Author Silly_Girl Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 It is, and in an ideal world, the way to decide which is more difficult is to step into each other's shoes as much as possible. In the more high-need years of parenting, my H was always a little relieved to "escape" to work on Monday morning! Whenever he would complain about work, I'd ask if he wanted to switch roles, and he always said "no way." But then I'd say that's fine with me, because I'd miss my babies all day. For couples where one has one role and one has the other, the best thing to do is appreciate each other for the job he or she does, rather than debating who has it better. This is so true, and some friends of mine say exactly that, neither could (nor would want to) swap and they're each proud of how the other does in their chosen role. It's lovely to see and I wish more couples could reach that point.
GorillaTheater Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 I think it depends on your situation. My wife's a stay-at-home mom, and we have two teenagers and 4 kids 11 and younger at the house. There have been occasions when I've had to take care of them for up to a week at a time. Frankly, it's less work to try a lawsuit. So, my hat's definitely off to her. 2
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 I think it depends on your situation. My wife's a stay-at-home mom, and we have two teenagers and 4 kids 11 and younger at the house. There have been occasions when I've had to take care of them for up to a week at a time. Frankly, it's less work to try a lawsuit. So, my hat's definitely off to her. Wow!! I don't think you'd find anyone willing to apply for that role
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 Now why in the world would it? It just appeared, from reading the opening post, that the gal in question was being villified as someone who was being a lazy stay at home mom who was making her job seem more than it was, with you citing examples and all, and it just seemed mean spirited to me. I had no clue why it might touch a nerve, it's just what I thought from your post, as if I was making a point just by asking the question. She is definitely not lazy so if I portrayed her as such it's on me. She has not worked a job for 15 years and that was a 'fun first job' and not challenging such as the position her husband is in. I think she gets a lot more help than many SAHPs I know, but I'm not sure she appreciates that. I identify more with her husband on this particular subject, so I was keen to hear from all points of view.
xxoo Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 She is definitely not lazy so if I portrayed her as such it's on me. She has not worked a job for 15 years and that was a 'fun first job' and not challenging such as the position her husband is in. I think she gets a lot more help than many SAHPs I know, but I'm not sure she appreciates that. I identify more with her husband on this particular subject, so I was keen to hear from all points of view. Do we know exactly what the husband's complaint is?
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 Do we know exactly what the husband's complaint is? It's not 'his complaint' as such. He doesn't expect anything more than she does. I get the impression she has the complaint that he has it easier and doesn't appreciate that her job is as tough and worthy as his. I think he complains of tiredness when he's had overtime and she feels unappreciated. I suspect she has an inferiority complex about the situation and that culminates in her making things worse for herself.
Els Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 In my experience it *is* a talking point for couple where one clearly has one role and one has the other. And their friends and interested parties who want to understand whether/how it works Just my personal opinion, but I'm worried about the relationship dynamic of a couple who constantly talk and disagree about which one of them 'has it easier' (this is my impression from your OP, but correct me if I'm wrong). It would be reflective of resentment on the behalf of one party or the other if they are always in disagreement about that. 1
carhill Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 My mom used to say that being a full time parent (they didn't use terms like SAHM back then) is the most difficult and rewarding job one will never get paid for. She had a career before making the switch to being a full-time mother at 37. Wise words, IMO. 3
threebyfate Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 One child is nothing, particularly if you have help even while working at home full time. Two children is another thing, particularly when both are in diapers, even with help. Sleep deprivation isn't fun and imagining months more of this isn't helping. Give me a full-time, at the office job any day of the week. It's easier to run companies, handling nine figures daily than two little ones.
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 Just my personal opinion, but I'm worried about the relationship dynamic of a couple who constantly talk and disagree about which one of them 'has it easier' (this is my impression from your OP, but correct me if I'm wrong). It would be reflective of resentment on the behalf of one party or the other if they are always in disagreement about that. Definitely it can't be good. I think this raises its head every few months, but other families I know are totally cool and really revel in their roles. I wish my friend could be at peace with her situation.
KraftDinner Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 I hate it when people say SAHMs should be paid. Who would pay you? Yourself! You're doing the work for yourself. Bringing kids into the world does not benefit society as a whole. It benefits yourself. And if their husbands are supporting them, they ARE being paid. I have no doubt being a parent can be VERY hard and demanding and exhausting. But it is a relationship. Not a job. A job brings value to someone else. 1
KraftDinner Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 One last thing. As far as being a parent being the hardest job in the world, I call BS. Not everyone can be president/a surgeon/a rocket scientist/ an air traffic controller/ a movie star. But any idiot can be a parent. I'm not saying all parents are idiots! Not at all! But many are. Let's face it. 2
sb129 Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 One last thing. As far as being a parent being the hardest job in the world, I call BS. Not everyone can be president/a surgeon/a rocket scientist/ an air traffic controller/ a movie star. But any idiot can be a parent. I'm not saying all parents are idiots! Not at all! But many are. Let's face it. Any idiot an be a parent. But are they good parents? Being a bad parent is probably really easy- its being a good one thats challenging. Especially with all the pressures from both ourselves and todays society that we feed our kids right, give them enough challenging yet educational activities, not resort to too much screen time, make sure they get enough exercise, don't yell or hit them, don't over indulge, teach them good manners and how to play nice etc etc etc. I'm a dentist- it took me 5 years to train, and its a very methodical kind of profession. I get constructive feedback about how good I am on a regular basis and its easy to measure performance- (no complaints, and I get paid) Being a mum has been a learning on the job experience and I never know whether I'm doing a good enough job or not. I constantly worry about whether I am giving my daughter enough time/ attention. Shes happy and healthy, but sometimes thats not enough to feel truly comfortable that youre doing OK. Also, with my job, most of the time, I come home and stop thinking about it- with parenting you are emotionally invested 24-7 and that can be tiring in itself. Of course, I care about being a good parent. Not all parents think about things the way I do.. 1
xxoo Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Being a bad parent is probably really easy- its being a good one thats challenging. Any idiot can be a parent (n.), but it takes much more to parent (v.) in my mind. Not everyone who has a child actually parents. 3
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 29, 2012 Author Posted September 29, 2012 I think I have it. Shades of grey... Being a 'Jeremy Kyle' hands-off parent is way less demanding than, say, the job I was doing at 75hrs a week and corporate bullying a-plenty. Being a robust, responsible parent, particularly if your kids have additional challenges is way more demanding than a quiet clock on-clock off job that you leave at your desk at 5pm. And in between there's a whole raft of scenarios that any one of us who replied would have in our heads and none of us are comparing the same situation. 1
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