Kbutterfly Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 This is a long story but I'm gonna do my best to shorten it as much as possible, so please bear with me. 11 yrs ago I meet "A." The first man I ever fell in love with. I moved from my home state to PA, with him. There he became abusive, but I didn't leave. Instead I gave birth to his son. After living in Philly 4yrs, we moved to IA so I could go to college (my mother lived there and was willing to help me out with my son, while I was in school.) The plan was always to return to VT. While in IA, A got a job which required him to be out-of-town for extended periods of time. While he was gone, the first friend I made was "M." M had a gf, and they lived together with her son in the same neighborhood I did. M and I became good friends, while his gf's child and my kid played at the park together. A quite his job and started spending a lot of time at home, he hadn't made any friends yet, so I introduced him to M. A and M became tight. But the tighter they got the harder M and I found it to talk to each other; sexual tension was growing, which made both of us fee horrible. M broke up with his gf, and moved in with A and I. M often defended me against A and his abuse. M dated many girls during this time. New Year's Eve while M was with his new gf "D," A gave me a concussion and made me feel if the relationship kept up, he would kill me. He was jealous of a "look" I gave M earlier in the day. A went to jail, M and D broke up. M moved back in with me, and you can guess it became very intimate. He made me feel like no other man ever had. He made me feel I was smart, sexy, a good mother, wifey material. Over the course of 4 years in IA, I had gotten rid of A and started a dramatic on/off relationship with commitment phobic M; and fell in love for the second time in my life. M was aggressive, manly, and never wanted to see me with anyone else, while sweet, and a good listener, liked to have fun. However, he was always back and forth between me and D. Then D became pregnant with his child. We remained best friends, and he continued his back and forth behavior. After I graduated, I set a date to move back to VT. M knew this was the plan from the start but still kept begging me not to go. I missed my family, and wanted to raise my son in VT. I also thought it would be the only way for me to be able to end the pain M inflicted on me daily with the back and forth, by never having to see him again; and M had a baby. He spent the night with me a week before the move, and promised to come say goodbye the night before I left. The day before I left for VT, M sat across the street at the neighbors house in a chair outside and watched my mother and me pack the moving truck. He never came that night. I didn't see him the next day, and left IA without ever saying goodbye, and panicking that I would never see him again. I drove to VT in tears. After being alone, and abstinent for 3yrs in VT, I had found contentment and success. Always in the back of my head hoping that one day M would look me up in the phone book or something, just so I could hear his voice one more time. My sister convinced me to start on-line dating. I meet "O," who lives in AK. An extremely sensitive, loyal, faithful poet. It lasted 6mo long distance, never meeting in person. I found him to be too sensitive, and not mature enough to be the family man I need. In addition to never making a real attempt to meet me. 4mo after breaking up with O, I get a phone call out of the blue from M. OMG. The call I've been waiting for, for over 3yrs. His voice was shaking and he admitted he was nervous to talk to me after 3yrs. He told me he now has 3 daughters, 2 with D, and 1 with his soon-to-be ex-wife "R." He told me he's been looking but can't seem to find any other women that's even in the same league as me. He said he'd made a huge mistake letting me go, and that he didn't feel he was ready for me when he meet me. He wanted to know if I was single and if I was willing to give him a chance again. He asked if I was willing to consider moving back to IA to be with him, because he couldn't leave his kids. I basically never really answered and said how much I like VT, and how good it feels to be around family. After talking for several weeks he quit his job to move to VT. While on his way here he called several times to tell me he's not ready for a relationship and didn't want sex, he planned on leaving in a month; he wanted me to be his best friend again. WTF! When he arrived, he told me D suddenly wanted him back; he seemed very confused. The first thing he did was attempt to have sex with me. In the end I gave in. It started out very romantic then turned into something cold, heartless, and unsatisfying. In the morning he said he wouldn't touch me again, because he understands that I can't sleep with someone casually, without emotion. He slept on the couch til he left never touching me again. He seemed very angry toward me. Saying things like, "I used to tell you everything, and that gave you power. I wont give you that power again." He spent his whole visit worrying about child support, work, divorce, and turning 30. We had many arguments about how he was making me feel with his distant, angry, confusing behavior. Ultimately, he left after only being here 10 days. Before he left he said, he didn't want to hurt me anymore than he already had, and that he was afraid if he stayed any longer he would start sleeping with me. He promised to call when he got to IA, and to keep in touch with me. He never called. During M's visit O started calling me again. Saying almost the same things M said, how I'm such a good women, no other women holds a candle to me, he can't believe he messed it up, he wont put up a wall anymore, and he was ready to come to VT now to see me. I was honest with O about M and what was happening and how I'm still in love with M after not seeing or hearing his voice for 3yrs, despite the 3 kids, 2 babies moms and divorce. How I regretting not being able to be just a friend to M when that was all he asked of me. And that after having days to think about it I had decided I was willing to move to IA to be with him. O has turned into one of my best friends. I'm able to talk to him about just about anything. Now weeks after M left, days before M's b-day I still haven't heard from him. I miss him so much. It seems pretty clear to me despite everything M has ever said, that his actions show he's just never really been that into me. But for some reason, I just can't let it go. O and I have gotten a lot closer, and I see many of the issues I had with him before are gone. I'm worried that without REAL closure from M, I can never move on; so I'm worried I'll pass up a rare man in O, because it's not fair to get with one man and still have feelings for another. I know the smart thing to do is forget M and maybe even O. But my heart is not trying to forget M, and my feelings for O are growing stronger and stronger. O wants to see me! I'm so confused, it's torturous. M said he left so that he wouldn't hurt me anymore, but waiting for a call that never comes, and passing up a good man for lack of closure I think is hurting me more. I just need to know how they both REALLY feel about me. Will I ever hear from M again? If I get with O, then M calls months later will I feel pulled apart or will I be able to say goodbye? The confusion and unanswered questions are so painful. I'm looking for input, especially from a male perspective, females are welcome too. Thanks for reading the whole thing!
martinhengri Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 Can't say I followed you there completely. I got to the point where she deleted you from FB and you talked to female friends. She interrupts you and "steals" your friend? And she behaves weirdly when close to you and says it's uncomfortable.when i'm close i can sense that she's close to me, i move away for see her reaction and she moves away from me too exagerated, for notice it saying "this is uncomfortable". what happen with she? still in my heart
curiouslyhuman Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 It seems like you have been on quite the roller coaster ride here with M and this is not a positive thing. The main priority here is your child, not M. I know it might be difficult for you not to want to see M and he lingers in your thoughts as the man who might be the one for you... but he is not. O seems like a decent and caring man from what you have described and would perhaps be a good father figure. Although it seems a little confusing in your text who broke up with who regarding O in the 1st instance of your relationship, you have suffered greatly when it comes to your male companionship. As a man, putting myself in the position of O, i would be weary of getting involved in a relationship with a woman who still possesses strong feelings for a seemingly confused exboyfriend who may or may not show up in the picture and fracture what could be a meaningful relationship. M seems to have captivated you for reasons only you can describe, but his track record with children and women seems fairly sketchy. You need a solid foundation for you and your child which only you can provide. His father is a physical abuser who is or was in prison, and his mother is somewhat emotionally distraught over a man who she idolizes for some unknown reason. M has 3 kids and was possessive of you, hopefully he has always treated your son right when he has seen him but he goes from woman to woman seeking gratification for himself or so i see it. You are an educated proud mother. Make sure you don't lose your self worth in an illusion from the past. Dreams are one thing, reality is quite another. If you think about what's best for your future and how you truly feel about someone who isn't committed to you... think twice, and best of luck!
Recommended Posts