Is parenting as demanding as a career/job?

[Silly_Girl]

My friend last night said "I had an argument with my husband last night. He doesn't see how busy I am. It's a full-time job being a mum and we should be paid the rate of childminders then people would appreciate us".

 

Whilst out at dinner she also said:

 

"When X and I went shopping yesterday, we stopped for lunch with the kids and..."

 

"I didn't want [baby] to sleep so early, I normally cuddle him for an hour and watch the lunchtime news whilst he sleeps"

 

"I had been busy so I had hubby take all the kids out for the day Saturday so I could get all the housework done that I hadn't managed in the week"

 

From my point of view I have had a lot of experience as mum, full-time employee, evening studier, and managing a house, simultaneously at times.

 

I find it hard to believe that being a full-time parent is as exhausting/draining as being a full-time employee and part-time parent, or other scenarios. I think you have choices as a SAHP (stay at home parent). You have some autonomy over your actions and schedule that full-time employees don't have the benefit of. Your deadlines are usually your own and not pressed upon you by a bullying boss...

 

Really interested in hearing others' views.

[eleanorrigby]

It can definitely be as physically hard as an outside job. One day I decided to clean the entire house top to bottom and did it. Then I was bed-ridden for 3 days .

 

Parenting is the hardest job in the world though mentally for me. Nothing compares to that.

 

Luckily, you are right, I do get to schedule my own hours and if I need a siesta, I can take one. I looooovvvvveeeeeeee working from home. I frigging love it love it. I'm blessed and I know it, clapping my hands.

 

I'm speaking from the perspective of a parent whose children have moved out though, when they were little my schedule was pretty much up to them, and the work was non-stop and very exhausting. I didn't keep up with it well.

[beenburned]

Silly girl,

 

I found that when juggling a career and children, something has to give! As there are just not enough hours in day to do everything that needs to be done. I found it terribly exhausting, but the pay was good and the benefits will fund my retirement.(401K and pension)

 

As much as I loved my career, I would not take anything for my early years as a SAHM with my babies. It was so rewarding emotionally!

[Ursa]

This depends largely on the age and individual personalities/challenges of the children. Nobody's schedule is down to their own preferences and choices with young children, in my experience---and some kids require loads more energy, both mental and physical, than others.

[seren]

Our son is now an adult and doesn't live at home, but I remember being a SAHM for the first few years, my day was so full of doing things with my son, teaching him to talk, walk, playing, caring and then H coming home to a clean home, no chores for him and me finally sitting down in the evening after cooking dinner, washing up, and being menatlly brain dead and physically knackered.

 

When I ask my son what he remembers about growing up, he remembers the things we did together, not the money we had or the things he had, but our time together. That has value. If you (general) can afford to be a SAHP then I do think it is beneficial for the child, but not many can these days, so we all do the best we can.

 

My career was very rewarding, both financially and was mentally rewarding, I got a buzz from working, a very different feeling from being at home all day. I got more out of it than my son. Physically I was more tired being at home all day. When I was medically retired and it was just me and H, he loved it, he loves coming home for a prepared lunch, cooked meals, no chores, we are almost £85k down by my not being able to work, but he loves it, I miss work.

 

I think it depends on the demands, my H would love to be at home as a househusband, he would be far better than me, if we had young children this is probably what we would do. Staying at home can be as demanding as going out to work, it's just viewed differently by some. I can think of no more important job than raising a child. I viewed being a SAHP as my job, both demanding in different ways.

[Silly_Girl]

It's weird, I swear I've had the best of both worlds. So although doing it 'all' was exhausting, my brain loved that I would go and rise to challenges and meet deadlines at work, and my heart loved that all my spare time was being a mum.

 

I have known severe stress at work, culminating in panic attacks and depression. I can't see any way that could come about if I were a full-time parent.

 

The friend I referred to... her H's company are a local employer who have been struggling for over 10yrs with management buyouts and refinance packages, and every time the business 'stays alive' there's more pressure on him to deliver the same with less staff.

 

Being a parent is the most important job in the world, I feel passionately about that, but because it's so full of joy and so rewarding I guess it's hard for me to consider it comparable when we discuss how demanding it is. That's not to say I'm right.

[xxoo]

"I didn't want [baby] to sleep so early, I normally cuddle him for an hour and watch the lunchtime news whilst he sleeps"

 

Just reading this line made my blood pressure spike. After many years of being home with kids, it could be torturous to lay with a needy child one more minute. Especially if laying with that child meant that I wasn't getting other things done--often including eating and peeing.

 

When I go to work, I have breaks. I eat my lunch in peace. I do work that is challenging and rewarding, and I talk to colleagues.

 

I've enjoyed my years at home with my children, and wouldn't trade that time for anything. But those years were not clearly easier to me than working and parenting. They were easier in some ways, and more difficult in others.

 

Also, as a SAHM, I often felt the need for a break. I needed time to myself, time away from the house and kids.

 

As a working mom, I don't feel that need as much. I look forward to spending time with my kids on my time off from work.

[sb129]

"When X and I went shopping yesterday, we stopped for lunch with the kids and..."

 

"I didn't want [baby] to sleep so early, I normally cuddle him for an hour and watch the lunchtime news whilst he sleeps"

 

"I had been busy so I had hubby take all the kids out for the day Saturday so I could get all the housework done that I hadn't managed in the week"

.

 

I can sort of see her point- I would rather shop and eat out without kids to be honest, and I would also rather watch TV alone!

 

Also, I think after a week of being home with the kids full time I'd be needing a break by Saturday too. And not to do housework!

 

There are some things that are just hard to do when there are kids around.

 

I am a working mum, and I do find it hard to juggle everything- sometimes I think if I was at home all the time I would be able to spend more time just hanging out with my daughter, but then if I didn't work we wouldn't be able to afford a cleaner etc so more of my time would be spent doing chores.

 

Just reading this line made my blood pressure spike. After many years of being home with kids, it could be torturous to lay with a needy child one more minute. Especially if laying with that child meant that I wasn't getting other things done--often including eating and peeing.

 

When I go to work, I have breaks. I eat my lunch in peace. I do work that is challenging and rewarding, and I talk to colleagues.

 

I've enjoyed my years at home with my children, and wouldn't trade that time for anything. But those years were not clearly easier to me than working and parenting. They were easier in some ways, and more difficult in others.

 

Also, as a SAHM, I often felt the need for a break. I needed time to myself, time away from the house and kids.

 

As a working mom, I don't feel that need as much. I look forward to spending time with my kids on my time off from work.

 

I agree with this. Sometimes I look forward to going to work, because it is a break- its a different kind of work.

 

I'm not cut out to be a SAHM full time, I love my daughter to bits, but I like having some time to remain "me" rather than "Mummy".

[sb129]

Parenting can be demanding and thankless- at least with a "job" you get paid.

 

Its also 24-7. Not many paid jobs are that constant and demanding.

[2sure]

I stayed home with my daughter until I realized it was easier emotionally and physically on me to go back to work.

[Silly_Girl]

Yeah, I've definitely had it easy as a parent, plus I only had one. But really I was thinking of my friend and her husband and his shifts and then he comes home, takes baby, does things with her children too. She gets to hang out with friends who have kids, they sometimes take it in turns to have each others' kids... That just seems so much more civilised than being out of the house 60 hours a week and not being able to speak to friends, or get to the bank, or pop to the shops etc etc.

 

I have a friend who at one point had 1 in reception and 3 not yet at school, that sounded like damned hard work to me and not something I could have done.

[Silly_Girl]

Also, I'm probably not comparing the average job. I'm comparing the jobs I've had, and that's not the norm at all so doesn't help with perspective...

[cocorico]

I think it's horses for courses. For some people staying home and being supported is the soft option, but for others it's hell on earth.

 

I construct my identity around my achievements rather than around my relationships, so it was very difficult for me. I stayed home with my son for about a year after his birth. There was no statutory maternity leave at that time and although my organisation did allow six weeks maternity leave, I had not been there long enough to qualify, so I had to resign (it was not a planned pregnancy). The in-laws were heavy on full-time mothering in the early years (she had not worked since M) and since my then-H earned enough he happily bought into the idea of me doing that. And I tried, honestly... But I hated every second.

 

Th claustrophobic space shrunk down to the smell of wet nappies and baby sick, the mind-numbing tedium of breast feeding, burping, changing nappies, washing nappies, ironing nappies... The highlight of my day was pushing the pram down to the local newsagent to buy the newspaper, my one link to the outside world, and the purchase transaction was the only adult conversation I'd have the entire day until then-H arrived home.

 

And I'd be eager to discuss what I'd read about in the paper, but he'd be all talked out on that having read it on the train in to work and dissected it over tea breaks with colleagues. He'd want to talk about how unreasonable Brett was to want an article in Annals when they hadn't yet finished analyising the comparative data or how difficult the funders were being changing the reporting requirements at this stage and I knew better than to offer an opinion because it wasn't discussion he wanted but agreement, after all I was the parasite and should know my place i the hierarchy. It was depressing, isolating, soul destroying. I could not paint, write or even read because to lose myself in an absorbing activity would deafen me to the potential cries of the helpless infant depending on,me for everything. And the cries, oh god the cries... How do you fix something when you don't know what it is, when you've tried everything and nothing has worked and the crying just goes on and on....

 

Meeting friends was impossible, struggling on and off buses with prams and nappy bags to rush for a quick sandwich during their lunch break which they would often have to reschedule as something came up or cut short because of a deadline and you knew deep inside that you were just leeching off their energy anyway, what did you have to contribute but an example of why abortion ought to be legalised? Every last shred of my self esteem seeped away during that time and I knew I had to escape before the abyss sucked me in entirely.

 

So I found a job. Part-time, to appease the in-laws, but it was something. I found a local crèche where he'd receive professional, engaged, interested care far better than a mere amateur like myself could provide. I started studying part-time for a postgrad degree. I joined loads of organisations and threw myself into voluntary work. I took back my life and never looked back.

 

I've seen others handle it completely differently though, breezing through and grumbling when they had to return to work, or giving up careers as neurosurgeons or human rights lawyers to coo and cuddle all day and trade their smart clothes for grungy track suits. They love it, thrive on it, happily trill on about how much more satisfying it is.... But I just don't see it. I could not do it and stand in awe of those who can

[Got it]

I think the hardest is having kids and having a career. That is a lot of balls in the air especially if you don't have help.

[Silly_Girl]

I think the hardest is having kids and having a career. That is a lot of balls in the air especially if you don't have help.

 

For me, I don't think so. I got the buzz of a career and the achievements that came with that, and then went home excited to step instantaneously in to the role of mum. I missed him so much when I was at work. Saturday and Sunday could be ridiculously action-packed and focused on he and I, because on Monday morning I'd don suit and heels and go off and do something else. Having the both is demanding physically but I don't think it is the equivalent emotional/psychological drain of doing the one or the other over and over without a break.

 

I remember in the worst work times, I would cry the whole drive home from work, wonder how I could return there and keep my sanity, it made me physically unwell, yet I'd walk through the door desperate to get on with some fun (even cooking dinner with him).

[Got it]

For me, I don't think so. I got the buzz of a career and the achievements that came with that, and then went home excited to step instantaneously in to the role of mum. I missed him so much when I was at work. Saturday and Sunday could be ridiculously action-packed and focused on he and I, because on Monday morning I'd don suit and heels and go off and do something else. Having the both is demanding physically but I don't think it is the equivalent emotional/psychological drain of doing the one or the other over and over without a break.

 

I remember in the worst work times, I would cry the whole drive home from work, wonder how I could return there and keep my sanity, it made me physically unwell, yet I'd walk through the door desperate to get on with some fun (even cooking dinner with him).

 

I think you have a better chance feeling like you aren't able to meet each side at 100%. From my friends with kids and careers that is the concern. And the feeling of being judged because they can't stay home the whole time with their child and do all the play dates, mommy and me things, etc.

 

For my one friend, while I know she feels this way, her son is watched by his grandmothers which I think is an awesome arrangement. What a great multi-generational experience for him! That, to me, is a once in a lifetime opportunity to be able to be around grandparents so much and what a passing on of wisdom and experience.

 

Anyway, I digress. From what I have seen and heard from many around me, it doesn't matter what arrangement one has, being a parent can be a constant state of guilt and not feeling like you are doing a good enough job. Molding and developing another person is quite the undertaking because you know you will be the reason why they will say they are in therapy later on in life.

[Silly_Girl]

I think you have a better chance feeling like you aren't able to meet each side at 100%.

 

Oh my goodness, yes!! You are bound to 'fail' on both fronts! I know that feeling.

 

Anyway, I digress. From what I have seen and heard from many around me, it doesn't matter what arrangement one has, being a parent can be a constant state of guilt and not feeling like you are doing a good enough job. Molding and developing another person is quite the undertaking because you know you will be the reason why they will say they are in therapy later on in life.

 

Truth.

[BetheButterfly]

My friend last night said "I had an argument with my husband last night. He doesn't see how busy I am. It's a full-time job being a mum and we should be paid the rate of childminders then people would appreciate us".

 

Whilst out at dinner she also said:

 

"When X and I went shopping yesterday, we stopped for lunch with the kids and..."

 

"I didn't want [baby] to sleep so early, I normally cuddle him for an hour and watch the lunchtime news whilst he sleeps"

 

"I had been busy so I had hubby take all the kids out for the day Saturday so I could get all the housework done that I hadn't managed in the week"

 

From my point of view I have had a lot of experience as mum, full-time employee, evening studier, and managing a house, simultaneously at times.

 

I find it hard to believe that being a full-time parent is as exhausting/draining as being a full-time employee and part-time parent, or other scenarios. I think you have choices as a SAHP (stay at home parent). You have some autonomy over your actions and schedule that full-time employees don't have the benefit of. Your deadlines are usually your own and not pressed upon you by a bullying boss...

 

Really interested in hearing others' views.

 

I'm not a Mom yet, but from what I've noticed, being a parent is a 24/7 responsibility. My Mom was a SAHM for most of my life. She has only recently started college again and is studying to be a social worker. She dropped out of college while pregnant with me because of severe morning sickness and then when she had me, she didn't want other people to raise me. She wanted to take care of me herself. Because Dad had a good job, she did!

 

I am so grateful to both Mom and Dad for Mom staying home and raising my younger sisters and me!!! It helped us become good friends. She took us to parks, museums, and did field trips with us as well as cooked for us, cleaned, taught us responsibility, took us to swimming lessons, and made sure we wanted for nothing. With 4 kids in the house plus many pets, Mom was also the referee, the chauffeur, the counselor, the peacemaker, the judge, the Nurse, the disciplinarian, and the best friend to each and every one of us. I don't know how she did it!!!

 

It's understandable that not every Mom can or should stay home with her kids and take care of the house. However, my Mom was one of the ones who did, with my parents making sacrifices in their lives so Mom could invest time in us. I am so glad she did!!!

 

As my sisters and I grow, our desire is to be there for our parents as they grow older. When they grow too old to be on their own, we want to take care of them and help them. We want to open our homes to them and make sure they know how much we appreciate them for all they have done for us. They deserve no less!!!

[BetheButterfly]

sounds like you weren't cut out to be a full time mom. some are and some aren't, and neither way is 'right'

the sad thing is that there seems to be such a stigma attached ( at least here) to saying that one wants, as opposed to has, to be a working mom...but this does seem to go both ways. If you work, some people won't be happy about it, if you don't work, some people won't be happy about that. Then there's the whole "guilt trip" that society will place on you as a parent,no matter what you do...seems like one just can't make everyone happy....and heaven help you should you admit to feeling overwhelmed at times...

I suppose when it comes right down to it, the only one who matters is your child...as long as he/she is happy, loved, and has the basics, then that's what matters most.

 

My Mom used to cry a lot and have a hard time when I was a baby. I'm the eldest and apparently I was a handful.

 

When my Dad would arrive home from work, Mom has told me that he would oftentimes find both me and Mom crying. He would then take me out for a drive. (I always fell asleep in the carseat when the car was moving) and come back home. I feel sorry for my Mom that I caused her misery. I didn't know it at the time.

 

I understand how being a Mom can be so difficult. Some women get postpartum depression which I've heard is really tough. One of my sisters had that with her second child but my Mom helped her through it.

 

It is true that some women are able to raise a child and some would prefer/need another person/people to help. My Mom definitely needed support. My Dad helped her a lot, same as her Mom (my Mamaw) and her friends from church.

[Els]

I have not been a SAHP, but my observation of those who are leads me to this conclusion: It depends on the circumstances, and on how you define 'demanding'. Mentally, physically, emotionally, in terms of autonomy or freedom, etc - a job that is 'demanding' for someone might not be as demanding for someone else. Also, there are many types of SAHPs, ranging from those with a teenage kid at home who spends most of their day playing Bejewelled to those with 4 small children, to those with children with special needs. Some SAHPs have more income and so can get cleaners and gardeners to help them out, some have less and need to do it all. I personally feel that the SAHP with 4 small children will have more 'pressing deadlines' and less autonomy than the average office job.

 

Ultimately, though, I don't see the point in comparing the two. Both have their perks and downsides, and are demanding in their own ways, I feel.

[Silly_Girl]

Ultimately, though, I don't see the point in comparing the two. Both have their perks and downsides, and are demanding in their own ways, I feel.

 

In my experience it *is* a talking point for couple where one clearly has one role and one has the other. And their friends and interested parties who want to understand whether/how it works

[Eve]

As a talking point we got as far as agreeing that work and home roles are too different in terms of responsibility.

 

That is as far as we got.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[beenburned]

I am so glad to see that people mentioned Grandparents as a blessing for them and their kids!

 

Around the same time as I lost my job(due to company buy out), my grown kids started having their kids. Since they were not able to financially afford to stay home, I offered to keep the kids while they worked.

 

I have 4 grandkids(youngest now 9). My H and I have really enjoyed having such a close loving relationship with all of them. Even the two teenagers still call us with updates in their busy lives.

 

The most important thing I have learned is to realize that life is made up of all kinds of stages. You have to learn to adapt and change to what ever life throws at you.(to the best of your ability)

[xxoo]

In my experience it *is* a talking point for couple where one clearly has one role and one has the other.

 

It is, and in an ideal world, the way to decide which is more difficult is to step into each other's shoes as much as possible.

 

In the more high-need years of parenting, my H was always a little relieved to "escape" to work on Monday morning! Whenever he would complain about work, I'd ask if he wanted to switch roles, and he always said "no way." But then I'd say that's fine with me, because I'd miss my babies all day.

 

For couples where one has one role and one has the other, the best thing to do is appreciate each other for the job he or she does, rather than debating who has it better.

[Silly_Girl]

I have to wonder what vested interest "friends and interested parties" have. Are these people of child bearing years who are considering whether or not to have this kind of arrangement? If so, perhaps they should have a conversation with this couple themselves.

 

In reading the OP it appears to be more a case of someone being very judgmental of someone else's situation.

 

 

Did it touch a nerve for you, Donna?

 

My friend and her husband had had an argument the night before she mentioned it and I thought it would be interesting to hear the views of a really broad mix of people, such as LS. I couldn't afford not to work, I went back when my lad was 6 weeks so I didn't really feel qualified to comment when my friend asked my opinion.

 

As for friends being interested, yes, I am, I will be looking to give up work/reduce my hours if our dream of having kids comes true... But that notwithstanding we do, as a social circle of around 6-7 main couples, talk about those kinds of things. I am interested as to how my friend with 4 wee ones copes as I know her husband professionally and know he works long hours. I have another friend who relies a lot on grandparents (on both sides) and thoroughly recommends it as an option if possible. I have been asked countless times how I've made it work with my career, as a mum (single mum for a fair amount of time) and also a step-mum and student all at the same time too. It's nothing to do with being judgemental, absolutely no one in my main social circle has the same set-up as the next person, yet all of us care about our kids, our relationships, our careers, as well as about each other, so it naturally can be a topic of conversation at times.

 

And before you start, no, that does NOT mean I'm judging you because my friends and I discuss that stuff and you and your friends don't. I'm happy that we're all different.