SpiralOut Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 Nobody new, anyway. There are a few people in my life that I trust, that I've known for years. Anyone new, I feel wary of. I've been putting myself in positions to meet new people, and yes I'm meeting people but it's not really turning into anything. I am still awkward and quiet. I can tell that certain people like me, and they are kind to me so far, but for some reason I can't reach out. It's like I'm afraid they'll go cold on me if I reach out, or maybe they'll abuse the trust I give them. It's frustrating, since the people I feel a closeness to don't live anywhere near me. If I were closer to them, I think that it would help me to regain the ability to trust. As it stands, I'm alone, and just afraid of getting hurt again. I see now that something has to change. I need to take some sort of step but I don't know what. I've received comments from people that they like me when I'm opened up and being myself. So why am I so afraid, and why is it so hard for me to do that?
Minka333 Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 I also have major trust issues like you. But life is a gamble, if you don't take risks then you might get stuck into emptiness not knowing the great things that lays ahead. It is ok to get hurt, stumble..at least you learn something rather than be in a perpetually safe zone that feels meaningless and monotonous.
mtnbiker Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 Just a guess, but I'm betting you were burned before and maybe many times. I recently started seeing a psychologist for my bit of low self esteem and trust issues. It is already starting to help! Just a thought. As was said above, it is better to feel hurt than not to feel at all. 1
LuckyLady13 Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 I also have major trust issues like you. But life is a gamble, if you don't take risks then you might get stuck into emptiness not knowing the great things that lays ahead. It is ok to get hurt, stumble..at least you learn something rather than be in a perpetually safe zone that feels meaningless and monotonous. This is almost exactly word for word what I was going to say. You can work so hard on being able to trust people or just realize that there's a lot of people you can't trust and take it on the chin when you run into those people. Just keep moving forward. Eventually, here and there you'll find people along your bumpy travels who are totally trustworthy. And even then, sometimes after years of knowing someone, they can change and betray you so enjoy the time you have when things are good. 1
Eddie Edirol Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 (edited) I think your problem is that you think you have to trust people right away. You dont. You let them prove themselves to you, the way they are supposed to. You take all newcomers with a grain of salt until they prove their worth and substance naturally. No need to waste mental energy. It takes a long time to trust people, especially people you date and theres nothing wrong with being cynical. People are always guilty until proven otherwise, you see it all over this board. If you live like that, you can still be happy and not afraid to jump in because you would have done your due research on the person first. I make sure people offer me things before I do anything for them, and usually its tit for tat after that. ive been taken advantage of alot when I was younger, and it help me recognize how people behave when they are just takers and not givers. All you have to do is make sure your behavior is A+ so you dont have to worry that youre doing things to kill peoples attraction to you. Edited September 27, 2012 by Eddie Edirol 1
Brooklynkid Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 It takes a long time to trust people, especially people you date and theres nothing wrong with being cynical. /QUOTE] How are we supposed to do that in this day and age when there are so many expectations? I'm a woman who no longer dates because men expect you to put out by the 3rd. or 4th. date. I won't sleep with anyone until I get to know them, which takes more than a few 1 or 2 hour sessions. Nor will I be intimate with someone until I know that it's exclussive. Forget about even asking for a commitment first - that seems to have gone out with the sexual revolution. So how are we supposed to take the time to develop trust when time is something that is not allotted to us anymore? I have a friend who was robbed by someone she knew for several years and regarded as a friend. She didn't even know she was robbed at first until she received her bank statement and saw that her funds had been all but emptied out and that there were a lot of checks drawn on her account. This friend, who my friend was kind enough to let her stay with her while she was down on her luck, found her checkbook and took checks from the back of the book, then proceeded to write them out and cash them. Talk about being betrayed by someone you trusted! My friend had no choice but to turn her 'friend' into the police. Another friend, a guy, live in girlfriend, who he was with almost 20 years found upon their final break-up that she had gotten 30K of credit under his name without his knowledge and left him holding the bag. Unfortunately, this is not such an anomaly today and friends are not the only people guilty of this type of crime anymore. Family members are usually the number one culprit of identity fraud and theft of other members of their own family. It's sad to say but maybe the original poster is right not to trust anyone anymore, if for no other reason than self-preservation.
Author SpiralOut Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 (edited) I also have major trust issues like you. But life is a gamble, if you don't take risks then you might get stuck into emptiness not knowing the great things that lays ahead. It is ok to get hurt, stumble..at least you learn something rather than be in a perpetually safe zone that feels meaningless and monotonous. Thanks. I agree with you. I guess I just don't know what to do to get myself unstuck. I've been confessing some things to my older friends, so that counts, right? Even though we used to be so close I'm afraid of them judging me. But if I want to re-establish the friendships, I need to open up and be more honest about some things. It's so hard. I can't believe I'm having trouble trusting these people to not judge me when they've never done anything to make me distrust them. Just a guess, but I'm betting you were burned before and maybe many times. I recently started seeing a psychologist for my bit of low self esteem and trust issues. It is already starting to help! Just a thought. As was said above, it is better to feel hurt than not to feel at all. Yeah I've been burned enough times now. I was seeing a counsellor, then decided she was the wrong counsellor for me. So maybe I will try to find someone else. I don't know. This is almost exactly word for word what I was going to say. You can work so hard on being able to trust people or just realize that there's a lot of people you can't trust and take it on the chin when you run into those people. Just keep moving forward. Eventually, here and there you'll find people along your bumpy travels who are totally trustworthy. And even then, sometimes after years of knowing someone, they can change and betray you so enjoy the time you have when things are good. Right. It's not just about being able to trust people, it's knowing WHO to trust, since most people are untrustworthy. Maybe I am just not trusting my own judgement. I think your problem is that you think you have to trust people right away. You dont. You let them prove themselves to you, the way they are supposed to. You take all newcomers with a grain of salt until they prove their worth and substance naturally. No need to waste mental energy. It takes a long time to trust people, especially people you date and theres nothing wrong with being cynical. People are always guilty until proven otherwise, you see it all over this board. If you live like that, you can still be happy and not afraid to jump in because you would have done your due research on the person first. I make sure people offer me things before I do anything for them, and usually its tit for tat after that. ive been taken advantage of alot when I was younger, and it help me recognize how people behave when they are just takers and not givers. All you have to do is make sure your behavior is A+ so you dont have to worry that youre doing things to kill peoples attraction to you. Thank you. Yeah I know I don't have to give trust right away. Sometimes I wonder though if I am taking TOO long to give it. Like is it abnormal for me to take over a year to trust someone. And I mean, I can't even act in a normal way. I have trouble making conversation sometimes, making eye contact, stuff like that. It's like I have this stiff uncomfortable feeling like I am being judged. Then I know that I'm coming across weird, which makes me feel more judged, then I worry about what they say about me when I'm not around. It seems like private people are misunderstood. Or at least, I feel misunderstood, and really don't feel like dealing with certain comments. So it's almost easier to keep myself apart from everyone so they don't hurt me. Some people interpret that as me being snobby or self-absorbed. And in a way I do feel self-absorbed since all I can think of is me and how I feel. I mean I don't do anything to hurt people's feelings, except for the way in which I hold myself back. It frustrates them, I know it does. It's sad to say but maybe the original poster is right not to trust anyone anymore, if for no other reason than self-preservation. I'm sorry for what happened to your friend. That blows. I don't agree though that we shouldn't trust anyone. It gets lonely after a while. Edited September 28, 2012 by SpiralOut
Eddie Edirol Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 How are we supposed to do that in this day and age when there are so many expectations? I'm a woman who no longer dates because men expect you to put out by the 3rd. or 4th. date. I won't sleep with anyone until I get to know them, which takes more than a few 1 or 2 hour sessions. Nor will I be intimate with someone until I know that it's exclussive. Forget about even asking for a commitment first - that seems to have gone out with the sexual revolution. So how are we supposed to take the time to develop trust when time is something that is not allotted to us anymore? Well if you are dating guys that just want sex so soon, you are picking the wrong guys. Thats a people picker issue, you might have to adjust your criteria for dates. That doesnt seem to be too much of an issue for musch of the women dating on here, they can at least whittle the pack down to 2 guys that take them seriously. I have a friend who was robbed by someone she knew for several years and regarded as a friend. She didn't even know she was robbed at first until she received her bank statement and saw that her funds had been all but emptied out and that there were a lot of checks drawn on her account. This friend, who my friend was kind enough to let her stay with her while she was down on her luck, found her checkbook and took checks from the back of the book, then proceeded to write them out and cash them. Talk about being betrayed by someone you trusted! My friend had no choice but to turn her 'friend' into the police. Another friend, a guy, live in girlfriend, who he was with almost 20 years found upon their final break-up that she had gotten 30K of credit under his name without his knowledge and left him holding the bag. Unfortunately, this is not such an anomaly today and friends are not the only people guilty of this type of crime anymore. Family members are usually the number one culprit of identity fraud and theft of other members of their own family. It's sad to say but maybe the original poster is right not to trust anyone anymore, if for no other reason than self-preservation. As far as your friends go, they let themselves get blindsighted. Alot of people that are dating on this board are constantly turning a blind eye to obvious red flags. You have to really let your guard down to overlook a thief thats right under your nose. You NEVER let as roommate get into your private stuff. As for living with a woman 20 years that built up debt in your friends name, I suppose she broke up with him? He ignored obvious red flags. No one can rack up that much debt completely under the radar. It's like I have this stiff uncomfortable feeling like I am being judged. Then I know that I'm coming across weird, which makes me feel more judged, then I worry about what they say about me when I'm not around. It seems like private people are misunderstood. Or at least, I feel misunderstood, and really don't feel like dealing with certain comments. So it's almost easier to keep myself apart from everyone so they don't hurt me. Some people interpret that as me being snobby or self-absorbed. See thats where you are using unnecessary mental energy. You shouldnt care if people are judging you or not. You shouldnt be worried about what they might say if its not to your face. If you are acting the way you want to, then it doesnt matter what judgements other people make about you. if you arent acting the way you want, then make the improvements already! People will always judge you. If you are better than them, they will judge you to disparage you in their minds to make themselves feel better. If anyone is too chicken to tell you about you to your face, then thats their character flaw, not yours.
Author SpiralOut Posted September 29, 2012 Author Posted September 29, 2012 (edited) See thats where you are using unnecessary mental energy. You shouldnt care if people are judging you or not. You shouldnt be worried about what they might say if its not to your face. If you are acting the way you want to, then it doesnt matter what judgements other people make about you. if you arent acting the way you want, then make the improvements already! People will always judge you. If you are better than them, they will judge you to disparage you in their minds to make themselves feel better. If anyone is too chicken to tell you about you to your face, then thats their character flaw, not yours. This is true. And I've known all along it is true. I want to make the improvements, I just can't seem to take the leap needed. You are right that people will disparage me in their minds, if they think I am better than them. That's what I have been struggling with for the past few months. I feel as though so many people treat me as incompetent or stupid when I'm not, and frankly, I can't think of any reason for why they would think that about me. But other people treat me respectfully and like talking to me, so it must be them just belittling me to make themselves feel better. I can deal with that on the outside. On the inside, emotionally, it's harder to deal with. Most of my life I've felt as though I need to downplay my positive traits or talents so people don't get upset and give me a hard time about it. I think my next step is to explain to some old friends what has been going on with me. I know they want to know. I've been keeping my distance but that's not working anymore. I told them a little bit, but not much. I'll have to tell them more. I keep thinking about how to word things. How do I explain to them how messed up I have been for the past few years? It really upsets me to think about it. Not sure if this is relevant, but I have no problem trusting guys. Men hardly ever fool me - if I stay with a jerk, it's because I ignore my instincts not because I trust him. It's people in general I can't trust, like friendships. Sigh. Edited September 29, 2012 by SpiralOut
todreaminblue Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 Nobody new, anyway. There are a few people in my life that I trust, that I've known for years. Anyone new, I feel wary of. I've been putting myself in positions to meet new people, and yes I'm meeting people but it's not really turning into anything. I am still awkward and quiet. I can tell that certain people like me, and they are kind to me so far, but for some reason I can't reach out. It's like I'm afraid they'll go cold on me if I reach out, or maybe they'll abuse the trust I give them. It's frustrating, since the people I feel a closeness to don't live anywhere near me. If I were closer to them, I think that it would help me to regain the ability to trust. As it stands, I'm alone, and just afraid of getting hurt again. I see now that something has to change. I need to take some sort of step but I don't know what. I've received comments from people that they like me when I'm opened up and being myself. So why am I so afraid, and why is it so hard for me to do that? I get frustrated with myself for this,My wariness is survival instinct i have been initiated one too many times...I fight my natural desire to be open because i am actually extremely affectionate with those who have entered my barriers...now i sound like a dog......but i am an affectionate person.....i have gone through a lot of collateral damage....kamikazes get that....doesn't stop me being a kamikaze though, the affectionate side always wins....that's the kamikaze in me..so sometimes it doesnt matter if you get damaged better than living in a bubble ...its stepping outside the bubble thats the hardest once you do though you cant go back to the bubble....just isnt satisfying.....deb 2
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