The longest you have gone NC.

[blue_jay_bird]

The longest you have gone NC? I broke NC, at 3 month's. Starting up again. But, I'm the person holding NC, if he contact's me, which i wish he did, i would talk to him.. gah i miss him...

 

Can anyone give advise for passing 3 month's... cause it seems to be alot of people's cracking point.

[KatZee]

I think NC is real easy once you drill in the fact that there is no hope. I think hope is what keeps many of us here hurting. Hope that they'll reach out. Hope that they'll change their mind. Hope that they're sitting at home pining over us. Hope that they'll realize what they lost.

 

Forget it. There is no hope. They walked because they no longer wanted us. The sooner you accept this, the easier it will be to maintain NC.

 

I mean, why would you want someone who doesn't even want you? Don't you think you're worth more?

 

I've been NC with my ex since 5/8/2012. No cracks. Do I miss what we had? I miss what I thought we had. I regret wasting so much time with someone who didn't treat me right. I have ZERO desire to speak to him, ZERO desire to reach out, and honestly wouldn't care if we never spoke again.

 

He's dead to me.

[KatZee]

Do you have some sort of option clicked on your post? It said my response was being reviewed by a moderator and would take 24-48 hours to post...

 

Edit: Well this clearly posted... so I'll just rewrite what my first response said.

 

--- The sooner you realize there is no hope is the second NC will become easy for you. I think a lot of us here are holding onto hope and that's why NC is so hard. We hold hope that they will come back, that they will reach out, will regret their decision, miss us, realize what they lost... blah blah blah.

 

Forget it. There is no hope. They are gone. They left because they didn't want us.

 

I've been NC with my ex since 5/8/2012. I really wouldn't care if we never spoke again. I have zero desire to reach out to him or have any sort of interaction with him. Do I miss him? I miss what I thought we had. I regret staying with him so long, and am disappointed in myself.

 

Even though I miss what we had, I will never allow myself to be with him again. He has nothing I want. NC is a breeze for me because for me there is no hope. Hope holds you back from moving forward.

Edited September 27, 2012 by KatZee

[carhill]

In life with someone I genuinely loved? About 14 years.

 

With my exW after we decided to split up? Almost a year, until we had to communicate to process divorce filings.

 

I've found the fuller one's life is, the easier NC is to process. It's really a minor thing. In the first example, the first two years were extremely depressing, but life got better after that. Instant communication was just a pipe dream back then. No internet, a corded telephone and love letters were the norm. In many ways it was easier I guess.

[mpa]

I'm at 4 months, and even though I miss him and want him to reach out, I generally don't find it hard to not contact him. Here's the way I see it - he ended it, if he wants to fix it he will. It's up to him to contact me if/when he's ready. Sometimes it's hard to not chat him when I see he's online and I'm bored, or email him an article I see that I know he'll like. But if we were to ever reconcile because of my action, I'll always wonder if it's what he really, genuinely wants. I don't want to badger or guilt someone into being with me.

[witmadskilllz]

2 years of NC and still counting. As the dumpee, I have to fully agree with what KatZee has mentioned. You can't expect anything at this point where the dumper has acknowledged the breakup and has completely moved on however he/she chooses to. My ex who jumped into a new relationship shortly after 2 weeks of breakup, and is still in the same relationship till this day. I mean, good for her if she's found someone who's most likely given her the happiness that I couldn't. But that doesn't mean it's over for me yet right? I have a long road ahead of me without her being anywhere near my presence. And I don't look forward in any closure either, and certainly, won't plan on contacting/reaching out to her if we were the last two ****ing people on this planet.

Edited September 27, 2012 by witmadskilllz

[winstonsdreams]

Sorry guys but as the dumper i too am currently in NC TRYING to heal. She moved on very fast after 6 weeks, the break up was the hardest thing i have ever been through. Hard for me as the dumper because as much as i loved her, i just couldn't see us working at the time, long term that is. Apparently she jumps from one relationship to another, even when she gets dumped, some guy asked her out, and bang new boyfriend, apparently i am a joke to her now, a ****head so i hear. She has been with the new man 3 months, and i am picking up the pieces asking what i did to feel like ***t.

 

Seriously guys it's not always easy ending a relationship, i loved her, and still do! i certainly didn't have someone 'lined up' like everyone says dumpers do, i don't know what kind of ***t people you have all dated but i am single and will be for a while until i have recovered. I won't be initiating contact with her EVER. I am still trying to let go. 2 months NC, slowly getting there

[I'm nuts]

20 years first real girlfriend, never heard from her again, she got married. Took me years to get over her for some odd reason, now I never even think of her

 

As I'm pretty easy going I find girls always get in contact with you at some point in the future, don't put a time on it but they will

[Minka333]

2 weeks that felt like 2 years...

 

It was my fault, i apologized but he just stopped communicating. I didn't pester or badger him. I gave him space. Eventually silence spoke volumes and he wondered why i never pursued. He told me he was used to women stalking him when he gave the cold shoulder. He said he admired my strength.

 

In the 2 weeks we didn't speak i immersed myself with other things. I tried to become a better person in other ways. I diverted my loneliness and negative energy to things that are productive. I never expected he would come back. I told myself whether he comes back or not i will move on and try to live my life hoping for a better tomorrow.

[spaniard]

I'm at a little more than two months. No desire to speak to her, although a few weeks ago she broke the NC (breadcrumbs). I was nice but I ended a conversation quickly. For me it's easy to keep NC because I don't want to talk to her anymore. I'll probably never forgive her what she did to me.

[DavidLondon]

I went for a year once with no contact, after a year we started hanging around again and it was just strange. Like together but wernt so i wish i hadn't bothered.

 

I was going to speak to her a lot earlier but it just didn't feel right at the time. You need to wait until you are comfortable without them in your life before you are ready to speak to them. If you want to be with them 3 months is a good idea for them to know what they are missing if they want you back

[fallenheart]

Years. Decades.

 

Once that person is gone, they're gone forever.

 

Why would I just try to contact an ex something like 7 years after we broke up and she's happily married now?

 

Not sure I understand the question....once they're gone, NC is forever.

[Dblock10]

this is what confuses me about some people on LS.

 

you go into NC and stay strong, struggling to do so, in the hope that they will contact you..

 

..then you hope if they do contact you its going to be begging for you back, which isn't going to happen.... furthermore if they do break the nc silence its more than likely going to be just something casual and non committal, hey how are you?

 

type deal.

 

..then you say you would talk to them? in which case why go nc to start with? its not a waiting game.

 

saying that i broke nc after 2 months and then wondered what all the fuss was about. however it did take me an awful long time to understand that the way she feels about me is very different to how i feel about her. however, id only have learnt this by staying in contact and getting to where i am today.

[Calico]

Can anyone give advise for passing 3 month's... cause it seems to be alot of people's cracking point.

 

I think it's like KatZee says. If you use NC but put no deliberate effort (hard work, basically) toward shifting your thoughts and letting go, the progress you make is probably rather minimal and you just remain stuck. Still hoping, still waiting, still dwelling.

 

NC just provides a protective bubble so that you are shielded from further pain (that you would otherwise inflict on yourself), but it's like taking a shower:

 

Just sitting in the shower doesn't get you clean. First you have to really want to get clean, and then you have to turn on the water, grab the soap, soap yourself, rinse, reach for the towel, etc. Those all take effort and focus. But if all you do is sit in the shower and wait for the magic moment where suddenly you are all washed, then you'll still sit there in a year, waiting for something to happen, waiting for someone else to do something, and still pondering whether you actually want to get clean. It's similar with NC.

[spaniard]

I think it's like KatZee says. If you use NC but put no deliberate effort (hard work, basically) toward shifting your thoughts and letting go, the progress you make is probably rather minimal and you just remain stuck. Still hoping, still waiting, still dwelling.

 

NC just provides a protective bubble so that you are shielded from further pain (that you would otherwise inflict on yourself), but it's like taking a shower:

 

Just sitting in the shower doesn't get you clean. First you have to really want to get clean, and then you have to turn on the water, grab the soap, soap yourself, rinse, reach for the towel, etc. Those all take effort and focus. But if all you do is sit in the shower and wait for the magic moment where suddenly you are all washed, then you'll still sit there in a year, waiting for something to happen, waiting for someone else to do something, and still pondering whether you actually want to get clean. It's similar with NC.

 

I quote this, because this is one of the best comments I've ever read about NC. Respect, sir.

[witmadskilllz]

I am glad that my ex texted me 2 years later when I have or at least moved on 95%. The other 5% are the lonely days y'know? Valentines, fireworks, missing her bs etc. Glad I had ignored her text and not second guessed myself. So in trust, NC is the way to go. If she had texted me within a year of the breakup, I would've texted her back within a heartbeat man lol.

[Regrets58]

2 periods of about a month each,second one still running.

There has been minimal contact since end of May,not seen

her in person since end of June.

She's still in my mind a fair bit but the ache has all but gone.

Have no intention of contacting her.

Suspect she won't either as she is with someone else.

Had months of contact/breadcrumbs after BU in January,my

mind is much clearer now without contact.

[RogerWallace111]

Sometimes nc actually does make them come back, but REMEMBER that usually that's a bad thing. I went a month nc with my ex once, then she called (surprised me as I'd been pretty f*cked up to her). Things worked for 4 months after that, then she ended it. Thought that was definitely the end of ****, went nc almost three months, run into her, she begs me to hear her out, I do, she convinces me we have to give it another try. Lasts 10 days, she ends it again as it "didn't feel right". That was almost a month ago, and that final attempt gave me some serious closure. I've felt fine 95% of the time since. And definitely wouldn't take her back or respond to any contact from her at this point.

 

The common factor with both of her reconciliation attempts was that they both came on days I had felt notably content and accepting of my situation. The first time, after the month of nc, I remember lying down in bed, feeling super comfy, thinking "I'm gonna be fine" for the first time since the breakup. 5 minutes later as I'm falling asleep, in pops her text.

 

Next time, after the three months, I'd been at a party with family and friends, playing music, dancing, getting and giving all sorts of love to some of my favorite, most important people in my life. She was nowhere in my mind. Nearing the end of the night, who do I run into ? I was over her enough that I was really reluctant to even talk to her, but she cried, so I did, and I couldn't resist going home with her.

 

It's kind of like the very on point bit from the "Swingers" script, which someone even referred to on here once:

 

Rob: See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.

Mike: So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her?

Rob: Right.

Mike: Well that sucks.

Rob: Yeah, it sucks.

Mike: So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her?

Rob: Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.

Mike: What do you mean?

Rob: I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.

Mike: Well what if she comes back first?

Rob: Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.

 

 

 

^ Though "forgetting" someone is realistically almost impossible, I'd just say "accepting their absence". And the key is recognizing, when they try to come back, that you've been fine without them, and somehow having the strength to not put yourself through it again. Because it's so unlikely to work out after the initial failure (even if you milk another 6 months or year). But most people won't have that strength and will have to go through another round or two, as I did. For me though, a full 3 months of nc showed me I didn't need her, was happy single, and thus when the final shot didn't work out, it was ok. Not such a venture into bleak, unknown territory. And now I don't want her back cause I have a clear head and am seeing girls I'd much rather have. Where as it was "oneitis" before...

Edited September 27, 2012 by RogerWallace111

[beyond]

I don't stay friends with ex's so haven't broken NC with any of them.....

 

Except one. I broke NC with him after 6 years.

 

You do NC for YOU. To heal quicker, to stop more hurt.

 

However much you love your ex, love yourself more!

 

xx

[Dblock10]

nc is in a way living in denial

[Calico]

nc is in a way living in denial

 

If you use it the way you have used it for a year, yes. If you use it properly and actually put work into moving forward and WANT to let go, it's the exact opposite of denial: It's acceptance of reality.

 

If you don't want to let go, no amount of NC is going to change the situation for you. You can choose to get better now or later, that's the power you have. Playing dead (the way many people seem to use NC) means you don't want to get better now.

[Dblock10]

If you use it the way you have used it for a year, yes. If you use it properly and actually put work into moving forward and WANT to let go, it's the exact opposite of denial: It's acceptance of reality.

 

If you don't want to let go, no amount of NC is going to change the situation for you. You can choose to get better now or later, that's the power you have. Playing dead (the way many people seem to use NC) means you don't want to get better now.

 

so deleting people out of your life in all ways is acceptance of reality?

 

i can understand it in some respects, and i guess it does come down to letting go. but you can let go and not have to resort to full nc i think

[KatZee]

so deleting people out of your life in all ways is acceptance of reality?

 

i can understand it in some respects, and i guess it does come down to letting go. but you can let go and not have to resort to full nc i think

 

It's really not possible for 95% of people. You can't just turn off your feelings and go from being madly in love with the person you thought you'd spend your life with, to "hey i'm your new buddy! i wish you all the best with your new girlfriend!"

 

It's not denial. It's called protecting yourself from further pain and removing yourself from hurtful situations.

 

The reality is that the person you love, does not love you. They don't want to be with you. They want to date other people. Who the hell wants to be around to watch that happen? Would you want to sit on the sidelines watching an ex you love more than anything make out with her new boyfriend, watch their relationship progress to an engagement? A marriage?

 

F that noise.

 

Reality is that the ex is no longer part of your life. You no longer have any say in what they do, who they see. You don't have the privilege of seeing them whenever you want, hugging them, kissing him.

 

You can't cling to the past and hope to move forward. that's not how life works. THAT is denial.

[Calico]

so deleting people out of your life in all ways is acceptance of reality?

 

You don't delete people from your life. You leave people be who don't want you in their lives, at least not in the capacity that you desire.

 

Let me illustrate this:

 

Let's say you have a small grocery store in your neighbourhood. You really like strawberry flavoured slushies, they make you happy and brighten even the bad days, but the store owner decides to no longer stock them. He used to, but for one reason or another that is outside of your control he now no longer wants to offer them. He still sells lemon flavoured slushies, but those don't agree with you and make you sick.

 

So, what do you do?

 

Do you keep going there and demand strawberry slushies, hoping that if you nag long enough and display your interest in strawberry slushies, he'll stock them again, even though he does not want to sell them? Do you then just buy the lemon slushies and deal with the stomach cramps, thinking that this is better than no slushies at all?

 

Or do you acknowledge and accept that your needs are not compatible with the shop owner's desires and make the deliberate decision to go and look for a store that is selling strawberry slushies?

 

Looking for a shop that offers strawberry slushies is what NC is. Getting yourself sick with lemon slushies is what denial is.

Edited September 27, 2012 by Calico

[beyond]

It's really not possible for 95% of people. You can't just turn off your feelings and go from being madly in love with the person you thought you'd spend your life with, to "hey i'm your new buddy! i wish you all the best with your new girlfriend!"

 

It's not denial. It's called protecting yourself from further pain and removing yourself from hurtful situations.

 

The reality is that the person you love, does not love you. They don't want to be with you. They want to date other people. Who the hell wants to be around to watch that happen? Would you want to sit on the sidelines watching an ex you love more than anything make out with her new boyfriend, watch their relationship progress to an engagement? A marriage?

 

F that noise.

 

Reality is that the ex is no longer part of your life. You no longer have any say in what they do, who they see. You don't have the privilege of seeing them whenever you want, hugging them, kissing him.

 

You can't cling to the past and hope to move forward. that's not how life works. THAT is denial.

 

So so true Katzee.

 

Why don't people get this?????

 

It doesn't mean we all don't slip up from time to time or feel like going back into the fire just one more time, but there comes a time when you just have to accept reality and have to protect yourself.