'm still crossing his mind every now and then and he's not completely written me off for some reason. If that makes me clingy and needy then I guess I expect too much and I don't belong in a relationship. All I was asking is if I should continue to wait for him to contact me, or to go ahead and reach out to him. Sorry that I asked for advice, I thought that's what this forum was for.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Wow. Well, thank you for calling me a fool. I'm sorry I even asked for anyone's advice. I'm no expert on dating and was merely looking for some input, I didn't need to be told that I'm a fool. And how is it that I'm overly needy/clingy already? I give him his space and generally don't initiate contact/hangouts first at all. He usually does. Which is why I am worried. If you've been seeing someone at least once or twice a week for almost three months and talk to them regularly, is it not a little worrying to not hear from them for over a week? Especially when things were going really well? I'm not expecting him to "check in", by any means, I don't really care where he is or what he's doing, I just don't understand the lack of communication and I'm basically just looking for some reassurance that I'm still crossing his mind every now and then and he's not completely written me off for some reason. If that makes me clingy and needy then I guess I expect too much and I don't belong in a relationship. All I was asking is if I should continue to wait for him to contact me, or to go ahead and reach out to him. Sorry that I asked for advice, I thought that's what this forum was for.

 

This is not about how I feel or insulting you believe it or not, so I'm sorry for offending you. I'm interpreting the way you are coming off possibly to him, based off what you are telling me and how you are describing the dating situation and scenario.

 

It seems very one-sided, it seems as though you are clearly chasing. Nothing he has done or shown you (from what I read or even see from how this is unfolding and been) has indicated any kind of commitment or future promise, you seem to be wavering either because you are highly insecure or likely, as I see in this situation...he hasn't given you any confidence or security in where you guys stand.

 

You need to realize that this is typical among men with limited interest, this is what guys do when they don't want to progress into the next level...they bide their time, they make situations distorted and amiss without being expressive and open with you. The problem is you're making excuses for him because he is shy, therefore you actually see his behavior as acceptable.

 

At least form what I know about men, is they are shy to start, but not necessarily shy to progress once they feel comfortable...In my experience some people just need more time than others, but unless the guys a hermit with absolutely no social competency or skills why you would continue to expect or even tolerate the same course of actions in his behavior? After all he's still a man, and men who are truly interested or capable of investing do not have to be chased. That's something you always have to keep in mind and remember, when It's the right person at the right time there's little fuss and confusion because both people are fulfilled and compelled by a magnetic emotion and interest level.

 

I'm not really sure what you see in this guy...but it unfortunately seems to be of your own creation. You really need to get a handle on how this guy feels for you before you progress beyond that or you're just going to be a bystander more than a participant because of your emotional level...unless he just disconnects or cuts you off completely with some excuse.

 

To me he is not acting like he has a high level of interest, but very low and moderate. And also realize a normal high communication is typical in the beginning...just because that happens doesn't mean it will result in something worthwhile, people talk, share and get to know each other....after further review I think he has determined his interest is limited, or he feels in some ways, frustrated or put-off by something you are doing that you would clearly not see, however he doesn't seem to be acting passive aggressive which would be the normal response, he instead just seems to be acting out of guilt and obligation, apologies for dropping off the radar....so I wouldn't trust this guy, not because he may not be trustworthy or a "good guy" but because he may have something else going on or not that interested. He's treated you well and for the most part normal, I wouldn't say this is a guy going above and beyond for you at all, seems pretty normal expectations for this kind of a guy...he clearly is one of the "nice guys" in terms of assertiveness and confidence.

 

Don't expect clarity from most men unless you ask for it as well...but IF you have to ask guess what? It's probably not good news!

 

I know you're really interested in this guy for whatever reason, but you've got to take a step back out of the clouds and realize what this guy has really given you and invested in you emotionally because you seem to be going your own way. You need to communicate and get answers to these big questions and stop letting him hang back.

 

Next time you see him or talk to him, don't just think because you have a great time that everything is ok now...that's the most common mistake, at month 3 you should be finding out what this guy is about, what he wants and how he feels about you and you shouldn't stop asking questions until you are fully satisfied with the answers or content with the response and feel it's genuine...or you're just going to string yourself along.

[InJest]

He's seen you twice a week for three months, you've admitted he's done all the work, and all you've done is make out. He's gone and you are going to have to not only reach out to him, but step things up. That is if he even wants to see you anymore.

[amber33]

I gave in and reached out to him last night, and I'm glad I did. I basically just let him know that I miss him but I haven't wanted to bother him the past few days since I know he's been working longer hours and I tend to keep him up late when we hang out. He responded pretty fast and reassured me that I wouldn't be bothering him at all and that he misses me too, so we made plans to hang out this weekend. Whew, sigh of relief. Now, back to the part about him doing everything and me only making out though, I think I have to clarify things a little for you. Don't get me wrong, I love sex just like anyone else does, but i also fully understand how drastically it can change a relationship, good or bad. I don't like doing it too early, and I certainly don't want the guy to have to wait so long that he goes insane either. At this point, I am comfortable enough to have sex with him, I'm not withholding sex from him in any way, I am just basically waiting for the right time for it to happen. Not going to lie, the last time we hung out, it definitely could have happened, if either of us would have initiated it. And I'm sure he knows that just as well as I do, but he is taking the time to show me that he has respect for me first. I say this in confidence because this guy truly is a gentleman and he doesn't hesitate to get a little intimate with me, it just seems he has drawn a line for himself to show he really cares first before we take that step and go all the way. I'm sure that sex really isn't too far around the corner for us, but I am comfortable either way, waiting or not. I am curious though if I should be the one to take charge and initiate it, or if I should wait for him to do it. Say we are hanging out and I decide to do the whole "kiss you all over and end up taking your pants off for something else" thing, (I know men love blow jobs, lol), but would this change his level of respect for me if I went ahead and did that, or would it relieve him a little to know I initiated it and I'm interested in going that route? Trust me, I want to have sex with this guy. Soon. I am just so out of my element with him though, because he is so drastically different from every other guy I've dated. I guess I just don't know how to handle gentlemen. lol

[InJest]

If he's shy, and he knows you like to wait, then he's probably waiting for you to make a move. You never did, and things weren't progressing so he probably just left the ball in your court. You've responded and shown interest, but as of now, it still the same weak interest you've shown all along.

[amber33]

If he's shy, and he knows you like to wait, then he's probably waiting for you to make a move. You never did, and things weren't progressing so he probably just left the ball in your court. You've responded and shown interest, but as of now, it still the same weak interest you've shown all along.

I agree, he probably is waiting for me to make a move, so I will next time I get the chance. What exactly do you mean by "weak interest" though?